Monday 21 May 2012

Bitter Sweet

You would think that paying off your mortgage would be pretty much one of the best days of your life.  That is unless the reason you are able to pay it off is because your husband died.

It is almost four months since Aaron passed away, and I finally got his life insurance money at the end of last week. Who knew that it takes four months for a bunch of people to decide that yes I am Aaron's wife, yes I am the person he wanted the money to go to and then to actually put the money into my account.  I really have no idea why it takes so long, but it was such a relief to see the money in my account when I went to do some internet banking last week.  In the back of my mind I kept panicking wondering what would happen if they actually came out and said 'Just kidding! Aaron really wasn't entitled to that insurance money - you are getting nothing'.

It's crazy when I think about it now, but just after Aaron died I was in such shock and just kept saying 'how am I going to live?!'. I had no idea how I was going to live without my best friend, but also physically how I was going to be able to pay bills and especially pay the mortgage as Aaron's income was our main income.  We had just built our house a year before and I straight away thought I would have to sell the house.

I knew he had some kind of life insurance and the day after Aaron died  I checked into it and was relieved to see that we had enough to pay the majority of the mortgage off.   I can never thank Naomi from Seven Cherubs enough for just jumping in to help me by starting off some fundraising.  The money from the fundraising has allowed me to totally pay off the mortgage, as well as other things like buying Aaron and Noah's plaques for their graves.  To anyone and everyone who donated anything, big or small, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.   You have taken so much stress away from us right now.

Today I went into the bank to pay off the mortgage.  I actually had to go into the bank twice as it takes a couple of hours for the bank to actually give you a pay out figure (seems that anything with a lot of numbers and a dollar sign in front of it takes time!).   When I went in the first time and told the girl that I wanted to know the payout figure she said 'wow - that must be nice to be able to pay it off'. I told her it was except I could only afford to do it because my husband passed away and it was his life insurance money. She felt terrible and apologised and I told her it was okay and that it was actually nice to be able to pay it off. 

I had to wait a couple of hours to be told the payout figure, and then had to go back into the bank.  This time I had to deal with a guy and I told him I wanted to pay out my mortgage and he said pretty much the same thing 'wow! that must be a great feeling to have it paid out' and started to ask me if I had refinanced or was actually paying it out.  I told him the same thing - the only reason I am paying it out is because my husband died and it's his insurance money. He was so embarrassed and quickly apologised and looked at the boys who were with me and said 'talk about foot in mouth!'. I told him it was okay and that it was a nice feeling to be able to pay it, just not a nice reason why I could pay it.

He later came up to me while I was still at the bank doing some other things and said he wanted to apologise again. I told him that he had no reason to know why I was able to pay it off and it had been almost four months and I was used to having to tell people what had happened. I felt bad for him.

On the way home I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have a mortgage. The house is mine and the boys forever now and I owe the bank nothing.  It's nice to know that I can go to work because I love work, not because I just need the money.




It's a strange feeling to be crying because you have just paid off your mortgage, and you don't know whether they are actually happy or sad tears.   I would choose having Aaron here with me, over having no mortgage any day, so today was terribly bitter sweet.



31 comments:

  1. sending you lots of love today. I can't imagine losing my husband and of course you'd want him over your house anyway

    when my mum died last year there was so much paperwork for her life insurance and super all confirming we weren't dependents etc and I still don't think her estate is finalised. So much paperwork.

    your house is lovely and at least at the worst of times you have one less thing to worry about.

    Corriexxxxxxxx

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  2. I can imagine how relieved you must be to have this matter settled and the house is yours. You must also be so proud of your husband that he was thinking of you and the kids and organised the insurance (although I'm sure he never thought that you would indeed need it). In a way, that's true love, isn't it?

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  3. Melissa Whelan, Melbourne, Australia21 May 2012 at 18:53

    What a wonderful and terrible day all at once, but how wonderful you can still look to the positives for yourself and your boys.

    Thankfully you have the security housewise now so you can rebuild your life again without your husband, and start living again. I wish you and your boys well, and when your ready for it i wish you new love to go with the happiness you and your boys will go on to create together. xxxx

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  4. I can't think of anything more bittersweet. I'm glad Aaron had that life insurance in place - i just wish there was never a need for it. xx

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  5. Such mixed feelings. I'm sure Aaron is glad that you don't have that to worry about.
    xx
    H

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  6. It's lovely that you and the boys will be able to stay there for as long as you want. If you had to move, it would just be more upheaval and uncertainty for all of you. I've never had the privilege of meeting Naomi in person, but she is truly a wonderful, inspirational person.

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  7. I use to manage a branch of a bank and am disappointed that the comment happened twice. the teller I understand, but that message should have been passed on.
    Lisa, even though there are a lot of sad memories in this process, right now I can imagine Aaron looking down and being happy that you got his gift. I did many loans that people did not want to take out insurance on - thank goodness you and Aaron did take it! What a wonderful difference that will make in your lives over the coming years.
    Brad, NZ.

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  8. Hi Lisa, wow what an amazing day for you.....you & your boys have suffered the worst possible sadness...at least now you have the peace of knowing you can all stay together in your home...it will always be home...Aaron would be smiling :)

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  9. I'm happy for you that you did get to pay your mortgage off and that you have one less thing to worry about financially, but I can only imagine how bitter sweet that must be, since like you said, you would give anything to have Noah back and still have the mortgage. I'm guessing this must be a wonderful blessing in your life, despite the circumstances. So wonderful to be able to work because you want to, rather than struggle because you have to. Aaron's probably watching right now and smiling.

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  10. That really is bitter sweet! It must feel somewhat freeing though to not have to worry about paying the mortgage, and knowing that the home you built with Aaron is now yours!! Jasmin (my 4 year old) still prays for 'the King family' (and the Easter bunny :) everyday!! Lots of love to you all and I can't wait for you to get pictures with Alana later this year!!!! xo

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  11. I love Kylie's simple comment above! Always thinking of you and the boys Lisa. Nothing can compare to the blessing of having your soul mate with you but I'm glad you don't have to worry about the temporal stuff right now. Love you xx

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  12. A bittersweet relief no one wants to imagine. I hope you can sleep more peacefully knowing no one can take your home away now and start building new happy memories as well as holding close those with Noah and Aaron in the house.

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  13. Glad your home which is full of beautiful memories and a place full of love is yours. Much love since it is so very bittersweet.

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  14. I found your blog through NieNie's blog, and my prayers have been with you and your boys ever since. I am so glad that your husband had the foresight to have a life insurance policy. Sad as it is that you lost him so young, it would be sadder yet for you and your boys to have to leave your home. Like you say, terribly bittersweet.

    I am a lawyer (barrister & solicitor) here in my state in the U.S., and I feel very strongly (and I counsel clients) that even young couples need to think ahead and think about what would happen to the one if something happened to the other. Especially if there are children in the family! There needs to be insurance policies in place - life, home/contents, and disability. In our religion, we are counseled to be self-reliant and to live providently; I strongly believe that providing for our families in this way is part of that. Again, I am so grateful that your husband had that insurance. The last thing you would want to be worrying about as you go through this terribly difficult time is paying for your home. My prayers will continue to be with you and your family! {Hugs}

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  15. Hello Lisa. I came across your blog tonight via Naomi from Seven Cherubs, and I feel blessed to have done so... I've spent the evening captivated by the beautiful way you share your thoughts and feelings... I was asked years ago by a student on a camp what I thought the meaning of life was, and I told him simply that I believed it is to glorify God; you and your family are doing that together, and in the way you're prepared to share through your writing and photography... In these past few hours I have been moved and shaken by your stories and believe very much that I was 'sent' here tonight for some 'grounding'... Thank you for sharing your stories. I pray you continue to know God's peace and strength... Blessings... Naomi G. (Brisbane)

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  16. Oh I am so sorry that while it must feel so good not to have the financial burden- it also breaks your heart...thinking of you with much love today and always.

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  17. Even when he is not with you, Aaron is helping to provide for your needs. I'm grateful that no matter what, you and the boys have a home - better yet, the home you shared with their dad. What tender feelings you have experienced and certainly understandable. Blessings your way!

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  18. Aaron would be so proud. You (and your boys) are amazing - so lucky to be able to enjoy your home and your family and a job you like (and not need). Reading your blog every day is on of the highlights for me - as strange as it sounds, since I don't even know you. I was one of the many who contributed to the fundraising and although it wasn't much at all, it kind of enpowered me in a strange way. Helping - whether a cause, a family, a sick child - always gives me a little thrill inside. Keep being strong, Lisa!

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  19. It's always strange in those life moments where joy and sorrow are completely intertwined, but that's the way earth life seems to go at times, isn't it?

    I'm glad you have the peace of knowing that you will be all right financially, and I'm glad your husband has that peace, too. It has to be a comforting feeling to be up there knowing your family will at least not be struggling with meeting basic needs.

    So congratulations and condolences, all together.

    <3

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  20. Wow...I just don't even know what to say. I'm happy for you but so sad at that same time. I guess that's where the 'bitter/sweet' comes from. I too wish you were there to enjoy it with Aaron. But I AM so happy that you don't have to worry about your house. It's beautiful Lisa!!! xxxx

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  21. What a tender and perfectly titled post...bittersweet. A perfect saying that I always have loved and lived by..."Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." You hang tough and know you are admired and thought of often. And we are complete strangers! Love the house...it is beautiful and has so many memories to cherish! Such a nice weight to lift off your shoulders! Keep up the great job. You have darling boys!

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  22. Bitter sweet indeed.

    I am sure Aaron is looking down grateful you and the boys now own the house outright. One less thing for you to have to deal with.

    Hugs to you and your boys.

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  23. I can't even imagine how difficult today must be. Sending love and prayers x

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  24. Hi Lisa- I have been a bit quiet on line but I think of you and the boys often. I am happy you have the stress of surrival through money removed, just so very sad it has to be this way.
    You are in my thoughts and would love to say Hi this weekend if possible- I'm in Launceston for a cooking demo! Must get Bec to organise me as she does it so well :0)
    You have a beautiful house I am sure Aaron would be proud to see you in
    Best, Camilla

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  25. I do agree ..It is bitter sweet
    8 years ago my Dad knew he was dying and he wrote us cheques..he left money for his 1 and only grandson my son to do what ever he wants...but my Dad loved footy and so does my Son every weekend we are there I would give all the money back just for my Dad to sit with me and watch his pride and joy play footy!!
    So I understand xox

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  26. I need more articles and blogs please post soon.

    Home Maintenance

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  27. I am happy to have found you totally by chance. It was after your loss of your dear ones, when I have seen you in sad moments, that I read more about your beautiful family and the challenges you have faced. I've lost my parents and yes it is something we get through some difficult times. I pray that you will be blessed to find joy and love with your boys and family, and also the peace in your heart with the love for your dear ones who are gone. I learned through the gospel that we can find peace and strength without them near us. I learned to have them in my heart, and even talk with them just as I used to ... as if they were there close in my heart and mind!! Time has helped me not to feel sad, but to now that we will meet, but most of all, happy to know that are well and in a good and better way!! this is a great reason for my piece and love for them, even if we not as close as before! The gospel is our great comfort. It helps us learn and understand our challenges here on earth, it is a temporary and learning moment, there is so much more to come. Our prayer is to help our trust and faith in the Lord and to understand His teachings and our reason here with all that we might go through, the good and sad things! So just remember that the Lord is there with you. He will bless you with His love and support. You and your children can be happy together. All it takes is love, patience and obedience to what He asks of us. May you be blessed in your effort to so what is right and in the service you know have!!

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  28. So so glad you have the financial stability in paying off the house. The reason you have it of course is beyond tragic but in the end because we cannot change our loss it is comforting that more loss need not be incurred due to lack of funds. What a weight off

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