The last month has been the fastest, yet hardest month of my life. It's hard to believe that it's already a month since Aaron passed away. I wish so much that we could go back to the 25th of January and just have things change, but I know that's not possible, and I really do believe (for some reason which I'm yet to understand) that things are how they are meant to be.
It doesn't mean I don't hate it, and it doesn't mean it's easy.
I don't believe that Aaron knew it was coming, but I do believe he was prepared for it.
I just wish I was prepared too.
There are so many thoughts running through my head all the time.
Did Noah come to us to help us appreciate the little things in life, so we could make the most of every single day because the plan wasn't for Aaron to be around for long?
Why did Aaron have to go right now, just as we were starting to feel on top of our grief after Noah passed away, and was looking forward to doing so many things that we couldn't do for the past ten years?
I can't even get my head around both Aaron and Noah going so closely. I feel awful some days because sad thoughts of Noah passing are just gone out of my head. I think of him all the time, but it's like my mind has just switched, and I no longer think about Noah passing away. I just remember the life that we had with him and it's nice to think about the happier times, not when we said goodbye. It's like it can't process both him and Aaron's passing together. It's just too much.
Now all my thoughts are constantly about Aaron.
What is he doing? Is he with Noah all the time? What do they talk about?
Does he know what I'm doing?
Does he know what the boys are going through?
Does he feel bad that he left us?
Did he want to stay at all, or was it easy to just go to be with Noah?
Does he know how amazing people have been in supporting us? Does he know that so many people have offered us so many amazing things?
Does he know how many people love(d) him?
Does he know that he changed students lives forever, and they miss him so much?
Does he know that the boys cry every day for him?
Does he know that Harri is so devastated that he can't watch Friday night footy with him anymore, or sit with him at Aurora stadium watching the Hawks play? Does he know that Harri is sleeping on his side of the bed, and has a little shrine to him on the bedside table? Does he know that Harri cries because I can't kick the footy like him as he used to kick it 'really high up so I could mark it'.
Does he know that Jalen is so sad and scared that he has to sleep in our bedroom? Does he know that he's so quiet and not the usual Jay at all? Does he know that he had been having trouble at school with a bully, but it's now (hopefully) sorted out?
Does he know that Kobe cries for him all the time and yells at me 'me miss my Daddy so much! I want my Daddy, but he died though!'.
Does he know how much I miss sitting on the couch at night together, with my legs up over his as we watched funny shows like Wife Swap together as we laughed together about how crazy people were for even going on there. Does he know that I would now give anything for him to be watching the stupid boring cricket or NAB cup?
Does he know how stressful it is for me to have to fix things that I've never fixed before like the Wii or things on the computer?
Does he know that I'm 'okay' but feeling like that's the only way I can be right now because the boys need me so much and I just don't have time or energy, to be anything but okay right now.
Does he know that I couldn't eat a thing for two weeks, but now I'm eating too much and getting fat again!
Does he know that sometimes when it's quiet I have a good cry, and Jay hears me from bed and comes out to give me a hug and a box of tissues?
Does he know how hard it is to be a single parent, especially when all of us are grieving?
Does he know that I feel like I just have no time to sit and 'be' because I'm too busy doing everything that the both of us did as a team. Now I'm doing it all on my own plus dealing with the boys grief, sorting out our still unfinished house, bills, banks, insurance, and superannation while trying to keep a normal routine with the boys.
Does he know that I'm trying to make things fun and 'normal' for the boys, but feeling anything but?
he know that I've been doing some fun things with good friends, even
though I wish that the world would just stop so I could just sit and
think and breath.
Does he know how much I love him and always will.
Does he know how much I miss him?
Does he know that even though this is SO hard, we will be okay. I know we will. I just wish it wasn't this way.
I just wish we could go back to missing Noah and thinking about him all the time, and wondering how we were going to live without him.