Our computer is needing a huge overall, so I've been going through lots of the old photos trying to sort them out a bit. There are a lot of photos that I haven't looked at for a while, because they are too hard to look at all the time. The strangest photos to look at are photos of Aaron at
Noah's funeral, or when we were
dressing Noah's body after he had passed away. It's so strange to see Aaron with Noah's body, and to know that he passed away just a few months later.
Last night I couldn't stop looking at this photo. It was just a couple of days after Noah's funeral and we had all gone up to the cemetery with Chrish (who took the photos). It is so weird to think that Aaron's grave is right through the trees there behind Aaron's head.
When Noah passed away I was so worried about Aaron. He was taking it so hard and I knew that it was going to be a long road of grief for him and all of us, and was wondering how he was going to cope with it all.
This photo of Harri with Nono makes me smile and feel sad at the same time. He looked so happy to be in Aaron's arms.
Jay was coping the best out of all of us, after Noah passed away. He was so sad and it was so hard for him to come to terms with the fact that
Noah was tired and ready to go, but after he passed away he was so brave and knew that Noah was in a good place and was no longer in his sick, disabled body. It's so hard to see how different it's been for him since Aaron passed away.
I wish so much we were all still visiting Noah's grave together, instead of the boys and I visiting two graves. Aaron gets to be with Noah, while I'm here to deal with all the
crap. He shouldn't be there, but should still be with us. We should all
be visiting Noah's grave together.
My mind and heart are so mixed with different thoughts and emotions. I know that it's not Aaron's fault that he's not here, but a part of me is still angry with him because he just gets out of having to deal with our grief for Noah. Him dying changed our grief for Noah. It just put it away and we still haven't grieved for Noah, because all we can now think of is that
Aaron died. Just like that.
Now we are grieving for the two of them, but not having any idea how it's even possible to grief for both of them at the same time.
This photo of Harri with Nono makes me smile and feel sad at the same time. He looked so happy to be in Aaron's arms. 
No words seem adequate enough to express my heartfelt love and concern for you. As I read your post I was struck by the reality that grief is like an onion with its many layers. It can be quite bitter and it lingers in every aspect of our lives. Yet under a refiner's fire it can ultimately become a tender moment in our lives. Now that you have moved into a new home and your life is going in yet another direction it seems as though another layer of grief has been exposed. May it ultimately bring you a bit of healing. Sending my love and daily prayers. Love you ever so much Lisa!
ReplyDeleteLisa, I appreciate your honesty about your feelings. It helps to understand what true grief is like and hopefully I can be more of a help to you and others. I lack the words of comfort you need, but know that you are in my prayers. xx
ReplyDeleteBless you sweet woman...
ReplyDeleteOh darling,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could take away some of your pain.
I wish Aaron was with you and the boys.
I love you.
Love Mum.
xxx
I am so sorry Lisa.. It all seems so bloody unfair frankly (please excuse the language :( To lose a child is supposed to be one of the hardest things to survive. But you had to lose even more in such a short amount of time. Just so unfair and I am so sorry for your huge losses. Hugs to you and the boys.
ReplyDeleteI am usually reading your blog from my phone and don't comment! You are such a great writer and express yourself well. Thank you for your blog Lisa! I am sorry Aaron is not where he should be.
ReplyDeleteYour boys have grown a lot since these pics too!!
:( BIG hugs!
ReplyDeleteWe always think of you and the boys and what a very very hard and heavy load you have been laden with... With all my heart I hope and pray you find increased relief, peace and joy in the days ahead.
ReplyDeleteIm so sorry you cant be with Aaron and Noah. You are strong because you have to be. So I send you extra strength to get through this life. You can and will make it. You are an amazing woman. Probably stronger than you realize. LOVE and HUGE HUGS to you today.
ReplyDeleteTiffany- A grieving mother and friend to you!
Oh Lisa, I am so sorry you have to find a way to wrap your heart around missing both of them. I wish there was a way I could help you carry the ache. I know Heavenly Father knows... and he will stand by you...always.
ReplyDeleteI don't know anything about what you are experiencing but as I was reading this I just kept thinking that this good man who loved his son so much loved all of you that much. I can feel it. I am certain if he could of had the choice to stay, he would have. Knowing that you needed him and Noah was happy in heaven free of his trials. Heaven only knows why the Lord needed both your angels. I also don't know how sorrow works in heaven but I know he sees you, what you are going through and wishes he could hold and comfort each of you again.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I have read anger is a part of grieving and I am sorry you are feeling it. Don't beat yourself up for feeling anger. You're so strong, even when you don't feel it, we see it.
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI have followed your blog since news of your husband's passing reached the states. I check your blog regularly as I am linked to Ashley Sullenger's blog and she has you in her links.
My heart has gone out to you as you have dealt with losing a child AND losing a husband--the 2 toughest losses ever. What leaves me marveling is how. incredibly. STRONG. you. are. Even when you have tough days, you keep your perspective. I hope you truly understand the magnitude to which you have influenced and inspired countless people all over the world with the bravery and faith!!!
A thought that came to me as I read your post--it's SO unfair that you're still here and they are in heaven, but it occurred to me that this is VERY difficult for your sweet husband to handle as well. He is watching all of you from heaven, sees your terrible grief, and can't do much at all about it. I'm sure you and him feel very much the same and he probably feels horribly guilty for leaving you down here to handle all of this alone. Never forget how very, VERY much he loves you and would give anything to be here with you! If given the chance, I know he'd swoop down and take your grief and suffer it for you in. a. heartbeat.
I hope that every once in a while you're able to feel he and Noah's strong spirits. Never forget how A.MA.ZING you are, Lisa! I know you wish God hadn't chosen you to be this strong person, but He did and there are so many wise reasons for it. There are countless blessings awaiting you in heaven--a few in particular by the names of Aaron and Noah. :)
You're NEVER alone and you have the admiration, respect, and prayers of THOUSANDS of us. It would be an honor and a privilege to meet you someday...
Love from Utah (and a fellow Ricks College alumni)
Melissa
I agree- it does seem pretty crappy. One of those life lessons that are unfair and make you say "really"???? You are in my prayers in today, that Aaron and Noah might send you a little pick me up.
ReplyDelete