I had heard that the second year after someone passes away is often harder, but I still wasn't really expecting things to be so hard right now. Right now it's the hardest it has been and I feel like the grief is really hitting hit me head on.
Some days I think about how different my life is now. Eighteen months ago I was continually watching the clock so I knew when to give Noah his next med or feed. I was getting up in the night to turn him in bed so he didn't get pressure sores. I was doing physio with him every day. I was waiting for him to get home from school off the bus, wondering what kind of day he had. I was talking to Aaron about what we should do about a new treatment he was having, and deep down I knew that he was getting tired and probably wouldn't be with us much longer.
I would have it all back if it meant he was still here. We miss him so much. Our grief for Aaron has definitely taken over and I feel angry and frustrated that I haven't had the chance to even grieve properly for Noah, because Aaron died so soon after he did.
Tonight the boys and I took eighteen balloons up to the cemetery to release. When we pulled up there were a few other people visiting graves nearby. One was a lovely older man who I often see visiting his wife's grave, which is very close to Aaron's. I met him at the cemetery just a day or two after Aaron's funeral. He was keen to have a chat and asked how I was doing. I knew he would understand and told him how hard things are right now, and told him how I was surprised that things are actually harder as time goes on, not easier. He smiled and gave me that knowing nod and said he knew what I meant.
He asked me how the boys were going and asked them if they were 'looking after their Mum'. I laughed and told him they were good boys, but they were also my biggest headaches :) When we got the balloons out of the car, he asked me if it was a special occasion, and I told him it was eighteen months since noah died, so we wanted to bring eighteen balloons up for him as we released balloons at his funeral.
When the boys let the balloons go tonight Kobe said 'bye Noah' which reminded me of his funeral when all the kids let their balloons go and they said the same thing.
Kobe is really struggling a lot at the moment. He talks about Aaron and Noah a lot, but when I talk about them he says 'I don't like it when you talk about Daddy and Noah as it makes me miss them'. A couple of weeks ago I bought him some new pyjamas with a monkey on them and he loved them, but the next day he started crying and said 'I think Noah would like these pyjamas Mum. You shouldn't have bought them for me because he makes me think about him'.
Tonight before bed he wanted me to read him a book that I gave him for Christmas called 'I Love Monkey'. At bedtime he then said 'you shouldn't talk about Noah because now it's made me sad'. It's so hard because he wants to talk about Aaron and Noah all the time, but then gets upset whenever we do because he just misses them so much.
This time eighteen months ago Aaron and I were washing Noah's body as it was just a couple of hours after he had passed away. It was the hardest day of our life (at the time - I never imagined I would have a harder day, but I was so wrong) but after he had passed away we felt so much peace. We knew that we did all we could for him and had no regrets. We knew where he was and although our hearts were broken, we also felt a lot of peace.
I still feel at peace but it doesn't stop me wishing he was still here and that things were different. I wish we could go back just eighteen months and one week ago, to just before Noah got sick and ended up in ICU. Back to when our life was busy and stressful, but wonderful and just how we wanted it to be. How different things are now.