"cause I'm sad about Daddy'

Because the boys are 'sad about Daddy' a lot of the old rules we used to have in the house are gone.  Aaron and I would never let the boys sleep in our bed unless they were sick.  We had Noah sleeping in our bedroom for ten years because he needed us close by, and it was easier to just have him in our room, but the other boys knew that they slept in their own beds.

It made life a lot easier for us as it meant they are all good sleepers (except for Noah of course) and we didn't get visits from them in the middle of the night...until now.

After Noah died Harri started to sleep in our bedroom.   I didn't mind at all, but after a month or so Aaron started to encourage him to go back to sleep in his own room.  It lasted for two nights, and on the third night of him sobbing that he wanted to sleep in our room, I ended up in tears too and dragged the mattress back out of the garage to set up in our bedroom, as I yelled to Aaron 'he's just not ready!!'.

I felt awful for trying to make him sleep in his own room, and knew he wasn't ready.  Aaron saw how upset we both were and agreed that he wasn't ready, so he was back in our bedroom again.  When Aaron died Harri looked at me and said 'does that mean I still get to sleep in your room Mum?'. I told him that of course he could, but now he could actually sleep on Daddy's side of the bed.

He was so happy and kept asking me how long he could sleep there for.  I told him he could sleep in there as long as he wanted.  He then asked 'until I'm 17!?'.  I laughed and told him that if he really wanted to sleep with me until he was 17 he could, but we would wait and see how it goes :)

So for the last (almost) four months Harri has been my bed buddy.  He loves being able to sleep on Aaron's side, under Aaron's t-shirt quilt and feels quite happy and safe in my bed.  To be honest I actually feel like having him in bed with me is as comforting for me, as it is for him.  I think if I was in that dark quiet bedroom on my own every night it would be a lot harder.

A week ago I decided that I was doing way too much on my own around the house (starting to tear my hair out!) so I told Harri that the deal was if he slept in my bed, he had to make it.  He has been a champion at making it every morning.  Some mornings I remind him and ask 'have you made Mummy and Daddy's bed yet?' and he then says 'Mummy and Harri's bed!' with a cheeky smile on his face.



Jay took Harri's spot on the mattress on my bedroom floor for a few weeks after Aaron died.  It was nice having him close by too during those early days, as we all felt like we wanted to stick together as much as we could.  He's now happy to sleep in his own room though.


Most of the time Kobe is very good at going to bed, and sleeping all night.  After Aaron died though he became quite distressed - especially at bedtime. He would cry and say 'me miss my Daddy so much', and some nights he would only go to sleep if I laid on the bed with him until he fell asleep.

He is much better now and doesn't cry at bedtime, but once a week or so he wakes up in the night and I hear his little footsteps coming up the hall. He stands at my door and says 'me sleep in your bed tonight Mummy 'cause I'm sad about Daddy'.  Whenever he comes in I let him sleep in bed with me and Harri, and the rest of the night I hardly get any sleep as he wants to be right next to me - touching me all night. 

It's nice though having them share the bed with me while we are all so 'sad about Daddy'.  I'm lucky that my bed is king sized so I can fit them both in.