Thursday, 30 August 2012

I miss my Daddy so much

Grief is a crazy thing.  Some days you can feel 'okay' and other days you just feel like you will never ever feel any joy in your life again.  All of us are going through different things  and are dealing with it in different ways.

Kobe cried a lot the first few months after Aaron passed away.  He then seemed to be okay with things and would talk about Noah and Aaron a lot without getting upset, but the last month or so he has been really struggling and missing them a lot.

He particularly misses Aaron and talks about it all the time.  It's hard listening to a four year old say things like 'before Daddy died' or 'when Daddy was still alive' and would then tell us something that he did with Aaron, or something funny that Aaron said.

Most of the time Kobe is such a placid, happy little man.   He is so easy to get along with and makes you smile all the time with the funny things he says and does. 

These are his flowers he made me one day at daycare 'cause I 'wuv' you and I know you 'wuv' flowers' :)
Other days the happy, placid Kobe that we know and love has gone and he is so sad and angry.  He has times where he is very agro and punches and kicks Jay and Harri, and yells at all of us.  When I tell him off he just starts crying and says 'I'm just missing Daddy so much'.  I don't think at all that he's saying it to manipulate me, and get out of being in trouble - I think he's just stating how he's feeling and trying to explain why he's not his usual happy self. 

It's so hard as I'm trying to teach him that expressing himself by hitting and screaming is not the right thing to do, and that it's okay to be sad and angry, but it's not okay to be naughty.  There has been times when I've had to put him in 'time out' to calm down and have a think as he is totally out of control and he sits in the hallway screaming at me 'I'm just missing Daddy sooooo much!'.   After having a cuddle and a talk he settles down, but within minutes he can be doing the same thing and when I tell him off he then says 'but now I'm missing Noah so much!'.

I know that it's good that he is talking about it and expressing how he is feeling,  and have spoken to a lovely child psychologist that we saw early on about some strategies to help, and things are settling down a bit which is good.   She explained it to me that we, his family, are the ones who are supposed to keep him safe and happy and that hasn't happened, so instead he is taking out his anger on us, which makes sense.

He makes me laugh as sometimes I say 'I know you are missing Daddy and Noah and are sad, but it's not good to be naughty' and then he stops his grumpy face and shows me a big smile and says 'look I'm smiling at you!' to cheer me up. 

One day he was really missing Aaron and walked around all day with his photo that is next to his bed

He took it everywhere with him.  It makes me so sad that I can't just fix things for him and bring his Dad and brother back.


  1. Lisa, you don't know me but I, like many people, have been touched by your story. This just breaks my heart - as Mum to a 4year old I can only begin to imagine what Kobe is going through. I don't really know what to say but I wanted to say something - for you to know that someone else cares and will be praying for you and your boys tonight. With love, Louisa

  2. Oh Lisa, this made me cry....really cry....bless his heart....what the psychologist said is so true, kids especially little ones see life so simply...bless you and your boys...I don't know how you do it xxxx

  3. I have no idea if this idea will help or not... but would having something he could take his frustration out on help (i.e. one of those little workout/punching bags) ?

    I keep hoping that my boys would demonstrate a solid reaction - that they would give me some sign that they are working through things and they'll come through okay at the other end.

    It sounds to me like Kobe is actively working through his grief, and maybe you can redirect some of the negative aspects (anger/frustration/hitting etc) into something more positive. Just a thought anyway.

  4. So sad Lisa, and so hard for you as a mum to deal with, especially when you are dealing with your own grief and sadness. Love to you all and my prayer is that your family will be healed by love with time. No words can make it better for you and that is the hardest thing of all.

  5. Keep going Lisa! You are doing such a great job and your boys are testament to this. Keep cuddling each other. One day at a

  6. sweet little tyke...

    bless you both.

  7. Oh, our poor little man, it breaks my heart to see him miss his so loved Daddy,so much.
    Sometimes when I am at your house and I have seen him playing in his sandpit that Aaron made for him, I have to take a deep breath, because it makes me so sad watching him sit out there by himself.
    He is so proud that Aaron made it for him.
    Grief is so strange, with all it's waves and surges.
    He is the dearest little boy, and it must be so hard for him, and you too.
    Love Mum.

  8. Oh I'm so sorry it's so hard... It's heart breaking to help your children grieve while also grieving yourself. Sending all my love...

  9. Poor Kobes! Poor all of you! It just doesn't seem fair so much of the time :(. Hugs and prayers to you all.

  10. How painful for both of you. It's the hardest thing of all to see our children sad and not be able to do much about it.


  11. What a darling boy. I agree, grief is strange and at times very hard to deal with, it can hit you out of the blue and so suddenly. I have had a few days of lots of tears grieving for my parents and they died 8 and 2 years ago, at least I like you and your boys have happy and loving memories of our loved ones. To loose a parent and brother as young as your boys are is just so hard. Love and prayers come your way

  12. Hello

    My name is Susan and I live in Sydney, NSW. I found your blog a few weeks ago and have been moved in so many ways by what you and your family have gone through together.

    I am very sorry for the pain and sadness you have all experienced and wish I could take it away for you. I admire how you have coped and how you have written about your situation here on your blog.

    I think you are doing very well and are a wonderful mother to your sons. You have a beautiful family and so many precious photos and memories.

    Sending you lots of warm wishes and positive vibes. Thank you for sharing with us here and making me appreciate everything good I have in my life.

    I have learnt so much by reading your blog and am glad I found it.

    From Susan McGuire xxoo

  13. It is so sad to read all of this. xxxx

  14. Dear Lisa! I've said it before, I think, but I'm just so glad you know God. And that your boys' will grow up knowing where they can find peace & strength during tough times... This hurts even to read, and so knowing you're living it, that your boys and you are hurting so much - my goodness! I pray that darling Kobe will continue to express himself, as you go about guiding him in the loving way I believe - through your writing - that you do so beautifully and with such devotion... You are all in our prayers. Much love, Naomi G. X

  15. Hi Lisa, I was put into your page by a friend,
    I know what you are going through I lost my wife of 18 years on the 22/01/2012 and miss her every moment of every day. After reading your page I think that I am lucky my kids are a lot older than your little ones, but like you we still go through the stages of loss, the one still at school has turned very quite and will not talk about it at all so that in it self is worrying. And the other teenager has just had a baby so that is a whole new problem.
    I guess you are a but like me having to be the one to hold it all together tough job at times. So we carry on my release is at night in my room so I can greve without anybody having to are me.
    Our thought are with you just keep getting up every morning that's all I can offer.
    I will not give you any of the sayings I am sure like me you have heard them all, people think by telling them it helps so I just say thanks but really I Al over most of them.
    Hope you get through this and think of the kids that's what keeps me going.

  16. Kobe is such a blessing to you and the boys ...but he has the Mother of the Year...dont forget what an awesome MUM you are Lisa...

  17. Thank you for sharing. Kobe carrying the photograph with him was just so tender and also a reminder of how resourceful children are and how they are not afraid to show their feelings. I am learning so much from you, you are a wonderful woman!

  18. I just prayed a little prayer to our Heavenly Father for strength, wisdom and comfort for you in Jesus' name, amen. xo. :)

  19. Hi, my name is Angie and I too stumbled upon his blog a few months back. I have 3 sons ages 8, 5, and 2, they challenge me in so many ways and I'm so grateful to be their mom. i just wanted to tell you I think your very brave and I think you are doing an amazing job raising these beautiful children, you inspire me to do better and you help me appreciate the simple things in life. i wish there was something I could say or do to help you through this crazy hard adjustment time.
    Take care...


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