Thursday, 16 August 2012

Sharing the Awful News

There is still a lot about Aaron and Noah's deaths that I haven't blogged about, and don't want to forget in years to come.  I recently had to get a new iPhone as my old one was playing up.  Before I swapped the phones over I saved everything from my old phone, but couldn't work out how to save the text messages.

As I was going through the messages I found the ones that I had sent out the nights that Noah and then Aaron passed away to different people.  I just couldn't delete them from my phone and as I didn't know how to save them, I ended up taking a screenshot of them.

It still doesn't seem real, even when I look at the messages now. 

When Aaron died I was physically sick.  I was vomiting as they were trying to revive him, and was in so much shock as I watched what was going on.  When the paramedics told me there was nothing else they could do, all I could think was that I had to ring his Dad to tell him that his only son had just died, and that I had to tell people what had happened. 

I rang his Dad first and couldn't stop shaking as I said the words 'I have some bad news for you.  Aaron had a heart attack tonight and died'.

I then rang my friend Simone.  I felt sick as I knew what I was going to tell her was going to be such a shock.  I didn't know how to say it except to just come out and say it.  All I can remember her saying is 'no, no, no, no!'. 

Then it hit me - school! Aaron was supposed to be going back to school in a few weeks to teach.  He loved his job and the kids loved him.  He had so many good friends at school and talked about them all the time.  I knew he was good friends with his colleague Kristy, and searched through his phone for her mobile number.  I rang it and felt sick as I knew what a shock it would be for her. I got her message bank and remember rambling something to it like 'I don't know how to tell you this, and don't know whether I should even tell you this in a message, but Aaron had a heart attack tonight and died'.  She rang me back within a minute.

I rang a couple of other friends and had no energy to ring anyone else.  My brothers had already rung my brother Jared and Dad who weren't with us on holiday.  

I knew that I had to let people know, and remember how shocked I was as I typed this text message to send to people.  I felt terrible as I imagined what it was going to be like for those people to see they had a message from me, and then to open it and read what it said. 

I got a couple of phone calls from past students on Aaron's mobile. They had heard from another friend on Facebook and didn't think (or didn't want to believe) that it was true.  I felt terrible having to tell them as they were crying that it was true.

A couple of hours later I decided to put something on Aaron's facebook wall, as news started getting out and everyone was wondering if it was actually an awful joke.  I obviously put it up after midnight as it was dated the 27th January.  Within seconds comments started coming through and Mum, Chrish and I just kept reading them all night as we couldn't sleep anyway.  

Aaron missed Noah so much and just five days before he had put up on his wall how much he was missing him.  His profile picture was of him and Noah and it hadn't changed since Noah passed away. 

That day almost seven months ago seems like yesterday, but then it also seems like forever ago.  So much has happened since then and sometimes I think about things we have happened in the last seven months and think that Aaron was here with us, but then remember he had already passed away, and it hits me again that it was just me and my three boys.    

I know that they are both dead but I'm still not used to the fact that Aaron is.  I feel like he's away on a really long holiday somewhere and imagine him walking back in the door one day saying 'just kidding!' as that's something silly he would do.  Oh how I wish it was just a bad joke and that he would just walk in the door after work one day.  

I wonder if it's ever going to feel normal for it to be just 'me and the boys'.


  1. You are such a strong woman... I can't imagine how painful it was to recount everything here in this blog post today. You are so amazing for continuing to keep the memories in this blog for your family for years to come.

    Sending you hugs and lots of love from over the seas.


  2. You are so brave! There's no way I can relate to what you've been going through, but you are so inspiring to so many. Hang in there!

  3. That had to be tough to blog, to relive all of those emotions. I'm so so sorry. We were lucky enough that when Pres passed away, our family told everyone. I can't imagine having to call and talk to people immediately after. I really had never thought about it until reading this. Sending love, like always.

    Ashley Sullenger

  4. Hi Lisa A quick search reveal a few programs that will get your txt messages onto your computer. I don't have an iPhone so have not tested any, but check out this as an example. Hope it helps. Take care. Brad

  5. Dear Lisua,

    You are such a strong person and I admire you so much even though we've never met face to face. I've dealt with death before, but not my spouse or child and I can't image how painful that must be for you and your boys. You all are in so many prayers from people you don't know...I hope it's a comfort for you to know that you're thought of by so many. Take care - Lynne

  6. For a minute I thought I was reading a story, but then I realised, this is your life now without these 2 beautiful monkeys. I do that alot, forget for a second that all this has happened and then a second later when I remember, i go into shock just like that first night when you rang and then another second later, my brain reminds me that you have been doing this for near on 7 -10 months now. I love that Aaron had the same profile pic with Noah all that time. xxx

  7. I saw something the other day.. I know right now and not for a very long time the pain will not be so all consuming. ((HUGS)) I lost my mother and it was such a shock I know the pain you are feeling ( tho by no means as much as yours losing both your loves. A few weeks ago I found this little ring.. in the department store and bought it.. in little tiny letters it spelled out HOPE.. then I saw something the other day that I loved.. someone had posted on FB a quote HOPE = Hang On Pain Ends.. I truly dont know if it ends.. but HANG ON PAIN EASES.

  8. Hi Lisa - I too had to get a new phone recently and had so many text messages when my son died. Noone could believe it either - we updated his Facebook page and couldn't believe all the responses. I still read them even today - one of my friends got the text messages transferred over for me. I couldn't bear to lose them. I have all of Jonathan's texts and emails saved and look at them all the time. I cannot imagine what you went thru both with Noah and Aaron, so close together. I continue to pray for you and all those who have loved ones taken from us too soon.

    At Jesus's feet we pray....


  9. I don't have any answers, just prayers for your and your wonderful boys.


  10. I still remember BOTH days like it was yesterday. But still so much more shocking was Aaron's death. I remember it was my SISTER who texted me while I was at the dr's office. I had to leave and call her back because I was just so confused. My heart still breaks for you...I so wish I could change things for you. Love you my friend!!!

  11. This must have been so painful to write.. I too wish it were not true and Aaron about to walk through that door back to you all.

    I am so very sorry.

  12. I called as many people as I could the night my husband died. It had the effect of making it more real. Of forcing me to understand that he was gone and wouldn't be coming back. Well, that was what I hoped. Our first child passed away over a decade ago, and I had refused to deal with my feelings for years. That made the grieving process so much harder. I needed neither myself, nor our other sons, to go through the worst of the pain for any longer than we need.

    I must admit... I still like to think of him as coming back one day, throwing his arms open and wrapping me in an embrace. All I can think of at this point in time is "One day at a time" - and honestly, some days it's still "One hour at a time"

    Thank you for letting everyone in enough to let them know that this feeling is normal - and that we can get through it.

  13. Lisa,

    I have been reading your blog for a while now and reading about you and your family has touched my heart. Your blog has both made my heart ache and inspired me.
    Thank you for sharing and know that someone far away is praying for you and your boys.


We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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