Friday, 8 March 2013

My Biggest Distractions

Thank goodness for my three boys who keep me going and give me a reason to get out of bed every day. Without them I can't even imagine how much harder things would be right now.  It's crazy that at the same time they are also my biggest challenge right now.  They exhaust me emotionally and physically, but I'm also grateful that they give me a distraction from my own grief a lot of the time.  We are all learning to deal with our grief in different ways.

Kobe is so cute, but so full on at the same time.  He literally tells me about about twenty times a day 'I'm really missing Daddy and Noah'.   He is so sad and so angry a lot of the time.  The placid, easy going Kobe is long gone and things that would be a little thing before, now make him turn into a screaming, tantrum throwing four year old.  After five minutes or so of kicking, yelling and throwing things he always calms down and always says sorry and then tells me he's missing Daddy and Noah.  He often yells at me 'I'm not talking to you ever again!' and makes me wonder what he's going to be like when he's a teenager!

One day while he was in the middle of one of his tantrums I asked him if he felt angry and he said he did.  He then started crying and said he was angry with Daddy.  It's so crazy to think that a four year old is actually able to articulate why he is angry (or who he is angry with).  I'm finding he is needing a lot of extra attention, cuddles and likes for me to let him know, that I know that he misses Daddy and Noah.

We talk a lot about how it's okay to be angry and it's okay to miss Daddy and Noah because he loves them a lot and that they would be missing him too, but it's not okay to be naughty.  He always feels really sorry for his behaviour, but he just finds it really hard to control his emotions.

I'm so glad that he actually talks about it and lets me know how he feels.  At night when I put him to bed he often says 'I just miss Daddy and Noah so much' and then asks me to sing him a song to help him go to sleep. I will sing him a song and he then looks at me and says 'I'm still missing them'.  If only it was easy as singing a song, to make him feel better.

It seems like there are two Kobes at the moment - the placid, fun, well behaved Kobe or the Kobe who is out of control. There is nothing in between.  Kobe also knows it and sometimes I will say to him 'I'm so happy that you are being such a good boy today' and he will say 'the happy Kobe is back!'.  On the days that he feels happier he is definitely in control of his emotions better.

I don't necessarily want him to not feel sad or angry - I know he needs to go through feeling those emotions before he starts to feel better. I just hope that I can help him to know what to do with those emotions, instead of being so agro and out of control.

Hopefully as time goes on the 'happy Kobe' will be around more and more.

Harri has probably been the easiest to deal with. I'm not sure if it's an age thing or a Harri thing.  He has been really good at talking about how he feels and you always know what mood he is in. If he's having a particularly sad day he will just go quiet and you will find him sitting quietly in the corner sucking his thumb, with Nono under his arm and his blanket wrapped around him.  He has been so good at sleeping in his own bed since moving to the new house.

He has asked a couple of nights if he could sleep in my room again or has been upset in the night, but if I lay in bed with him till he goes back to sleep he is fine and wakes up in the morning so proud of himself that he has slept another night by himself, in his own room.
He is a bit like Kobe where he's a bit more agro than usual, but he is more in control of what he does, than Kobe is.
Jay has also admitted to me that he is angry with Dad, but then says that he also knows that it's stupid to be angry with him, because it's not his fault. For Jay his grief is more physical as he feels physically sick because of it, but he is learning how to deal with it more as time goes on, and I'm really proud of him because I know how hard it has been for him.
I am so glad that all three boys talk to me about how they are feeling.  It's hard to hear and see what they are going through, but I'd much rather that they talk to me about it and go through the grief now, than have to deal with it later on.

It's emotionally and physically draining having to help them deal with their grief all the time. One day one of them may be great, but the next they aren't.   I just feel like there is never a day when everyone is feeling 'okay'.

Because the boys are going through so much themselves, I still feel like my own grief has been put on the back burner.   At times I get really frustrated about it and wonder 'when is it my turn!?' and other times I'm so glad that I have the boys to keep me busy and distracted from my own grief, enough to cope with it just a little bit at a time.


  1. From the outside looking in, you are doing a great job!!! I cannot imagine how hard it must be. We all think we know what it would be like but I just know that it would be soooo different and soooo much harder in real everyday, day after day life. I am really amazed at how you guys present yourselves after so much has happened. I never forget the dream I had about Noah (And I didn't really know him too well, had only said hi to him a few times and rubbed his lovely hair) But it was an amazing dream and he was walking around like it was the most natural thing for him to be doing. Anyway, You are looking like a super mum from where i'm standing. x x

  2. It is hard to seeeing you all go through this tsunami of emotions.
    Grief is a funny thing as in peculiar, it creeps up on us when we least expect it.
    poor Kobe, he must be so confused, and unsure of his emotions, but that sweet gorgeous Kobe is always there.
    harri has surprised me the most, and he is so brave, especially going back to his own room, and Jae is at that age when he needs his Dad more than ever,but he is strong and courageous as well.
    you are all so brave and courageous.
    I am not, I don't think,and I still rage in the privacy of my home or in the car when I have time to think about things.
    it seems we all hit the angry stage around the same time.
    Hold on, it will get better.
    Love Mum.

  3. Lisa,
    Soon the balance of good days will overtake the bad; happiness will overcome the sad. Grief has a sharp way of making us focus as time goes on. Wishing you Godspeed in your journey. And, don't be afraid to let the boys see you "crack" once in awhile - they'll understand.

  4. Wow. I just found you and quickly visited your blog. You are AMAZING!! Your strength and courage surpasses anyone I know. I can't imagine what you go thru, have gone thru and continue to go thru. I will be lifting you up in prayer, that somehow the days get easier and your boys heal. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  5. Such a difficult road you are all traveling. I am keeping you in my prayers, and I think you are doing everything a mom could possibly do for your boys.


  6. I'm sure you did the right thing in moving house. It seems to be exactly what you need but a house move is such a big upheaval, it's no wonder that the boys' emotions are so up and down right now. You are handling the boys so well. I really hope you have a chance to put yourself first -- just for a little while soon. You're doing a great job. xxx

  7. Lisa--You are truly inspiring! I worked with a precious little boy like your Noah. He truly changed my life. When I held him on my lap and looked into his eyes I knew I was in the presence of one amazing spirit. It really is miraculous how these priceless children can communicate so much without uttering a word.

    I am so sorry for all you and your boys are going through. I went through a VERY unexpected divorce. I lost my best friend. Suddenly I found myself going through the motions of raising my children, but aching with an unbelievable ache and every minute screaming inside that this was not how it was supposed to be. I so appreciate the beautiful and open way you share a little of your grief. My heart is tender for you and I pray regularly for your family. I am not the type to comment, but when I read about Kobe and his emotional shifts I was reminded of my son. He was 3 years old when our lives changed so dramatically. At first he seemed okay but within the year I noticed the same behavior--either totally happy or a tantrum throwing wreck. I just kept trying to give words to his emotions, worked a little with a counselor and prayed a lot. I am happy to report that 3 years later he is doing so much better and is my 'sweet boy' most of the time. It seems that at that tender age the tantrums are the only way to fully express their sorrow, anger and confusion. I think you are so right on with how you help your boys work through their grief. I know God and many angels will be attending you and you will all thrive. I am sorry for the excruciating pain now though.

  8. So sorry that the boys are still having a hard time. Do you have a therapist who specializes with children who are grieving who may be able to help the boys in some way and give them help in how they might help themselves get through their anger because of their losses? I can't even imagine what your sweet boys are going through, to first lose their brother and then their Dad in such a short period of time. I know it isn't easy for you either. Some days, we have good ones and then other days when we think we're doing good, we get a punch in the gut and wonder where it came from. It is all part of the grieving process and there is no time limit either. I think of all of you and will keep you in my prayers that you will all find the strength to get through each day. I think you have done wonders with all you have gone through and your boys are very lucky to have you for there Mum. Bless all of you. Shirley from Massachusetts (Becky's aunt)

  9. I agree, it is wonderful the boys feel comfortable expressing to you how they are feeling in the face of all they have had to endure. Says something about their wonderful Mother and your relationships with them for sure.

    Hugs to you all.

  10. It is great that you have open dialogue with your boys about their feelings. But make sure take the time to talk about how you feel too. You're all so lucky to have each other.

  11. I came here from

    Our baby has a similar condition like Noah. The doctors estimate we only have some weeks/months to be with her.

    I clicked on the name Noah because he was the baby in the therapy range of motion pictures. (We have been using those with our baby.) Somehow I still thought he was a baby. He is such an adorable baby! I cried when I read here on your blog that he had passed away. I wish I could have meet him.

    I wanted to say that I admire you and your family. You are a blessing from God to me. I find strength from reading your blog so please keep writing if you can.

    (I don't think it was a coincidence that I clicked on the name Noah. I am also a Mormon, in Texas.)

    Thank you for writing.

  12. To 'anonymous' who commented above - please email me at I would love to talk to you more about your baby with hydran. I know a few other LDS families in Texas who also have much older children with hydran. It would be great to get you in contact with them - they are all lovely and friends of mine via the net :)
    There is also a Facebook group that is a great support if you would like to join it. Just type in hydranencephaly in Facebook and it'll come up.
    Please don't believe everything the doctors have told you. I was told that Noah would only live for around four years and he passed away when he was ten.


We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...