Dear Aaron/2013

Hi Honey.  I can't believe it has already been a year since I wrote my last letter to you.  When I read what I wrote last year, it hit me how even though quite a few things have changed in our lives this year, things are still very much the same.

They say that time heals, but I still feel just like I did a year ago.  In some ways things are a little easier, but in other ways things are actually harder.   I feel like I can focus on other things more, instead of having every thought in my head being that you died, but my heart is so broken and empty and I don't know how I'm ever going to feel better without you and Noah here.

I miss the big things, and the little things like having you here to chat to at night. I miss putting my legs up over yours when we would watch TV together.  I miss asking you to get me something from the kitchen, and knowing that you would complain about it, but would get up and do it anyway.  I miss having cravings for KFC at night and knowing that you would put on your clothes at 10.30 pm and go out and get me some potato and gravy, because you would do anything to shut me up and make me happy :)  I miss your stupid jokes and the stories you would tell me after work.  I miss the way you would pick on me to make the boys laugh. I miss the way you would rub Noah's legs and call him Monkey to make him smile. 

I still feel you around at times, but I wish I could feel you more.  I wish I could see you and just talk to you once.  I wonder if you know everything that has happened this year?  I'm so over people telling me that I need to move on.   I'm not stupid and I know you aren't coming back, but I don't even know what moving on means.  I'm so lonely but I don't want to be with anyone else, ever.  I just want you.   I can't just say 'okay, I'm over it now...I'm moving on' and just be happy.    I feel like I am moving on the best way that I know how.  So much has happened this year and I've made so many huge decisions to try to 'move on' without you, the best way that I can figure out how.  

When I think about what we have done this year, I still can't believe it myself. I made the hardest decision of my life, on my own and sold our beautiful new house that we built together.  It broke my heart, but also helped it to heal too as I couldn't live there anymore, without you and Noah.

We were so blessed to find a beautiful new home.  We love our new home and it has helped me to move, but it doesn't take any of the grief away.  It just means that I now look forward to being home, rather than dreading it.

I've have had lots of lovely holidays and special times with the boys this year.  It's always so nice to do something special, and it helps to have something to look forward to, but once we are back home, reality always hits again.

Have you seen how I've really gotten into the footy!?  I can't believe it myself and am shocked that I know more about the players, than when you were here!  I hope it makes you happy that Harri and Kobe love it more than ever too.  You would've freaked with all the stuff we got to do this year with Hawthorn.  Did you see Harri run through the banner with the team!? According to Harri it was the best day of his life, and it was one of the best days of mine too, to see his dream come true.

Did you see me toss the coin before the game!?  I was so nervous because I had to shake Hodgey's hand, and knew that you would be just as excited about it as I was.

We were so excited about having a personal tour of the Hawthorn rooms in Melbourne and feel very blessed to have done it, but we know we wouldn't have gotten to do any of it, if you and Noah were still here.  We would happily trade to have you both here.


Did you see Kobe go to school for the first time? He has absolutely loved Kinder and had the best year.  He was so excited about going to school and made lots of friends.  I wished so much that you were here to see him dressed up in his uniform and to hear his funny stories after school.  He is so excited about going to Prep next year and I'm sure he's going to keep his new teacher so busy, because he never shuts up!   I'm so glad that we decided to have another baby, because he makes us laugh every day, but some days I want to strangle him too! :)

Did you see what a great year Harri had at school?  He loved his teachers so much, and has grown up and changed so much this year.  He stopped taking Nono everywhere with him, and is so proud of himself.  He did amazing at school and got really good marks, and wants to do his best all the time.  His teacher told me that he is such a good boy and wants to help her all the time.  I need to be reminded of that sometimes, because at home he can drive me crazy at times with his bossing Kobe around and arguing with Jay.  I know he's a great kid really, it's just that my patience is very tested being on my own now.

I know you would be proud of Jay, as he struggled so much last year.   He has really tried hard this year to catch up at school because he missed so much last year, and is doing really well even though he is disappointed with himself.  Having a broken arm didn't help at all.
I told him how proud I am of him and that you would be too, and that he is doing amazing considering his brother and Dad 'just' died.  I'm very lucky that he's such a good boy and such a great help at home, but I have to remind him that he doesn't have to worry about a lot of things, that he stresses about.  I guess it's hard not to when you are the oldest in the family and your Dad is no longer here.

I know it has almost been two years, but it still feels like it's only just happened and I am always telling the boys how proud I am of them and how proud you would be of them, because even though they are so sad and miss you and Noah so much, they are also doing so well considering what they've been through.

Did you see how low I got during the year? I have learnt that no matter what you believe or do, sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop being depressed.  I have always been such a positive person and I guess I still am, but there was no way that I could think, eat, exercise, or pray my way out of the way I was feeling.  I know because I tried for probably six months to deal with it myself and I couldn't.  I'm so glad that even though I'm extremely sad, that I now feel like I can function again and can feel something again.

Did you know that I resigned from my job as a Teacher Aide at Noah's old school and started teaching again!?  After selling the house, it was the second scariest decision I've had to make without you.  I really doubted whether I could do it after having fourteen years at home, but it was the best thing I could've done.  I loved teaching again and even though I have a lot to learn, it feels natural to teach and I know it's what I need to do.   Every day I was at work, all I could think about how much you loved teaching and how you used to tease me about teaching Kinder and Prep and how doing 'finger painting isn't real teaching'.  I'm sure if you saw Kobe's Kinder class you would think twice about saying that now :)

Can you believe that I finally caved and got a dog!?  I have no doubt that you would be laughing about it and also loving it as you always wanted one.   Getting Milly has been the best thing for the boys, but I still have a love/hate relationship with her. She's a lovely dog, but I'm still not an animal person and hate having to worry about what to do with her if we want to go away.  It's nice seeing the boys smile again though and to feel like we have an extra 'person' in the family as our family just seems way too small without you and Noah.

I miss Noah so much and finally feel like I've been able to separate the grief I have for both of you in some ways.  I sometimes hear a noise and for a split second I think it's Noah yelling and then my heart drops as I remember that he's not here.  It's hard to believe that he would've been leaving grade six this year.  It was so sad and hard to see all of the kids that he used to go to school with, finish Primary School.  Some of those kids were so kind to him at school and I'll never forget the way they treated him. 

I always imagine that you two are together all the time, but don't know if that's true. I wish I could just see both of you and to see what Noah is like now.

Did you see that I spent lots of time up at your school this year, taking photos of different things for the school?  I always love going up there because it makes me feel closer to you, but I'm so sad that your grade has now left grade ten, and only one more grade of students know who you are.  I don't think I will want to spend time at the school as much after they leave, because it just won't be the same.

Did you see me present the memorial awards for you and Noah at both schools this year?   I know you would be happy with the students who won them this year and it's nice that it means so much to them.

Do you see how kind people are to us still?  It's so nice that people realise that it's still so hard.  People do such lovely things for us and it means a lot to me, as it reminds me that although I feel very lonely and alone, that people really do care.
Have you seen the lovely missionaries we have had at church lately?  We have loved them all so much and they are such great examples to the boys and make them smile with their fun and kindness. 

Do you see how much nicer your grave looks now that it has grass?  Do you see the boys fighting when we are the cemetery because they all want to water the grass? I always remind them that you wouldn't want to hear them fighting, but they don't seem to care ;)

Do you see what great friends we have, and how much they miss you too?

It's hard to believe that it has almost been two years since you were here with us.  It's so hard to be at the end of the first year that you weren't here with us.  It's hard going into another year knowing that we are moving further away from you and Noah, but I try to remind myself that we are actually getting closer to when we will be back together again.

Although I feel like we are still grieving so much for you and Noah, I can see on the boy's faces the we are doing okay.    It can be so hard to explain to people how hard it still is, even when we have smiles on our faces.   We are smiling more, but my heart still feels so broken and empty without you and Noah here.

Our family just isn't right without the two of you with us.   Please help me get through another year without you.