Monday, 7 September 2015

Father's Day

Father's Day has been on my mind for a while, since it's another one without Aaron and our first one since my Dad passed away in January.   It's hard walking around town and seeing all the Father's Day gift ideas, and card stands and seeing all the ads for Father's Day presents, but this year it didn't hit me as much as it has other years.

It was strange as you would think it would be worse since Dad is no longer here, but I just feel so different about my Dad's death to Aaron's.  Even though I miss him I just feel happy for him that he didn't have to suffer with dementia anymore than he did.  It like Noah's passing - I wish he was here every day and miss him so much, but it would be selfish of me to really want him to be here the same way that he was.

This year Jalen found it hard earlier in the week, but yesterday he actually forgot it was Father's Day until I mentioned it.  At school Kobe's class were making Father's Day cards and his teacher told me she was worried about upsetting him, but said to him that maybe he could make Mum and Dad a card.  Apparently he said 'I don't want to make Mum a card!' and told her he would make Dad one and take it up to the cemetery.  He just says it as a matter of fact now, and didn't seem upset that it was how it would have to be.

When I talked to him about it he said that he wanted to draw a picture of Aaron on the front, but he had forgotten what he looks like. I told him he has photos that can remind him and then he said 'but I don't have photos at school Mum!'.    While I was shopping in town this week I found this t-shirt and knew I couldn't leave it behind. Kobe loves it.
Dad always loved Noah's memorial garden at school, and one of his wishes before he passed away was to go and visit it again. I took him up there and he loved picking some of the roses to take up to Aaron and Noah's graves.  It's been looking really pretty lately with all the spring flowers coming out, so I went and picked the daffodils and we took them to Dad's grave the day before Father's Day.
We still haven't organised Dad's plaque so we had to go through my old photos on Instagram to make sure we had the right grave! One day Mum told me that just after he passed away she went to sit at his grave and was having a bit of a cry, but we realised she was sitting at the wrong grave! It always makes us laugh, so we always make sure we are going to the right one.   
The day before Father's Day was my brother Daniel's birthday. He passed away when he was a baby.  I told Mum we would come out and cook her tea for Daniel's birthday and Father's Day since she's still struggling with a lot of pain with her broken arm.  She was very happy to have a roast and some company, and we made sure we had Pepsi for Aaron and Dad. Dad was never a Pepsi drinker until Aaron passed away, and then he decided he needed to have it for Aaron.

I woke up on Father's Day morning feeling okay.  My friend Simone was sitting at the hospital as her son Oliver had been admitted overnight, so it was nice to be able to go and sit with her for a couple of hours and to have a nice distraction (even though Oliver was sick).  
It's so strange to go back up to the kids ward at the hospital as we spent so much time in there with Noah over the years. It feels like home, but just seems like strangers have moved in, with so many different nurses working there now. It was lovely to see a doctor that I knew, as she treated Noah a lot, and she gave me a big hug.  

I also spotted one of our favourite nurses Bek, and ran out to give her a hug and say hi. She always made the days go fast when she was working as she would always make sure we were looked after, as well as Noah. She would always bring us in food and drinks and would come and stir up Aaron as he loved teasing her.  She was always good to have a laugh with, and is such a great nurse.  It was lovely to catch up with her. 
Simone is always so thoughtful and sent me home with a little pressie and some chocolates for the boys. 
Church is always hard when everyone is talking about Father's Day, but we got through it okay and went to the cemetery afterwards.  
Kath from LOVEnCherish  has been so kind to me over the last four years, and has sent me so many beautiful  necklaces.  I always wear one when I want to feel Aaron and Noah close by, and wore this one on Father's Day.
We had some special treats after tea in remembrance of Aaron - his favourites - Pepsi and cookies and cream ice creams.  
I'm glad that the day wasn't as hard as I expected it to be.  We miss Aaron every day, but it's nice that we smile more than cry now, when we talk about him.

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