Tuesday 16 April 2013

On My Fridge

When I decided to sell our old house, there was a few things that I ended up having to do which I had put off for over a year.  One was taking things off the fridge that were too hard to take down earlier.  

On our fridge we kept things that were important to us - the gym timetable, Aaron's school timetable so I knew when he was on class or not teaching (as we often rang each other during the day), important phone numbers that we used on a daily basis and a list of Noah's medications.

Aaron and I knew Noah's medications and doses off by heart, and could make up his meds without having to look at the list, but I was always worried that something could happen to us one day (crazy to think about it now when we know what has happened) and no one else would know what he took. 

Often we would adjust the dose of different meds depending on how Noah was.  He had seizures every day but if he was having more than usual we knew the maximum dose of his seizure meds we could give, and would adjust them accordingly.  If he was more constipated than usual then we could adjust the dose of his bowel meds etc.  I was always the one who would make the decisions about changing the doses as I knew Noah's medical needs the best, but this meant that Aaron and I were always talking about the doses of his meds and if anything had changed, as we would take turns preparing his meds for the next 24 hours.

Everytime one of the doses of a med would change, I would retype the list for the fridge.   I was always in a panic that Aaron and I could end up in a car accident together and could be in hospital together (or worse) and someone would have to care for Noah.  I just knew as long as there was an up to date list of his meds on the fridge, then at least some of his medical needs were taken care of.  I hated to think about the possibility of that happening because no one knew Noah like we did and it really worried me how people could cope with caring for him for a long period of time, if that was ever needed.  Thank goodness we never had to worry about it, and the list of meds on the fridge never had to be used by anyone.

It was very handy though to have on the fridge because whenever Noah ended up having to be admitted to hospital, I would just grab the list from the fridge and just hand it to the doctors in Emergency when they would ask me which meds he was on.   It was so much easier to just hand them the list, and they loved it and would go on about how awesome it was that I just had a list to hand over.   I guess it made it a lot easier for them when writing up his medication chart.
  
When Noah passed away I remember getting back home from Hobart and walking into the house and straight away seeing his list of meds on the fridge.  I knew we didn't need it anymore, but there was no way I could take it off the fridge.  It stayed there until the day that we got photos of our house taken for the real estate websites as I wanted the fridge to be bare. 

I also had a script for antibiotics for Noah on the fridge, in case we ever needed them.   Because we knew him better than anyone else, our doctors would allow us to make the decision about when Noah needed oral antibiotics, so we always had a script on hand.  It would often save him having to be admitted to hospital to go on IV antibiotics.  I couldn't bear to throw it away either, until the day that I finally cleaned the fridge off - over a year after Noah passed away.  

I hated having to take these things off my fridge when we moved, and wish they were still on there now.  I wish that I was still adjusting Noah's list of medications. I even hate not having a list of important phone numbers on our fridge anymore.  I used to have to ring the hospital, St Giles, school, the hospital pharmacy, and dieticians constantly.  It's so strange to not be busy with taking care of Noah's needs - even eighteen months later. 

I wish I was busy having to take care of all of Noah's needs and appointments still. 

I wish I was checking Aaron's timetable to see what time I could ring to have a chat during the day. 

I just wish things were so different right now.

21 comments:

  1. I wish you had the phone number for heaven!!!
    Love you.
    Love Mum.
    xxx

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  2. I have been following your blog for sometime. I too lost my "special" daughter 4.5 months ago. Noah and my Lauren were very similar in medical history. I too would give ANYTHING to have her back and to change her extensive list of meds too,take her to endless doctors and therapists, I get it!!! It is like I lost who I am not having to care for her, I have 3 other girls, and they are what keep me going.

    Think of you often and I can't imagine how your heart hurts grieving for you your son and husband.

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    1. I'm so sorry Sharon. I know how much your heart must be missing her right now. Love to you xxxx

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  3. So sorry. I wish they were different also. Always prayihg for you and your family!!

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  4. Ahh, memories of my old fridge growing up.

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  5. I've never commented but as I was finishing reading this last post I happened to look at your sidebar and saw the little poster about jumping in the waves. I want to remind you to keep jumping in the waves! Hang in there.
    much love from st. george utah
    Tara

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    1. Thanks Tara. I will - some days are just harder than others, but that's okay :)

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  6. Oh I really have to remember to not read your blog while I'm at work, it makes me so upset! Hope you start to feel a little better soon xx

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    1. Thank you Kris. I keep saying I need to buy some waterproof mascara but keep forgetting until its running down my face! Xx

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  7. Lisa, I wrote a comment back in July or so for one of you TFOT articles...I read your blog and cry because I see how much you love your husband. What a great love that is. I also cry because I don't love my husband very much, if at all. My husband is an addict and was in treatment last summer and we find ourselves once again with him in rehab after trying to take his life. I will never understand the complexity of our Heavenly Fathers plan. How is it that your husband was such a joy to you and mine such a burden to me, yet mine is still here with me. I often think that he would be in such peace if he was with his Heavenly Father like Aaron is. It must be that Aaron was such a great man that he was needed on the other side as a teacher or something. I guess mine still as a lot to learn. I also understand the grieving process, for something that isn't going to happen. I will never be able to have the marriage with my husband I so desire or my kids will never have the father they deserve. They grieve too, not understanding what is happening so much of the time. For me, I think it is time to part ways with my current life and create a new one like you have done. I read and am amazed at your spirit and your attention your kids. That is my goal now as well, to focus on them and myself and heal us somehow. Much love to you as I think about your and your boys often and wonder how you are doing. Grateful for the internet and the insight I find. -Samantha Hayes

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    1. Hi Samantha. I remember your comment last year. I'm so sorry that your marriage isn't how you had hoped and dreamed it to be. It's so hard to understand why things happen how they do, and I can only imagine how hard it must be when someone who you once loved is making choices that affects not only them, but others. I hope that the choices you are now making will help you and your kids to heal. It's a hard lonely road, which I know you're already on, but just focus on healing and growing together and hopefully you'll have more sunny days than sad.

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  8. I seriously doubt I could ever find someone better than you and Aaron, the way you looked after Noah and when he was sick and the meds weren't working as well, he thrived on your love to get him through, until he decided when it was time. I saw a black van like your old one the other day and I looked after it SO wistfully, my heart twisting and stomach dropping as I wished it was back to those days again. XX xxxx

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  9. I think you are such an incredible person! I've been following your blog for some time. You are such an inspiration to me. Isn't it true that we are so happy when we are serving others. You are such a fabulous mother!

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    1. Thank you for your kindness Amanda. I'm just a Mum like everyone else - tired and cranky a lot of the time, but love my boys and would do anything for them :) xxxx

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  10. A beautifully touching post. I wish you all the best in the future. :)

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We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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