Thursday, 2 February 2012

A week ago

You were just about to run back from the boat ramp with Alex and come in the door and tell us one of your usual stupid jokes - that the boat was stuck as the tide went out while you were fishing. We knew straight away that you were joking as there is hardly a time when you were ever serious.  We had a good laugh and then you sat down to have that chocolate pudding that you were eyeing off before you went out on the boat.

Now I'm sitting here still in disbelief that this has happened.  A week ago today you told me your 'heart was being healed' as you were so happy that my family had come down to join us for a family holiday. A week ago we were jumping in the huge waves at Binalong Bay, and you were asking me if I was okay as it's not like me to want to run into the ocean and have a swim with you.  I don't know why I wanted to, but all of a sudden I had this urge just to brave the cold and do it, and I'm so glad I did.

A week ago we were looking forward to a beautiful week on the coast.   Now I wake up this morning to this in the newspaper. I'm so grateful for all the love and support being shown to us right now and am blown away by what people are saying and doing.   But then my heart is so heavy as nothing will bring you back.  Nothing will change what has happened. Nothing will make us a family of six again.  I got a health care card sent to me today with four names on it.  That's just not right.  We aren't a family of four!

After lots of tears yesterday I got a text message late last night from the boys from the gym asking if I was keen to catch up today.  I thought it would be nice to get out, so I had lunch with my gym buddies while Mum and Chrish took the boys to the park, and it was really nice.  It was actually the first day in a week that I felt like I had a bit of my appetite back.   It was 'nice' to talk about what had happened and how it had happened and to be with my friends.  It was nice to see the excitement from the boys when I said that I'm sure that you would love for them to keep your Britney DVD that you lent them last week, as no one else would appreciate it as much as they would.

We went to visit Marlo today to have a treatment, and there were lots of tears as we talked about how we know that you had to go, but how hard it's going to be to live without you.  She gave each of the boys a card with some lovely words in it and an extra special letter for Jay saying she understood the responsibility of being the oldest in the family when a parent passes away.  On the way back home Kobe pretended to read his letter saying 'To Kobe.  Daddy died, Noah died.  We're going to go to their graves.  Me miss Daddy and Noah'.  From Marlo'.

We felt bad that we didn't stay long at your graves today as we didn't want to get locked in as the gates were supposed to already be shut.

I wish it was a week ago and that you are running in to joke that the boat was stuck, that you are sitting down eating your chocolate pudding and that we were still sitting in front of you playing cards, instead of having to try to work out how life will ever feel complete again.


  1. I wish the last week could go away Lisa. Still love you x

  2. Wow, your writng is amazing, the way you are expressing your pain and reflecting your strength is nothing short of heroic. It must have been the longest/shortess week of your life xx

  3. I never imagined that Aaron could possibly love you more than he did but I know that as you have got through each minute of every day since last week, I think he loves you now more than ever before. XX xxxx

  4. Ditto to Simone's comment.

    I know for certain that he'll continue to show you and tell you how much he loves you, every single day until you're reunited. He just has to be a little more creative with the ways he does it now. Look for him everywhere, and he'll be there.

  5. I'm sorry Lee,but I feel like I just want to choke tonight, my heart is so heavy, and all I can come up with is "Aaron it was so Un Australian of you", and I'm no where near making a joke.
    Sleep well sweetheart.
    Love Mum.

  6. You are so loved Lisa by so many and even people that have never met you .... I love your spirit, your courage, I love that you are so real when you share how you are feeling. My dad was killed when I was 6 so I sort of know how your boys are feeling and I feel for them. How beautiful that they got to be a part of saying goodbye to their wonderful dad ... I didn't get to say goodbye to mine. They are so blessed to have you as their mum. I cry every time I read your blog and my heart goes out to you, and yet I know that no words can take away your pain right now xoxo

  7. I don't know what to say - wish you could wake up from this nightmare and have the dream you always wanted xxx

  8. Thinking of you xxxxx

  9. Lisa, I wish more than anything that you weren't having to find a way to get through the day, that you didn't have to receive mail with 'new' meaning, that there wasn't another grave to visit. I feel bad that I get to 'choose' when I visit your blog, as I know I will cry again. I wish you had that option too. Be gentle on yourself and know you're always in my thoughts.

  10. My heart breaks for you every time I visit your blog and read about your pain. You are an amazing and inspirational person Lisa and the way you express your feelings and emotions through your writing is so touching!
    Sending love to you and your gorgeous boys xxx

  11. Tears, loves, hugs, and prayers from Seattle, Washington- USA.

    Here is a quote I wrote down in my journal, right before my sister and her fiance were involved in a fatal automobile accident. This quote has helped to strengthen me. It is from Elder Neal A. Maxwell (Ensign, July 2002).

    "...As important as our labors here are, they have to be put in perspective in the context of that plan (of salvation). We do not control what I call 'The Great Transfer Board in the sky.' The inconveniences that are sometimes associated with release from our labors here are necessary in order to accelerate the work there. Heavenly Father can't do His work there, with 10 times more people than we have on this planet, without on occasion taking some of the very best sisters and brothers from among us. The conditions of termination here, painful though they are, are a part of the conditions of acceleration there. Thus, we are back to faith in the timing of God, and to our need to be able to say, 'Thy timing be done' even when we do not fully understand it."

    It doesn't make it any less heartbreaking or easier. But I know that your Noah and Aaron have been called home because they are among the very best that are needed. And you are among the very best too to be a part of their great callings. You are supporting them through your personal sacrifices. Your family will be greatly blessed.

    Your level of sorrow is simply a reflection of your level of love- and that is why it hurts so much...because you love so much.
    I think those who suffer the greatest trials are also those who best understand the Savior.
    I pray you will feel His loving arms of comfort during this very difficult time.
    You are a family of 6 and will be forever.

  12. I am sending love and hugs from Poolesville, Maryland - USA. I desperately wish I could rewind time and give you back last week. I am so deeply sorry for your losses.

  13. Lisa,
    Love to you and your amazing family. My heart breaks for you :(.
    I don't know you personally, but feel so touched by and drawn to you. I am half Aussie myself-my mom married my dad after his mission to Australia way back in 69. My dad, too, passed when he was only 39-seems so unfair and hard to understand, but we don't see the whole picture-just have to cling to an eternal perspective.
    My daughter is 12 as well-actually the same birthday as your Jay. I still have a lot of family in Australia-Melbourne, Adelaide, Sydney, and Broken Hill. I haven't been there in 20 years, but my husband is lucky enough to make it to Australia nearly every month.
    Once again, my heart breaks for you-know that prayers are coming to you from around the globe as you try to forge through the moments, days, and weeks ahead.
    Xoxo from Arizona

  14. Lisa, I have shed many a tear for you and your sweet family today. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Love a fellow LDS sister in Missouri, USA.

  15. My heart goes out to you!!!
    Kris from California

  16. I am sorry for how much your heart is hurting. I am more sorry your children have to experience so much loss at such a young age.

    Prayers will be sent your way. Even though I don't personally know you your story makes my heart hurt for you and yours.

  17. I came upon your blog by a link from nienie's. I am an LDS wife and mother in Utah. Your story is heartbreaking and almost unreal. The gospel may give us an eternal perspective on things, but it is still very difficult to handle with our mortal bodies. We have also suffered loss, one of my favorite quotes is,


    Just know that there are people all over the world that are including you in their prayers. You are amazing!

  18. My prayers are with you! God bless and comfort all the Kings.

  19. I am so sorry! My heart grieves along side and I never had the pleasure to know your son or husband. There truly are no words...but there are prayers, and that is where I will put my energy! Blessings to you, my friend.

  20. In tears again for someone I'll probably never meet this side of heaven. My heart aches for you. I am a wife and mother of four. Never again will I take for granted one little iota of time I have with my loved ones. I'll forever be praying for you and your boys...from Rochester, NY USA.

  21. Lisa, I have been reading your blogs and facebook over the last week in shock. I dont really know you other than to say Hi but my heart is breaking for you and your beautiful little boys.
    You have inspired me to start my blog again as I orgainally started one about the same time as you from Chelsea's influence. I began reading your's again yesterday from day 1, I think it might take awhile.
    You are a brave beautiful person Lisa, it must be so hard to fathom how life will go on,

    Fiona Karas

    P.s Still trying to figure out how to work my blog when i no longer have the email address I used to sign in with. ?? IT is not my strong point.

  22. Lisa, you write so eloquently and have certainly touched all of our hearts with your strength. Love and prayers to all of you.

  23. i am so sorry, my english is not good enough to find the right words!!! But than, is there something like right words?? I am very thankful, to have "met" you and your family. I think you are very special, wonderful people! Truly! You're writing is so wonderful and you seem to me such a happy person. Happy is not the right word, i mean, after all the sad sad things that happened you are still able to find something good in life. Oh, i hope this does not sound to wears to you!
    I am thankful that you made me realize what is really important in life, and what not.
    My best wishes and LOVE to you and your boys and your family!
    Claudi from Germany

  24. I keep coming to your blog and reading your entries in disbelief, almost as if I expect this all to have been some awful dream. Thinking of your sweet family so many times each day. I wish I could turn back time for you.

    Pasadena, California, USA

  25. Sending you and your family tons of love and thoughts right now!!

  26. Oh you will always be a family of 6... I know Aaron and Noah must be so proud of you all... I wish with all my heart that I could take away the heartache the past week has held.

  27. You have been in my prayers. Your story has touched me, helped me to hug my kids and husband more, and to treasure every moment we have. With much love, an LDS sister in Canada.

  28. I just 'met' your family through Nie Nie's blog. I read about your son, Noah, and then I read about your husband. I keep coming back and reading it all over and over again. I simply can't process the magnitude of your losses.

    I am so heartbroken for you, for your sons, for your family. I ache for you all. Please know that you all are in my thoughts and on my mind all of the time. I can't stop thinking about you. I wish I could do more than send you my love. But I am sending my love to your whole family. You are in my thoughts and my heart.

  29. That last photo breaks my heart :( You're still a family of six xx

  30. This was the 1st time I found you and was excited to know it was from a beautiful LDS family!! and yes ... so pretty and happy! but as I started looking the pics and learned what happened through your mind and feelings I felt how this is a sad time for you all!
    I have also been through these experiences with my family and dear friends !! it's always a sad feeling...we don't when we will meet again and our life here is a little different from what is coming next! and yes ... it's always a new challenge and yes ... new things need to be changed and done in a different way...and things were so good before! But my experience, and it might be the same for you, it's the love and help we receive from our dear Father! it is He who knows it all and what is best for us...our family is also...but we spend some time alone and the sadness is there, will be there for some time and for me stayed for ever, but it gets better and it gets positive for the memories ... so many good things to remember!! Your cute and fun boys need to feel that things are okay!! to feel you are okay! The Lord can bless you and He will! You have a lots of friends and family...and this is such a blessing...and remember that your husband and your boy are together and he is not sick anymore! they will be praying and wishing you all the best!
    I have learned that it takes sometimes to understand why things are they are! but, the Lord is there waiting to help and bless!!
    I loved your family!! thank you for your example!!
    From a friend in São Paulo, Brazil

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