Friday, 18 November 2011

Moving On

Yesterday was a really happy day for Harri, yet this morning on the way to school there were a lot of tears again.  Earlier in the week Harri said to me one day after school 'you know how our life is really sad now because Noah died.  Well now I'm even sadder because my friends aren't being kind to me anymore'.

I asked him what he meant and he said that straight after Noah died all of his friends in his class were 'very kind' to him and now only his best friends were being kind.  He told me of a few things they had done which was nothing major, but obviously it was upsetting him so I went and had a chat to his teacher about it. The next day she told me that she kept an eye on him all day and he was quite happy and then went off in the corner and had a bit of a cry and again said his friends weren't being kind to him.  She said that she had been watching what was going on and it wasn't that at all, and he was obviously just feeling sad.

This morning on the way to school he started crying and said 'you know how when Noah died that everyone thought my monkey 'Nono' was special. Well now no one except for Sarah and my teachers think he's special now.  No one talks to me about it anymore and are forgetting he's my special monkey because I got it from Noah, and it's making me feel really sad'.

As soon as he said it, it hit me what is going on.  He's still feeling really sad about Noah passing away and at first everyone was talking to him about it, being extra kind to him at school and paying a lot of extra attention to him, and now that it's almost 6 weeks since Noah passed away that isn't happening as much.  To Harri having his friends not talking about 'Nono' or Noah anymore, means they aren't being kind to him, and he takes it that they are forgetting that he is still sad.

As I was talking to him about it in the car on the way to school I also got teary as it's exactly what's happening to all of us since it's been 6 weeks tomorrow, since Noah passed away.   There are always those very thoughtful  friends who are always aware of how hard it is, and ask all the time how you are, or continue to let you know they are thinking of you by sending you a message or text, give us a call, send an email or something in the mail, or drop in to visit.  They realise that it's not getting any easier, but is actually getting harder as time goes on. 

We've had lots of lovely cards and gifts delivered in the last couple of weeks as people held off on purpose, knowing things would quieten down for us and that meant so much.  But then you look at the majority of people getting back to their lives and it hurts.   It's of course normal and we aren't expecting everyone to stop their lives because of what has happened, but there is so much we have learnt from what we are experiencing at the moment.

It really hurts that some people don't say anything at all.  It hurts that some people who you feel like you know really well, just act like it hasn't even happened.  Other people that we have less to do with, and even 'strangers' have been so lovely in coming up to tell us they were sorry to hear about Noah, have even given me a hug or have just said 'I don't know what to say'.  Just saying those words mean so much.

It hurts that at first you get hundreds of people asking how you are and now just a few.  It hurts that at first hundreds of people were 'talking about' (FB lingo) Noah's memorial page on Facebook, and are commenting or 'liking' his photos and videos, but every day it gets less and less.  It hurts that there is less traffic on my blog as people have dropped off reading how we are, as the weeks have gone on.

I know it doesn't mean that people have stopped caring, but it hurts because you see people moving on and it makes you feel like they have forgotten Noah, and don't realise how much you are still hurting. Deep down I know people haven't forgotten, but it's just that for others it's easy to move on.   I know I've probably done the same in the past when other people have lost loved ones. You think about them a lot in the first month, but then you just forget how much they must be hurting and move on with your own life.

I guess Harri is upset because he feels that his friends are forgetting he is still sad and hurting, and that's how it is a bit for me too.  I don't want people to ever forget Noah. I don't want people to forget that we had this amazing son who changed our lives forever.  We will never stop hurting because we miss him so much.  We know we will be with him again and I guess that brings you comfort, but it doesn't make it at all easier. I want people to mention his name and talk about him, even if they are worried that I may cry. We love talking about him.  It was so nice yesterday at Harri's athletic carnival for two women to come up to me to say they were sorry to hear about Noah and actually ask me about his last week and what his last moments were like. 

I sometimes wonder if people think that because we have faith about being together with Noah again and where he is at the moment, that we are 'okay'. We are 'okay' in that I feel comfort in that I knew he was ready,  but unless you have ever lost a child, and especially a child that needs you to care for their every single need, every day of their life then, you will never know how much of a hole it leaves in your life.  I was talking about that last week with another Mum who has a child with special needs.  All of our boys are our life, but Noah controlled our life.  Whatever Noah was feeling, we all felt.  Whatever Noah wanted to do, we had to do it too.  If he were sick the whole family was affected. If he was happy the whole family was happy.

After school Harri got into the car and dropped something, and straight away he burst into tears and nothing I could say would stop him crying.  I then talked to him about how we are all feeling sad at the moment and some things just aren't that important to get so upset about (he is crying over absolutely everything at the moment - kind of like he is Kobe's age again).   He was listening and taking it all in, and then said 'but one thing IS really important to be sad about and that's about Noah'.

I told him that he was right and it is okay to be sad about Noah.  Sometimes it can be easy to just brush away how we are feeling by thinking 'it's okay, he's in a good place' or 'we will see him again' but it IS okay and totally normal to be sad.  Hopefully as time goes on for Harri and all of us, we will look back and see how far we've come from the way we are feeling right now, because right now it's hard to watch people move on, while things are getting harder as the weeks go on.


  1. I have been thinking about you and this very thing just recently. I have been reading an interesting book 'Mourning with those who mourn' which is a compilation of experiences and perspectives on grieving all from LDS families, couples and individuals. It is a very emotional and spiritual read. You have been in my thoughts and prayers constantly and I want you to know that there is no way Noah could ever be forgotten. He made too much of an impact on everyone who knew him and your family. Yes, life does go on and that's hard because so much has changed for you and you have some huge adjustments to make in your life but I'm sure you know that whilst it's hard to see everyone around you acting like nothing ever happened, there are many friends and family who love and care for you and are thinking of you and praying for you and your family. We do still care and love you xxx

  2. I have no idea who the heck POSS is or why my comment has been attributed to them!!! Must be Gremlins on the loose in blog world!


  3. Lisa, Aaron and family - I check in every day into your Blog to see how you are going. You are in my thoughts and prayers - I've Put your names on the Prayer Rolls again. Can only say "Love you" and give you a hug next time I see you.


  4. Harri's face in that photo just breaks my heart.
    A lot of people don't know how to cope with the grief of their friends and loved ones and don't like to talk about death in case it makes those grieving sadder when in truth, nothing can make you sadder, but them acknowledging your grief can actually help you. I can't even begin to imagine your pain.

  5. So sad that Harri is feeling like noone cares at such a young age. And harder still for you guys that this world keeps rolling on, when yours has almost stopped. always in our prayers Lisa - love you guys x

  6. I often think of people who have lost someone they love and I often think other peoples lives go on and those people that are still sad maybe wish time would stand still for them long enough for the pain to go away. I look forward to your fb updates . I think of you all everyday and your lovely boys and think how strong you all are. You are a very strong person and you have your faith and for people like me as much as we love looking at your updates it makes me sad that you wonderful people had to go through that. Keep posting as I lwill be looking for you to do so. Xx Don

  7. Hey Lisa,
    You have documented Noah's life so well that I feel I know a part of him. When I look at his eyes dancing, his smile and love for you all in the videos and the love you show one another I don't think you can ever forget him.
    I haven't seen you in 10 years, yet I see you as the Lisa I remember at school. The Lisa who was always laughing at something, the Lisa who was kind to everyone. I feel like I am invading your grown up life but I want to read and I do read because I love your story of your family life- the good, sad and crazy dancing!

    I cannot even comprehend the pain you are feeling right now, but it effects me and I hug my boys a little extra everyday. I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this but you are so open and loving and your strength is larger than your feelings at times.
    Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and I am sure hundreds of others that read you blog and never comment.
    From your very old High school friend and part time blogger Camilla x

  8. I STILL, so so so many years on, have Daddy moments where I just want to nestle into his bristly beard and smell the scent of sweet fresh cut grass on his clothes.

    These are the moments I cherish now, because I am reminded of how safe and happy he made me feel.

    Its so hard for little people. My heart really does go out to all you guys.

    Love x

  9. It is 3 years since my parents passed. Knowing I Will be with them again helps. But just today, Sam and I were tending to some chooks needs. After Sam left I had a weep and have felt bad most of the afternoon feeling sad. as it was something I had done with my dad. You always have times like this. It is just no one else knows. Hope it gets easier for Harrri I feel for him and wish I could help Jenni K

  10. breaks my heart what Harri is feeling. Think about ya all the time Lisa. Love ya heaps x

  11. When I read everything that you express, it strikes me that this is probably how a lot of people feel when losing someone that they love so much. I also think that lots of people probably read the blog, but don't make a comment. As I have read your blog I keep thinking how hard it must be for your family not having Noah around, and in some ways how empty you must feel. I love your honesty.

  12. I wish I could make everything all better. xx

  13. It is so hard when the world moves on as if nothing has happened and your pain hasn't lessened, but rather increased. It seems to be a societal norm that there is a certain time frame for when you can be comforted or talk about your loved one. Sadly there is no time frame in grief and you will forever want to talk about Noah and have him remembered as part of your family.

    It is 13 years next month since our daughter died and I can honestly say while day to day life becomes easier the pain doesn't change. We also had people who didn't say anything and 'friends' who we saw cross the street rather than talk to us.

    Within my grief journey I have found courage to just speak about her and not wait for others. I have learnt that while sometimes it causes the other person immediate discomfort if you let them know you're ok talking about your child they relax and talk. I explain often that they don't make us cry, if we have tears they were already there but in speaking about her they have helped release them. There is a beautiful quote "The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, But it never fails to bring music to my ears...", I printed this nicely and had it framed and it hung in our house for the first few years, just to let others know we want to hear you talk about her.

    My heart breaks for Harri, they say that adults who are grieving have a mental age of 8 in the beginning. The brain has so much to process add to that Harri is already young and I think it would be normal for Harri to regress a little. Our son was 4 and he regressed for a few months.

    I wish you all peace and understanding as you continue this rollercoaster ride of grief.

  14. I often think time moves differently for those grieving. Those that are closest to Noah (your and your family in particular) will grieve a lot harder and longer than those who are not. And that is understandable. But you are right when kids do not understand that it takes time to look back at the joy Noah bought to your lives without sad tears.

    It's hard I guess for us on the periphery of Noah's life to understand and accept that grief moves at different speeds.

    I have a lot of admiration for the strength and courage you all had through Noah's life and passing. I admire the way you concentrated on the good things and concentrating on the days one at a time.

    I am grateful for your blog as it has taught me many things and has helped me to understand so much.

    With much love


  15. Lisa,

    You are never far from my thoughts. Death is not something people want to talk about, the death of a child is even worse. How taboo, you just don't want to go there but every parent which as lost a child and every child which has lost a sibling wants to talk about it. You want to talk and talk and talk to make sure the memories never fade not just for you but so that you can make sure that everyone else also remembers. It pains you to have to remind people that it has only been six weeks, six very short weeks which has turned your life into a spin and you will never get that life back again.

    You then get to 3 months and 6 months and every month after and every year after and find yourself still longing to hold your child or your brother in your arms. Wondering what life would be like if they where still here. Each celebration in life is mixed with 'If only they could be here too'.

  16. I care Lisa, and Noah is constantly in my heart.
    I can't bear to see you all so sad, and if I could take away the pain, I would not hesitate to do so.
    I wish I could take you on my lap, and comfort you when you were a little girl.
    You were the same age as Harri when Daniel died, so I know how Harri is feeling as you went through the same emotions and feelings as well.
    You also said that your friends didn't like you, and you would want to take all your dolls to school with you, and it just broke my heart.
    I know that you need to talk about him, and it hurts that the world 'goes on'
    I couldn't believe that even the birds could sing!!
    To lose a child is the hardest thing to bear, bar none.
    We are told to bear each others burdens and mourn with those who mourn, and as sad as you are now, you will all grow from this, and you will know how to give comfort to other people.
    Again, Noah is always in my heart, and you and Aaron, Jae, Harri and Kobe.
    I cradle your tender hearts in mine every day, and every minute.
    Love Mum.

  17. aw, im sorry harri has been feeling like that, it must be so hard for him to understand. thinking of you guys x

  18. Breaks my heart to see Harri so sad. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers. Noah will never be forgotten. Sending hugs and love.

  19. It's hard to see Harri so sad and hard sometimes to read your blog (but I do!) because moving on and making a life without Noah is hard and not something you want to do. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers often. Thanks for sharing how you are feeling. Love, Penny xx

  20. i don't know who you guys are, but i check in and read this blog everyday. i feel for you and your significant loss. you will always be in my thoughts and my heart. hang in there!

  21. Noah will NEVER be forgotten - it would be IMPOSSIBLE to forget him!

    Harri's face just breaks my heart - so much sadness for such a little person.

    Thinking of you always.

  22. I thankyou for sharing Noah with us all that never knew him in person.

    Every morning before I even have my morning coffee I go on facebook to see your new photo's of NOAH.

    I have had many tears and lots of smile's reading your blog's right back to the very first one.

    My thought's are with you all xxxx

  23. It breaks my heart to see you all so sad.. I think about Noah all the time. It is awful when others 'move on'. Love you guys xxx

  24. I've never seen so many comments on your blog before. It must be because so many people care xx I think about you ALL the time. If you knew how much you and your family were on my mind and in my prayers, you would think I was a stalker. Love you guys, hope you continue to feel loved in little ways for forever...


We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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