Sunday, 26 February 2012

One Month

The last month has been the fastest, yet hardest month of my life. It's hard to believe that it's already a month since Aaron passed away.   I wish so much that we could go back to the 25th of January and just have things change, but I know that's not possible, and I really do believe (for some reason which I'm yet to understand) that things are how they are meant to be.

It doesn't mean I don't hate it, and it doesn't mean it's easy. 

I don't believe that Aaron knew it was coming, but I do believe he was prepared for it.

I just wish I was prepared too.

There are so many thoughts running through my head all the time.

Did Noah come to us to help us appreciate the little things in life, so we could make the most of every single day because the plan wasn't for Aaron to be around for long?

Why did Aaron have to go right now, just as we were starting to feel on top of our grief after Noah passed away, and was looking forward to doing so many things that we couldn't do for the past ten years?

I can't even get my head around both Aaron and Noah going so closely.  I feel awful some days because sad thoughts of Noah passing are just gone out of my head. I think of him all the time, but it's like my mind has just switched, and I no longer think about Noah passing away.   I just remember the life that we had with him and it's nice to think about the happier times, not when we said goodbye.  It's like it can't process both him and Aaron's passing together.  It's just too much.

Now all my thoughts are constantly about Aaron.


What is he doing?  Is he with Noah all the time?  What do they talk about?

Does he know what I'm doing?

Does he know what the boys are going through?

Does he feel bad that he left us?

Did he want to stay at all, or was it easy to just go to be with Noah?

Does he know how amazing people have been in supporting us?  Does he know that so many people have offered us so many amazing things?

Does he know how many people love(d) him?

Does he know that he changed students lives forever, and they miss him so much?

Does he know that the boys cry every day for him?

Does he know that Harri is so devastated that he can't watch Friday night footy with him anymore, or sit with him at Aurora stadium watching the Hawks play?  Does he know that Harri is sleeping on his side of the bed, and has a little shrine to him on the bedside table?  Does he know that Harri cries because I can't kick the footy like him as he used to kick it 'really high up so I could mark it'.

Does he know that Jalen is so sad and scared that he has to sleep in our bedroom? Does he know that he's so quiet and not the usual Jay at all?  Does he know that he had been having trouble at school with a bully, but it's now (hopefully) sorted out?

Does he know that Kobe cries for him all the time and yells at me 'me miss my Daddy so much! I want my Daddy, but he died though!'.

Does he know how much I miss sitting on the couch at night together, with my legs up over his as we watched funny shows like Wife Swap together as we laughed together about how crazy people were for even going on there.  Does he know that I would now give anything for him to be watching the stupid boring cricket or NAB cup?

Does he know how stressful it is for me to have to fix things that I've never fixed before like the Wii or things on the computer?

Does he know that I'm 'okay' but feeling like that's the only way I can be right now because the boys need me so much and I just don't have time or energy, to be anything but okay right now.

Does he know that I couldn't eat a thing for two weeks, but now I'm eating too much and getting fat again! 

Does he know that sometimes when it's quiet I have a good cry, and Jay hears me from bed and comes out to give me a hug and a box of tissues?

Does he know how hard it is to be a single parent, especially when all of us are grieving?

Does he know that I feel like I just have no time to sit and 'be' because I'm too busy doing everything that the both of us did as a team. Now I'm doing it all on my own plus dealing with the boys grief, sorting out our still unfinished house, bills, banks, insurance, and superannation while trying to keep a normal routine with the boys.

Does he know that I'm trying to make things fun and 'normal' for the boys, but feeling anything but?

Does he know that I've been doing some fun things with good friends, even though I wish that the world would just stop so I could just sit and think and breath. 

Does he know how much I love him and always will.

Does he know how much I miss him?

Does he know that even though this is SO hard, we will be okay.  I know we will. I just wish it wasn't this way.

I just wish we could go back to missing Noah and thinking about him all the time, and wondering how we were going to live without him.


  1. Gosh, my heart breaks for you. All the time. Words seem so empty, just know that you are in the prayers of many, I pray right know you get some time you need to sit and breath.

  2. This is so powerfully written, dear. SO special and heart wrenching.

    He knows.


  3. I'm so sure he knows all that and more.

    It would just be nice to REALLY know that he knows. And I'm sure one day you will.

    You are amazing Lisa, hang in there.

    Love you so much xxxxx

  4. I am sure he knows, beyond that I don't know what to say xxx

  5. I'm with Tone, I reckon he knows and he just aches to touch your face and give you a great big hug on the couch. One day at a time x

  6. I feel so incredibly emotional reading this and can't help thinking of when I went through separation and divorce all the questions. I know it's not the same when a spouse dies but there is this thing called emotion that wells up inside and there is so much to deal with. Thank you for your honesty .... it's hard to go through so much pain and yet somehow you know that in the end it will all be alright, that somehow you just have to get through the pain. You are so brave Lisa and brave to share with others your thoughts and feelings because somehow somewhere you help others to know that they can get through anything, no matter how hard. You have so much love and support and that will get you through, even when you feel like you can't do it.

  7. Oh Lisa, (((hugs))), there are no words, you are all always in our thoughts and prayers.

  8. I think the answer to those questions has got to be a big YES! God knows what you're going through too and you will end up better than 'ok'...eventually. Maybe some favourite and non sad music (listen to it on headphones) can help you have some escape time - even if brief.
    Love you and your family. We continue to pray for you each day. Especially thinking of Jay and wishing I was his teacher. The bully wouldn't know what hit him if he was in my class!!!!
    Much love to you all. xxx

  9. I am certain both cheeky monkies are watching and are in awe of your strength. I am sure your quit and breathing time is much closer than you think. X

  10. Oh dear another moving post. Im sure he knows all that. I also know that I will never moan about my husband watching sport again. Thank you and Aaron for teaching me that. My thoughts are always with you and your wonderful boys

  11. There will be many questions for a while to come now, but please be assured that you will reach a "level feeling" and things will start to fall into place. Just try to deal with one thing at a time and take some time to make the world stop turning (an ipod and a walk worked wonders for me). Embrace the love of all those beautiful people who care for you all so much xx

  12. My heart just climbed into my throat. I've thought some of those same questions and they make me feel sad and I didn't know Aaron. So I try to feel what you share as if it were my husband and it's just too painful to even go there and it makes me wish with every piece of me that someone, anyone, should have to feel this way!

    I wish I knew, as many do I'm sure, what to do or say!

  13. I wish I could give you the space to breathe. I wish it were different that you had you lovely husband there. God is with you. He's ever mindful of you.

  14. My heart goes out to you and my prayers as well. I wrote your name on the Orlando Florida Temple Prayer roll on Friday.

  15. My heart just aches for all of you. For me this was the most emotional that Ive gotton reading your beautiful words. x

  16. Thank you for opening up and sharing how hard and awful it is for you and your boys right now.
    I pray that you will all feel God's arms wrapped around you.
    I don't know how you can bear it, you amaze me with your strength and courage.
    God bless you all!

  17. He knows. Do YOU know that your story has changed the life attitude of a stranger in Canada. She has vowed to stop fighting, start appreciating and improve her relationships to emulate an incredible family inTasmania? Aaron achieved more in his short lifetime than most people will ever achieve!

    1. I hope you will see this reply even though it's two years later, but I just wanted to say how much this comment has touched me xxxx

  18. Please know that I too have gone through this exact same thing. My husband was a firefighter/paramedic and died while at work from a unknown heart problem. Then my kids were 2.5 months, 4 yrs and 5 yrs. it has been three years and it doesn't seem to ever get easier! I know exactly what your talking about. My kids just don't understand. They were so young. Now my baby is 3 and my boys are 7 and 8. They all still have rough days!! I found your blog from another blog! I cry every time I read it because I know how hard it is and what your going through. On the husband part at least! I can't imagine losing a child to. I know your grief is ten times worse. Please know that we are here if you ever need someone to talk to who understands some of what your going through. Hang in there, it doesn't get easier but it does it easier to live with. Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk. God bless you all!!

  19. Hi,

    My name is Dana, and I have been following your blog for almost a month now. I think I havn read almost every post that you have posted. I feel like I know you and your family. Even though I don't know you personally, I feel your sadness from your loss.

    I keep you and your family in my prayers everynight.

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal

  20. You have such a way of bringing us all in and feeling what you are feeling. My heart aches for you and your boys.

    I truly believe that Aaron knows. And knowing how much he loves and cares about you and your boys it is agonizing for him to be away. I'm betting he is doing everything he can to send comfort to you. Look for him in the little things and you'll find evidence of his love for you.

  21. I'm glad you can ask these questions - they make so much sense that you would be asking them. I wish you could be graced with an answer, although in my heart I really feel the answer is yes, he does know.

  22. He knows. Wishing you and your boys peace as you grieve and lean on each other.

  23. I just wanted you to know that you and your family have been in my prayers since I started reading your blog just in the last month. While I can't understand the loss of a spouse, I can understand the loss of a child and there is something personal I want to share with you about an experience that has helped our family thru a difficult time(email me or look for me on FB-Tammy Kurki Miller). My 14 yr old daughter was killed in a car accident one week after your Noah passed away. She was my oldest. She lived life to the fullest and her death, along with the 3 other youth that passed away, has touched so many lives. Noah and Aaron have done the same to complete strangers. You have a beautiful family and the Lord will continue to bless you thru these hard times. My heart is with you and your boys and I pray that you will have continued strength to just get thru the day. I hope that you will contact me, I know that you will be able to appreciate the tender mercies the Lord lets happen.
    sending you a big (((hug))) from Canada. much love, Tammy

    1. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope you're doing okay xx

  24. He knows Beautiful strong Lisa..
    HE knows too...

  25. wishing that he could come and tell you everything you need to know xx

  26. You've been in my thoughts (and my prayers) a lot since I started reading your story. My heart goes out to you and your boys.

  27. My hearts breaks for you Lisa. You are so very brave and such an incredible mother. I'm sure Aaron knows all of those things and that he is with you every day xxx

  28. Lisa you are so amazing and so strong! So many questions. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and the boys xxx

  29. I believe he knows what you are experiencing and is watching over you.

    "The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life". Russell M Nelson

  30. Your writing is touching people all over the world from Canada to Cape Town.

  31. Couldn't read all your post tonight... Too many tears... When I pondered on what you wrote I'm reminded of a song we would sing in young women's called "you're not alone". You're not a lone, and I'm sure they both know how you and the boys are, constantly watching over you. Wanting to help, and knowing that so many are doing what they are not able to at this time.
    Love Tammy

  32. my heart aches for you. but that doesn't help your pain. there is so much of this world that is sooooo overwhelming & things that don't make sense. i wish i had the perfect words. i do however feel, in reading your blog, that you seem to be processing your feelings well. you seem to be very in touch with all of your feelings and everything you're thinking. i also think it's good that you've had the clear mind & energy to keep up with blogging.....for this is a way you can always remember everything you were feeling. and while months down the road your heart will still ache the same as it does today you're i feel certain that your gonna be in a bit of a brighter happier sunnier place! you just seem to exude that kind of "rise above it" attitude!! many hugs from USA- Chattanooga, TN!! I've been following your blog for several weeks now!! YOU ARE AMAZING. i'm sure it may not feel that way right now but please know you are......not because you're giving off this "i'm fine and everything is perfect" picture, rather just the opposite! you're letting us inside all of your raw hard emotions! that deserves applause!! keep fighting, keep getting day these will become easy!!

  33. I think he does know.
    All of it.

    And I think he is so proud of his family.

  34. What a beautiful post - so many questions, and yet so much hope. I am sure he knows it all.

    I found your blog through 71 Toes last Saturday night and stayed up til 3 am reading post after post about Aaron, weeping often. I do not know your family, of course, but my husband is a high school teacher and I totally understand that connection with "his kids." Some are close to 30 now and we are proud to consider them friends. From what you have written, Aaron was a positive and powerful influence on his kids (at home and at school), and that will never diminish.

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with all of us.

  35. I'm sure Aaron knows these things and him and Noah are preparing a place for you in Heaven.

    It's so hard when our loved ones move from this temporary life before us. I wish I knew the answer to "Why" they go before us and why we are left trying to figure out how to live our remaining days here without them.

    Please know you and your sweet boys are in my thoughts and prayers so very much.
    In Christ, Kelley
    Texas, USA

  36. I have no doubt that he knows.

  37. He knows Lisa and he's right by your side...I'm just so sorry that there is so much pain. I wish I could take that from you. I'm grateful for your amazing grace. xxx

  38. I'm wishing that I could take just a little bit of that paint that you are feeling away.

  39. i am so touched by this and though i never know what to say once i am here, i just want you to know that i feel so much love for your family. and always, that i am sending prayers.

  40. You have no idea who I am, and other than what your blog shares, I have no idea who you are, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    I am a single mother of 4 boys, and even though my husband and I are no longer together, I can't imagine him not being there for his boys.


    Thinking of you and your boys.



We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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