Is it real?

I know it really happened, but how can it be real?

This is how I imagine us right now - together with you right by my side helping me to have the strength to get through the hours, days, weeks, months and years ahead.

I know you couldn't stay honey as much as I wish you could.  I know there must be something much bigger that you are doing right now.  I kept thinking how torn you must've been -  to want to stay for me and the boys, but wanting and needing to go.

I'm okay.  We even played cards with the boys tonight and had lots of laughs.  I'm sure you saw Harri and his crazy trash talking, making us all laugh.  It seems strange to do 'normal' things but I feel like I need to for the boys. I'm sure you also saw Kobe showing off all day as he danced for us.  At bedtime he said 'Daddy died, Noah died, Daddy died too. He's not here'. 

I'm so overwhelmed with love and support at the moment and you know how independent and strong I always am.  It's hard to accept things from people, but I know you would be wanting me to just accept things because I need all the help I can get right now, and be grateful.

And I am. So, so, so grateful.

Please give Noah a hug from me, and tell him I love and miss him so much.

And then there were four

We are home from our holiday down at St Helens early unfortunately because my heart is breaking as Aaron passed away after 9 pm last night. I'm numb and feel physically sick and can't believe it.   It looks like he suffered a heart attack.  I know his heart was so sad after losing Noah and I'm sure that had something to do with it, but I also know that in many ways he was prepared to go now and has hard as it is to believe, it was his time to go.

My family was with me and thank goodness they were because I needed them last night, more than I've needed anything before.  They gave me so much strength and without them there I know it would've been so much worse.

This is one of the last photos that I took of him, which was taken the day before he passed away. 

 I know that they say that you aren't given anymore than you can handle, but right now I think I'm at my limit.   After losing Noah less than four months ago and now losing my best friend, soul mate and love of my life I'm so grateful for my three boys who I love so much, who give me strength to keep going and look ahead to the day when we will be together with Noah and Aaron again. All I can think of is them hugging and talking and running and even side stepping together.  Oh how wonderful their reunion must've been.

I love you Aaron and I wish you were just for one more day, to let you know just how much. 

Wishing you were coming too

Tomorrow we are heading off for our annual break away at the beach.  We are really looking forward to it but it is so bittersweet as we are excited to get away, but know it is not going to be the same without having Noah with us.

We are having a harder week than usual this week, and there have been a lot of tears from all of us.  We hope that the week away will be a happy one and just the thing we need. My whole family plan on heading down as well later on and we look forward to showing them all the beautiful spots that we visit every year. 

I have no doubt we will be thinking of Noah every single minute as we do things we would normally do with him with us. I plan on having a REAL break and not touching the blog until we get back so if it's quiet on here, it's all good :)

Tears for Sam

Kobe is absolutely obsessed with the Wiggles.  He has been excited to see them in the paper a lot over the past week or so, and would sit and look at it for ages.



The boys then filled him in on why they are actually in the newspaper - because Greg is coming back and Sam has to leave.  Kobe kept saying 'but why Sam leaving!? Sam still here! See!!' and would point to his picture in the paper. We kept telling him that Greg was going to be the 'new' yellow Wiggle.  He was NOT happy and his bottom lip dropped and the tears started.   We tried to play it down and said that Sam was getting a new job and was going to look after his baby.  He then just kept asking 'but why!?'. 

I hope The Wiggles know how much trauma they are putting the kids through!

Holiday at home

On Friday night my brother Christian ('Chrish' or 'Pish' if you are Kobe!) arrived from Sydney, to stay for a couple of weeks in Tassie. The boys were so excited to know he was coming to stay for a couple of nights before heading out to Grandma and Grandpa's.

Harri straight away asked if we could pick him up from the airport and then take him straight to see Noah's grave, as he hadn't seen it since the week of Noah's funeral.  Chrish was happy to go and visit and I'm sure Noah would've loved his bright Star Track uniform that he had on, as he went straight to the airport from work :)

It's nice to have the whole family back in one place again, but of course it doesn't feel like the whole family is here at all with Noah gone.  We are looking forward to spending a couple of weeks together as a whole family with Chrish home, and I'm sure Noah will be watching over us as we do some fun things together.

Under the Possum Tree

Yesterday Harri recieved a HUGE package in the mail.  We had no idea what it was, or who it was from at first, so he was VERY excited to see he was getting a big box in the mail.

Inside was a card saying that they knew that Harri was missing Noah a lot and they hoped that he would love the present and to let him and us know they were thinking of us every day.  Inside was the most beautiful rug with a photo of the boys in front of the 'possum tree' (blossom tree) on it.  It was incredible and we couldn't believe that someone had organised it for us. As an extra special treat there was also a HUGE bag of peanut butter cups for him to share with us :)

 Harri and Kobe loved lying down to see if they were actually taller than their picture on the rug.

Thank you Angie for such a beautiful and touching gift. We love it so much and Harri has taken it off to his bedroom. I'm sure after a little while we will be able to have it out with us more so we can all snuggle under it together :)

The 'other footy' season

It may not be the AFL footy season right now, but Aaron and the boys are loving NFL at the moment.  If they aren't watching it, they are talking about it.  But even better is playing it together.

I love watching them have so much fun together, even if it means we have to put up with footy season all year round.