Tuesday, 22 May 2012

The School Bell

I've stopped going to the cemetery so much now that the weather has cooled off.  I don't feel like it's a place that makes me feel closer to Aaron and Noah, as I feel close to them at home,  but I still like to visit their graves a couple of times a week at least.  It's nice not to have to stress so much about whether Noah's grass is dying because it's not getting enough water.

 If the boys are with me the visit is often short as I get sick of breaking up the arguments about who got to water the grass or Aaron's plants the most. I'm sure Aaron and Noah are probably having a laugh as they watch me break up the fights, but while the boys are fighting it isn't much fun.

When I'm on my own (which is very rare) it's usually a longer visit where I usually sit at Aaron's grave first, and then go over to Noah's and then often back to Aaron's.   I'm usually okay when I go up there and just sit looking at their graves, not really believing that their bodies are down there.  Sometimes I say something to Aaron like 'why!?' or 'I love you' or 'how am I going to do it!?' but if I talk more than that I feel like a total nutcase, so I just think think things instead and hope they are somehow hearing me.

I don't usually cry at the cemetery, but there's been a couple of times when I just couldn't hold back the tears.  There have been a few times where I have been sitting at Aaron's grave around lunch time.  The cemetery happens to be just across the road from Kings Meadows High School, where Aaron taught.  It's the strangest feeling sitting at his grave, and hearing the school bell,  knowing that the kids are either just about to go out to lunch or back into class.

I just wish he was across the road at school, racing around doing jobs at lunch time before he had to head back into class.  It was often the time of day when we would ring or text each other as I knew he wouldn't be in class and we would catch up on things (even though we had only seen each other a few hours before) or remind each other about something that was happening after school.   It's so strange to hear the school bell and know that instead of being over there, Aaron's body is under the ground.


  1. I can't imagine the feeling of loss for you and the boys. Reading your experiences make people like me open our eyes and appreciate everything around us much more often. Thank you for your honesty and opening up. You have no idea how you, the boys, Noah, and Aaron are changing people, one at a time.

  2. Some days must feel like you're in the twilight zone. What an odd feeling to be across from the school, sitting in the cemetery. It makes my heart ache to imagine it.

    It's good that you have your boys to keep you going. The healing will be faster because of them. That was true for me in the worst time of my life. My kids kind of saved me.


  3. I often think its a real triangle of sorts with Aaron, Maccas and the school. Big big hugs. xx


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