All Over Me

I don't like posting a lot about our grief - not because I'm trying to deny it, because you can't, as we feel it every day.  Sometimes the only way to cope and get through another day is to focus on the blessings that we have, so instead of saying every day 'this sucks' or 'this is hard', I try to look at the good things that we still have in our life.    It doesn't mean it doesn't suck and isn't hard, but I choose to not focus on that every minute of every day, because it could so easily take over my thoughts if I let it.

We do have many happy moments and we often have smiles on our faces, so it can be hard to explain to people how hard things still are even though we are 'looking good'.  I often run into people that I haven't seen for a while and they usually say 'you are looking really good' like they are surprised by it.  I was talking to someone the other day about it and said that it's so hard because although I may 'look good' I feel far from it.  There are days that are 'good' and days that are 'okay' but there are also many, many sad days.

Unfortunately the only way to 'heal' is to go through the stages of grief.  Luckily the stages come at different times and not all at once, or there is no way that I could cope.  Grief is exhausting and sometimes you feel like you get a little 'break' from it such as when we go on special holidays, or have extra special things happen, and sometimes every day life is okay, but I have found that you can only have a certain amount of 'good' or 'okay' days before you feel really low again.  

The reality of  my life often hits me at times when I'm least expecting it and I'm overwhelmed by grief and wonder if I will ever feel 'normal' ever again.  Normal meaning back to the old me.   I admit I was never really 'normal' ;)

The old me meaning the person that I was before Noah died.  The me who loved my life of being a stay at home Mum to four beautiful  boys on earth.   The me who was married to my best friend and spoke to him every day on the phone while he was at work, and couldn't wait for him to walk in the door after work to tell me about his day.

I know Noah and Aaron are supposed to be in an awesome place right now and I do believe that, but to put it nicely I don't want them there. It's not fair that they are there.  It sucks that they are there.  I often think about how Aaron got to good end of the deal. 

I'm sick of feeling like I'm drowning in fog.    I wonder if there will ever be a day when I go about my day without thinking 'Aaron and Noah died'. I wonder if I'll ever truly be able to laugh again properly, without feeling like my heart is really broken.

There can be weeks at at time when I feel 'good' and life is running along okay and I feel like I'm on top of everything.  I exercise a little bit, I make sure I'm eating well, I have the energy to deal with the housework and running the boys around and cooking them decent meals, and helping them with their own grief, and I look forward to things.

But then there are many days when I can't cope with anything.  The house is a mess, I'm eating crap, I have no energy to do anything, especially not exercise, my body is a mess, I don't want to leave the house and the boys are a mess, because I am too.

Some days it just takes all my energy to get out of bed, but I do it because I know that's what Aaron and Noah would want and I do it for my boys. 

I've been doing a bit of work in the library at school and one day I came across a book called 'The Sad Book'.  It perfectly described what grief is like. 

Right now I'm feeling like sad is very big, everywhere and all over me. That high that we were on just a couple of weeks ago has definitely gone.
 
I  know it'll pass and I will have 'okay' and 'good' days again. I just hope that the fog starts to lift very soon.