Moving On

Yesterday was a really happy day for Harri, yet this morning on the way to school there were a lot of tears again.  Earlier in the week Harri said to me one day after school 'you know how our life is really sad now because Noah died.  Well now I'm even sadder because my friends aren't being kind to me anymore'.

I asked him what he meant and he said that straight after Noah died all of his friends in his class were 'very kind' to him and now only his best friends were being kind.  He told me of a few things they had done which was nothing major, but obviously it was upsetting him so I went and had a chat to his teacher about it. The next day she told me that she kept an eye on him all day and he was quite happy and then went off in the corner and had a bit of a cry and again said his friends weren't being kind to him.  She said that she had been watching what was going on and it wasn't that at all, and he was obviously just feeling sad.

This morning on the way to school he started crying and said 'you know how when Noah died that everyone thought my monkey 'Nono' was special. Well now no one except for Sarah and my teachers think he's special now.  No one talks to me about it anymore and are forgetting he's my special monkey because I got it from Noah, and it's making me feel really sad'.

As soon as he said it, it hit me what is going on.  He's still feeling really sad about Noah passing away and at first everyone was talking to him about it, being extra kind to him at school and paying a lot of extra attention to him, and now that it's almost 6 weeks since Noah passed away that isn't happening as much.  To Harri having his friends not talking about 'Nono' or Noah anymore, means they aren't being kind to him, and he takes it that they are forgetting that he is still sad.

As I was talking to him about it in the car on the way to school I also got teary as it's exactly what's happening to all of us since it's been 6 weeks tomorrow, since Noah passed away.   There are always those very thoughtful  friends who are always aware of how hard it is, and ask all the time how you are, or continue to let you know they are thinking of you by sending you a message or text, give us a call, send an email or something in the mail, or drop in to visit.  They realise that it's not getting any easier, but is actually getting harder as time goes on. 

We've had lots of lovely cards and gifts delivered in the last couple of weeks as people held off on purpose, knowing things would quieten down for us and that meant so much.  But then you look at the majority of people getting back to their lives and it hurts.   It's of course normal and we aren't expecting everyone to stop their lives because of what has happened, but there is so much we have learnt from what we are experiencing at the moment.

It really hurts that some people don't say anything at all.  It hurts that some people who you feel like you know really well, just act like it hasn't even happened.  Other people that we have less to do with, and even 'strangers' have been so lovely in coming up to tell us they were sorry to hear about Noah, have even given me a hug or have just said 'I don't know what to say'.  Just saying those words mean so much.

It hurts that at first you get hundreds of people asking how you are and now just a few.  It hurts that at first hundreds of people were 'talking about' (FB lingo) Noah's memorial page on Facebook, and are commenting or 'liking' his photos and videos, but every day it gets less and less.  It hurts that there is less traffic on my blog as people have dropped off reading how we are, as the weeks have gone on.

I know it doesn't mean that people have stopped caring, but it hurts because you see people moving on and it makes you feel like they have forgotten Noah, and don't realise how much you are still hurting. Deep down I know people haven't forgotten, but it's just that for others it's easy to move on.   I know I've probably done the same in the past when other people have lost loved ones. You think about them a lot in the first month, but then you just forget how much they must be hurting and move on with your own life.

I guess Harri is upset because he feels that his friends are forgetting he is still sad and hurting, and that's how it is a bit for me too.  I don't want people to ever forget Noah. I don't want people to forget that we had this amazing son who changed our lives forever.  We will never stop hurting because we miss him so much.  We know we will be with him again and I guess that brings you comfort, but it doesn't make it at all easier. I want people to mention his name and talk about him, even if they are worried that I may cry. We love talking about him.  It was so nice yesterday at Harri's athletic carnival for two women to come up to me to say they were sorry to hear about Noah and actually ask me about his last week and what his last moments were like. 

I sometimes wonder if people think that because we have faith about being together with Noah again and where he is at the moment, that we are 'okay'. We are 'okay' in that I feel comfort in that I knew he was ready,  but unless you have ever lost a child, and especially a child that needs you to care for their every single need, every day of their life then, you will never know how much of a hole it leaves in your life.  I was talking about that last week with another Mum who has a child with special needs.  All of our boys are our life, but Noah controlled our life.  Whatever Noah was feeling, we all felt.  Whatever Noah wanted to do, we had to do it too.  If he were sick the whole family was affected. If he was happy the whole family was happy.

After school Harri got into the car and dropped something, and straight away he burst into tears and nothing I could say would stop him crying.  I then talked to him about how we are all feeling sad at the moment and some things just aren't that important to get so upset about (he is crying over absolutely everything at the moment - kind of like he is Kobe's age again).   He was listening and taking it all in, and then said 'but one thing IS really important to be sad about and that's about Noah'.

I told him that he was right and it is okay to be sad about Noah.  Sometimes it can be easy to just brush away how we are feeling by thinking 'it's okay, he's in a good place' or 'we will see him again' but it IS okay and totally normal to be sad.  Hopefully as time goes on for Harri and all of us, we will look back and see how far we've come from the way we are feeling right now, because right now it's hard to watch people move on, while things are getting harder as the weeks go on.