Wednesday 1 February 2012

Standing at their graves

Today I went out on my own to the cemetery to visit my boys.  It was an eerie feeling driving in, knowing I was going to not only visit Noah's grave but also Aaron's. 

 It was the strangest feeling to stand at his grave and look down and see his name there.

Yesterday when I arrived home from his funeral there was this beautiful necklace in the mailbox as a gift from the lovely Kath from LOVEnCherish. When Noah passed away Kylie organised for her to make me a beautiful necklace with all four boys names on it, and I treasure it so much. I will treasure this one even more.


While I was sitting, crying at Aaron's grave (luckily I have a good supply of man hankies thanks to Simone) a lovely older man drove up and started tending to a grave near by. He lovingly watered the plants in pots on top of the grave, and then got out an old towel and wet it and wiped down the plaque. 

I looked at him and smiled and he said hi, and after a little while he left.  I went to see who he was visiting, and it was his wife who passed away last year, at about age 60. There was a photo of the two of them together on the plaque.  I cried even more to know that his heart was also broken, but to also see that he got to spend many more years with his wife than I got to spend with Aaron. I couldn't help but feel cheated of so many years. 

Aaron's grave is right near the children's section, so we can see Noah's grave from it.  I just couldn't get my head around that I was standing at Aaron's grave, and looking at Noah's at the same time. 

I went over to visit Noah and after a big cry, a prayer and some deep breaths I started to feel that peace come over me again.  As hard as this is right now, I know that things will be okay.  I hate that they aren't here, but I feel comforted to know that the two of them are together. 


59 comments:

  1. I cry for you every time I read your blog posts - you are so brave and so blessed with the peaceful feelings that come just at the right time. I would have to say that's a "Divine Signature" and if you haven't read the book by that title by Gerald Lund, grab a copy from Deseret Book when you've got time and have a read. I'm sure you've got so many more of your own experiences that fall into this category.
    xxx

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  2. Dear Lisa - so many strangers that have heard of your losses have said to me,if there is a god how can he let this happen? Reading about your thoughts and seeing your outlook through it all and also having Jesus in my heart has given me a greater conviction to prayer for their hearts to find Jesus, because I say to them where would Lisa be without him! May the Lord Jesus fill your life with hope, peace and Grace.xoxox

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  3. feeling so sad at your lonliness and especially at the years you don't get to have with them both - especially Aaron xxx

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  4. Tears streamed down my face as I read your last few posts. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it would be to lose my dear husband who I was friends with in the pre-existence. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful boys. Thank goodness for the gospel teachings we have and the knowledge that we can be eternal families. My thoughts and prayers are with you xoxox

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  5. What a beautiful necklace Lisa :-) I'm glad you can (even in a small way) visit your beloved boys at the same time. Love you xxx

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  6. That necklace is just beautiful ... what a wonderful gift. There are no words .... your words say it all.

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  7. My thoughts are with you Lisa. . What a precious necklace to keep near your heart x

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  8. It is beyond my comprehension, beyond my grasp, to even begin to understand your pain in losing these beautiful boys. Your unwavering faith is an inspiration to all Christians and an amazing example of God's comfort and love, to non believers. What a beautiful witness you are, as you share your journey. Love and prayers, Beck xx

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  9. There are no words, just love and heartfelt support for you whenever, however and wherever.
    Love Mum.
    xxx

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  10. I have never cried so many tears for someone I don't know personally. I can not stop thinking of you and your family. xxxxx

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  11. Too Sad... my thoughts are with you and your beautiful boys..xxxxoooo

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  12. As a mum and wife, my heart is broken for you. I hope you can feel all the "virtual hugs" you're receiving from afar. I may not know you, but I have much respect for you, and much love to send your way..

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  13. Lots of prayers from a stranger in Michigan. And to your boys who I have no doubt will give you the strength to cope with this double tragedy. I can't stop thinking how our gracious God didn't take Aaron from your family during the difficult time of your dear son's passing. May you find comfort in the Lord as you did in your dear husband. God bless.

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  14. Oh Lisa I am so deeply sorry for your loss. A mutual friend told my family last Friday. My heart & prayers are with you. That man you saw at his wife's grave today was my relative; his wife my beloved cousin & friend. It's so hard to make sense of the nonsensical but with faith there can be peace. Your darling Aaron & Noah are together in God's hands & you & your boys are in our thoughts. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that much of the community is with you to support you all through these tough days.

    Much love,

    Angela & family xxx

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  15. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you and your lovely boys.

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  16. I pray the our Lord gives you all that you need. The necklace is so beautiful!

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  17. Hugs, love and prayers are being sent from Las Vegas, Nevada in behalf of your lovely family.

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  18. Oh Lisa, I can't even imagine how hard that must be....I love you.
    (What a beautiful necklace to keep close to your heart!)

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  19. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Sending hugs across the miles.

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  20. Just wanted to send some love and support, I don't know you but I am so touched by your story and will be thinking of you.

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  21. Prayers from Phoenix heading your way.

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  22. Sending my deepest sympathy to you and your boys xxx

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  23. I could not read and not post something. My heart is full and my prayers are with you and your precious family. You seem to be a very strong woman and Heavenly Father will help you through this difficult time. Rely on your friends and family as they will be a wonderful blessing to you. You are receiving prayers and kind wishes from all around the world. I hope you feel them and they will bring you comfort.

    Love and prayers from Utah.

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  24. I have been crying so hard reading your blog. My heart aches for you, I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but I want you to know that I am praying for you and your family.
    I am so grateful for eternal families and that you will be together with your beautiful son and husband one day.

    Sending you lots of love from Spain.

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  25. I am new to your blog, having gone onto it from reading Clare's. What a beautiful necklace. Reading your blogs the last few days and then reading older posts has been heart wrenching. I admire you so much in that you have written so beautifully at this tragic tragic time. May the Lord be with you, where would we be without him, although at sometimes he does test our faith. My love and prayers come to you from Auckland New Zealand

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  26. I found your blog and was almost moved to tears.
    Thank you for your honesty and your strength.
    Sending all the "stranger" love I can possibly imagine.
    xoxoxo.
    Hang in there.

    Sierra
    Oh, Just Livin' the Dream
    sierraainge.blogspot.com

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  27. Lots of love to you and your family. I came across your blog linked to a comment on another blog. Words are just words right now...the prayers of thousands I'm sure are with you. No two grief roads are the same. We've travelled our own grief road in our family. The story of being at the graves was so touching. it's been 4 1/2 years for us, and every time we visit the graves, it still feels like yesterday. Best to you and your family during this difficult time, and our prayers are with you.

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  28. I just want you to know that my heart and prayers are with you. I can't imagine your loss and feel like my heart is breaking right along with yours. I will keep praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story and your faith.

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  29. I found your blog from a friends blog and my heart aches reading your story. I am so sorry for your losses.

    I feel tender reading about your son. My son has hydrocephalus from complications of being 3 months premature. (He had meningitis 3x, a brain bleed, epilepsy). He has a shunt and a lot of his brain is now fluid. He is 17 months old, developmentally about 4 months old.

    Your sweet boy touches my heart as I know the love and challenges that come with having a child with such great needs.

    Praying for your family.

    Heather

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  30. You write so well Lisa, I have a knot in my heart for you right now. I am glad they are together but it's just not fair you have to let them both go so soon. Sending you warm hugs xx

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  31. My heart breaks for you. I'm still praying for your strength and guidance through all this pain and lonliness as you grieve your missing loved ones. Bless you sweetheart.

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  32. So sorry about your losses. Praying for strength of you and your family.

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  33. Hi
    I do not know you and came here via another blog. However your story is very similar to what my mum went through in her life, so it really touched me deeply. I can relate to your description of your oldest son so well. Tears are streaming.
    I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Your three young sons seem to be great kids.
    Stay strong!
    Thinking of you all & praying for you --- Sonja from Europe

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  34. I'm a new follower and I just read Noah's story of his life and his death, then about Aaron and now about visiting both of their graves. My heart is so broken for you right now. God bless you and your sweet boys. I will be in constant prayer for you!

    Big Hugs from South Carolina, USA!

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  35. I can't even imagine your heartbreak. I am so impressed with your strength in testimony.
    You are amazing.
    Really amazing!

    I was admiring the necklace with your children's names just yesterday as I read your post. The new necklace is beautiful and precious. So sweet.

    I know your two boys are watching over you and praying for your happiness and comfort. I know they are by your side day and night.

    Your family is in my prayers.

    Hugs from Washington, USA

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  36. I've never visited your blog until today, and as I am reading your story I am bawling thinking of what you must be going through.
    There are probably no positive words that I could say right now, because I know that sometimes it is just better to be present in your pain and grief and JUST BE SAD for a little while.
    Just know that there are hundreds of people out here who don't know you personally, but have you on our minds and in our hearts!!

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  37. Lisa, the gentleman you saw at the cemetery I am sure was my Uncle Greg. He visits my aunt every day.

    From my family to yours, I wish you strength, courage and light at this indescribably difficult time.

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  38. No words to calm or fix. Just know that prayers are being said for you and yours, so many prayers. God bless.

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  39. I am so sad and sorry for your incredible loss. You must be one amazing, brave lady. Prayers are being sent up for your family all over the world. I know that the powers of Heaven will send peace and love and comfort to you in your darkest hours. Hang in there...

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  40. Lisa, I've been reading your blog on a daily basis, and I am amazed at your strength. To have a double loss in such a short time is unthinkable. My heart breaks for you and your family, and I pray that you find peace to get you through the days ahead. The necklace is beautiful! I loved the one with the names of your four boys which you were wearing at the funeral and with Aaron's wedding ring. My husband David, little Ben's great uncle, died 14 months ago from pancreatic cancer. I had his wedding ring made into a heart which I wear every day and keep him close to my heart. I can't even imagine your losses of your young son and your very young husband, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Your handsome sons will be your strength as well as your family and friends who surround you with their love. You have a wonderful support system which I can gather from all the beautiful comments to your blog. Bless you, sweet Lisa, and your wonderful family.

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  41. Sue sent me...I can not even been to imagine your pain. You are in my prayers.

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  42. I was directed to your blog via A-M........ I was so shocked to read your story and cannot imagine having to go through two funerals of your immediate family. Our friends lost their little 8 year old two weeks ago to Leukemia which is heartbreaking...to lose your husband a few short months later is just so shocking. My heart goes out to you and your boys. Kathy, Brisbane,

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  43. Dear Lisa,I can't put any word to console you but I do believe you are very strong woman and you will get through this...the boys still need you so be strong....my pray for you and your boys....xoxo

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  44. Our prayers are with you from Palm Desert, California. You are incredibly brave, Lisa, and I know that you will be just fine, especially with the love you will get from your ward family. What would we eve do without the gospel in our lives?

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  45. The beauty of the gospel is we are all brothers and sisters... we'll be praying for you and your family!

    Wish there was more one could do or say.

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  46. I am so very sorry for your loss.

    Praying you and your boys feel Peace and Healing Love surround you.

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  47. I found your blog and story yesterday and can't stop thinking about you and your boys and all that you have gone through over the last few months. I can't even begin to imagine... I have no words except to say that I have been truly humbled by your strength and testimony. I will be praying for you and your boys.

    Love and prayers from Utah!
    Sarah

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  48. As I read your post for the first time today, my heart cries with you. I lost my baby and know the heartache. But I also lost my dad when I was 10. My mom was widowed with 7 kids one who is severely handicapped. As I read this I could see my mom writing this. I can't imagine the loss you must be feeling. What a example of faith to know Heavenly Father made it so we can be together forever. My mom had shown such faith in the gospel, it had been such a example to me. I just want you to know my prayers are with your family.
    Much love from Oregon, USA

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  49. As tears stream down my face, I wanted you to know my heart was breaking for you. Your posts moved me and will keep you locked in my thoughts and prayers.
    take care.
    Danz
    Melbourne

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  50. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I can't believe how life can be so cruel to one family. I am thinking of your and your family daily. So, so sorry....

    Jo,
    Perth

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  51. Lisa, I wish I could carry some of your pain. The necklace is beautiful. I noticed you wearing your necklace with the boys names on it, along with Aarons wedding ring last Sunday, and was completely moved. I think that image will always stay in my head. Love you xo

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  52. I can't even stand it...this post, just so sad. But I'm grateful that you were able to feel some peace in knowing that this is the way it is supposed to be, as hard as it is. So, so hard. I just love you dearly!!! xxx

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We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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