Tuesday, 23 April 2013

I'm still 'weally' missing Daddy and Noah

A number of times each day I hear 'I'm 'weally' missing Daddy and Noah' from Kobe.  If he is upset over anything, it always turns back to 'I'm missing Daddy and Noah!'.  He goes through periods when he's really angry and he just kicks, and hits and screams at all of us, which is so stressful but probably a good thing, because at least he's expressing how he's feeling. 

Some days when we go to the cemetery he says he is too sad to get out and chooses to sit in the car and wait for me.  Other times he will get out and just sit quietly at Aaron and Noah's graves without saying anything.  It makes me sad that a four year old heart, has to be so sad already.
When he's really sad he often asks me to sing him a song at bedtime. Whenever I ask him what he wants me to sing it's always 'I'm a Child of God'.  I will sing it and then he looks at me and says 'I'm still 'weally' missing Daddy and Noah', like he thought me singing to him would just take those feelings away, but it hasn't.
One night Kobe was feeling particularly sad, but the next morning he was so happy.   He never gets out of bed on his own, but always calls out to me and I go and jump in his bed with him before he gets up.   He called out to me and I went into his room and he said 'I had a dream about Daddy last night! He was fishing with me'.  I told him how nice that sounded and then he looked at his photo next to his bed and exclaimed 'that's the dream I had!'.  He was so happy about it.

I feel sad to know that Kobe probably won't really remember Aaron and Noah as he gets older.  My brother Daniel passed away when I was six years old and I can hardly remember anything about him. I remember a couple of different things that happened on particular days, but I mostly remember the day that he died. It's crazy how the mind holds onto certain memories.

As much as I wish that Kobe would be able to really remember Aaron and Noah, rather than just relying on photos and videos to jog his memory, I'm also glad that he was young enough to really have what happened go over his head.   Luckily he was asleep when Aaron passed away because it was scary enough for Jay and Harri to see a little bit of what happened.

I hated having to tell him in the morning that Daddy had died, but he was too young to really get it and just said 'oh!? Are my cousins still here?' and was happy to just get up and go and play with them.  I'm so glad that he has happy memories of fishing with Aaron the day before he died, and not scary ones of the moment he died.   Hopefully he'll have a lot more dreams of Daddy that will help him feel like he's still close by.

19 comments:

  1. You and your boys are always in our prayers, but we will keep Kobe close at heart as we pray each night. Makes me sad to hear that his little heart is hurting so much, but I am so glad he went fishing with Daddy in his dreams. Hope he has more vivid, exciting adventures in his dreams with Daddy and Noah. Love to all of you!

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    1. Thank you Jenny. Hope that your move goes well. xxx

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  2. I had no idea you lost a brother when you were a young girl. Your mother must have (and continue be) a great support for you having traveled that hard road before you. Hugs to you both. And to your darling Kobe.

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    1. Yes my brother Daniel died at the age of 9 months from SIDS. I was 6. I remember it being a very sad and scary time and know that my boys are going through the same thing now, but I hope that as well as sad memories, they'll also have some happy ones. Thank you for your comment. xxx

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  3. I remember my younger siblings when my dad was killed and although they don't remember him at all, any photos that we have create a connection. There are some things that I do remember and some things I don't and I was six years old at the time. For me the things that have helped me remember who my dad was, are people talking about him and what he was like and the photos that we have. All these things keep the memories alive. I think for your children it has been an enormous blessing that they were allowed to be a part of his funeral, we weren't allowed to go to our dad's funeral ...I didn't even get to see my mum after my dad was killed for over 24 hours .. the greatest blessing you have given your children was being there, and having lots of photos and talking about their dad lots. Kobe may not remember his dad completely, but all the little memories will be there. He will never forget because you will keep that memory alive. I think he is very blessed to have you as his mum, you have done a wonderful wonderful job.

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    1. Thank you Lotti. I know it was hard for my boys to see Aaron and Noah's bodies after they had passed away, but I'm so glad that they did. I'm sure it has helped them. xxx

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  4. I have commented on your IG, but never on your blog but this post really touched me. You are an amazing mom and your faith and courage remind me of Emma Smith. You have endured horrible hardships and are still enduring but you seem to always seem to handle it with such grace. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for all of you but I know that because you are such an amazing mom that your boys will never forget their Dad and Noah. I think of you and your sweet boys often and pray that the blessing of families are forever will continue to comfort you. There is a song written about Emma Smith and everytime I hear it I think of you. It is called Never Had an Ordinary Day. Anyway, your boys are lucky to have you as their mom and you have been blessed with some pretty amazing and courageous boys! My prayers are with you all as you pave this new path.

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    1. Wow -that's a huge comparison! Thank you though - that means a lot. I'll have to download that song - I haven't heard it. I am blessed to have my boys who are very courageous that's for sure. xxx

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  5. Oh Lisa,
    That blog made me feel so sad for Kobe.
    I have a huge lump in my throat.
    I see a lot of Aaron in him.
    What a happy day it will be when you and the boys are reunited with Aaron and I will hold Daniel in my arms again.
    What a happy day that will be.
    Love Mum.
    xxx

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  6. What a tender mercy for him to have that dream. Just what he needed when he needed it. Two years ago I had a traumatic experience and after a certain period of time passed I just could not handle it. That same night I had a dream involving exactly the person involved. It was a good & happy dream and I am so grateful I had it. It was the beginning of a healing process for me. It's sweet that he had that blessing that brought him so much joy.

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    1. Isn't it amazing how dreams can help us. I've been having a lot of dreams with Aaron in them - they are always nice and sometimes I'm telling him he died, and other times it's that he hasn't died at all. I'm glad your dream helped you
      xxx

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  7. Oh I hope he has many wonderful happy dreams as I hope all of you do too. xx

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  8. i am sure that you will keep both Aaron and Noah alive to all the boys Lisa....so many wonderful captured memories ..starting right here on your blog ...

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    1. Thanks goodness I started my blog all those years ago hey :)

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  9. Lots of love for Kobe, and ofcourse for you and you're other boys.
    Dineke, from the Netherlands.

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  10. Lisa, my heart aches for Kobe. So young to try to understand the death of his brother and his Dad. I hope he has more nice dreams about his Dad and about Noah, too. I've only had a couple of dreams about my David since he passed away. I miss him terribly but wouldn't want him back and suffer the way he did. I know that he is at peace. We were married for 30 years--not long enough! You are amazing in what you have done with your life since Aaron's and Noah's passing. You've been such a wonderful support for your three boys--and there will always be rough days but hopefully there will be more good and happy days. Does Kobe have any professional person who has dealt with small children who have had a loss as great as your boys to talk to and try to help him through his grieving? I love reading your blog and catching up on what the four of you are doing. Loved the post about the Hawks and the way the boys were dressed--Way to go!!
    Shirley from Massachusetts (Becky's aunt)

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  11. {hugs} I'm crying (again) because you're right, no four year old heart should have to feel such sadness. Kobe should have his dad and his brother here, but God had other plans. Your strength is amazing. God bless you all xx

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We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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