Friday, 4 October 2013

My Happy Ending

During the week I was interviewed via Skype by the lovely Sarah at The Space In Between for Mindfood magazine.    The story includes three people including myself, and is about grief, loss and love, and where that love goes when your partner passes away.   Sarah is also a counsellor so it was lovely to talk to her and to know that she understood where I was coming from. 

She gave me the option to pass on a question if it was too hard to talk about, but I told her that I didn't mind talking about anything.   She said that a lot of people obviously talk about Aaron's death, but she wanted to hear about how we met, and fell in love before we talked about what it's been like since he passed away.

It was nice to share some stories about what he was like when we first met. 
She asked about our life when we were first married, and how long it was before we had Jalen.  I talked about how that time in our life was a lot of fun.  We were very poor Uni students at the time, but we loved just being together.  I told her how young we were when we got married (I was 21 and Aaron was 22) but at the time we just thought we were so grown up and mature.  I don't regret at all getting married so young though.
Sarah then asked about what our relationship was like once kids came along, and how it changed with Noah's birth. Our priority was no longer our relationship, as we focused on Jay and Noah and just tried to get through each day with a baby who screamed day and night, and needed a lot of medical care.  For many years all we could think about was that Noah was going to pass away one day.  

Just after Noah was born I heard a comment from someone who said that most couples who have a child with a disability end up splitting up.  I was so angry when they said it and couldn't believe that they even said it to me, but it actually made me determined to prove them wrong.

Aaron and I grew to be best friends which is what I think got us through many hard years.  There wasn't a lot of time for each other, but our relationship grew stronger as we learnt to rely on each other more than we ever had before.  As Noah got older we realised that we needed to make more of an effort on our relationship as a couple, and we would take up the offer of babysitting whenever we could, so we could get out on our own. 
Of course no relationship is perfect.  We loved each other, but there were times when I just wanted to kill him, and I'm sure he felt the same :)  We loved to stir each other and despite lots of hard and stressful years with caring for Noah, we also had so much fun together.   
Sarah asked me about the love I have for Aaron now that he has passed away, and whether I had ever considered having another relationship.  I was more than happy to talk about it, because it's a huge pressure that I feel from other people.

I have heard many comments about 'moving on' and getting remarried.  I'm not sure how you are meant to 'move on' from loving someone, especially when you were with them for seventeen years.  I really don't know how you are supposed to 'move on' when you are grieving for your best friend, eternal companion and father of your children.   I think that if I had 'moved on' already it wouldn't say very much at all about the relationship that Aaron and I had together.
I had someone ask why I wasn't interested in someone else.  The reason is that I'm married.  I'm married to Aaron.  He isn't here, but he is my husband and always will be.  To people who can't understand it, I could only explain it to them in that you know how much you love your partner.  Could you imagine having a relationship with someone else right now, even though you're married to your partner?  That's exactly how it feels.  I am married and in love with Aaron more than ever, so there is no way I can think about having another relationship.  I feel him around at different times, so it's not like he's really gone.  I know he's not gone.  He's gone physically and we can't see him, but we feel him and his influence around all the time. 
The thing that gets to me the most is that I don't know WHY people feel like I have to move on.    I don't want to move on.  Aaron is my eternal companion and I know I will be with him again one day.  We believe that when we get married we are married forever.  FOREVER.  I don't want to fill in time with someone else until we are together again.  I'm lonely, but I'm not lonely for another relationship.  I'm lonely for Aaron. No one else could ever live up to the relationship that we had together.
I'm more in love with Aaron than I ever was before.   I know he isn't here, and I know I'm going to be alone for a long time before we are together again, and that's okay. Sarah talked to me about how people often feel like they have to 'fix' things, even if there is nothing to be fixed.  I'm okay.  I don't need fixing.  Aaron and I didn't break up.  He died.   When he died a piece of me died too, and it won't be fixed until we are together again. 

I hate that Aaron isn't here, but I don't feel like I need to have a man in my life to make it complete.  Aaron made it complete, and we will be together again one day.   In the mean time I will forever have a hole in my life, but it's okay.  I would rather spend the next fifty years being single, than to settle for someone else, just to fill in time.
I know that there will be many people reading this thinking that it's sad that I don't want to 'move on'.  If one of my friends were in the same situation as myself, I would be so sad and heart broken for them and would wish them lots of happiness in their future.  But happiness doesn't necessarily mean another relationship.  

No one can really understand what it's like unless you have been in the same situation.  I know many people get remarried, and that's okay too.   But moving on is not something I want to do, or feel like I have to do. I feel like I need to learn to cope and live without him until we are together again, but that doesn't mean having another relationship.    I laugh with Jalen about how Aaron used to always make jokes about if either of us died.  He used to always say things like 'you could never get remarried anyway as no one would put up with you' or 'you couldn't find anyone as hot as me anyway'.  I miss his silly jokes so much. 
I would be terribly surprised if I look back in ten or twenty years and am remarried, because that's not at all what I want or go looking for.   Sarah said how people want a 'happy ending' and for most people that would seeing me getting remarried.  But my happy ending can, and hopefully will be that I lived many years without Aaron, but learnt to deal with it the best that I know how, and came out the other end okay.   


  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty sweetheart.
    I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine you with anyone else than your beloved Aaron.
    Even of it's
    I have had so many people say to me that in the future you will probably remarry, and I am totally flummoxed at that concept.
    In my heart and mind it will always be Lisa and Aaron.
    Hell, don't make an idiot of me and get married next year....hahaha.
    I hope people 'get' what you have said from your heart.
    I have always known how much Aaron loved you and you him.
    Love is eternal, and I look towards to the day when you are in each other's arms, never to be parted again.
    Loved seeing all the photos, and remembering all the fun and laughs he bought to you and the boys, and our family.
    He was and is a truly unique person, loved by so many people.
    I miss that funny man so very much.
    I love you and I am ever so proud of you, and I envy the love you share for Aaron.

  2. Lisa,

    You are a wise woman and a very respectful person. I am almost envious of your love of Aaron and your ability to see long term. Of course, most of that comes from true, genuine feelings for your partner. However, if the time should ever come when you feel a possibility of loving someone else I hope you will know that it would be with Aaron's blessing. For when someone really loves you, their first interest and desire is for you to be happy. I wish you all the happiness in the world for you have earned it. I realize we do not know each other but please know that I admire you for your honesty and the love you display for your family.


    1. What Melanie said... :) If you do find someone you want and feel the need to spend more time with I hope you go for it. I am confident all your late husband would want is you to be happy. Whatever you choose.

      This life is short and what is on the other side anyone's guess if anything at all. We only have TODAY and today a good day to do something you love :)

  3. I totally understand how you feel Lisa ... Me too! You have said it so right. I too hear the same said to me as well 'move on'. Im moving on learning to live a changed life but the love is still there and will never feel any different i know for sure. God bless you Lisa and Aaron

  4. So inspired by your honesty. Thank you again for sharing.
    Chelsea x

  5. I can really see Jay in the first picture of you! So glad you got to talk to this counselor and get your feelings out. I totally agree with you about not getting remarried. I would never want to remarry if my husband dies before I do. You are married for eternity! ~lots of love from Oregon

  6. I loved reading this article. It was so fun to see the pictures of you and Aaron over the years. You can just see the love that you have for each other.

  7. This post is so beautifully written. Lisa, thank you for opening your heart and sharing the depth of your love for Aaron. I am glad that you don't feel the need to"move on" to satisfy others. I believe that I would feel the same way in your place. I can't imagine ever being with anyone besides my husband, and I don't think that would change if he were to pass away.

    You will have a beautiful life, filled with ever more love and peace. Aaron will be with you, and when you are reunited, I'm sure your time apart will seem like a moment.

  8. Reading your post today was so heart warming. I am so happy to hear that you are at a place in your life that you are content to be at, and you know in your heart that you will be with him again, and that forever is forever, and I applaud you for that. It was so nice to see the pictures when you were both younger and I could see the Love in both of your eyes that you had for each other, and I don't think you could ever replace that. Thanks for letting us into your life, I look forward to reading your blog so whatever you do continue to write. Linda

  9. We have a sister in our ward who is 20 years further along than you are (would have been about the same age and children the same age as you) and she is still happily married to her Eternal Companion. She has never felt the need to remarry. Your Blog has helped me understand her so much more. Thank you for the service you do by bearing your heart so bravely for everyone to see, it helps us who have not lost anyone to understand those who have so much better. My husband and I have always discussed what we would do if one of us dies. For years I said he had to as who would do the girls hair - but as the girls can now do their own hair I have changed my mind.

  10. That was lovely to read. Your happy ending can only be what's right for YOU xxx

    Kylie Embury

  11. What a post. A happy ending should be whatever makes you happy, and not what others expect.
    I wish you all the happiness, and so much continued love for Aaron.

  12. My best friend's father died when she was a toddler. She was the youngest of 11 kids. Her mother went to her leader (priest?) in the Catholic church who was angry with her for not being married in the Catholic church. She had gone for comfort, and again felt chastised. It's a long story, but later Mormon missionaries came to her door and taught her about marriage for eternity. Not long after she joined the church and became a stalwart member in Mexico. Her Bishops were always telling her to remarry. Her response was the same until the day she died: "I am married." And she was!!! When my parent's 50th wedding anniversary came around 3 months after my dad died, I called my mom and she said "Well, we made it. I figure since we are still married, we made it to 50 years!" She's so comforted by the fact that when she sees my dad again, he will still be her husband. :)

  13. Your love for Aaron is eternal. I am sure when the Lord feels you need someone, he will put someone in your life, but right now you have to focus on the boys and yourself. I get it. I am so happy you know what you want and are really living the life Aaron would want you to have. He wants you to be happy and you are.

    Lisa, you are one strong woman and I learn so much...thanks!

  14. I have been reading your blog for quite some time and I think you are truly inspiring. My mother passed away 13 years ago at the age of 45. People often ask why my dad has not remarried and question if he will ever move on. He believes that there can only ever be one love of your life and he is married to her. She may be gone from this life but not forgotten.

  15. Lisa, I think you HAVE moved on. Look at all you have accomplished in the last 1 1/2 years- moving houses, going back to teaching, taking trips with your boys, and helping them to move forward as well. Moving on with your life doesn't mean you have to leave Aaron behind. You are doing amazing things, and I admire you so much!

    I was just reading Shawni's blog at and her tribute to her grandmother, who was widowed young, was beautiful. I thought of you and the impact you are having in so many lives, most of all your boys. We are all blessed by your courage, love, honesty, and strength.

    1. Thank you so much! This means a lot to me as I do feel like I have done so much in a short time to cope with what has happened. xxx

  16. After Elder Holland's talk, I can hardly wait to meet Noah...even more! :)

  17. I love all the pics of you two together xx. All perfectly said Lis. love you x

  18. Love your honesty Lisa, love that you things are the way they are for you. I am on my own, single, not in the same way you became single, but because my marriage ended. Somehow people feel that you need someone, a man to make you happy, to fulfil your life. That's a decision only you can make if, and when it happens. I am happy being on my own, I don't need a man to make me happy.

    I think you are amazing to have moved forward in the way that you have and that happens one day at a time. We all move forward in our own way. It happens in our own time frame and in the way that works best for us. If you look at all that you have achieved in the time since Aaron and Noah passed away, then you have moved forward in only the way that you can. Your strength and courage is an example to all around you and to those that you don't even know. I think you are a special person and have a beautiful family.

  19. Such a beautiful piece Lisa. Your love is a true blessing. I hear what you're saying. XXX

  20. Lisa this post oozes with your love for Aaron. Your courage to go on is amazing and the strength you have shown is so inspiring. I know what we see on the blog is one thing and being you and living each day is a totally different kettle of fish but you have such an amazing attitude to everything that you can feel how much what you have said means to you.

    Yes having a relationship is amazing and having someone in your life is the best feeling. But I think I would be the same as you if the same thing happened to me, I love my husband more than anything and no one could ever replace him.

    I know your faith helps get you through each day and that is truly beautiful.
    Keep on being yourself and just know that through your blog, you are inspiring so many people to take life one day at a time and try to look at things with a more positive attitude. You have been through more than anyone deserves in a life time but it hasn't broken you down, you have found the strength to keep going and be the best Mum possible for your 3 gorgeous boys.

    Hugs to you all

  21. My parents had been married for 22 years when my dad passed away from a heart attack. I remember less than a year after he died, my boss asked if my mom was dating anyone yet. I was shocked, and at that point hadn't even considered my mom dating anyone else! My dad has now been gone for 8 years, and my mom has yet to date. I want her to fall in love again just because I think she deserves it, but your post has made me realize it's not about what other people think she needs...

  22. I have never commented before, but had to today. This post really touched my heart. Thank you for sharing your perspective and thoughts. I love when you said, "I'm already married. I'm married to Aaron." I have never been able to understand why someone wouldn't want to re-marry, but I get it now. Thank you! I think you are an amazing woman and are doing such a great job with those handsome boys of yours. I pray for your family often. *hugs*

  23. Moving on and dating someone else,do people really ask that of you? What a crock. Are they so shallow to think loved ones are so easily expendable? Loved this post xx

  24. you are amazing Lisa! Thanks for your open heart and honesty! While your life the last 24 months have not been one that you ever expected, you have shown so many how to handle grief, tragedy and heart ache with grace, compassion and dignity. ! thank you!

  25. Oh my gosh! This post is amazing. My Dad died 14 months ago, he was only 64 and it was sudden. He & my Mom were married for 42 years, together 43. People will talk about my Mom re-marrying. As hard as it would be if she did, I really don't see her marrying again. Her personality and having to take over the business details and her love for him, I just don't see it. When you said you love Aaron even more now - that's how my Mom has talked about my Dad. I'm shocked with a man (late 80s on his 2nd marriage because of death of a spouse) said to me "you're Dad's been gone 8 months", me "ya", him "well that's enough time for her to get remarried." It did bother me but I tried to think that he has never met my family & didn't know me (it was our first time meeting at a church function). I've had talks with my Mom & I think your words explain exactly how she feels. She has nooooo desire for another date. Her youngest is 23 so her kids are grown up and not young like yours but I still think you guys deal with some of the same things. Thank you so much for this post. I plan on showing it to my Mom. I think about you & your family a lot and am so appreciative you share experiences for us all to be reminded of our blessings. Thank you again, I hope you feel their comfort in these harder days. Hugs!

  26. Hello Lisa,

    I read your blog often all the way from Connecticut, USA. I love the way you write and the strength that you show for your kids. I know sometimes that doesn't help because you can not grieve fully as you try to show a brighter side for them. I found this song and thought of you and your boys. It is by Luther Vandross a song called Dance with my father.

  27. Lisa! That's beautiful! So, so precious. And so right! You have the strength of our Heavenly Father to lean on before you are together again. And in relying on Him, you're glorifying Him, and THAT is a beautiful thing.
    Naomi G


We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...