A week ago

You were just about to run back from the boat ramp with Alex and come in the door and tell us one of your usual stupid jokes - that the boat was stuck as the tide went out while you were fishing. We knew straight away that you were joking as there is hardly a time when you were ever serious.  We had a good laugh and then you sat down to have that chocolate pudding that you were eyeing off before you went out on the boat.

Now I'm sitting here still in disbelief that this has happened.  A week ago today you told me your 'heart was being healed' as you were so happy that my family had come down to join us for a family holiday. A week ago we were jumping in the huge waves at Binalong Bay, and you were asking me if I was okay as it's not like me to want to run into the ocean and have a swim with you.  I don't know why I wanted to, but all of a sudden I had this urge just to brave the cold and do it, and I'm so glad I did.

A week ago we were looking forward to a beautiful week on the coast.   Now I wake up this morning to this in the newspaper. I'm so grateful for all the love and support being shown to us right now and am blown away by what people are saying and doing.   But then my heart is so heavy as nothing will bring you back.  Nothing will change what has happened. Nothing will make us a family of six again.  I got a health care card sent to me today with four names on it.  That's just not right.  We aren't a family of four!


After lots of tears yesterday I got a text message late last night from the boys from the gym asking if I was keen to catch up today.  I thought it would be nice to get out, so I had lunch with my gym buddies while Mum and Chrish took the boys to the park, and it was really nice.  It was actually the first day in a week that I felt like I had a bit of my appetite back.   It was 'nice' to talk about what had happened and how it had happened and to be with my friends.  It was nice to see the excitement from the boys when I said that I'm sure that you would love for them to keep your Britney DVD that you lent them last week, as no one else would appreciate it as much as they would.

We went to visit Marlo today to have a treatment, and there were lots of tears as we talked about how we know that you had to go, but how hard it's going to be to live without you.  She gave each of the boys a card with some lovely words in it and an extra special letter for Jay saying she understood the responsibility of being the oldest in the family when a parent passes away.  On the way back home Kobe pretended to read his letter saying 'To Kobe.  Daddy died, Noah died.  We're going to go to their graves.  Me miss Daddy and Noah'.  From Marlo'.

We felt bad that we didn't stay long at your graves today as we didn't want to get locked in as the gates were supposed to already be shut.

I wish it was a week ago and that you are running in to joke that the boat was stuck, that you are sitting down eating your chocolate pudding and that we were still sitting in front of you playing cards, instead of having to try to work out how life will ever feel complete again.