A number of times each day I hear 'I'm 'weally' missing Daddy and Noah' from Kobe. If he is upset over anything, it always turns back to 'I'm missing Daddy and Noah!'. He goes through periods when he's really angry and he just kicks, and hits and screams at all of us, which is so stressful but probably a good thing, because at least he's expressing how he's feeling.
Some days when we go to the cemetery he says he is too sad to get out and chooses to sit in the car and wait for me. Other times he will get out and just sit quietly at Aaron and Noah's graves without saying anything. It makes me sad that a four year old heart, has to be so sad already.
When he's really sad he often asks me to sing him a song at bedtime. Whenever I ask him what he wants me to sing it's always 'I'm a Child of God'. I will sing it and then he looks at me and says 'I'm still 'weally' missing Daddy and Noah', like he thought me singing to him would just take those feelings away, but it hasn't.
One night Kobe was feeling particularly sad, but the next morning he was so happy. He never gets out of bed on his own, but always calls out to me and I go and jump in his bed with him before he gets up. He called out to me and I went into his room and he said 'I had a dream about Daddy last night! He was fishing with me'. I told him how nice that sounded and then he looked at his photo next to his bed and exclaimed 'that's the dream I had!'. He was so happy about it.
I feel sad to know that Kobe probably won't really remember Aaron and Noah as he gets older. My brother Daniel passed away when I was six years old and I can hardly remember anything about him. I remember a couple of different things that happened on particular days, but I mostly remember the day that he died. It's crazy how the mind holds onto certain memories.
As much as I wish that Kobe would be able to really remember Aaron and Noah, rather than just relying on photos and videos to jog his memory, I'm also glad that he was young enough to really have what happened go over his head. Luckily he was asleep when Aaron passed away because it was scary enough for Jay and Harri to see a little bit of what happened.
I hated having to tell him in the morning that Daddy had died, but he was too young to really get it and just said 'oh!? Are my cousins still here?' and was happy to just get up and go and play with them. I'm so glad that he has happy memories of fishing with Aaron the day before he died, and not scary ones of the moment he died. Hopefully he'll have a lot more dreams of Daddy that will help him feel like he's still close by.