Sunday, 30 December 2012

Dear Aaron/2012

Hi Honey - do you remember on NYE last year how we sat on the riverbank and talked about 2011 being the hardest year of our lives?  Remember how we talked about how 2012 was going to be much better?  Well I'm sure you know that 2011 was definitely not the hardest year of my life.  2011 was hard, but it was nothing compared to 2012.  

I sometimes feel you really close by and know you are near, but other times I don't feel you around at all and that scares me. I wish I could feel you close by all the time.  I wish I knew what you were seeing and thinking and feeling.  I have so many questions that I wish I could just ask you.

Did you have a choice whether to stay or go?  Did you hear me yelling at you that I needed you?  Did you consider staying or was the choice taken out of your hands?

Did you miss Noah so much that you had to be with him?

Did you know that your time on Earth was coming to and end?  Is that why you were saying and doing so many things on the days before you died?  Do you miss us as much as we miss you?

Do you see us all the time and know what we are doing and feeling? 

Do you know that I visit your grave almost every day and have gotten to know a couple of older men who visit their wives at the cemetery every day as well?  Do you see us talking?  Do you see how unfair it is that I have to visit my husband's grave when I'm only 38?  I should be like them and be a lot older when I'm visiting your grave.

Do you see me sitting at your grave, hearing the school bell go off at KMHS?  I still can't believe that your body is in the ground, rather than racing around at school. 

Are you with Noah all the time? What does he look like now? What is he doing? What do you talk about? Does he talk about us? Does he miss us?  Does he know how much we miss him too?

So much has happened this year and I wonder how much of it you have seen?  I can't stop thinking about things that have happened this year that you weren't here for.  I wonder whether things that used to be important to you, are still as important now?

Did you know that Hawthorn got in the AFL grand final this year!?  Did you see that we put all our Hawks gear on just for you and cheered like crazy people!?   Did you see Harri and Kobe crying when they lost? Did you care that they lost or is football not as important to you in Heaven?

Have you seen that Jay has been very sick, but is trying hard? Did you know that he was so sick that he had to drop out of drama?

Do you see how much happier Jay has been over the last couple of months, and how well he is doing with his YouTube channel? Do you see how happy it makes him to know that people watch his videos?

Do you know that Harri still sleeps in our bed every night and says he's not going to sleep in his own room because I 'will miss him'. Do you see that he cries a lot more in the last few months and is missing you so much?

Did you see that Harri started doing drama this year and although he was very nervous to start with, he did an awesome job at being a pirate in their end of year production

Have you seen that I've been trying to get through the year by having things to look forward to? Did you see that we still went on our holiday to Queensland without you?  Did you see how much fun we had but how much we wished you were with us? Did you see how brave I was!? Were you proud of me when I went on the Superman Escape!?

Do you see how sad Kobe is and how much he is missing you? Do you see how stressed I get with him and how I wish I could just fix things for all the boys? Do you see how agro he is and how he sits in time out and screams at me all the time?  Have you seen him play with the playdough and make you lying in your grave?

Do you know that I am now working part time at Noah's school?  Do you see how much I love it?  Do you see the beautiful kids that I work with? Do you see how much they make me smile? Do you see how good it is for me to have a routine and something to get out of bed for?  Do you think I should teach again soon?

Do you still love music and sport as much as you used to?  It's strange to me to know that you weren't here when 1D started or Gangham Style went viral.   Did you know that Motley Crue and Kiss are touring Australia together next year?  I keep imagining you saying 'I'm not missing this one!'.

Were you sad that you missed the Olympics?

Have you seen that I've been taking Jay to movies that you promised to take him to?  Do you know how hard it is for the boys when they wish they could do something with you, instead of having to do it with me?

Have you seen how kind and generous people have been to us?  Have you see how hundred of people and one in particular has changed our lives?

Have you seen how your beautiful and kind cousins helped to get our yard finished?  Did you see the beautiful landscapers who came and not only finished it off for us, but made it so beautiful?

Did you see the beautiful photos that we had taken, and how much I wished that the whole family was in those photos?

Have you seen that our house is finally finished being built, but how much I hate being here without you? Do you see how empty the house feels without you and Noah in it, and how we want to be anywhere but home?

Did you see the lovely kids and teachers from KMHS come and build us another cubby house for the boys?

Have you seen how many times I have visited KMHS and how sad I feel when I'm there, but how happy that I can still go along and hear how much they love and miss you?

 Did you watch your school footy team win the premiership this year, and then travel to Melbourne?!  Did you see them all standing around your grave singing you the school song?  

Have you seen what great friends we have, and how they have helped me get through this year and we've actually had a lot of laughs together, despite the sadness that we feel without you and Noah.
Does Noah see his beautiful memorial garden at school growing

Do you know that I write every week for TOFW and how much it helps me to reflect on what has happened and to count my blessings at the same time?

Do you see all the beautiful messages, comments and emails I get from strangers from all around the world, who let us know that they care for us, even though they don't know us?

Do you know that it's harder for me now than it's been in the past year?  Do you see that I'm struggling every day to keep going now that we don't have a routine that gets us up and out of bed by a certain time?  Do you know how hard school holidays are without you?  Do you know that I try to keep so busy that I don't have to think about the reality of what my life is like at the moment?

Do you see that the boys and I are always out doing things, but the whole time I'm doing it my heart just feels empty? 

Do you know how hard it is to even know who I'm grieving for each day?  I should be sad along with you because Noah died.   I shouldn't have to think about both of you being gone.  It's impossible to grieve for you both at the same time.  It's not fair that I should have to grieve for both of you at the same time.  Please tell Noah I'm sorry that most of the time I'm thinking about you instead of him, when I should just be grieving for my beautiful boy that brought be ten years of blessings.

Do you know how sad and lonely I am, especially at night when the boys are all in bed?

Do you know how much I miss your snoring at night?

Do you know that I sometimes wish that the boys and I could just all be in some kind of accident together, so that we all die together and can be together with you and Noah again?  I know how awful that sounds and I'm not suicidal at all, but if something did happen where we ended up going together I would be so happy because it would mean that I wouldn't have to live without you and Noah anymore.  I just wish the rest of my family and friends could also join us, so that they wouldn't be sad because I wouldn't wish what we are going through upon anyone else.

Do you hear all the questions and comments from people asking if I will ever remarry?  Do you know how ridiculous that even sounds to me!?  I'm sad and lonely, but not for anyone else ever.  How could I ever love someone like I love you?  I can't even say 'loved' you, because I still love you. I love you even more now than I did when you were here. 

I wish you could answer all my questions. I wish I could just talk to you for a little while.  I wish I could see you and feel you and touch you. I wish I could tell you how proud I am of you. I have heard so many beautiful stories since you passed away about how you changed people's lives.  You made people happy every day.  You helped people to believe in themselves.  

I hope you are proud of us, because it's so hard every day, but I try to look at the blessings that we have in our lives and we have many, and I just try to do what I think you would want me to do.

It's hard to believe that it's almost a year since you passed away and as much as I want the year behind me, I'm also dreading going into 2013 because it'll be the first year that you haven't been alive in, and the second year without Noah.   I feel like it means we are moving further away from you and Noah.

Please stay close by and let us know that you are still with us.  I know that when I'm tired and busy and stressed I don't feel you around as much.

Do you remember this photo we took on New Years Eve last year?  I remember Jay laughing at you saying that you love it when he takes photos of us together, because I would let you kiss me more than normal, so you would always want him to take more photos.

I love you so much. I love Noah so much. I miss you both more than I can explain and just wish you were here.  Life will never ever be the same again, ever but I hope that as time goes on my heart won't feel as empty as it does right now. 



  1. I am in tears so much just reading the first couple of sentences. It really makes me think. I miss mr king so so much and I cant even begin to imagine how hard it is and how much you and the boys miss him. He always stood out for me and I am so grateful I got to have him teach me and be a great friend.
    Love Jess Tyrrell,
    Or squirrell as he used to call me <3

  2. Funny how I don't even know you personally but through you blog I have come to know you. Reading this post made me cry ..... it is beautiful and sad and real and so honest ... thank you for sharing Lisa, your words are amazing. I think you are an amazing person.

  3. Lisa, you are such a brave woman. Thank you for sharing such honesty in your posts. I couldn't help but to cry for your heartache. I wish you joy, and that the years between now and when you are reunited with Aaron and Noah can be fulfilling even as you continue missing them. Xo

  4. This was very hard to read since I was trying to hold back tears the whole time. I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband Aaron and your son Noah.

  5. I'm so so sorry for your pain, Lisa... you're often in my thoughts and prayers... wish I could give you a hug, and help you, but I wish for so much more than that for you too...

    Blessing & love XO

  6. That was just the saddest thing I have ever read and it broke my heart but at the same time you had such a great love and were fortunate to have found it.It was a great blessing and gift. I wish I had a love like that. I never did. I'm sorry you feel so alone but you were lucky to have loved like that.You will always carry it in your heart.I am praying for you.

  7. Oh Lisa! I, too, don't know you personally but this post just ripped at my heart and my guts. So terribly sad and frustrating. There is probably nobody on this earth that has the same life circumstances as you (for this I am glad!). I just wanted you to know that I am soooo sorry for you (and your sweet boys) having to suffer so much. "They" say that life's not fair - but neither is death. Hang in there, Woman!!

  8. Oh this just breaks my heart. I hope you know that you are and have been in my prayers since I found out about you and your boys. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and emotions...I am sure it's not easy. Lifting you and your boys up in prayer and hugs from Nebraska...USA

  9. We love you....wish we could take away the pain :(

  10. It makes me sad when I read all your grief and pain.
    I can only send my love to you...

  11. your strength and courage to write about the love of your life is an inspiration to us all...NO ONE can KNOW how it feels for YOU and the boys Lisa ...i hope that you know that we LOVE you and the boys very much...XXXX

  12. I wish they were here for you Lisa. Love you xxx

  13. I am so sorry you have to be sad and lonely. Such strong love demands strong grief. May you find comfort in something small today.

  14. I know I've been absent from the blogging world lately but that doesn't mean that I don't think about you everyday. Your pictures and cards are on my kitchen cabinets and they make me smile but they also make me ache for you. I love you dear Lisa. You are brave and so strong. xoxo

  15. So many tears!! You are such a strong person Lisa, and so are the boys. I wish I could give you all a big hug right now. Xx

  16. Your love for Aaron is so beautiful. Your beautiful eternal family is such a lovely manifestation of what a special couple you are. I wish your questions had answers. I hope the next year brings a small (or large! :)) measure of peace and I hope that you feel the many prayers offered in your behalf. Best wishes for the new year and lots of love from Arizona! :)

  17. Lisa, your posts are always beautiful, but this one really struck my heart strings. I can't even begin to imagine all that you have felt, are feeling and living with each day. Even though we are complete strangers, I wish I could reach out and just give you a hug and get to know you. I think you are amazing and that's from may miles away! Here's to a much better year and keep up the great blogging and fun memories you have of those you love. They hear you and are with you. I wish the best of everything and hope you and the boys have very happy moments this year. Thank you for sharing and being genuine and a loving person!

  18. You have asked the exact same questions that go through my mind all the time..
    I wish you had the answers.
    I know it has been almost year since Aaron left you, but I figure you are one year closer to being reunited with him and Noah.
    My heart aches for you and the boys.
    I know how lonely you are without Aaron, and I wish I could 'fix' it for you honey.
    I know without a doubt that Aaron would be so proud of how you coping and taking care of the boys and their many needs, and their ups and downs.
    I am so proud of you and love you so much.
    All my love.

  19. Your writing is so, so beautiful. I don't know you personally, but I pray for your family often. Someone once told me that life is like the back side of a tapestry. The strings are all knotted together, it looks jumbled and disorganized, and sometimes downright ugly. Looking at life on "this side" often doesn't make sense. But on the other side of the tapestry is a beautiful, perfect design. You may not see it for awhile, but one day you'll see how all of this sorrow and grief can be woven together into something beautiful in Heaven. That's what the Heavenly Father can do, and one day his perfect plan will be revealed. Love to you all.,,

    1. oh I love this so much. Thanks for sharing it with me.

  20. Just read this touching post with my husband. I cried through the whole thing. Thank you for your example of bravery and endurance, and for reminding us to love each other fully each day, never taking one moment for granted. I am praying for your family everyday. I know that Heavenly Father loves you and will be there to help you through the hard times. Thank you for this beautiful post!

  21. I sobbed reading this. I'm sad but amazed at how you have made it through the year. My best friend had a tough year too...I was praying and aching for her in the temple and heard Heavenly Father say (in my mind): "She's in my hands." I felt so relieved and then had to trust in Him to take good care of her. Which He did. I know you are "in His hands," and that He will help you make it back to Aaron's arms.
    Love, from Nancy in Nevada

  22. This is the most heartfelt, heart wrenching thing I have ever read. I am a complete stranger to you but your story, your loss has touched me deeply. I cry for you, I laugh with you, I cheer you on from a world away.
    This post has me crying with you. I, too, wish that something could be done to bring your boys back to you, to ease your pain, to lessen your hurt. I hate that anyone has to go through this.
    I hope that 2013 isn't as difficult as you are anticipating. You have a wonderful support system, lean on them as much as you need, I am sure they would be more than willing to help carry some of your burdens.

    I am so proud of how well you've done this past year, you are an amazing mother!
    My thoughts are on your family often. Many hugs from West Virginia, USA.

  23. I'm so glad you wrote this. He read it, he knows your heart. I'm confident that is a blessing eternal companions receive - to always be aware of each other and knowing their heart. Press on, press forward. Have faith in the plan He has for you and the blessings that will come from enduring it well. You have already endured it so very well, press forward and keep on. Love and comfort to you and the boys...

  24. Dear Lisa-
    Thank you for allowing me to read this. I just have fallen in love with your family through your blog. I don't recall how I even came to find it. Tonight we will pray for you. What an amazing person you are. How I am sure your husband and son are cheering you on.


We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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