Monday, 7 October 2013

The Decision

I've had to make some hard decisions in my life, and especially in last twenty months, but no decision was as hard as the one that Aaron and I had to make two years ago on this night. As hard as it was, it was also an easy decision to make because Noah made the decision for us.

This time two years Aaron and I went to bed after leaving Noah in the ICU. During the day we were still hopeful that Noah would pick up, but that night it was clear that in the morning it was time to tell the doctors that we knew it was time to turn off the vent he had been on for the past week.   It was an easy decision because Noah had shown us that he was ready and was just waiting for us to be ready as well. 

He was showing no signs that he could breath on his own, started to have hundreds of seizures a day, was in pain, and his body was continuing to shut down. He hadn't been well for months leading up to it and in my heart I knew that the end of his life on earth was getting closer.
Our hearts were broken as we didn't know how we could sit by his bed for the last time and say goodbye. What was an easy decision to make because it was really taken out of our hands, was the hardest thing we ever had to do.   It was the shortest and saddest day of our life as we waited for my family to arrive so they could say goodbye.
The doctor and nurses who were with us were incredible and helped us so much. Aaron washed his hair for the last time and joked with him as he asked what type of hair do he wanted. He always knew how to make us laugh, even when his heart was breaking.
I clearly remember the lovely doctor coming back to the hospital about 6.30 pm. We had told him of our decision in the morning and he told us to spend the day with  Noah saying goodbye.  When he walked back into the room that night I just wanted to yell at him to go away, because I didn't know how we were going to do it. 

As hard as it was, I just knew that I had to be strong.   Strong for the boys, strong for Aaron and most importantly, strong for Noah.  He had been strong for ten years, and now it was my turn. 

 Just after 7pm on 8th October, we sat around his bedside and said our last goodbyes before the doctors and nurses turned off his machines which were keeping his body alive.

It was very peaceful and as strange as it sounds it was actually a privilege to be with him as we watched him leave this life. We were so proud of him and knew that we had given him the best life that we could. I was happy for him that he was no free of his sick and disabled body but my heart was broken as I didn't know how I could walk out of the hospital and go home without him. We stayed with his body and washed and dressed him again before leaving him for the last time.
Our family wasn't complete without him. 110 days later Aaron passed away from a cardiac arrhythmia, otherwise known as a broken heart. 


  1. A very touching post .... you are a strong and courageous lady. My prayers and thoughts are with you at this time. May love and peace surround you and give you comfort.

  2. Lisa, we've never met but I am crying with you. I feel as if I know your family, including Noah and Aaron, because your love for them is so powerful and deep. You are in my prayers!

  3. I always cry when I read your account of Noah's passing. Today was no different. Your expressions are all so touching as you prepare to say goodbye. I want to hug all of you.

  4. Lisa, thank you for sharing your life and experiences with us. God bless you and your family. Families are forever.

  5. I don't even know your family (except through this blog) and I live clear across the world from you (in Oregon, USA), but right now as I type this tears are falling down my face from reading this post. Tears because I can feel the love your family has for one another and that little boy had the best family he could ever had. You took such wonderful care of him! Hugs, Lisa

  6. Heart breaking photos and details of your beautiful Noah's last day. We lost our wonderful son about the same time Noah passed, so when I read of your immense and heroic courage, it gives me hope. Many thanks for the lives you and your family live and your ability to share heartache and hope with the rest of the world.

  7. So heartbreaking noah is such an amazing kid. I didn't realize our angel dates were so close to each other. 5 years ago today we buried our little boy. Something a parent should never ever have to do. I'm so sorry mama you are in my thoughts and prayers!!

  8. Lisa,

    God bless you and your family in Heaven and on Earth.

  9. Oh Lisa, just so powerful and touching x

  10. Sending prayers and warm thoughts to your family. I am in awe of your strength and spirit, Lisa, and am SO SO sorry for your losses.

  11. Heavens,
    So many tears now, don't want to leave my room and face the day, but you have to do that every single day.
    Those photos bring that night back so vividly.
    Love you, I am with you in spirit and love today.
    Thinking of Pooh Near today and everyday.
    I am a much better person for having Noah in my life.
    Love Mum.

  12. You give me hope that I will be able to do the same thing one day. My Lara looks so like your Noah. I have wept so many tears for you and your family. I have been following your blog for many years and I did not know how you managed to continue on so graciously. You make me believe that I will be able to do the same thing. Because that's the reality isn't it? There will be no happily ever after. But I will keep loving Lara with all of my heart and soul until we get to that point. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you remember your beautiful men. I'm sending you hugs from Qld. x

  13. Thank you for sharing these special photos with us. Noah was very lucky to have you and Aaron as his parents. No one could have loved him more or taken better care of him. I am very sorry for the pain you and your family have endured. It is heartbreaking to watch a loved one in that condition. My dad died of cancer many years ago and I still remember his last day in hospital and how hard it was for us to say our good byes. I am sure Noah knew how much love you all had for him.

    Thinking of you and your boys today (and everyday) and sending lots of warm wishes and big friendly hugs. From Susan McGuire in Sydney xxxxoooo

  14. What a touching blog you have written, and it must have broken your heart to write this and relive saying goodbye to your sweet son. He was a handsome young man. You and Aaron and the boys gave him so much love and he gave you his love in return. Bless you, Lisa, and your sweet boys. You know that Noah and Aaron are watching over you daily. Sending love and hugs from Massachusetts.

  15. The way you expressed that, made it feel as though those of us who were reading were present. My heart broke as I went through the post and tears streamed down my face. You are incredibly strong.

  16. Gut wrenching to read. My thoughts and prayers are with you xxx

  17. You are an inspirational person. Strong. Positive. Gracious. Peaceful. I am in awe. Love from Cape Town. xx

  18. Your words and your strength, simple amaze me. Thoughts and prayers from Michigan, USA. ����


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