Sunday, 18 March 2018

Six Years

On Australia Day it was six years since Aaron passed away.  This year the lead up to the day wasn't as hard as other years, but Facebook memories popping up definitely didn't help.  There were a lot of memories coming up the week before, reminding me of things we were doing before he died.  It's still strange to read those memories and to know what happened just afterwards.  It's kind of like I'm watching a movie and I know it's going to have a sad ending and you don't want to get to the end for it to happen.

I knew that I wanted to make it a fun day as it could be so easy to just feel sorry for myself and let the day overwhelm me, so we planned a beach day and then some fun with family and friends afterwards.
It was lovely to arrive at the beach and see friends from work there, who I didn't know would be there.   The boys had fun playing cricket, and the weather was beautiful.

Simone and her family joined us at the beach and I couldn't stop laughing at Emerson who was loving having some Pepsi for Aaron.


After a few hours at the beach, we headed to Ulverstone as I booked out the waterslide for an hour.  I knew it would be heaps of fun and it was the best way to end the day.  I haven't laughed so much in ages and it was so great to have so many lovely friends and family there.

I have been friends with Pip and Bec since Kindergarten and I love that we are still great friends. They hadn't been to the slide before and I talked them into doing a train with me.  It was hilarious as we absolutely flew down and were screaming the whole time, like we were young again.  The photos make me laugh so much.
It is always so fun to watch everyone come down.   My cousin Simon took some drone footage which I can't wait to see sometime. It was such a fun way to finish off the day.
Afterwards some of us went and grabbed Maccas (Aaron's favourite) and had it back at the park together.
 We didn't get home till dark, so we didn't get to visit Aaron's grave that day, but someone tagged me on Facebook to show me that some of his past students had been to the cemetery that day to visit his grave.  It touched me so much that young guys would take the time and make the effort to do something like that.  It meant so much to me, and showed me how much of an impact Aaron must've made on them if they were still visiting him six years later.

Aaron used to coach their school footy team, and after he passed away they won the Premiership.  At that game they had a big photo of Aaron and they dedicated the win to him.  When I went to the cemetery I saw a photo that they had left there at his grave, which was of the team after their premiership win.  



Six years sounds crazy to me.   It feels like he hasn't been here for a lot longer than that, as I've had to pretty much raise the boys on my own, but then it also feels like it's only been a few years.  I actually find it hard to imagine what life would be like with him here now.  I am so used to being single and doing everything on my own.

I miss the closeness I had with him.  We would tell each other everything, and everything was just so comfortable. We relied on each other, especially as we cared for Noah together.  I really have no one that I talk to about everything anymore and that's hard.  I have great friends and family, but it's not the same as having Aaron here. 

The other day Harri said our life would be so different if Aaron and Noah were still here, and we talked about what we thought would be different.   I know if Aaron was here we wouldn't be living where we are now.  I doubt that I would be an EAL (English as an Additional Language) teacher and wonder if I would even be teaching at all.  Life is good now, as in we are happy and dealing with things quite well, but life will never ever be full of the joy that we had when Aaron and Noah were here with us.

I keep busy and try to create new happy memories with the boys, but always in the back of my mind is that Aaron should be here with us.  It's still really hard being around couples and families, and seeing what we are missing out on.  It's hard having to raise the boys on my own, and know that they rely on me so much emotionally, physically and financially. But then I don't have a choice but to deal with what has happened, and I hope that Aaron is looking down and is happy and proud with how I'm dealing with things. 

It doesn't matter if it's six months, six  years or sixty years.  I'm always going to feel like there's a part of me missing, but the only thing I can do is continue on without him and try to make the best life that we can without him.

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