A Hard Holiday

They say that 'holidays' are hard when you have had someone pass away, but I don't think I was prepared for how hard this Mother's Day would be.  Losing a child and then having to celebrate being a mother is hard.   Of course I have my three other boys and I'm so grateful for that (I know how lucky I really am when others can't even have children) but then in the back of my mind all I could think about was that I'm the mother of someone who isn't here with me anymore.  All I wanted was Noah to be here to celebrate with me like last year.  

It was of course extra hard as Aaron isn't here as well.  He always made sure that Mother's Day was really special with spoiling me with presents, making sure the boys made me cards, organising breakfast in bed and making me lunch and tea.   I didn't want to put any pressure on the boys to do anything but of course was hoping they would at least make a bit of an effort.  I didn't have to worry as Harri was so excited about it, and kept talking about it all week.  He couldn't wait for me to wake up and straight away said 'happy mother's day Mummy!' and gave me a big hug. 

Kobe soon joined us in bed and without any prompting he put his arms around my neck and said 'happy mother's day Mum!' which made me so happy.  It wasn't long before they were making me smile as they threw Noah's monkey 'Nono' around the room as we waited for Jay to wake up.

After an hour it was obvious that Jay wasn't moving from his bed, so Harri decided to get him up so he could give me my presents.  Harri was so excited that he made me three cards - two at school and one at home. They were very cute.  Kobe also made me a card at daycare and this morning he said 'I put a 'wuv' heart on it because I 'wuv' you so much Mummy!'. 

Mum had thought she had been sneaky and bought me something with Kobe last week - a beautiful tealight candle holder.   They thought a good hiding spot for it would be under Harri's bed (as he doesn't sleep in his room anymore) but during the week I was looking under his bed for something and spotted it!   Kobe was excited to tell me that he had helped pick out the monkey wrapping paper for it.   Supposedly he told the lady in the shop that 'my Daddy died'. The poor lady!

Harri bought me a necklace at the Mother's Day stall at school during the week, and couldn't wait to give it to me.  It was lovely having him so excited as his enthusiasm rubbed off on me for a little while.

 

He made up for his big brother that's for sure.  It was a hard day and Jay made it harder with his sulkiness, and lack of caring about making it easier (or even special).  The thing that surprised and hurt me the most was that he is usually the one who goes out of his way to do lovely things.  I'm not sure if it's a mix of his age, being a boy, him grieving, or all of the above (most likely!) but he made a really hard day even harder as he pretty much did nothing at all to wish me a happy mother's day.

 

Harri on the other hand made it super special. I didn't get the usual egg and bacon muffin or pancakes, but I did get jam on toast and a hot milo and that was better than anything else, because he did it all by himself and I was so proud of him.  He even put it in a special mug for me that some friends had given me, just after Aaron passed away. 

He had also written on our chalk board in the kitchen 'happy mother's day Mum'.

I have learnt that the easiest way to cope with things at the moment is to break the old routine - to not do things that we used to do as a whole family if it's going to be a hard day, because thinking 'last year we did this' etc just brings back too many memories and makes the day harder to get through.  I couldn't face sitting in church listening to all the talks about Mother's Day, so instead we decided to go out in the sun and spend some time together before heading out to Mum and Dad's for tea. 

In the back of my mind I keep thinking 'that's what I should be doing' or 'that's what Aaron and Noah would want me to do', but then I think that they would want me to do whatever it takes to cope right now, and right now I need to do whatever helps me get through.  We went up to the cemetery and took Aaron and Noah some roses from our garden and couldn't believe how many people were up there. I have never seen it so busy - not even on Christmas day. 

 I'm so glad that it was a sunny day as it made it a lot nicer. 

As hard as it was, I also know how lucky I am to have these three - even if they are moody and selfish at times! ;)
 

Poor Mum probably had a worse mother's day than I did, as she ended up cooking for me! She made me my favourite roast chicken and baked veggies, and Harri and Mum made brownies for dessert.   I enjoyed a lazy afternoon lying in the sun at Mum and Dad's.

After a big talk in the car on the way out to Mum and Dad's Jalen realised how much harder he was making the day for me (don't you love it when you can trap your kids into listening to your lecture as they can't get away from you! ;). I reminded him that we were all sad, that we were all wishing things were different, but they aren't.  I reminded him how every day it's hard to just carry on and get on with life without Aaron and Noah, especially for me, but we can try to make it easier for each other by thinking more about each other - especially on days like today.  He realised that he had made it harder and apologised, and at Mum and Dad's his way of making up for it was giving me a shoulder massage.

Harri saw him doing it and got VERY upset as I think he felt it was his role to make my day special! He actually started crying and said he wanted to do it, so he compromised and rubbed my feet instead (with a very cranky and sad face!).

Overall the day ended up being okay, but I'm glad it's over as it was one of the hardest days I've had for a while.  I'm so grateful for Harri who really tried to make it extra special for me. I know Aaron would be really proud of him.

As you can see though he doesn't always try to make things extra special - he cared more about his game on his iPod than getting a decent photo with Grandma!

He then lent on her hair and caused her all sorts of agony!

Thanks for putting up with us Mum and Dad and for making a hard day as nice as it could be.  It's not long until the next 'anniversary' that we have to celebrate without Noah and Aaron and I hope that it won't be as hard as it was today.