Monday, 17 June 2013

39

39 years old.  That's how old I am today.  That's how old Aaron was when he passed away.  That is what has been on my mind all week.

Aaron was 18 months older than me. He was always older than me, which meant I always got to stir him up and tease him about what an old man he was.  Now we are the same age.   Harri always talks about how 'Dad is 40' but to me Aaron will always be 39, just as Noah will always be 10. 

It's like we have our own little 'Twilight' happening where Aaron is Edward who is always going to stay 'young' (because 39 really is young right!?) and I'm Bella who without turning into a vampire, is just going to get old and (even more) wrinkly, and will always look at photos of my young husband and wish we actually got to grow old together. 

Birthdays etc are really hard now and as much as I tell myself to just try to enjoy the day because that's what Aaron and Noah would want, you can't force yourself to feel happy when your heart just feels empty.  

As much as I'd just rather forget the whole day, I knew that the boys were excited about it and I try to make the most of the day for them.   It was so cute when Kobe came into my bed at 7am this morning.  He snuggled under the blankets and then all of a sudden he sat up and said 'it's your birthday Mum!!'.  I went and woke up Harri and Jay like I do every morning and Harri straight away said 'happy birthday Mum!'.  All three boys then came into my bedroom with presents that Alison had helped them get.  Thanks Alison. 
They were so excited to show me what they had picked out.  All week Harri had been working on something for me and whenever I would walk into the room he would quickly shut his book he was drawing in and would tell me not to look.  

This morning Jalen helped him put it in a frame that Alison had also organised and he was so excited to give it to me. I absolutely love his picture he drew of our whole family and is my favourite present.  I love it so much I have decided to put it up as our blog header for a while.   I was talking with my friend Simone about how it's interesting that he drew Noah and Aaron together, whereas before he would've always drawn Aaron and I together. 
 
Harri's beautiful teacher at school was so kind and gave me a little present and made us some beautiful cupcakes. I felt very spoilt.  After I dropped the boys at school I went and had a massage which was so nice.   If you live in or near Launceston and you are looking for a good masseur you need to visit Rose

After my massage I met Simone for lunch.  It was nice to catch up and have some yummy food, and chat about how crazy life is.  Simone is always so understanding and if I'm having a rough time I know I can tell her I don't feel like catching up or can tell her that I'm not great, without her getting stressed about me, as she knows I just need some time and always just seems to know what to do to help, whether it be just giving me some space or sending a card or leaving one at the cemetery.

She is also good at helping me with my emotional eating and often supplies me with her beautiful caramel slice, which she also did today.   I'm not sure that is such a good thing!
After lunch I headed to the cemetery since we didn't get there yesterday.  We always try to go on Sunday after church but the boys have been too sad this week and really didn't want to go yesterday, so I decided to go on my own today.  
I wondered whether Aaron and Noah were watching what was going on, or whether they were too busy.  Sometimes I feel them close by, but today wasn't one of those days.
  This afternoon Mum and Dad dropped in and also Aaron's Dad and Step Mum Carrol and Alison. Mum and Dad and Alison bought me some beautiful flowers and Aaron's Dad always spoils us with money or gift vouchers to buy something special, which is nice. 
I was once again spoilt by the beautiful Cupcake Fairy, Nicole who made me a delicious and beautiful birthday cake.  It was chocolate mudcake with Ferrero Rocher chocolates on the top. It was so good.

I wasn't in the mood for doing much and during the week I knew I didn't want to cook on my birthday, so I told the boys that we would probably go out somewhere for tea on my birthday.  I didn't care where, as long as I didn't have to cook.  Mum and Dad told me on Saturday that they were coming in and wanted to take us out for tea which was nice.  I am going out for tea tomorrow night for my birthday with some girlfriends, so am feeling a bit spoilt this week.

Just twelve days before Aaron passed away we had a couple of nights without the boys.  Mum and Dad offered to have them for a couple of nights, and it was just what we needed as it had been a rough few months since Noah passed away.  While the boys were at Mum and Dad's Aaron and I had a lovely couple of days together and went on our last 'date' together to the Jailhouse Grill for tea.  I remember that night really clearly as we had been really grieving hard for Noah but we had a really lovely night out together and had lots of fun teasing Jay who was sending us text messages from Mum and Dad's house.   We were telling him we were getting romantic and he didn't like it very much. 

It was these couple of days together when I really felt like Aaron had turned a little corner with his grief for Noah, and I felt like he could see that life would be okay again because we had each other.   I wanted to go back to the Jailhouse Grill tonight as I wanted the boys to go there so they could see the place that Aaron and I went for our last date out together.

Jay has definitely taken over being the man of the house with the amount he is eating lately.  He's getting so tall and lanky.
 
Thank you to everyone for all your birthday emails, texts, messages, cards, comments on Instagram and love on my Facebook wall.   It really does mean a lot to know that so many people are wishing me a happy birthday and know that it isn't necessarily a happy or easy day.  It's weird to think that in thirty one days I will officially be older than Aaron was when he passed away.   I actually think he may be having a little chuckle about that one, and is probably calling me an old woman now!

I've had a few comments asking if I was going to get a dog for my birthday.  Let's just say that I'm taking all the comments in (and who would've thought that a post about possibly getting a dog would get so many comments!) and the jury is still considering their verdict :) 

16 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday Lisa from Canada.█ ♥ █ You're doing a great job with the boys. I know that Aaron and Noah are watching you with pride as you take on this new unexpected role in your life. Thank goodness for the Gospel which teaches us the principal of Eternal marriage and Families Are Forever.

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    1. Thank you. I love your Canadian flag with the heart in the middle of it :) Yes thank goodness that I know I will be with my boys again. xxx

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  2. Happy Birthday Lisa. My wish for you is that you feel Aaron and Noah close with you tonight. I hope your birthday wish will come true. Thank you for sharing you family and your life. You are truly inspirational. Lots of love. xxx

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    1. Thanks so much and for taking the time to comment. It means a lot xx

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  3. Deven Mountney17 June 2013 at 23:59

    Happy Birthday Lisa. I'm so glad to see your beautiful boys have spoilt you! I was at the Jailhouse Grill tonight and recognized you from reading your blog and following you on Instagram. I was extremely close to coming over to you at the salad bar to wish you a Happy Birthday but thought better of it when I realized that coming from a stranger it may have been a tad weird. It was really great to put your actual face to your blog posts, especially because you've been such a major inspiration to me over the last couple of years. As I've read about you and your families journey it's really helped me put things into perspective. Particularly in terms of realizing how useless it is to sweat the small stuff on a daily basis when theirs just so much more to life than that. You've helped me get out of bed on many a crummy morning just because I simply think 'if Lisa King can get out of bed each day and smile then I have no excuse not to'. I'd really like to thank you for that Lisa and thank you for being brave enough to share your stories and days with us, despite how difficult they may be. Wishing you again a very happy birthday for the next 5 minutes :) I continue to look forward to more blog posts, they really are beautiful.

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    1. Oh wow! You should've come up and said hi. I wouldn't have thought it was weird at all. It's lovely when strangers say hi and tell me they read my blog. It's nice to know that so many people care and follow how we are going. Thanks for your lovely comment. It means a lot to know that what I'm going through is helping others in some way. xxxx

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  4. Happy birthday! I think a dog would be great. I was not looking forward to getting a dog, but he has turned out to be a great investment. He protects my daughter and I when we are home alone by barking at EVERYTHING he hears outside. He is especially fond of children and women ... weird huh?

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    1. Maybe...I'm starting to come around :)

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  5. Happy Birthday, Lisa, from Massachusetts. You can stay 39 as long as you want!! I loved your post, the pictures of the boys, and especially the one of the family painted by Harri. He did a wonderful job and what a wonderful present to you. Your cake looked amazing! I just wanted to cut a piece as soon as I saw it. Yum!! You deserve to be spoiled, and it is so great that you have so many friends and family who love and care for you and your boys to help make life a little easier for all of you. I know how much you all miss Noah and Aaron--they will always be in your hearts.

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    1. Thank you I was very spoilt by friends, family and my boys, that's for sure.

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  6. I guess I have been blog stalking you for long enough and I should finally comment. I think I found your blog through NIENIE?, but I have been following for quite some time and think you are just lovely. :) Also, we have several things in common: My name is also Lisa(best name ever), I am the mother to 4 boys, I attended Ricks for a while, my brother tried to get me to name my last boy Kobe (because he loves the Lakers), I mean really the list goes on and on. Mostly I just wanted to tell you that you are amazing. That you inspire me over here in Utah and you make me appreciate the small things. That I pray for your family and I ache for your loss and I try to jump in the waves with my small children (my oldest is only 6!)and husband and enjoy them as much as I can. God bless you Lisa King. And God bless those precious boys you are raising. You are doing a great job.

    With love,
    Lisa J from Utah

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    1. Hi Lisa - wow that's cool! Aaron actually hated Kobe Bryant so when I suggested 'Kobe' as the name for Kobe he wasn't keen, until he realised that he liked the actual name. Lisa really is the best name ever! ;) I had a lot of people come over from Nienie's. Thanks for still hanging around - it means a lot to know that so many people care and want to see how we are going. Thanks for your lovely comments. xx

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    2. My husband hates Kobe Bryant too, haha! And also, I am not a dog person. I think it's like having another child! But it seems I may be the only person who feels that way after reading all of the dog comments!

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  7. Happy birthday!! I know I am late to the party ( and how cool is deven! In a non stalker way)
    That cake....wow, yum!

    Ok, I can't change anything, but imagine when you see him, in his prime as a resurrected being..and you are say, 89 yrs young, think of the fun you will have on that date night!!!???? Totally R 18 rated!!
    And if the saviour comes back sooner, you might not be so bent over!

    Anyway, have a lovely night with your friends, it is hard, and it does suck, but you kick up your heels, have some laughs, and you are younger today, than you will be tomorrow ( but you will be nearer that 89 yrs tomorrow...woooffffff!!)

    Nic in nz

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  8. I agree about Aaron having a chuckle- he is going to flog the joke of you being older forever now but I reckon you will always look amazing because people with beautiful hearts always do, no matter their age. xxoo

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  9. Happy Birthday from Manchester, Connecticut!

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We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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