Saturday, 4 February 2012

Prepared but not ready

I thought that the day that Noah passed away was going to be one of the hardest days of my life ever, but nothing can compare to the last week.  My thoughts of Noah are now just happy ones of him being free and having ten wonderful years with him.  The feelings of grief and sadness are now taken over by thoughts of Aaron on my mind all day and night.    Considering what has happened I am 'okay'.  I'm eating, sleeping, playing with the boys, getting out, talking and even laughing a lot of the time, but there is a sadness and emptiness that is constantly there, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to shake it.

The four days before Aaron's funeral are a blur of feeling shocked, numb, physically sick, exhausted and overwhelmed with what was going on.  Despite all of these feelings, I also felt a strange sense of peace and that is what helped get me through the day of his funeral and the days since he passed away.

Preparing for Noah's funeral was really hard, even with Aaron by my side. Preparing for Aaron's funeral was physically exhausting as it meant three very late nights as I sorted through photos, helped Jalen make video clips and finally the night before sat down to write his eulogy, which I knew I had to give myself so that people knew the real Aaron.  By Tuesday morning I was prepared for it, but never ready to go and do it all over again.

There is so much I want to write about his funeral so that I don't forget it, so I'm going to break it up into separate posts like I did with Noah's funeral.   Some of these photos are hard for me to even look at myself as it brings up so many emotions from the day of Aaron's funeral, but this is our family record. This is where I record our memories - the good and the hard.  This is my therapy as I write about things, as I have for the past five years.  

Thank you to my amazing friends Chelsea, Fiona, Donna and Alison for taking photos for me.  I know they will be healing for me in the days, months and years to come.

I'm forever blown away by the strength of my boys.  To know that they just lost their brother and were going to their Dad's funeral broke my heart. I wished I could take their pain away, but they were so strong for me.  Harri decided the night before that he really wanted a job to help Daddy, so he took on the job of handing out the funeral programs.  It broke my heart and also made me smile at the same time to see him doing it. For him to see the photo of his Dad on the front must've been so hard, but he stood there with a smile as he handed it out to the hundreds of strangers who also loved his Dad.

If it wasn't for Kobe I know how much harder each and every day would be right now.  He is just what we needed to bring a smile to our faces and lighten the mood.

When Noah passed away Jalen was the strong one. He knew it was Noah's time to go and has been so strong for the past three and a half months.  But knowing that he no longer has time with his Dad on earth has broken his heart.

I just wish so much I could take away the pain from the boys and deal with it all myself, but I can't.

As much as I have family, friends and strangers from all around the world supporting and helping me right now, I just feel so alone.  Aaron was always the one by my side helping me through hard times.

It's hard seeing his family and the rest of my family so sad as I know how much they are going to miss him so much too. I know that he would've loved seeing all of the pall bearers including his Dad, my brothers and his two brother in laws Alex and Ashley in his ties on Tuesday, especially the Hawthorn ones.

As hard as the day was I was grateful for the little reminders from not only Kobe but also my gorgeous nephew Lachie who reminded me that 'Uncle Aaron is in Heaven'.   Yes he is Lachie and I have no doubt how happy he is right now to be with Noah. I just wish they were both still here with all of us instead.


  1. lots of hugs Lisa, we love you.

  2. Hi.. I know that you don't know me. I just recently found your blog. My heart is aching for you and your family. Seeing that picture of you with your head laying on his casket.. I burst into tears. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know that the pain will probably never go away, but I pray that it gets easier to cope with.

  3. I have cried many tears for you. I don't know if you feel strong, but I see strength. I know some people who know you IRL and they talk of your family in such a positive way.
    I read a few blogs of peoples who have faced heartbreak of different varieties, it feels a little voyeuristic when I don't know them, only of them. But your blog and others similar are sooooo valuable to me. Your pain helps reminds me to live life. Thank you for sharing.

  4. ohh beautiful Lisa, I cried while taking those photos, I cried editing them and I cry now reading your words. love you x

  5. Thank goodness for the blessing of Kobe and Lachie's faith.
    I love thephotos of those two gorgeous little men.
    Bless you sweetheart.
    Love Mum.

  6. It is just so heartbreaking to see not only you but your wee boys going through this. I don't know you but feel so much for your family. My thoughts are with you.

  7. Oh Lisa, I'll be praying that you will be wrapped up in love from heaven in those times when you feel so alone. I wish I could take this from you...

  8. I can't begin to understand the depth of your sorrow Lisa, I hope somehow writing and talking and remembering helps. And crying too, lots of crying.

  9. Words fail me, but I am praying for you all.

  10. You don't know who I am, but I just want you to thank you for having the courage to share what you did. Your strength and bravery through this is inspiring - you've reminded me to see the beauty and happiness in life even when working through difficulty. I know the pain will never leave, but I hope so much for you that it becomes easier to manage. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  11. THose photos Lisa, so beautiful, but so so sad. I shed tears for you every day, you are doing such a fine, graceful and strong job. Always inspired by you xxx

  12. Dear Lisa,
    you don't know me. My name is Julie and I live in California. I came across your blog by accident (through someone else's). I am SO sorry for the loss of your son & husband. I can't imagine the pain and saddness you must be feeling. Please know you & your boys are in my thoughts & prayers.

  13. DearLisa,
    You don't know me either and I never leave comments but I just had to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am from California and just started reading your blog Tuesday. I have shed many tears over your situation but am in awe of how strong you are. Six years ago
    my Mother unexpectely passed away from a heart ailment. She had so much to live for, she had my father and her 6 children and 25 grandchildren who still needed her!I couldn't understand why she had to leave. Three months later my oldest nephew, who was born with Down Syndrome also unexpectley passed away. When he passed it all of a sudden made sense! It was so comforting to know they are together. And even though I know you are comforted your son and husband are now together I know you also need him and I can't imagine the pain you must be in. But, I also know you are loved by our Heavenly Father. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Kari

  14. I came across your blog when I was reading another one, and my heart just breaks for you, I feel so sorry for you and the boys, all I can say is that your family is in my prayers and I will continue to pray for you and the boys, I see the strength that you have had and I know will continue to have thru this time in your life. You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have. Take care.

  15. Tuesday was such a hard day Lisa, I can't even comprehend what you are feeling right now. Such beautiful, raw emotion shown in those photos. Thanks for sharing them with us. The story you are writing has hit a rough patch right now, but I know that in years to come you and the boys will read back on your memories with appreciation that they have been preserved. x

  16. Lisa, Jalen, Harrison and Kobe, you don't know me, but I came across your blog and was immensely touched by it. Lisa, your strenth is mind blowing. I feel for you so much, and find myself overwhelmed by your courage. I wish so much I could relieve your hurt and pain, I am so sorry I can't. What an inspiration to others you and your beautiful boys are. Aaron and Noah will be so incredibly proud of you all and will be watching over you like no tomorrow. Much love to you, Jalen, Harrison and Kobe as you face each day with such courage. Take care xoxo

  17. I hate that you're suffering. I wish, like everyone else, that I could somehow take away your pain. Love you. xxx

  18. A facebook friend of mine posted this and i thought of you. "Tears are words from the heart thar can't be spoken"
    So many tears have been shed for you, your boys and your extended family. No words can express my sorrow.

  19. I know Aaron is with you, wiping your tears when you feel so alone. XX xxxx

  20. So Beautiful Lisa, so many I'm sure are crying with you, as am I .... feeling so much for you and yet knowing that no one can take your pain away. All they can do is be there for you and send out love to you. Leonie xoxo

  21. my eyes well-up every post you write. still praying for you, jaylen, harri and kobe. love to you x

  22. Loving thoughts and cyberhugs are sent your way xxx

  23. Lisa your boys are very lucky to have such a positive and brave soul like you in their life. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling, I truly can't. But the look on you and your sons' faces is of great sadness and loss. I think of you often (even though I don't know you). I am reminded that our time here is short and I am learning to not sweat the small stuff.

    My prayers go out to you and your boys.

  24. I understand what you are saying when you say you are surrounded by family, friends, and even strangers...yet you feel so alone. That is EXACTLY how I felt when I lost my husband.

    I love how you said you wrote the eulogy because you wanted everyone to know the real Aaron. It is amazing what love can pull us through.

    My prayers will continue to be with you and your boys. (((Hugs)))

    ~Lisa in Seattle

  25. Lisa--thank you for sharing your pictures. I hope they bring you comfort. Your post is amazing. I know the emptiness you feel, as I still feel that even after 14 months since David's passing. I also wrote his eulogy but had his son read it for me because I didn't think I could do it. You are truly an amazing woman with three amazing sons. Sending you hugs and love from Massachusetts, USA.

  26. I came across your blog through Sarah Livingston who posted about it on Facebook and your story/life has touched me deeply.

    I have never lost a child or husband, but I lost my little brother when he was 13, I was 5 years older at that time - he was handicapped. My mom said that without the Gospel she wouldn't have survived. I still think about him almost every day although it is 18 years ago.

    But I have a husband who lost his father when he was 11. My mother-in-law was 35 with 5 kids, the youngest 8, the oldest 17. My husband and his siblings turned out fabulous and their bond as a family and between the siblings is very strong. Everybody is still active and have been on missions and married in the Temple (the youngest one just last week). Unfortunately there were no immediate male figures in their family and I can see that my husband missed that a lot. But it seems that your boys have so much family around them that you don't need to worry. And you have now 2 angels around you helping out. The Lord has a plan for your family and for you.

    I can only imagine how tough this time is for you and your family. But we can do hard things and I am looking forward to following your journey through life. You are amazing.

    I will be having you and your family in my prayers. May our Heavenly Father bless you all with more strength and happy moments.


  27. You have such amazing grace. Thank you for your example Lisa. We are fasting together as a family this weekend, hoping that you will be able to feel the love that we have for you, hoping that you will not feel so alone. xxx

  28. I came across your blog from Nie Nie's, and I wanted you to know that a family in Denver, USA is praying for you and your boys.

  29. A stranger left a link to your blog today, and I'm heartbroken for you and your family. 18 months ago we lost our daughter, in an accidental drowning. Until you experience losing a loved one, you really canot totally comprehend all the pain that comes along with grieving. I can't imagine how difficult it has been losing your husband after everything you've been through with Noah. We'll definitely be sending love and prayers your way.

    Ashley Sullenger

  30. I just recently found your blog and am so very sorry for your losses. I think about you every day and hope your memories will sustain you. Love from Blue Bell, Pennsylvania USA

  31. Oh wow. You poor thing, and your poor kids. You must be questioning your faith right now why a good man was taken so soon after your beautiful family has already just suffered such tragedy in losing Noah. I wish you all tons of strength to get through the difficult days/weeks/months ahead. Be kind to yourself. You will never get over it but you will learn to live with it. Peace and love to you all xxx

  32. I am so very sorry for your very great loss of Aaron, and before that Noah.

    Losing Noah while incredibly difficult and painful, came with some warning. Being able to love and have him for the years no one believed he would make it a great gift. You had time to process you were losing him and love him up, say your good byes best you could before he passed.

    Losing Aaron must be just completely shocking. I am so sorry you have to go through this so soon after losing your beloved Noah. Just heart wrenching and I am so very sorry for your huge losses.

    You are not alone although it must feel that way right now. You have family and friends that love and will be there for you if you reach out.. and us out there on the WWW rooting for you and sending our best wishes and prayers for your family.

    I am so sorry..

  33. Sending love and prayers to you and your family.

  34. Tears streaming at those beautiful photos and your beautiful words Lisa. I can not even comprehend your grief and feelings of loniness. I pray for you daily.

  35. Lisa
    I cannot believe the grief you must feel at this time. I am crying just imagining my two children without their father.
    At present, my husband and I are having some difficulties. Reading your words about how much your husband means to you will help me to work through these problems - for us, for our children and for our future.
    All the best in your journey.

  36. Lisa, you and your boys are so brave. Your photos are heartbreaking. love you xxxx


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