I Thought Of You Today

A lovely friend sent me a message during the week, with a beautiful poem she had written for me. I didn't even know she was so talented till now!  I read it with tears streaming down my face, but they were happy and sad tears at the same time.

There were happy tears because I knew she understood how I'm feeling. She understands how I'm still feeling, even eighteen months later, even though I may have a smile on my face.  She understands how I am feeling even though I know that I will be with them again and know where they are. That makes it easier, but it doesn't take away the pain that I feel every day.

And sad tears because I still can't believe it's real.  I still can't believe that this is my life and that my boys are gone.

Thank you for writing such a special poem for me.  It means a lot to know that you think of me every day.

I had a little smile when I thought about posting this and knowing that people from the USA would be reading it.  Some phrases that you consider to be swearing there, aren't swearing at all here. I quickly learnt that when I lived there :)

I thought of you today…. I think of you everyday.

I wanted to knock on your door. But I walked away.

Do you want another visitor? Do you feel like people look and stare?

We don’t do that really, but I want to say. “ I hope you know…. we care.

It’s not fair, to be alone, to raise your earthly boys.

The ache you feel inside your heart,

For the 2 boys you have lost.

How do you manage to smile each day, while carrying the weight of your loss?

I want to hug you (very tight) and say it will be ok.

But you and I both know. It will never feel this way.

Our faith is different in many ways, But also, somehow the same.

To believe in something we can’t see…some people think is insane.

To believe can bring some comfort, but also, immense pain.

How, how, can we ever see. That our loss is someone else’s gain?

Don’t you KNOW that we needed them? That we WANTED them here?

To hold them and to love them and reassure each other of all our fears.

Who the hell is this “ Heavenly being”; that’s takes away what is mine.

How dare they say “ You will meet again…. but only, when it’s time”.

My time is now. I want them now. I hate that they aren’t here.

I loved them…. I love them still. I feel them every day.

Oh how I wish…they were not so far away.

But, as I go to bed tonight. I will say my prayers again.

To pray to something I can’t see. To help me through the night.

To help me get through all the nights and days, that is yet to come.

" Help me, just help us…. To get through our pain.