The Kings: December 2012

Hi Honey - do you remember on NYE last year how we sat on the riverbank and talked about 2011 being the hardest year of our lives? Remember how we talked about how 2012 was going to be much better? Well I'm sure you know that 2011 was definitely not the hardest year of my life. 2011 was hard, but it was nothing compared to 2012.

I sometimes feel you really close by and know you are near, but other times I don't feel you around at all and that scares me. I wish I could feel you close by all the time. I wish I knew what you were seeing and thinking and feeling. I have so many questions that I wish I could just ask you.

Did you have a choice whether to stay or go? Did you hear me yelling at you that I needed you? Did you consider staying or was the choice taken out of your hands?

Did you miss Noah so much that you had to be with him?

Did you know that your time on Earth was coming to and end? Is that why you were saying and doing so many things on the days before you died? Do you miss us as much as we miss you?

Do you see us all the time and know what we are doing and feeling?

Do you know that I visit your grave almost every day and have gotten to know a couple of older men who visit their wives at the cemetery every day as well? Do you see us talking? Do you see how unfair it is that I have to visit my husband's grave when I'm only 38? I should be like them and be a lot older when I'm visiting your grave.

Do you see me sitting at your grave, hearing the school bell go off at KMHS? I still can't believe that your body is in the ground, rather than racing around at school.

Are you with Noah all the time? What does he look like now? What is he doing? What do you talk about? Does he talk about us? Does he miss us? Does he know how much we miss him too?

So much has happened this year and I wonder how much of it you have seen? I can't stop thinking about things that have happened this year that you weren't here for. I wonder whether things that used to be important to you, are still as important now?

Did you know that Hawthorn got in the AFL grand final this year!? Did you see that we put all our Hawks gear on just for you and cheered like crazy people!? Did you see Harri and Kobe crying when they lost? Did you care that they lost or is football not as important to you in Heaven?

Have you seen that Jay has been very sick, but is trying hard? Did you know that he was so sick that he had to drop out of drama?

Do you see how much happier Jay has been over the last couple of months, and how well he is doing with his YouTube channel? Do you see how happy it makes him to know that people watch his videos?

Do you know that Harri still sleeps in our bed every night and says he's not going to sleep in his own room because I 'will miss him'. Do you see that he cries a lot more in the last few months and is missing you so much?

Did you see that Harri started doing drama this year and although he was very nervous to start with, he did an awesome job at being a pirate in their end of year production.

Have you seen that I've been trying to get through the year by having things to look forward to? Did you see that we still went on our holiday to Queensland without you? Did you see how much fun we had but how much we wished you were with us? Did you see how brave I was!? Were you proud of me when I went on the Superman Escape!?

Do you see how sad Kobe is and how much he is missing you? Do you see how stressed I get with him and how I wish I could just fix things for all the boys? Do you see how agro he is and how he sits in time out and screams at me all the time? Have you seen him play with the playdough and make you lying in your grave?

Do you know that I am now working part time at Noah's school? Do you see how much I love it? Do you see the beautiful kids that I work with? Do you see how much they make me smile? Do you see how good it is for me to have a routine and something to get out of bed for? Do you think I should teach again soon?

Do you still love music and sport as much as you used to? It's strange to me to know that you weren't here when 1D started or Gangham Style went viral. Did you know that Motley Crue and Kiss are touring Australia together next year? I keep imagining you saying 'I'm not missing this one!'.

Were you sad that you missed the Olympics?

Have you seen that I've been taking Jay to movies that you promised to take him to? Do you know how hard it is for the boys when they wish they could do something with you, instead of having to do it with me?

Have you seen how kind and generous people have been to us? Have you see how hundred of people and one in particular has changed our lives?

Have you seen how your beautiful and kind cousins helped to get our yard finished? Did you see the beautiful landscapers who came and not only finished it off for us, but made it so beautiful?

Did you see the beautiful photos that we had taken, and how much I wished that the whole family was in those photos?

Have you seen that our house is finally finished being built, but how much I hate being here without you? Do you see how empty the house feels without you and Noah in it, and how we want to be anywhere but home?

Did you see the lovely kids and teachers from KMHS come and build us another cubby house for the boys?

Have you seen how many times I have visited KMHS and how sad I feel when I'm there, but how happy that I can still go along and hear how much they love and miss you?

Did you watch your school footy team win the premiership this year, and then travel to Melbourne?! Did you see them all standing around your grave singing you the school song?

Have you seen what great friends we have, and how they have helped me get through this year and we've actually had a lot of laughs together, despite the sadness that we feel without you and Noah.

Does Noah see his beautiful memorial garden at school growing?

Do you know that I write every week for TOFW and how much it helps me to reflect on what has happened and to count my blessings at the same time?

Do you see all the beautiful messages, comments and emails I get from strangers from all around the world, who let us know that they care for us, even though they don't know us?

Do you know that it's harder for me now than it's been in the past year? Do you see that I'm struggling every day to keep going now that we don't have a routine that gets us up and out of bed by a certain time? Do you know how hard school holidays are without you? Do you know that I try to keep so busy that I don't have to think about the reality of what my life is like at the moment?

Do you see that the boys and I are always out doing things, but the whole time I'm doing it my heart just feels empty?

Do you know how hard it is to even know who I'm grieving for each day? I should be sad along with you because Noah died. I shouldn't have to think about both of you being gone. It's impossible to grieve for you both at the same time. It's not fair that I should have to grieve for both of you at the same time. Please tell Noah I'm sorry that most of the time I'm thinking about you instead of him, when I should just be grieving for my beautiful boy that brought be ten years of blessings.

Do you know how sad and lonely I am, especially at night when the boys are all in bed?

Do you know how much I miss your snoring at night?

Do you know that I sometimes wish that the boys and I could just all be in some kind of accident together, so that we all die together and can be together with you and Noah again? I know how awful that sounds and I'm not suicidal at all, but if something did happen where we ended up going together I would be so happy because it would mean that I wouldn't have to live without you and Noah anymore. I just wish the rest of my family and friends could also join us, so that they wouldn't be sad because I wouldn't wish what we are going through upon anyone else.

Do you hear all the questions and comments from people asking if I will ever remarry? Do you know how ridiculous that even sounds to me!? I'm sad and lonely, but not for anyone else ever. How could I ever love someone like I love you? I can't even say 'loved' you, because I still love you. I love you even more now than I did when you were here.

I wish you could answer all my questions. I wish I could just talk to you for a little while. I wish I could see you and feel you and touch you. I wish I could tell you how proud I am of you. I have heard so many beautiful stories since you passed away about how you changed people's lives. You made people happy every day. You helped people to believe in themselves.

I hope you are proud of us, because it's so hard every day, but I try to look at the blessings that we have in our lives and we have many, and I just try to do what I think you would want me to do.

It's hard to believe that it's almost a year since you passed away and as much as I want the year behind me, I'm also dreading going into 2013 because it'll be the first year that you haven't been alive in, and the second year without Noah. I feel like it means we are moving further away from you and Noah.

Please stay close by and let us know that you are still with us. I know that when I'm tired and busy and stressed I don't feel you around as much.

Do you remember this photo we took on New Years Eve last year? I remember Jay laughing at you saying that you love it when he takes photos of us together, because I would let you kiss me more than normal, so you would always want him to take more photos.

I love you so much. I love Noah so much. I miss you both more than I can explain and just wish you were here. Life will never ever be the same again, ever but I hope that as time goes on my heart won't feel as empty as it does right now.

Love,
Lisa

On Christmas night we stayed at my Mum and Dad's house along with the Watsons and Chrish. We planned on doing something together as a family on Boxing Day and the weather was okay, but not really warm enough to hang out at the beach all day, so instead we thought we would go back to Alum Cliffs for a short walk like we did at Easter time.

While we were waiting for Steph, Becky and Jared and the kids to arrive Maddie spoiled me by doing my hair. Oh how I wish I had girls sometimes! It was so nice having my hair done.

All the cousins love being with each other and it's so nice watching them play together. The girls decided to go and pick some of Grandpa's raspberries.

Everyone is excited to have Uncle Chrish home for three months.

My sister in law Steph was very thoughtful and brought along a helium tank and balloons so we could take balloons on our walk and let them go to Aaron and Noah.

They started off well, but not many made it to the end and we heard lots of popping along the way.

Linc being carried by Uncle Jared.

Even though we had been there before I'm still amazed by the beautiful scenery.

My cousins Jarom and Corom joined us for the walk. I haven't seen Corom for ages so it was so nice to see him again. When I was seventeen I was their nanny as they travelled around the USA looking for treatment for him (he is autistic). At the time Corom was only four years old but even all these years later he still remembers me when he sees me. Jarom asked him who I was and he looked at me for a few seconds and then said 'it's Lisa!' in his big deep voice. He was so happy by the end of the walk.

My boys have been around a lot of kids with disabilities but they were fascinated by Corom. I was so proud of Jay who just talked to him like he would anyone else and wasn't worried that he was so big and loud. Harri made me smile when he said 'he has the biggest disability I have ever seen!'. I laughed and said 'is he more disabled than Noah?' and he said he was. It's funny how they just get used to a particular disability, and I found it interesting that Harri thought that Corom was more disabled than Noah, even though he has no physical disabilities.

My cousins have a website called Tassie Boys which helps raise funds for families who have someone in their family who has autism.