All over again

Where to start. So many people. So much love shown to us today.

It was a hard, but amazing day today as we said farewell to Aaron. I knew it would be big, but it was way bigger than I imagined.

There were so many people that the chapel, lounge and hall were filled and then people were also watching it in other rooms and also outside on a big screen.

All day I just kept thinking that it was unbelievable to think that we were doing this all over again.
My boys were amazing and so, so strong. Both Jay and Harri spoke about Aaron and told everyone all the things they loved doing with him, and how he would be happy with Noah right now.  All three of them sat close by me the whole time, even Kobe who usually likes to go off and sit somewhere else. He was so good the whole time.

Jay has told me he is now the 'man of the house' and whenever he sees me crying he comes over and rubs my arm and says 'it'll be okay Mum, we'll be okay. It'll get easier'.

It was a hard day but I felt Aaron and Noah close by and after first of all thinking that I wouldn't be able to get up and speak, I was overcome with peace and felt very calm as I told everyone about the Aaron I know and love.

As Chrish drove the boys and I into the cemetery we talked about how just last week were were walking through there at night, laughing, playing and joking as we went down to Noah's grave.  Now we were following his body in the hearse.   Just seeing his name on the board all alone, made me sad.

After rain during the night, Noah turned on the weather for us again and the sun started to come out.


I thought I would find it really hard at the cemetery like I did with Noah, but I just felt a lot of peace as I watched his coffin being lowered into the ground.  Kobe helped make it easier as he said 'here it goes! Down, down, down!' and made us all smile.  Once the coffin got to the bottom Kobe then said 'now he's in Heaven!'.

I'm sure he was smiling down on us, especially as we sent up the Hawks colours balloons to him and Noah. 

Preparing for tomorrow

As I drove to the funeral home with Chrish today, I said how different it is planning a funeral 'on my own'. I feel anything but on my own at the moment as I have family staying, and so much love, support and physical help, but some things I can only do on my own.

When we were planning Noah's funeral Aaron and I did it together.  Aaron put together all of his photos and helped Jay make the DVD clips, while I helped the boys with their talks.  Now I'm doing it on my own,  and as strange as it sounds I'm glad that I've already gone through it once before with Aaron by my side.  If I hadn't done it before and had to plan his funeral all by myself, I know there is no way I could be doing what I'm doing right now.

I can't even compare the passing of Noah to the passing of Aaron. I don't even know what I think myself. In some ways it's easier as the experience of losing Noah has helped me to know what to expect, but it many ways it's so much harder.   I still don't believe it. I'm not sure if I'll ever believe it. I know it's happened, it's just too much to come to terms with it just yet.

When I arrived at the funeral home the funeral director who did Noah's funeral came out straight away to give me a hug.  I cried and told her that Aaron obviously couldn't live without Noah and she said that when the call came through they just couldn't believe it.

Today my brothers and brother in law Alex, and our friend who is our Stake President from our church were my rocks.  They dressed Aaron's body and we got to spend a lot of time together as we touched him, kissed him, cried over him and even laughed.  I'm sure Aaron was loving the fact that Eden and Chrish were wearing his Hawthorn ties and he even got Jared into his pink one!  Jared is not one to wear pink :)

After they dressed him, the boys and I went in to spend some time alone with Aaron's body.  I kind of knew what to expect after dressing Noah after he passed away, and it was the same this time.  He looked so peaceful and beautiful and it's strange to say but he really looked so happy.   We laughed as it looked like he had a little grin on his face, and we stired him about all the grief he was giving us, while he was just smiling.

The boys were so brave and stayed for a long time with him.  Jalen shed lots of tears as he touched and hugged him, while Harri and Kobe just stood back a little and were very quiet.  I didn't want to leave Aaron, especially as I know that I'll only his body one more time tomorrow.  It's so hard not being able to see Noah's face or touch him anymore and now I have to feel that pain with Aaron too.

After dressing his body we went to the church to set up a table with some of Aaron's special things.   Harri helped me choose out his favourite Hawks geurnsey. It's hard to know which one is a favourite, when he has so many!

At the chapel were people setting up hundreds (literally!) of beautiful donated flowers from different florists around town. I'm overwhelmed with the generosity and kindness of so many people right now.   Even though we set up quickly, we spent a lot of time just sitting around together, watching the clips that Jay and I put together of photos of Aaron. It was lucky that I had lots of hankies on hand.





It's hard to believe that tomorrow is his funeral.  It's strange to even type that.  I wish I didn't have to type that.   It's going to be another long night as I sit and write my talk for the funeral tomorrow. I don't want to miss out anything, but know that I could never say enough about how lucky I was to be married to my best friend.

Please tell your Dad

that I'm sorry that I yelled that I needed him and he had to breath.  I still do need him and I wish he was breathing, and talking, and walking, and joking, and holding me right now.   But I know you and Dad needed to be together for some reason, but it's so hard to take.  

It's hard to understand, and it's hard to see how I'm going to live without both of you. 

But I have to.

Please hug your Dad for me and tell him how much I love and miss him very much.

Even though my thoughts are consumed with your Dad at the moment, you are also on my mind as I wonder what you are doing together.   I hope you were both watching us today as your cousins came to play with your brothers. They loved having them here, and it made me happy to see them having so much fun together.   Chloe and Kelsea were so cute picking my herbs for me out of Daddy's veggie patch (that didn't really need to be picked) so I didn't 'have to do so much work'.  

Tell Dad that Uncle Eden fixed that silly blind that we could never fix properly.  He said it's 'never, ever coming down again'.  I'm sure Dad will be happy about that :)

Is it real?

I know it really happened, but how can it be real?

This is how I imagine us right now - together with you right by my side helping me to have the strength to get through the hours, days, weeks, months and years ahead.

I know you couldn't stay honey as much as I wish you could.  I know there must be something much bigger that you are doing right now.  I kept thinking how torn you must've been -  to want to stay for me and the boys, but wanting and needing to go.

I'm okay.  We even played cards with the boys tonight and had lots of laughs.  I'm sure you saw Harri and his crazy trash talking, making us all laugh.  It seems strange to do 'normal' things but I feel like I need to for the boys. I'm sure you also saw Kobe showing off all day as he danced for us.  At bedtime he said 'Daddy died, Noah died, Daddy died too. He's not here'. 

I'm so overwhelmed with love and support at the moment and you know how independent and strong I always am.  It's hard to accept things from people, but I know you would be wanting me to just accept things because I need all the help I can get right now, and be grateful.

And I am. So, so, so grateful.

Please give Noah a hug from me, and tell him I love and miss him so much.

And then there were four

We are home from our holiday down at St Helens early unfortunately because my heart is breaking as Aaron passed away after 9 pm last night. I'm numb and feel physically sick and can't believe it.   It looks like he suffered a heart attack.  I know his heart was so sad after losing Noah and I'm sure that had something to do with it, but I also know that in many ways he was prepared to go now and has hard as it is to believe, it was his time to go.

My family was with me and thank goodness they were because I needed them last night, more than I've needed anything before.  They gave me so much strength and without them there I know it would've been so much worse.

This is one of the last photos that I took of him, which was taken the day before he passed away. 

 I know that they say that you aren't given anymore than you can handle, but right now I think I'm at my limit.   After losing Noah less than four months ago and now losing my best friend, eternal companion and love of my life I'm so grateful for my three boys who I love so much, who give me strength to keep going and look ahead to the day when we will be together with Noah and Aaron again. All I can think of is them hugging and talking and running and even side stepping together.  Oh how wonderful their reunion must've been.

I love you Aaron and I wish you were here just for one more day, to let you know just how much.

Wishing you were coming too

Tomorrow we are heading off for our annual break away at the beach.  We are really looking forward to it but it is so bittersweet as we are excited to get away, but know it is not going to be the same without having Noah with us.

We are having a harder week than usual this week, and there have been a lot of tears from all of us.  We hope that the week away will be a happy one and just the thing we need. My whole family plan on heading down as well later on and we look forward to showing them all the beautiful spots that we visit every year. 

I have no doubt we will be thinking of Noah every single minute as we do things we would normally do with him with us. I plan on having a REAL break and not touching the blog until we get back so if it's quiet on here, it's all good :)

Tears for Sam

Kobe is absolutely obsessed with the Wiggles.  He has been excited to see them in the paper a lot over the past week or so, and would sit and look at it for ages.



The boys then filled him in on why they are actually in the newspaper - because Greg is coming back and Sam has to leave.  Kobe kept saying 'but why Sam leaving!? Sam still here! See!!' and would point to his picture in the paper. We kept telling him that Greg was going to be the 'new' yellow Wiggle.  He was NOT happy and his bottom lip dropped and the tears started.   We tried to play it down and said that Sam was getting a new job and was going to look after his baby.  He then just kept asking 'but why!?'. 

I hope The Wiggles know how much trauma they are putting the kids through!

Holiday at home

On Friday night my brother Christian ('Chrish' or 'Pish' if you are Kobe!) arrived from Sydney, to stay for a couple of weeks in Tassie. The boys were so excited to know he was coming to stay for a couple of nights before heading out to Grandma and Grandpa's.

Harri straight away asked if we could pick him up from the airport and then take him straight to see Noah's grave, as he hadn't seen it since the week of Noah's funeral.  Chrish was happy to go and visit and I'm sure Noah would've loved his bright Star Track uniform that he had on, as he went straight to the airport from work :)

It's nice to have the whole family back in one place again, but of course it doesn't feel like the whole family is here at all with Noah gone.  We are looking forward to spending a couple of weeks together as a whole family with Chrish home, and I'm sure Noah will be watching over us as we do some fun things together.

Under the Possum Tree

Yesterday Harri recieved a HUGE package in the mail.  We had no idea what it was, or who it was from at first, so he was VERY excited to see he was getting a big box in the mail.

Inside was a card saying that they knew that Harri was missing Noah a lot and they hoped that he would love the present and to let him and us know they were thinking of us every day.  Inside was the most beautiful rug with a photo of the boys in front of the 'possum tree' (blossom tree) on it.  It was incredible and we couldn't believe that someone had organised it for us. As an extra special treat there was also a HUGE bag of peanut butter cups for him to share with us :)

 Harri and Kobe loved lying down to see if they were actually taller than their picture on the rug.

Thank you Angie for such a beautiful and touching gift. We love it so much and Harri has taken it off to his bedroom. I'm sure after a little while we will be able to have it out with us more so we can all snuggle under it together :)

The 'other footy' season

It may not be the AFL footy season right now, but Aaron and the boys are loving NFL at the moment.  If they aren't watching it, they are talking about it.  But even better is playing it together.

I love watching them have so much fun together, even if it means we have to put up with footy season all year round.

Smile!

Speaking of calendars a friend came up to me at church on Sunday and asked if it was me in this years 'Smile calendar'.  I asked if she meant one of my photos as I had entered a few photos in this years Smile competition again, but knew that none of them had been placed this year.

She told me she actually thought there was a photo of me in it and described what the photo looked like, and I realised straight away that it must've been one that Makayla had taken of Kobe and I in the leaves last year.  Yesterday we went to see if we could get a copy of the calendar. 

Yep! There we were - right on the best month of the year! (Kobe's, Noah's and my birthdays are in June).  I texted Makayla to tell her it was actually in there (as Centro doesn't even let you know that you even have a photo in there) and she was very excited.

I started to look through the calendar and was shocked to see that two of my photos that I had entered were also in there!!  It's very exciting seeing my photos being published. My photo of Maddi, Kels and Chloe at Easter time was featured in April.

And one of my favourite photos ever of Leanne getting dragged into Pop's river was featured in March.

I had to beg for them to give me calendars for Makayla and myself (you would think they would even just send us a couple since our photos are in there!?) so if anyone happens to come across any and you don't want them, I would love some extra copies so I could give one to Nicki, Steph and Becky and also Leanne.

The buddies are back together

We had been hanging out for tonight knowing that all of the gym buddies would be back together again, with a reunion at the bike centre.   The Horsmans and Kylie and Shayne and the kids also joined us (we think they should definitely come to the gym with us!) and was lovely for them to be there as they had gotten to know each other over the last year or so with babies born around the same time, and getting to know each other through Facebook and each others blogs.  There were lots of meetings for the first time.

Lisa brought along treats from the USA for everyone to try.

It was lovely catching up with everyone. The kids had a lovely time playing together - even though some of them had never met until tonight.




 

I wish these three were going to high school together this year. 

Kobe and Eden crack us up. They play hard to get with each other, and act all shy but we can see how happy they are to see each other again.

It's so nice to have all my gym buddies back in one place.  The boys also joined us for a little while. We are being a bit slack at the gym over summer as we are making the most of the beautiful weather, but I'm looking forward to having us all in the back corner again tomorrow!  As I said to Kylie tonight - our mouths get more of a workout than our bodies most of the time, but we love it.