Being Brave Two Years Later

As the week has gone on and I've been thinking about how today would be two years since Aaron passed away, I couldn't help but have a little smile because only Aaron could die on Australia Day.   It makes sense really as he was so unAustralian at times, and had a sick sense of humour, so I guess it only makes sense that he passed away on Australia Day, and it's also a day that everyone will always remember.

It was nice waking up this morning to lots of messages from people, and to get beautiful flowers, cards and special gifts from family and friends.  It was also lovely to read some beautiful things that his past students had written on Facebook about him.   Yesterday some of the boys that he used to coach footy put up a photo on Facebook, of them visiting his grave.  Seeing these boys at his grave and knowing how much they loved Aaron brings me to tears every time.

Today when we went to visit his grave there were some lovely flowers and one of the boys had written on a ball for him.

The grass is so dry at the cemetery right now, so we gave it a water before we left. 

We usually go to church each Sunday, but with Australia Day falling on Sunday this year we decided to skip church and do what we needed to do, to get through a hard day.  I asked the boys a few weeks ago about what they thought about going to St Helens sometime in the holidays.  Jalen said he would like to go, but Harri straight away said he didn't want to go back there as it would make him too sad because that's where Dad died.

I didn't want to force them to go so I just left it, but he must've thought about it a bit, because when I suggested that we go to St Helens for the anniversary of Aaron's death all the boys said that they wanted to.  Every summer we would go there as a family, and last year was the first year we didn't go, so today was the first time we had been back since Aaron passed away there.

I felt okay driving down, or I thought I was, until I realised that my neck was starting to ache.  Whenever I get stressed the first thing that happens is I get a neck ache.  As we got closer to St Helens my heart started racing a bit and I realised that I wasn't as calm as I thought I was about it.  Luckily I had my sunnies on as I had a few tears as we drove in, but I could hide them from the boys.  I don't mind them seeing me cry, but they were all being so brave about going back, that I didn't want them to get upset too.    After a little cry I actually felt better and my neck stopped aching. I think I just need to cry a bit more!

We headed straight to our favourite beach - Binalong Bay.  We couldn't wait to get there and was so glad that it was such a beautiful sunny day.  It was a lot different to the day that Aaron passed away, which was cold and overcast.  Harri made me laugh as he saw the lifeguards talking to people and asked 'what do the lifeguards talk about with everyone Mum?'.  I told him I didn't know and they were probably just having a chat.  He then said 'you should go and tell them that your husband died two years ago today'.  It made me laugh, and I told him that I didn't think that they would really want to hear that.

The first thing we did was go for a walk to the other end of the beach.
The whole way the boys talked about all the different things they could remember doing with Aaron there.  They kept talking about the time Aaron and Chrish jumped off the rocks, and the times they would play in the waves with him. 



As we were driving and getting closer to St Helens I noticed that Jay was getting really quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he kept saying 'nothing', but I could tell he was upset. I asked him if he was feeling sad and he said he was.  When we first got to the beach he was very quiet and withdrawn. 

He soon cheered up and ended up having a lovely time. 

Harri kept writing 'Dad' in the sand and loved seeing the waves wash it away. 

 After our walk and play on the rocks we had fun playing in the lagoon and jumping in the waves.


It was a bit windy, which meant there were big waves which Aaron would've loved. The boys didn't last for very long as they got cold fast, but the water was surprisingly warm (for Tassie) so I told the boys to sit with their towels around them to get warm, and went back in on my own.   Aaron would've loved it so much and I couldn't stop thinking about him the whole time and how he just should be here with us.  I didn't want to get out of the water as it was just so nice, but dragged myself out as it was getting on in the day and we had to get home. 

After spending time at Binalong Bay the boys said that they wanted to go to the sand dunes.  We had to drive past the house where Aaron passed away to get there, and I reminded the boys of that, but they said they didn't care.  As we drove back through town Kobe spotted the jetty where we used to go fishing a lot with Aaron.  He was so excited and yelled 'that's where we went with Daddy, one day before he died and went fishing!'.  He always talks about the photo he has in his room, which was taken just the day before Aaron passed away.

As we got close to the house where Aaron passed away, an ambulance went passed us and Harri said 'so many memories, and things that are the same Mum'.  The boys didn't seem worried at all when we went past the house and just pointed it out, which was good.  They were just excited to get to the sand dunes. 


They had a great time rolling down to the bottom and climbing back up again....until they got about half way up, and then they kept complaining about how hard it was.


Harri yelled out 'quick Mum!! I have a REAL emergency!! Seriously! There's sand in my eyes!'.  I couldn't stop laughing as he didn't just have sand in his eyes, but all over his face, all through his hair and in his ears. He didn't think it was quite as funny as I did, and told me to stop laughing.

He's a crazy kid. 

It was hard going back, but I knew we were ready for it, and in a lot of ways I think it helped us all.  I told the boys how proud I was of them for being so brave.  We miss our family holidays there so much and just wish we could go back three years and have things how they used to be, when we would spend a week there every summer - all six of us. 

It was lovely to get home to a tea which Alison had made for us, and Harri decided we needed to have Pepsi for Aaron for tea.  The boys did a big 'cheers' for Dad.

It was a sad day, but it was a lot easier than I thought it would be.  I'm glad that we were brave enough to do the trip as it will be much easier going back next time.   Two years ago today, our lives changed forever. Two years seems like a lifetime, but also seems like it was just happened a little while ago.  It's seriously still hard to believe that Aaron isn't here. 

So much has happened in the past two years, and it's crazy to think Aaron hasn't been here for so much. Two years later, there are bigger smiles on our faces and in many ways things are easier, but it's still so hard.  We love and miss him and Noah so much, and hope that we are making them proud, because living without them is the hardest thing we have ever had to do.