We Miss You Really Much.

This time last year we were getting ready to head to the beach for Australia Day.  This time last year we were missing Noah so much, but were looking foward to a lovely week away with my family.  This time last year I had no idea that my life was about to change forever.

This time last year I had no idea that Aaron would have the best day ever and would then sit down after going fishing with my brothers and brother in law and would have a heart attack right in front of us. 

This time last year I had no idea that I would be standing at Aaron's grave wondering how it can be real, even a year later.
 
This year has gone so fast, yet the days are so long without him.  I miss him more now than ever and the shock has worn off and I realise that this is it. This is my life and I have to live the rest of my life on earth without my best friend. 

I love Aaron more now than ever before and wish I just had an hour with him to talk to. I want to ask him so many things. I want to know what he thinks about how I am going. I want to know if he is proud of me. I want to know if he is happy with how I'm bringing up the boys without him.  I want to know if he is happy with the decisions I am making on my own....on.my.own.

I wasn't meant to be on my own. I know we will be together for eternity, but I want to be together on earth for another fifty years at least. I want to grow old with him. Eternity is too far away!

I want to go on dates together that we never got to go on when Noah was with us.  I want to talk to him at night about everything and nothing.  I want to listen to him yelling at the sport on TV and laugh at his stupid jokes that he would constantly make.  I want to hear him compaining about how he doesn't want to go back to work after the holidays, but then tell me how much he loves his job when he starts back at work. 

I want to be going to the beach with him right now, because it's Australia Day and that's what you do on Australia Day. You don't die on Australia Day! You shouldn't die on Australia Day.

My Dad told me that today he is going to listen to the Bee Gees album 'One Night Only' because that's what he did last Australia Day after he had heard Aaron passed away. He wasn't with us and he was trying to make sense of it all and he loves that album, so putting it on helped him to think and get his head together.

I often wonder what other people were doing and thinking when they found out. For some reason it helps me. It helps me to know that I wasn't the only one reeling that night.  My friend Simone was supposed to be blogging about her family trip to Port Arthur. Instead she got a phone call from me to tell her Aaron had just died. Instead she had to listen to me tell her and yelled at me 'what are you saying!?'. I wish I was telling her something different to what I was. 

We love and miss him so much and I am so proud of him and the person that he was.  He was an incredible husband, Dad, friend, brother, son and teacher.  He changed his own life and by doing that, he changed other people's lives too.  He taught kids to believe in themselves.  He made school fun. He wanted everyone to know that they were important.   He was passionate about the things he believed in. 

Every time the boys and I hear this song on the radio it makes us think of Aaron and we knew we wanted to use it for a video on the one year anniversary since he passed away.  It reminds us of him because he is a champion to us, but it also reminds us of what he wanted others to believe of themselves. 

As Kobe says we 'miss you Daddy, really much'.