Monday, 8 April 2013

18 Months

Today it is eighteen months since Noah passed away.  That's just crazy to me. I have no idea where the last eighteen months have gone.  I hate that it's been so long since he was here with us. I hate it because eighteen months sounds like a long time, yet it feels like it just happened yesterday. 

I had heard that the second year after someone passes away is often harder, but I still wasn't really expecting things to be so hard right now.  Right now it's the hardest it has been and I feel like the grief is really hitting hit me head on.

Some days I think about how different my life is now.  Eighteen months ago I was continually watching the clock so I knew when to give Noah his next med or feed.  I was getting up in the night to turn him in bed so he didn't get pressure sores.  I was doing physio with him every day.  I was waiting for him to get home from school off the bus, wondering what kind of day he had.  I was talking to Aaron about what we should do about a new treatment he was having, and deep down I knew that he was getting tired and probably wouldn't be with us much longer. 

I would have it all back if it meant he was still here.  We miss him so much.  Our grief for Aaron has definitely taken over and I feel angry and frustrated that I haven't had the chance to even grieve properly for Noah, because Aaron died so soon after he did. 

Tonight the boys and I took eighteen balloons up to the cemetery to release.  When we pulled up there were a few other people visiting graves nearby.  One was a lovely older man who I often see visiting his wife's grave, which is very close to Aaron's.  I met him at the cemetery just a day or two after Aaron's funeral.   He was keen to have a chat and asked how I was doing.  I knew he would understand and told him how hard things are right now, and told him how I was surprised that things are actually harder as time goes on, not easier.  He smiled and gave me that knowing nod and said he knew what I meant.

He asked me how the boys were going and asked them if they were 'looking after their Mum'.  I laughed and told him they were good boys, but they were also my biggest headaches :)   When we got the balloons out of the car, he asked me if it was a special occasion, and I told him it was eighteen months since noah died, so we wanted to bring eighteen balloons up for him as we released balloons at his funeral.

When the boys let the balloons go tonight Kobe said 'bye Noah' which reminded me of his funeral when all the kids let their balloons go and they said the same thing.
Kobe is really struggling a lot at the moment.  He talks about Aaron and Noah a lot, but when I talk about them he says 'I don't like it when you talk about Daddy and Noah as it makes me miss them'.  A couple of weeks ago I bought him some new pyjamas with a monkey on them and he loved them, but the next day he started crying and said 'I think Noah would like these pyjamas Mum. You shouldn't have bought them for me because he makes me think about him'.  

Tonight before bed he wanted me to read him a book that I gave him for Christmas called 'I Love Monkey'. At bedtime he then said 'you shouldn't talk about Noah because now it's made me sad'.  It's so hard because he wants to talk about Aaron and Noah all the time, but then gets upset whenever we do because he just misses them so much.
This time eighteen months ago Aaron and I were washing Noah's body as it was just a couple of hours after he had passed away.  It was the hardest day of our life (at the time - I never imagined I would have a harder day, but I was so wrong) but after he had passed away we felt so much peace. We knew that we did all we could for him and had no regrets.  We knew where he was and although our hearts were broken, we also felt a lot of peace.

I still feel at peace but it doesn't stop me wishing he was still here and that things were different.  I wish we could go back just eighteen months and one week ago, to just before Noah got sick and ended up in ICU.  Back to when our life was busy and stressful, but wonderful and just how we wanted it to be.    How different things are now.


  1. I'm sorry its harder for you Lisa. I don't know how to lighten the grief except to remind you that I love you. xx

    1. Love you too Leona - wish I could lighten the load for you too :) xx

  2. I am so sad and sorry for you and your boys. Writing about it is probably good therapy, but nothing mends a broken heart (or four of them). Just know that this complete stranger cares!

  3. I'm so sorry. Sometimes I think about you and then Noah and my breath catches in my throat as I imagine having to make such hard decisions for your little boy and that while there is peace, the heartache must be so heavy. When I think of Aaron too, I can hardly breathe as I imagine losing my own. I don't know how to say what I feel. I'm just so sad and upset and frustrated for you. In the same instant, I'm so proud of you and laughing when you and the boys are so goofy and so happy whenever there are smiles. And every day, I pray for you to have the strength to carry on and be there for your boys. I pray you will all have peace and feel joy. I don't know how to express these things without sounding creepy or something, but I know that I'm not the only one who is cheering for you, and in a (very) small way, sharing your grief halfway around the world. Mourning with those that mourn. If I could only comfort you as well. :(

    1. Not creepy at all :) Thank you so much for your kind words. It really does mean a lot to know that so many peopl are thinking of us. xxx

  4. Poor little Kobe. It breaks my heart that he is struggling so much too. Hugs to you all.

  5. My heart breaks for you and your precious boys. Its not fair. Its just not fair. Too much heartache for one family. I have a 3 year old son with a terminal disease and one day, I will just walk in part of your shoes. I cry everyday at the thought of losing my baby, and I cannot imagine how I will live without him. I couldn't imagine having that pain doubled. I wish I could take some of your pain. I just heard a message while driving in the car about the greater the affliction in this life, the greater the glory for Eternity. They say that this suffering now is not worth comparing to the glory to come. While I believe that wholeheartedly, I hate that this was the lot given to our family, and my heart is crushed to know that your pain doesn't even touch ours. Always praying for your precious family. I cannot wait to see you and your boys be honored in Heaven for all of your trails. And I can't wait to see precious Noah, whole, healed and playing!!

    1. Thank you so much Krissy. Wow - I like that! I hope it's true. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Treasure every day. Take photos, photos and more photos. Take lots of video. Make memories and treasure every moment. xx

  6. I know we are strangers to each other but as a mother I feel your pain. Loosing a child is heartbreaking and it is not a pain that any parent wants to feel.

    Sending you a BIG friendly hug to show my support. I wish that I could take your pain away and fill your heart with happiness and peace.

    From Susan McGuire in Sydney xxxooo

  7. So sorry to hear you feeling so low Lisa. You have soldiered on so admirably these past 18 months with all you have been through. Wish I could take some of that pain away.

    1. Thanks Amy. I knew it would hit me sometime and I think it's good that it has, but it's also very hard.

  8. I wish we could go back to the day before the Sat Noah went into ICU. The big gym class we did and then on the way out talking about the junk food we were going to buy for the grand final the next day.......

    and then just 6 days later walking in the rain outside the Royal Hobart with you, reeling from it all and getting wet but not noticing.

    Oh how he would have loved those balloons all bright and colourful like at his funeral.

    It's crazy to think Aaron isn't here walking through this grief of Noah with you, but yet he still is.

  9. I hope you can feel the love and prayers from all over the world. People like myself who have never met you, but feel a closeness to you as you share your tender feelings. You are a strength to me. You help me appreciate every day. I know Heavenly Father is so proud of you. The way you have persevered this terrible time. Things WILL GET BETTER. I know they will. You can handle this. You already have. You are strong.
    HUGS from Florida, USA.

    1. Thank you so much Mali. I appreciate your thoughts and comment. xxx

  10. The King Family,
    Grief is just so hard and a life long process im not looking forward to. I cant imagine losing my child and then my husband just months after. know you husband i carrying you from the other side. Parenting is real from heaven. I believe this. I pray for you to continue to feel peace and to have courage to raise your boys. Its not fair and i am so sorry for your double broken heart. I know we are given trial to make us stronger and refine us into the best person we can become. You are beautiful and getting stronger by the minute. This life is but a twinkle compared to the eternities we get to spend with our families. I cant wait.

    Praying for strength, courage and anything else you need to make it through one more day...
    Love you.
    Tiffany Hebb-a grieving mother and friend

  11. Dear Lisa,
    actually i wanted to say: its so nice to read your blog, because it makes me be grateful for every day, i don't have to feel so much pain! But, it feels so wrong.
    I wish, I could do anything to help you, to make it a little bit easier for you. But I know that I can't. And that makes me sad.
    Hope, you understand a little of my weird english! :O)
    Thinking of you often, an wishing you all the best.
    Love, from Germany

  12. I just wanted to let you know that even though I'm a stranger, I think of you and your family often.

    I often want to say something to you because it is obvious that you are all grieving your lose very deeply, but I honestly don't know what I could say that would bring any comfort. The thought that all of you could be grieving in different ways for different people at different times seems like an impossible thing to deal with.

    Sometimes you are going to have it all together. Other times, you'll just be doing the best you can at that given time - that's okay, too.


  13. I wish words could take some of your pain away, Lisa. I was teary reading this and felt so sad that little Kobe is dealing with so much. I will always admire how brave, honest, strong, and inspiring you are. Praying that peace will calm your heavy heart (and the boys too). xx


We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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