Thursday, 8 March 2012

6 weeks/5 months

This morning I woke up and didn't realise what the day was for about an hour. It then hit me that it is Thursday the 8th -  5 months since Noah passed away and 6 weeks since Aaron passed away.  

Dates and days don't usually worry me. I don't get more upset than any other day just because it's another week since Aaron passed away, or another month since Noah passed, but because the day and the date was significant, it was on my mind all day.

Often people say that it's harder around the six week mark, because around then it seems like people have moved on, but own your grief is getting harder and harder.  This was definitely the case after Noah passed away, but it's a lot different this time.

This time it's so different.  My grief for Aaron is so mixed in with my grief for Noah, as it was still so fresh when Aaron passed.  I can't get my head around grieving separately for the both of them.  My thoughts are consumed all day, every day of Aaron and the grief I was feeling for Noah seems to have just gone for a while, because it's just too much to deal to get my head and heart around.

The fog that I felt after Noah had passed away, isn't the same after Aaron passing.   In some ways it's better, but then it doesn't make sense to me, because I feel like it should be doubled.  Maybe it will be in the days, months and years to come, but for right now I feel like having Noah pass away first, has helped me deal with Aaron passing away.

It's never easy. I'm feeling strong, but I'm exhausted. I'm okay, but so, so sad. 

I try to just get through a day at a time, but I can't help but think about the future and how I'm going to live without Noah AND Aaron. 

Living without Noah was one thing. I could see how he needed to go.   But living without Aaron - I can't even get my head around it. 

It's hard to understand why he had to go right now.

It's hard to understand why he had to go at all

Today I was grateful to have the whole day to myself.  This morning I went out to Aaron's garden that he planted for Noah and smiled when I saw how beautiful the roses are looking.

I picked a few of them to take up to the cemetery,  and was disappointed that Aaron's grave still didn't have a vase put in, so I just put one on top of his grave with a little Hawks flag that was floating around at home.  

It's still strange know that this is actually the place where Aaron's body is. 

I like sitting at Noah's gave more than at Aaron's, but I am so torn when I'm at each one as I want to be with the both of them.  I usually go to Aaron's first, then to Noah's and back to Aaron's before I leave.

I left the roses from Noah's garden at Noah's grave and then before I left the cemetery, I went and ordered his headstone.  It's going to take a couple of months to come, and I'm looking forward to finally getting it and both plaques made (as much as you can look forward to getting something like that).

I would've never imagined six months ago that this is what my life would be like - ordering headstones and visiting graves. 


  1. I can't imagine either. You rock girl xxx

  2. i dont know what to say , but i want to say something, i just dont know what it is....just how do you cope? i have no idea....if i was there and i knew you i would just hug you and cry...i send you love and strength, thats all i can say...x

  3. I can't imagine what it would be like either, having to grieve for 2 such important people in your life .... those Roses are just so beautiful .... and such a wonderful thing to have to remember them both by. Sending you love and strength.

  4. It's ok not to be ok. X

  5. I know how much I miss them and think about them all day long, crying often... so to know that it must be multiplied infinitely for you, I don't know how you're still standing, but you continue to impress everyone with your incredible strength and fortitude. When Noah passed away, I thought I'd seen the depth of your grace and courage, but that was just the tip of the iceberg.

    Remember: "the sun will come out eventually, it is trying, then everything will be ok." Wise guy, that husband of yours.

    Love you so much.

  6. Charmaine Campbell8 March 2012 at 21:22

    None of us can imagine what you are going through, but you seem like a strong woman. Your story had touched my heart and I hope your sorrow is eased knowing that so many people care about you and your boys. XOXOXO

  7. Aaron's roses are stunning. If Nan was here she'd have a hobble around the garden and smell them. She would be so proud. (She's probably already had a peek knowing nosy Nan and raved to Aaron about them!)

  8. I can't imagine the pain that you go through on a daily basis. You are an inspiration to me and I look forward to reading your new posts. You give me motivation when I feel like I can't live without my son anymore. Thank you for that.

    Praying for you always!

  9. I just want to say that no one can truly understand your situation, but we can all just hope and pray for you that the funny memories and good times together will pull you through this. Those flowers are beautiful...keep blogging and sharing. Your story is one to be told and you do it so very well. Good luck and I think of you each day, even though we are complete strangers. Hang tough and know you are thought of around the world.

  10. I"t's never easy. I'm feeling strong, but I'm exhausted. I'm okay, but so, so sad."

    That's exactly what it feels like. Your strength makes an impression on so many people. Just keep going. One thing at a time.
    Sending love from Utah!
    Oh, Just Livin' the Dream

  11. I know I'm a stranger on the other side of the world, but you are in my thoughts daily. You are doing amazingly.

    The flowers are gorgeous. I'm sure Noah and Aaron are looking down and loving them.

  12. ((Hugs)) from Utah. Sometimes words just aren't enough....but you are thought of loved, and prayed for by a sister on the other side of the world.

  13. I am amazed not only by your perseverance but also by your ability to share your feelings and faith with all of us. You are in my heart, and I pray for you to find peace and strength and joy; I also pray in gratitude for your honesty and example.

    "I try to just get through a day at a time, but I can't help but think about the future..."

    Thank you, from one grieving mom to another.

  14. A very, very wise woman (aka your mum!) gave me a wonderful piece of advice this week that has helped her get through some of her darkest days. Even though it might seem impossible right now to break the obsessive cycle of thoughts whirling constantly around in your head, there is a way to give yourself a short holiday from them. Lose yourself in the service of others. She suggested doing something for someone else that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO (that's the key). It only has to be one little thing. Nothing major, nothing exhausting, nothing expensive. If you can do it, you will break the thought cycle for long enough to give your mind a well deserved rest. Even a few minutes of rest and peace from the grief may help. It's worth a try. I think psychologists call it diversional therapy. If there's any advice I could give you at all that might help, it would be to draw on your mum's wealth of knowledge. After all she has been through, she is still here and there's a very good reason for that.
    Love you,
    Fiona. xxx

  15. Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. You write with such clarity and poise. Hugs from Tennessee.

  16. you've got a whole women's bible study in kentucky praying for you every day.

  17. I'm so sorry for your losses. I really am so sorry you are having to bear the pain of losing them both. ((( hugs)))

  18. I can not even begin to imagine how surreal it all must be.

    Still praying for all of you.


  19. you have so much strength, more than you can imagine. Your family continues to be in my prayers. As you've reached the 5 month mark for Noah, I am right behind you for my 5 month for my daughter...I really miss her a lot right now but that is because she would have had her 15th birthday in a couple of weeks. Those firsts aren't easy. You said that you felt that Noah's passing helped you with Aaron's passing...I can relate as my dad passed away just 10 months before my daughter. I felt the same way, my dad paved the way for me to come to terms with her death. I could never even begin to imagine how you feel with what you've gone thru-your strength helps me and I appreciate your honesty on your blog. Aaron and Noah are with you always.

  20. I'm always so sad for your lonliness Lisa, but I'm equally in awe of your strength (although you probably feel like goop inside) One thing I know for sure, Aaron and Noah are so, so proud of you and love you more than words could ever express. I really want to be a witness at the heavenly reunion :) xoxoxox


We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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