I've heard many times the expression that 'time heals' and I've heard other people say that time doesn't heal, but you just learn to adapt to the loss of someone. I'm not sure how I feel about either expression. I do believe that time heals in some ways because if it didn't then I would never get out of bed and I never want to go back to the early days after Aaron and Noah passed away, but I also believe that you will never ever be the same person again. So I guess that it's true that you do learn to adapt.
I've learned to hold in my emotions at times when I knew I just needed to get through the day. But I've also learned that I can't always control those emotions, and there are times when I have no idea why it's an extra hard day, or why I feel like crying at the supermarket checkout today, when yesterday I was coping okay.
When Noah and Aaron passed away Jalen was only 12. He was still a boy and we often laugh about a video that he has on his Nintendo DS of him talking to Aaron, as his voice is so young. Now when he talks he sounds like a man, and I often think someone has come to visit, but then realise it's just Jay talking!
When Aaron passed away Jay was just becoming interested in superhero movies and Aaron had promised to take him to see Avengers when it came out in 2012. I still remember how upset Jay was that he couldn't go with him to the movies. He was of course upset that he had passed away, but for years he would always mention how one of the hardest things is that he didn't get to do those kinds of things with Aaron. Instead I ended up taking him to see it and although he loved going, I know it was so bitter sweet for him as he wished Aaron was there to take him.
When Avengers Ages of Ultron came out last month Jay couldn't wait to see it. He was so excited that he went to it on opening night with two of his friends, and then we all went to see it again the following night. I love seeing the difference in Jay from then to now. He will never be the 'old Jay' again because he's grown up into a young man, but it's so nice to see the light back in his eyes and to see him enjoying life again, even though he misses Aaron and Noah every day.
When he brought home his school photo last month it really hit me how far he's come. Grade 7 was a terrible year for him. His Dad and brother had just died which would've been hard enough, but he had just started high school and didn't enjoy it at all. He looked so tired and pale for about a year, and just got through each day because he had to. Now he's bubbly and chatty and enjoys school. It's so nice to see the change in him physically and emotionally.
For Jay I can see that time has helped him to heal, but he will never be the same Jay because he's grown up so much and also experienced so much in his short life. I wish that Aaron was here to talk about superhero movies with him and so they could see them together. I have no doubt that Aaron would be proud of the young man he's turned out to be.