Monday, 6 February 2017

Healing

The holidays have gone so fast (here's hoping term 1 goes just as fast!) and I knew that before the holidays were over that I wanted to make a day trip to St Helens.  I was keeping an eye on the weather forecast and hoped that a good day coincided with one of Jay's days off work. 

It worked out perfectly and I was really looking forward to getting down there with the boys.  It's only our third trip back since Aaron passed away there, and the first time was really hard but this time I didn't feel anxious at all about going back this time.

We decided to go to the sand dunes first.  On the way there we had to drive past the house that Aaron passed away at and Kobe straight away yelled 'that's where Dad died!'. I was surprised that he knew since he was only three when it happened, but he probably realised it from photos that we have from our holidays there

Kobe was so cute when we got to the sand dunes and jumped out to take a photo with his iPad.

Last time the tube didn't work very well on the dunes and we told Jay that, but he was keen to try anyway and was like 'well it won't if you don't give it a go!'.  It still didn't work even though he had faith in it :)
The boys played on the dunes for ages and then we went into town to grab some fish and chips for lunch.
Kobe has a canvas of a photo of him with Aaron on the jetty fishing, which was taken the day before Aaron died.  He loves it and he recognised the spot straight away and wanted to go there to get another photo.  I could tell that he was happy to be somewhere that he knew he had been with his Dad before.
I couldn't wait to get to Binalong Bay as it's my favourite beach.  It's so beautiful - I just wish the water wasn't as freezing as it is! The lagoon has broken back out again this year and was flowing to the ocean. 

Kobe made me laugh as he kept saying 'what!! This lagoon is made by nature!?  Harri! This lagoon is made by nature - people didn't make it!' as he thought all lagoons were like the one at Wet n Wild where you just float round and round in circles.
We really wanted to walk to the other end of the beach and sit on the rocks, but the tide was high which meant it was quite deep to get across the lagoon. Jay and I looked for ages for a shallow spot and we eventually got across by pulling up our shorts as high as we could.  Jay was cracking me and some tourists from Pennsylvania up as we watched him trying to cross.  They were taking photos of the boys swimming in the lagoon.
How white is that sand!
We spent some time on the rocks at the other end of the beach, and Harri had lots of fun jumping in off the rocks.

It was a big day driving there and back in the same day (it's two hours each way) but we had a lovely day and it was nice to see how far we have come in the last five years, and to know that it's still a favourite place to go and it isn't traumatic being there anymore.  It's definitely healing to go there, knowing that we spent so much time with Aaron and Noah there and knowing that Aaron would love us being back there.

I had fun putting together a little video of our day using the 1 second a day app (which I'm so addicted to already!).  It was one of the best days of our holidays.

Saturday, 4 February 2017

Lavender and Lakes

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm obsessed with Instagram.  I love posting pics because it's such a quick and easy way to record memories, and I also love seeing my friend's and family's pics as well.  I also love following accounts that share photos from around Tassie or Australia and often see photos of the Little Blue Lake  in Tasmania and think it looks so beautiful, and have always wanted to go there.

At the beginning of the school holidays Jay and I actually talked about taking a drive to the Little Blue Lake during the holidays. He is into taking photos at the moment and thought it would be fun to take photos there, so we said that we will make sure we did it before the end of the holidays. 

Not long after we talked about it my cousin Tim mentioned to me that we should all go for a drive together to the Little Blue Lake! It cracked me up as Jay and I had just talked about going so we made a date to go. 

We knew that it was a bit of a drive, so we decided to go to the Bridestowe Lavender Farm on the same day.  We have been there before, but Tim and Helene have never been. It was a really hot day!













It was a bit of a drive to get to the Little Blue Lake and when we were almost there I saw the sign that said we were only about 35 km from St Helens. I told the boys we should just keep driving and go there, but they weren't keen after spending so long in the car!

Kobe was like a tourist jumping out of the car with his iPad to take a photo :) The lake used to be a mine and is full of minerals which is what causes the blue colour. It looks so beautiful but the signs say that you shouldn't swim in it because its acidic.  I have heard that people still swim there though.










The drive home on the sideling from Scottsdale was beautiful, but Kobe didn't agree at all as he got very car sick and we had to stop on the way so he could vomit - poor man. At least we can say that we've finally been there.  We really do live in a beautiful place.

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

5 Years/Australia Day

Since Noah and Aaron passed way I always felt like getting to five years without them would be a big milestone. When we were in the early days I couldn't imagine ever feeling 'okay' again.  All I could think about was 'Noah and Aaron are dead' no matter what I was doing.  I couldn't think about anything else for years. 

I remember asking once when the 'fog' finally goes, because two years after they passed away I was still doing silly things like driving along and forgetting where I was supposed to be going and forgetting things all the time.  Someone told me that takes about three years and I felt overwhelmed that I still had so long to go until I would feel half normal again.

The last year or so have definitely been a lot easier, and I had thought that getting to five years that I would feel really on top of things and in many ways I am, but I still find that any little bit of stress causes my brain to overload again and I'm back to having the 'brain fog' that I had all the time even a couple of years ago. 

I think that can be one of the most frustrating things at the moment, because I was always so organised and on top of things, and now there are times when I've forgotten things, lost things, am not sure what I'm doing or just feel so overwhelmed and I can't keep thoughts clear in my head. 

It's so frustrating because a lot of the time now I feel pretty good, but then as soon as things get busy the brain fog comes back, and I also have a lot of anxiety which I never used to have.  It's really annoying because a lot of the time I can feel okay, but my heart palpitations are telling me otherwise.

So for me the grief hasn't gone, but it has changed. When we talk about Aaron and Noah it's usually a funny story or talking about them in a happy way.
There aren't a lot of tears anymore, but we suffer grief in other ways.  For me the loneliness is the hardest thing.  My work and boys keep me busy, but I miss having Aaron to talk to about anything and everything. I miss just having that closeness with him where we knew each other so well and balanced each other out so well. I miss 'us' and I have some great friends, and it's hard being the 'third wheel' but I still very much do not want another relationship and do not want to get remarried. 

I hate being single because it means that Aaron isn't here, but I am also very used to being single now, and think that in a lot of ways I've become selfish because it's just myself and the boys now and I don't have to consider someone else.  If I don't want to go out I don't go out. If I don't want to cook tea at a certain time I don't have to. If I want to buy something I just buy it (if I have the money), which is very different when you are married as you have to do things as a team for your relationship to work. 

I think that 5 years sounds like a long time, but also such a short time. It scares me that I've only lived without Aaron for 5 years, and could still have another forty to fifty years on my own.  I don't know how I'll do it because I miss Aaron more and more as time goes on, but I don't have a choice so I just have to try to do it in the best way that I can.

Other anniversaries have been hard, and we have kept very busy to get through it.  Two years after we went back to where we were at when Aaron passed away.  Other years we and have been away in  Sydney for it, and two years ago we were with Dad while he was in palliative care.  This year I knew we would be home for it, and I just knew that it had to be spent at the beach.  I knew that my brother Eden and his family and also a lot of my cousins would be at Hawley Beach for the day, so I decided I wanted to go there as it would be lots of fun with them.  I was so happy that Tim and Helene decided to come along as well.

The morning of Australia Day I asked Kobe if he would empty the dishwasher, while we were getting ready to go to the beach.  He cracked me up as he said 'it's a public holiday Mum!'.  I told him that when he asks me what was for tea, that I would remind him a public holiday.  He had a little laugh about it and I then said 'what do you think we should have for tea on Dad's day anyway?'.  He looked at me and said 'Dad's day!? What do you mean 'Dad's day'?  I said 'Dad died on Australia Day Kobes, so it's like it's his day'.  Kobe looked at me with his mouth open and said 'What!?  Dad died on Australia Day!?'.  He really couldn't believe it and I had no idea that he had forgotten that it happened on Australia Day.

He then decided that Dad would've liked McDonalds and I agreed (as I knew that it was true and that I wouldn't feel like cooking after getting back from the beach). He was excited to get on some Aussie gear for the day. 
Even though there was a little breeze it was a beautiful day at the beach.  It was lovely to catch up with everyone and other friends who we ran into there. There was lots of cricket, swimming (even though the water was freezing!), walking to the island once the tide was out, chatting and (trying to) paddle board.   



My nieces Chloe and Kelsea look sweet and innocent, but the little rats were finding crabs over at the island and putting them down my top! I think it made their day :)
I loved catching up with my cousin Carli who was down from Sydney and she invited us to go along to Ulverstone to the waterslide which she had hired out for an hour.  It was so nice to have so much fun on what can be a hard day.
The lifeguards were pretty easy going (probably because we were a private group) and let us go down side by side. The guys loved doing it and would even go backwards while going side by side.  My cousin Toni took this awesome photo of Harri going down side by side with her husband Jaron.
And this one of me and Kobe.
When we were at the beach my sister in law Steph jokingly asked Kobe if he was going to have lamb for tea for Australia Day. Apparently he then said something like 'don't you know my Dad died on Australia Day!? We are going to Maccas!'.  Oh he makes me laugh.  After the waterslide everyone got takeaway and had a play and tea in the park.

Before getting home we quickly raced Aaron's grave before the sun went down to have a Pepsi there for him.

My lovely friend Simone was so thoughtful and gave us a Hawthorn pillow (which Kobe has since claimed!) and a card which made me laugh as it had a Kangaroo on it for Australia Day and everyone knows how un-Australian he was (when it came to barracking for sporting teams) and he would've thought it was really funny.
I'm glad that this year wasn't as hard as other years and it was so nice to have such a fun day together with family and friends.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...