This morning when I woke up I realised what the date is and that two years ago today was Aaron's funeral. I have been thinking about it all day, but not actually in a sad way, but more just reflecting over the past two years.
My heart is breaking for a beautiful young couple from church, whose three month old baby girl passed away suddenly, a week ago. They are at the beginning of their journey through grief, and I just wish that I could take away their pain. Talking to them this week has really made me realise how far we have come in the last two years.
I remember so clearly the feelings that I had, when I was at the stage they're at right now. I remember wondering how I was ever going to cope and how I would ever feel any joy in my life ever again.
It was so hard back then and it still is, and I've been the lowest I've ever been in my whole life, but after two years I feel like we are doing okay. We are probably doing more than okay.
We are still so sad and my heart just feels so empty without Aaron, but I feel like I am at a stage now where my mind can think about other things. Aaron and Noah passing away aren't the only thing on my mind anymore. It's always there, but I feel like it's pushed to the back more. Some days it comes back to the front, but those days are spreading out more.
I never thought that I would enjoy spending time at the cemetery. I know that it's 'only' Noah and Aaron's bodies there, but it's actually a place we like to visit, and now instead of lots of tears we also have lots of laughs there. There are still tears at times, but there are also smiles. Sometimes we love to just go and sit near Noah's grave and have lunch together.
During the week I received another beautiful necklace in the mail from the lovely Kath at LOVEnCHERISH. She has been so kind and has made me many beautiful necklaces with Aaron and Noah's names on them, and they always come at times that are extra hard. It means so much when people realise that even two years later, it's still so hard. I love that I can keep my boys physically close to me, by wearing their names on my chest.
Even though it's still hard, I'm grateful that two years down the track I can look back and see the many blessings we have in our lives, and can see how far we have come. When Aaron first passed away I felt like I could only cope with an hour at a time. Now I can see that those hours have turned into days. I know that we will still have many more hard days, but I'm glad that those days are getting further apart.
I know I will never be the same person that I was before they passed away as two huge pieces of me are missing, but I hope that we are living our lives in a way that is making them proud.