To get through the last year I've tried to look at all the blessings in my life and keep as busy as I can be, but it's hard every day to continue on with life without Noah and Aaron.
It's hard to just
keep doing 'normal' things but feeling like you are like a duck - where
the top half is above water and looks very calm and they are gliding
along nicely, but under the water their legs are going flat out to keep
That's how I feel pretty much every day - my
exterior is calm (most of the time) but a lot of the time I just feel
like if I stop paddling just a second I could sink very easily.
A couple of weeks ago I met a man who said to me 'oh you are the woman whose husband died?'.
Yes my husband died - and guess what!? So did my son!
wanted to say that to him, but I didn't because he was being lovely and
empathetic, and he didn't need to hear my dramas. He then said 'so how
are you going? Are you getting there?'. That's when I wanted to say 'no
I'm not getting there', but I didn't. I don't really
know where 'there' is supposed to be anyway. I have heard it so many
times since Aaron passed away.
I know people mean well by asking and saying it,
but it's like they are feeding you the answer that they want you to
give. They don't really want to hear the truth, because the truth is
often hard to hear.
They don't really want to hear that I'm sad and lonely every day, and especially at night.
They don't really want to hear that I'm so exhausted from being a single Mum to three boys who are grieving.
don't really want to hear that I'm stressed every day because I'm
having to make a living, plus keep the house clean, the boys fed and
feeling secure, while trying to find some time for myself.
They don't really want to hear that I worry about the future each and every day.
don't really want to hear that I have been going to the cemetery almost
every day lately because I don't know what else I can do to feel close
to Aaron and Noah.
don't really want to hear that I feel like I haven't had time to grieve
yet because I'm too busy just trying to get through each and every
They don't really want to hear that although I'm
out doing things and smiling and laughing and even having fun at times,
that my legs under the water are going flat out so I don't sink.
so hard to explain to people that grief doesn't have a time line. Just
because it's been 13 months since Noah passed away and 10 months since
Aaron passed away that things are easier. It's not easier at all and
it's actually harder as reality sinks in and the shock wears off.
I look forward to the day when I'm no longer like a duck paddling away furiously just to stay afloat.