Friday, 31 May 2013

All Over Me

I don't like posting a lot about our grief - not because I'm trying to deny it, because you can't, as we feel it every day.  Sometimes the only way to cope and get through another day is to focus on the blessings that we have, so instead of saying every day 'this sucks' or 'this is hard', I try to look at the good things that we still have in our life.    It doesn't mean it doesn't suck and isn't hard, but I choose to not focus on that every minute of every day, because it could so easily take over my thoughts if I let it.

We do have many happy moments and we often have smiles on our faces, so it can be hard to explain to people how hard things still are even though we are 'looking good'.  I often run into people that I haven't seen for a while and they usually say 'you are looking really good' like they are surprised by it.  I was talking to someone the other day about it and said that it's so hard because although I may 'look good' I feel far from it.  There are days that are 'good' and days that are 'okay' but there are also many, many sad days.

Unfortunately the only way to 'heal' is to go through the stages of grief.  Luckily the stages come at different times and not all at once, or there is no way that I could cope.  Grief is exhausting and sometimes you feel like you get a little 'break' from it such as when we go on special holidays, or have extra special things happen, and sometimes every day life is okay, but I have found that you can only have a certain amount of 'good' or 'okay' days before you feel really low again.  

The reality of  my life often hits me at times when I'm least expecting it and I'm overwhelmed by grief and wonder if I will ever feel 'normal' ever again.  Normal meaning back to the old me.   I admit I was never really 'normal' ;)

The old me meaning the person that I was before Noah died.  The me who loved my life of being a stay at home Mum to four beautiful  boys on earth.   The me who was married to my best friend and spoke to him every day on the phone while he was at work, and couldn't wait for him to walk in the door after work to tell me about his day.

I know Noah and Aaron are supposed to be in an awesome place right now and I do believe that, but to put it nicely I don't want them there. It's not fair that they are there.  It sucks that they are there.  I often think about how Aaron got to good end of the deal. 

I'm sick of feeling like I'm drowning in fog.    I wonder if there will ever be a day when I go about my day without thinking 'Aaron and Noah died'. I wonder if I'll ever truly be able to laugh again properly, without feeling like my heart is really broken.

There can be weeks at at time when I feel 'good' and life is running along okay and I feel like I'm on top of everything.  I exercise a little bit, I make sure I'm eating well, I have the energy to deal with the housework and running the boys around and cooking them decent meals, and helping them with their own grief, and I look forward to things.

But then there are many days when I can't cope with anything.  The house is a mess, I'm eating crap, I have no energy to do anything, especially not exercise, my body is a mess, I don't want to leave the house and the boys are a mess, because I am too.

Some days it just takes all my energy to get out of bed, but I do it because I know that's what Aaron and Noah would want and I do it for my boys. 

I've been doing a bit of work in the library at school and one day I came across a book called 'The Sad Book'.  It perfectly described what grief is like. 
Right now I'm feeling like sad is very big, everywhere and all over me. That high that we were on just a couple of weeks ago has definitely gone.
I  know it'll pass and I will have 'okay' and 'good' days again. I just hope that the fog starts to lift very soon.


  1. I have no words.
    Only love and admiration for you and the boys.
    I wish I could take the sad away from you all.
    I wish I could bring Aaron and Noah back for you.

  2. I hope the fog lifts sooner than later. Much love to you and your growing (too fast!) boys. :)

  3. Grief is such a personal journey and there is the roller coaster .... some days are up and some are down. Prayers and thoughts go out to you Lisa, that just for this one day you will get through the grief. xoxo p.s. I have seen something in your blog that might help me with my sleep issues.

  4. We love you and the boys! You are ever in our thoughts and prayers. I am so inadequate in helping lift this burden and sadness, but know I would if I could. May you feel the love of your Savior this day and see His hands working in your life. May you feel of His strength and comfort even if it does not take the grief or ache away. Much love beautiful Lisa!

  5. As a grieving Mum myself, I feel what you are saying.
    Even though we all grieve differently, I still follow what you are saying..
    I too wish I was the person I was before my son Samuel died .
    Sending HUGS you way from Hobart xx

  6. When Terry's Dad passed away I remember someone saying in a card that they hoped that one day Frances would be able to think about Terry (his dad) with only happiness and without all the grief. I hope that one day this happens for you Lisa and your children and that even though you will still feel sad that you won't have the terrible grief that you feel now. Thinking of you. Love Vicki Travers

  7. Oh Lisa, I haven't experience this much grief and your family certainly has had more than your fair share. I admire you. This does suck, it's not fair at all. I pray that you are able to have more okay and good days, I hope that the sadder days turn into happy days of happy memories. Much love, you're amazing xxxx

  8. I wonder everyday how you do it - keep moving. You are so strong and such an inspiration. You need to be more patient with yourself. Just accept the feelings when they come. One death would be enough for a lifetime of grief, but two deaths so close together.... I can't imagine. Just know that there are so many people praying for you and the boys. You are an incredible woman!

    1. I just can't say anything else: this is exactly what I thought.
      Lisa, you'll have to know so many people are praying for you! I do know that if I was in your position, I wouldn't be so strong...
      Keep going, God is with you!
      Love, Esrosa

    2. Lisa, Your feelings expressed in your beautiful way bring tears to my eyes - my heart goes out to you and your boys - your ability to keep going is so inspirational - loving thoughts of you all - your faith is so special

  9. Always checking in, not saying much, but thinking of you Lisa.

  10. My heart is heavy for you and your boys. Praying you have happier days ahead.

  11. Sometimes I wish I really knew you so I could sweep in, clean your floors, fold the laundry, make you and your kids dinner and take the boys out for ice cream. I know that you do have those people in your life. Your boys sound fantastic and that only comes from being part of a fantastic family.

  12. Still here thinking about your family. Praying the good days will come soon.

  13. I saw a little saying that said "You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have".... And even on the days when you feel you can't possibly go one more day feeling this pain and heartache, you manage to make it through... sometimes hour by hour. You described grief to a never ever goes away... just sometimes it's just not there front and center on your mind... and we need to be thankful for those times that allow us to keep on living even when our hearts will forever be scarred.

  14. I can totally relate. I can have some good days and then I feel like I am at square one all over again. It's been so hard for me to grieve and take care of Jacob at the same time with no nursing and no help. My boys are older, so I don't get a lot of feedback from them about missing their dad or even that they even are grieving. We did finally have a memorial service for him since we still haven't found his body after 8 months and they did cry a lot at that, so I do know they care. UGH It's just not right and it's not fair is it?

  15. Reading your blog always, and I admire you so much. You're realy strong, but also a strong person has to grief. It's too much, loosing a son and your husband. I hope and pray for you and your sons that there will be a day that you can laugh so loud as you can, without feeling that pain in your heart.

  16. It doesn't matter how many days you've already been running through the fog it is one enormous ultra marathon. I can't begin to imagine. Just by getting ourt of bed each day even when you really don't want to that is heroic in itself. I think you should take that anonymous up on her offer of mopping the floors and doing all the washing, she sounds really nice.

  17. I am so very sorry for your heartache. It is truly a road of ups and downs in adjusting to life after tragedy. I often found solace in inspiring quotes. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was particularly moving to me. He said, "...I bear witness of the God of Glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that he has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell...'Fear ye not.' And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, 'fear ye not...The Lord shall fight for you." May his comfort be ever near as you face the daily challenge of navigating through grief.

  18. Agree with so many above that I do not have words to comfort you.
    Know that God will bring you comfort all the days of your life.
    I pray for you.

  19. Perfect post so perfectly said. I hear you, I feel you. I was so glad to read where you posted that Noah and Aaron are supposed to be in a better place but it's unfair their there and you want them back. I know you are a woman of huge faith and though I count myself as a faithful person it is different and not based in any biblical theory etc (probably going to hell I know it!), so when I hear those who have lost before me quote the bible and feel 'happy' if you will that their loved ones are "Home" etc I just don't have those same feelings. Grief is exhausting and it is maddening. Mostly what it is though is lonely. Whether you are surrounded by hundreds or by one really close person in the end grief is a solitary journey. Nobody can make you feel better. No one can make it right. All we can do for each other is hold hands as we each walk the walk. Loving you loads from across the ocean

  20. I wish we could all have a turn having your grief for a day and even though you would not want anyone to go through what you are going through, (and most of us would suck at it ;) ) at least then we could give you a 'rest' from it!! Love you so so much!! XX

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