Tuesday, 18 February 2014

I'm never going to stop missing Daddy

At the end of last year things were pretty settled for all of us.  The boys were all happy at school and dealing with their grief really well.  School holidays changed things a lot, and even a few weeks into school, Harri and Kobe are still really struggling a lot with their grief.   Bed time is really hard and there are lots of tears,  and both boys want to sleep in my room.

Harri has been feeling so anxious lately and last night he came out of bed crying, saying that he doesn't want anyone else to die in our family, and if I died then he would be really, really sad and would have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa (don't take it personally Mum and Dad :).

I literally hear from Kobe 'I miss Daddy so much' about twenty times a day.  We always have a cuddle and a talk about it, and he goes off and comes back about half an hour later saying 'I'm still really missing Daddy! When am I ever going to stop missing Daddy and Noah?'.  

Because Kobe has been so sad lately, he keeps coming to me saying 'I'm never, ever going to stop missing Daddy and Noah' and just seems so down that he's not feeling any better.  The other night when I put him to bed he cried and said 'I miss Daddy so much, but I can't really remember what he sounds like'.  Some nights he is just so sad that I just let him sleep in bed with me.
One day he came home from school saying how much he was missing Daddy.  The next day he came home and told me he wasn't missing Daddy that day, but he kept seeing Noah's garden at school and it made him think of him, and now he was missing Noah. 

Harri has been so sad, and coming out of bed every night crying.  Just after Noah passed away he started sleep walking a lot.  As things settled down the sleep walking stopped, but he has started sleep walking again.  He comes into my room and says weird things, and I tell him to get into bed with me and the next morning he wakes up and can't remember how he got there. 

He has become quite anxious about things that never bothered him before, and doesn't want to get out of the car at the cemetery.
The boys have been hanging out for 'Rainbows' to start up again at school, as it helped them both so much last year.  Rainbows started again today and last night Harri asked me if it was okay to cry when he was at Rainbows, because last year he felt like crying sometimes but he was trying to be brave.  I told him that crying was a good thing and that he could cry if he felt like it and that the lady who ran Rainbows wouldn't mind at all.

I reminded Kobe yesterday that Rainbows was starting and he said 'oh great! I can't wait for Rainbows because it will make me stop missing Daddy'.  I asked him how it stops him missing Daddy and he said 'because we talk about that our Dads have died'.    After school today he was so disappointed that he went to Rainbows, but was still feeling sad. 

I reminded him that he was going to miss Daddy all the time, but he wouldn't always feel so sad and hopefully he will start to feel happier again soon.


  1. So many hurt little hearts to hold, Lisa. Good thing your bed is big enough for all of you. When you said that it is literally 20 times a day that you hear that Kobe misses daddy, I "got it" on a new level. That is so intense. I see there are so many new stages of grief to pop up, unknowingly. Somehow, with the grace of God, you have what it takes to love these little hearts and souls through this all. Even when you think you fail at it, you're not. You are an awesome mother. I wish we lived closer to each other (can you say complete opposite sides of the planet? I'm in Israel), so I could be there for you, and we could hang out. Anyway, keep on truckin'. You are doing a great job in unimaginable circumstances. Your kids can openly talk to you, that is awesome. You will all heal, with time. Oh, and also, when Kobe said that he doesn't remember Aaron's voice very well any more, wow, that hit me right in my heart. I can't imagine how that must hurt the little guy. Give him an extra hug from some anonymous blogger from Israel, OK? lots of love to you.

  2. So heartbreaking when Kobe said that he forgets what his daddy sounds like. How heartbreaking for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

  3. I'm so sorry that things are so difficult for your family at the moment. I've been reading for a few years but I don't think I've ever commented. You're in my prayers.


  4. I'm so sorry that things are so difficult for your family at the moment. I've been reading for a few years but I don't think I've ever commented. You're in my prayers.


  5. Aw, breaks my heart. It would be so hard helping kids deal with emotions they don't understand (It's not like adults do either) but so rough. Thinking of your sweet family!

  6. I've been reading for so long but I never comment, I don't know way, because I always think about you and your boys. I'm always praying for you, for your boys.

  7. Grieving a loved one, especially at a young age, is so hard. I lost my sister when I was 18, and I never thought the pain would lessen, and it was even harder on my younger siblings who didn't really know how to deal with it...but over time, the sting has lessened for all of us, and the hope and knowledge of seeing her again fills each of us with so much happiness. I know your boys will someday experience the same thing. They will always miss their sweet daddy and brother, but the pain and ache will slowly dissipate. ....Thinking of you and your darling family.


We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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