This morning I woke up and didn't realise what the day was for about an hour. It then hit me that it is Thursday the 8th - 5 months since Noah passed away and 6 weeks since Aaron passed away.
Dates and days don't usually worry me. I don't get more upset than any other day just because it's another week since Aaron passed away, or another month since Noah passed, but because the day and the date was significant, it was on my mind all day.
Often people say that it's harder around the six week mark, because around then it seems like people have moved on, but own your grief is getting harder and harder. This was definitely the case after Noah passed away, but it's a lot different this time.
This time it's so different. My grief for Aaron is so mixed in with my grief for Noah, as it was still so fresh when Aaron passed. I can't get my head around grieving separately for the both of them. My thoughts are consumed all day, every day of Aaron and the grief I was feeling for Noah seems to have just gone for a while, because it's just too much to deal to get my head and heart around.
The fog that I felt after Noah had passed away, isn't the same after Aaron passing. In some ways it's better, but then it doesn't make sense to me, because I feel like it should be doubled. Maybe it will be in the days, months and years to come, but for right now I feel like having Noah pass away first, has helped me deal with Aaron passing away.
It's never easy. I'm feeling strong, but I'm exhausted. I'm okay, but so, so sad.
I try to just get through a day at a time, but I can't help but think about the future and how I'm going to live without Noah AND Aaron.
Living without Noah was one thing. I could see how he needed to go. But living without Aaron - I can't even get my head around it.
It's hard to understand why he had to go right now.
It's hard to understand why he had to go at all.
Today I was grateful to have the whole day to myself. This morning I went out to Aaron's garden that he planted for Noah and smiled when I saw how beautiful the roses are looking.