Buying Time

Grief is so hard.   I still haven't read a lot about grief because I don't believe that reading about it is necessarily going to help me deal with it, but I do know that there are stages of grief.   I feel like I've skipped the stage of anger, or maybe it's still going to come, but I knew there was a stage of 'depression' when you start to feel intense feelings of sadness and emptiness. 

We believe that this life isn't the end and that I will be together with Aaron and Noah again, but that of course doesn't stop the grief.   I have hope that things will get easier, but know that they will never, ever be the same again. 

 Over the past two years I have been doing all the things that I had been told would help me cope with the enormity of what has happened.   I was going to the gym (even though it felt like I was going to the torture chamber as I didn't enjoy it like I used to) I was trying to eat well; I was getting out; I moved house hoping it would help (it definitely has); we got a dog, I was working with kids that I love, and I was planning things that we could look forward to. 

Most of all I was praying more than I've ever prayed before, that I could understand why Aaron had to go so soon after Noah, and that I could get through another day without him. 

Somewhere along this journey of grief things changed.  It was a gradual thing that slowly crept up on me but I believe things started to change as I was dealing with a particularly stressful situation that I felt like I couldn't change.  I guess you could say it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  

I went from feeling like I was coping quite well, to feeling like everything was overwhelming me.  I believed that the grief was really starting set in because I had been so busy every day just trying to be strong for the boys, and it was now my turn and it was finally catching up with me.  

Doing all the things I was told to do didn't help.  I didn't feel sad anymore.  I just felt nothing.  I didn't feel anxious anymore.  I just didn't want to do anything.  Things that I once loved to do, I started to avoid.  I was told that going to the gym would be the best thing that I could do, but I would work out and feel like I hadn't done any exercise.  The usual 'gym high' I would feel after working out wasn't there.

My friends would invite me to catch up for lunch, but it was the last thing I wanted to do. It was just too overwhelming to just get out of the house, and I couldn't think of anything worse than having to find the energy to talk.  I knew that my friends would understand and wouldn't expect me to put on a happy face, but I just couldn't find the energy to do it and started telling my friends that I wasn't up to it.  I told them I was fine, I just didn't feel like it.

Since Noah passed away I have experienced 'the fog'.  My mind often felt clouded over, but there were days when the fog had lifted just for a little bit and I felt like I could see through the fog again.  Suddenly the fog was so thick.  I couldn't see past it and I couldn't think clearly. 

I knew that I had so much to do around the house, but I couldn't think clear enough to get things done.  I would start doing something in the kitchen, but would leave it after a minute because I had thought about something else I had to do.    I had started ten jobs or more throughout the day, but hadn't been able to finish any of them.   My house was a mess, but I didn't care anymore. I just didn't have the energy to deal with it - mentally or physically. 

I went from being in control of things, to not wanting to get out of bed and that's exactly what happened.  I had no reason to get out of bed except to get the boys out the door to school, and to cook them tea at night.  They would kiss me goodbye, and then come home and call out to me 'Hi Mum!' as they got home as they knew I would still be in bed.

I finally thought I knew the enormity of grief and thought that this was another stage that I unfortunately had to go through, before the next (and hopefully easier) stage would come.

That stage didn't come.  Things didn't get better. 

At first I was upset with myself.  I wondered why I couldn't fix it myself.  I hoped that by getting out of bed and continuing to go to work, I would snap out of it.   I'm usually a very optimistic person, and have strong beliefs that I will be with Aaron and Noah again and that there has to be a reason as to why it has happened, but even though I believe this, I just felt so empty and tired.  The hope that I once had that things could get better, had gone. 

I am so grateful for lovely professionals who realised that what I was going through was not just a normal stage of grief, but it had actually turned into 'uncomplicated severe depression'.   Uncomplicated meaning that there was a clear reason for the depression, which is usually easier to treat.  It was so severe that diet and exercise did not help at all, which would explain why going to the gym did nothing.  It explained why I couldn't sleep despite being exhausted.  I have family and friends who have suffered from depression.  I always imagined what I thought it was like for them, but I had no idea. I thought they felt sad.  I didn't feel sad.  I just felt nothing. 

 

It was suggested that I urgently went on medication for severe depression.  I was shocked that I was suffering from depression,  and was particularly shocked that it was so severe that I needed to take medication.  I don't like taking any type of medication if I can avoid it, so I wondered whether it was really necessary that I took medication.

I was told that it would probably help me feel on top of things quite quickly, and that I probably wouldn't need to be on it for long but it would just be 'buying time'.   It wouldn't take away the grief, but it would give me some time to get on top of things again as it would help restore the chemical imbalances in my brain.

I was very blessed to have been put on a medication that worked for me straight away.  Within two days I felt like the old me again.  Not the me before Aaron and Noah passed away, but the me who was still grieving, but felt like getting out of bed.   I felt like doing things again.  My mind was so much clearer and I could get things done without forgetting what I was supposed to be doing.  I could drive again without worrying that I was going to cause an accident.  I looked forward to doing things with the boys again.

I only told a couple of close friends that I had started the medication, because I didn't want people to worry about me.  I guess I am good at putting on a good front, which is often the case with people who are suffering from depression.

After three months of being on medication, I started to wean off it with the advice of my doctor and was so grateful that I still feel 'good' without the medication and still do, even after stopping it a while ago.   

Despite having a blog that is read by many people,  I am actually a pretty private person.  There is a lot that I don't share on here, and I thought for a long time about whether to share anything about this, but I have decided to share what I have gone through because I want to 'keep it real' and hope that by sharing it, it may help someone else, somehow.  

 

In some ways I feel like I failed myself.  I still wish that I was able to get through this hard period in my life without medication as I kind of feel like I took the easy way out,  but then the rational side of me says that I should be proud that I was able to reach out and ask for help and then to accept it, because I know that there was no way that I could've felt better without taking the medication.

I still don't like taking medication, but I know that there are times when it can help so much and is necessary.  The medication did have side effects, but the benefits far outweighed any side effects that it had. 

Now that I'm off the medication I feel sad every single day, but I am so glad that I feel something again.  I never thought I would say that I'm glad that I can feel sad again.  I'm glad that I can cry again.  I'm glad that I can laugh again.  I'm sure there will be many more tears until I'm with Aaron and Noah again, but I'm grateful that I was able to buy some time to feel on top of things again.