39

39 years old.  That's how old I am today.  That's how old Aaron was when he passed away.  That is what has been on my mind all week.

Aaron was 18 months older than me. He was always older than me, which meant I always got to stir him up and tease him about what an old man he was.  Now we are the same age.   Harri always talks about how 'Dad is 40' but to me Aaron will always be 39, just as Noah will always be 10. 

It's like we have our own little 'Twilight' happening where Aaron is Edward who is always going to stay 'young' (because 39 really is young right!?) and I'm Bella who without turning into a vampire, is just going to get old and (even more) wrinkly, and will always look at photos of my young husband and wish we actually got to grow old together. 

Birthdays etc are really hard now and as much as I tell myself to just try to enjoy the day because that's what Aaron and Noah would want, you can't force yourself to feel happy when your heart just feels empty.  

As much as I'd just rather forget the whole day, I knew that the boys were excited about it and I try to make the most of the day for them.   It was so cute when Kobe came into my bed at 7am this morning.  He snuggled under the blankets and then all of a sudden he sat up and said 'it's your birthday Mum!!'.  I went and woke up Harri and Jay like I do every morning and Harri straight away said 'happy birthday Mum!'.  All three boys then came into my bedroom with presents that Alison had helped them get.  Thanks Alison. 

They were so excited to show me what they had picked out.  All week Harri had been working on something for me and whenever I would walk into the room he would quickly shut his book he was drawing in and would tell me not to look.  

This morning Jalen helped him put it in a frame that Alison had also organised and he was so excited to give it to me. I absolutely love his picture he drew of our whole family and is my favourite present.  I love it so much I have decided to put it up as our blog header for a while.   I was talking with my friend Simone about how it's interesting that he drew Noah and Aaron together, whereas before he would've always drawn Aaron and I together. 

 

Harri's beautiful teacher at school was so kind and gave me a little present and made us some beautiful cupcakes. I felt very spoilt.  After I dropped the boys at school I went and had a massage which was so nice.   If you live in or near Launceston and you are looking for a good masseur you need to visit Rose. 

After my massage I met Simone for lunch.  It was nice to catch up and have some yummy food, and chat about how crazy life is.  Simone is always so understanding and if I'm having a rough time I know I can tell her I don't feel like catching up or can tell her that I'm not great, without her getting stressed about me, as she knows I just need some time and always just seems to know what to do to help, whether it be just giving me some space or sending a card or leaving one at the cemetery.

She is also good at helping me with my emotional eating and often supplies me with her beautiful caramel slice, which she also did today.   I'm not sure that is such a good thing!
After lunch I headed to the cemetery since we didn't get there yesterday.  We always try to go on Sunday after church but the boys have been too sad this week and really didn't want to go yesterday, so I decided to go on my own today.  

I wondered whether Aaron and Noah were watching what was going on, or whether they were too busy.  Sometimes I feel them close by, but today wasn't one of those days.
  This afternoon Mum and Dad dropped in and also Aaron's Dad and Step Mum Carrol and Alison. Mum and Dad and Alison bought me some beautiful flowers and Aaron's Dad always spoils us with money or gift vouchers to buy something special, which is nice. 
I was once again spoilt by the beautiful Cupcake Fairy, Nicole who made me a delicious and beautiful birthday cake.  It was chocolate mudcake with Ferrero Rocher chocolates on the top. It was so good.

I wasn't in the mood for doing much and during the week I knew I didn't want to cook on my birthday, so I told the boys that we would probably go out somewhere for tea on my birthday.  I didn't care where, as long as I didn't have to cook.  Mum and Dad told me on Saturday that they were coming in and wanted to take us out for tea which was nice.  I am going out for tea tomorrow night for my birthday with some girlfriends, so am feeling a bit spoilt this week.

Just twelve days before Aaron passed away we had a couple of nights without the boys.  Mum and Dad offered to have them for a couple of nights, and it was just what we needed as it had been a rough few months since Noah passed away.  While the boys were at Mum and Dad's Aaron and I had a lovely couple of days together and went on our last 'date' together to the Jailhouse Grill for tea.  I remember that night really clearly as we had been really grieving hard for Noah but we had a really lovely night out together and had lots of fun teasing Jay who was sending us text messages from Mum and Dad's house.   We were telling him we were getting romantic and he didn't like it very much. 

It was these couple of days together when I really felt like Aaron had turned a little corner with his grief for Noah, and I felt like he could see that life would be okay again because we had each other.   I wanted to go back to the Jailhouse Grill tonight as I wanted the boys to go there so they could see the place that Aaron and I went for our last date out together.

Jay has definitely taken over being the man of the house with the amount he is eating lately.  He's getting so tall and lanky.

 

Thank you to everyone for all your birthday emails, texts, messages, cards, comments on Instagram and love on my Facebook wall.   It really does mean a lot to know that so many people are wishing me a happy birthday and know that it isn't necessarily a happy or easy day.  It's weird to think that in thirty one days I will officially be older than Aaron was when he passed away.   I actually think he may be having a little chuckle about that one, and is probably calling me an old woman now!

I've had a few comments asking if I was going to get a dog for my birthday.  Let's just say that I'm taking all the comments in (and who would've thought that a post about possibly getting a dog would get so many comments!) and the jury is still considering their verdict :)