Daddy Gives Me A Cuddle

Over the last few weeks Kobe has wanted the light on in the hall when he goes to bed.  He keeps telling me that he's sad and is missing Daddy, and that having the light on makes him feel better. 

Last night when I was putting him to bed I said to him 'when you go to bed, I think Daddy will be watching you'.  He looked at me and said 'yes Daddy does come into my bedroom.  He comes to bed with me every night.  He gets in here (pointing below his feet) so he doesn't hurt my legs and then he lies on this side of the bed' (pointing to the side that is against the wall).  

He was so sure about what he was saying. 

I asked him what Daddy did when he came into bed and he said 'he comes in at 10.30 because that's when Daddy goes to bed, and he lays next to me and gives me a cuddle'. 

I would love to believe that what he says is real, but if it isn't I love that Kobe believes it as it obviously makes him feel happier to think that Daddy is right there with him in bed.

Thanks again to everyone who has voted for my blog.  There's still another 12 days left to vote and you can vote once a day. 

The Possum Tree 2013

I couldn't let this year go by without getting a photo of the boys in front of the tree outside our old house.  For the past eight years I  have taken a photo of the boys in front of the same tree when it is in blossom.   I knew that the tree always comes out in blossom later than other trees, so I almost missed it this year!  Kobe and I drove past today and were excited to see it had blossoms still, so I dragged the boys out after school for a quick photo. 

Jay kept looking at our old house that we lived at with Aaron and Noah for six years, saying he was remembering all the 'good times'.  I do remember lots of good times there as that's where we lived when Kobe was born, but I didn't like the house, so I was glad that we weren't still living there. 

We still call it the 'possum tree' because that's what Harri called it when he was little.   Kobe has no idea that we are joking when we say it, so he calls it the possum tree all the time, which makes us laugh.

2012

2011

Our last photo with Noah at the tree - just a month before he passed away. 

2010

2009

I love this photo - they all look so tiny and cute

2008

2007

2006

I wonder how many more years I can get away with taking a photo of the boys in front of the same tree, before they refuse to do it anymore!? That will be a sad, sad day :) 

Thank you to everyone who has already voted for my blog.  

Three Good Things In One Day

This morning Kobe said 'there's three good things in one day today'.  Today is the first day of spring, Father's Day and also Harri's 9th birthday.  Harri was so excited about his birthday coming up.  Months ago he told me the only thing he wanted for his birthday was a dog.  I kept joking with him that since I bought Milly he got an early birthday present, and didn't need any more presents.  He didn't agree with me.

Last night he couldn't sleep as he was so excited.  At 11.30 pm I had enough of him getting up and saying he couldn't sleep, so I told him to get into my bed.  That didn't help and he was still awake at 12.30 am!  He was so excited to open up his presents this morning.  One of his favourite presents was a canvas that I got made for him with a photo of him running through the banner with Hawthorn.  
We went to church in Devonport because it was our church's conference today and afterwards we went to my brother Eden and Steph's house for lunch. 

It was nice that Harri could spend time with his cousins on his birthday. 

Kobe loves wrestling with Uncle Jared.

Harri had been really sad during the week as he knew that Father's Day was coming up on his birthday.  He was really sad to know that there was a Father's Day stall at school which he didn't have to go to.  I told him he could still make Aaron a card and we could take it to the cemetery, but he was too sad to do that.  It was nice that he was happy today, even though it was Father's Day. 

Thanks so much again to the lovely Cupcake Fairy, Nicole who made Harri's birthday cake for us.
It was nice to see my Dad on Father's Day.  He was cracking Jalen up as he was telling him stories about his first girlfriend he had when he was fourteen. 

Father's Day has been on my mind for the last month or so, when I started seeing Father's Day books and gift ideas in the shops.  One day it just hit me when I was looking for some books for school and saw and end with lots of Father's Day books on it. I considered buying a couple of books for the boys, but I knew that it would probably make them sadder so I ended up leaving them. 

Kobe was happy enough to make Father's Day things at school which was good.  He made a cute little book called 'My Dad'. 

This page made me smile.  Kobe obviously remembers Aaron's favourite things very well.  A week ago Kobe said to me 'lots of men drink beer Mum'.  I said that was right that some men do drink beer and he said 'Daddy didn't drink beer, why didn't he drink beer?'.    We talked about it and then he said 'Dad drinked Pepsi though' :)

I love the picture that Kobe drew of himself, with his Hawks colours on.

Jay had forgotten that it was Father's Day this morning until I joked that Noah had better have made Aaron breakfast in bed this morning.  Harri decided that Aaron wouldn't have a bed, but would sleep on a cloud :)  Jay was then quite quiet and teary all day as he realised that we were going through another Father's Day without Aaron.   It's hard to believe that our last Father's Day with Aaron on earth was just five weeks before Noah passed away.  I knew he wasn't well but had no idea that we had such a short time left on earth with him.  He didn't look very well at all that day.   I still love this photo with all five of my boys in it. 

I'm glad that Kobe still considers Father's Day to be a 'good thing' because I feel so sad to know that the boys don't have their Dad with them.  In a strange way it's comforting to know that Noah and Aaron are together.  I just wish they were still here with us.

A(nother) reason to get out of bed

A few months ago I was really struggling with my grief.  It's still really hard every day, but since I have started teaching again I feel like I have a reason (other than my boys) to get out of bed every day.  I was so nervous about going back to teaching after having fourteen years at home with my boys, but it has been the best thing that has happened to me in the past two years.  I didn't realise how much it would help me. 

As a support teacher I don't have my own class, but run small groups for kids that need some extra support.  I am also on class a few times a week, to give the classroom teachers time to plan for their kids with additional needs.  It has been the perfect way to get back into teaching.  Once a week I run a life skills cooking class with a small group of kids.  I love getting to know them and to see how much they already know as they've been participating in life skills cooking for a little while already.  It's nice to help them with skills they will really need and use in their lives. 

 

When I graduated from Uni (all those years ago!) I taught Kinder and Prep.  I did a little bit of relief  teaching but was so nervous about teaching anything above grade 1 or 2.   I now wonder why I was so worried about the older grades as I have spent a bit of time in the primary grades at school now and work with older kids in my groups, and love working with them.

One day I had to spend some time with a grade 5/6 class and got to be with them as they took part in a presentation called 'Gumnuts to Buttons' which was about the invasion of Australia.  It was a powerful presentation and really got you thinking about the impact on the Aborginal communities in Tasmania when Australia was invaded. 
Even though I don't have my own class I have loved going out and buying lots of resources 'just in case' or for my groups.  I have always loved buying children's picture books but now I have an even better excuse to buy books and resources.  It's fun to buy things to use at school or to put away because 'it'll be good for that one day'. 
When I was teaching fourteen years ago it was nice to come home from work and tell Aaron about my day.  It's hard now to come home and not have him to talk to after work.  Jay often asks me how work was which is nice, but it's not the same as sitting with Aaron at night and chatting about the funny things that happened at work, or the hard things that happened.   I miss talking to him at night so much. 

The boys love it when I bring home different things from school on the weekends - well Kobe and Harri do :)  I put them to work so I can take photos to use for instructions for the fine motor groups. 

Part of my role is to work with the kids with severe disabilities at the school. I love that part of my job.  This week I have been working on making a communication book called a PODD for one of the students.  I was adding in pictures of places that he often went to, and one of those places is Noah's garden at school.  It's so nice to be at school and see Noah's garden being used by the kids. 

I feel so blessed to be able to see my boys at different times throughout the day while I'm at work. Harri desperately wants me to teach him in one of my groups, or take his class sometime.  When I am on duty at recess he walks around with me and his friends, and they crack me up as they tell me what all the different rules in the playground are, and let me know when I should be speaking to different students.  It's nice that he isn't embarrassed that I work at his school, but loves having me there.

Life is far from what I wish, but I feel so blessed to love my work again and to be able to work where my boys go to school. When I started working last year as a Teacher Aide I thought I would be happy doing that for a number of years, and didn't imagine that I would get back into teaching so soon.  I'm so glad that the opportunity came up though because it made me get out of my comfort zone (although nothing has really felt comfortable in the last twenty two months) and has made me push myself.   It's nice to have something that I love doing again, as it gives me something else to focus on other than just my boys.

Starting to Walk

I often have dreams with Aaron in them, but lately I've had dreams which Noah has been in too.  A couple of nights ago I had two dreams.  In the first dream Aaron and Noah were both in it together (I usually just dream about one or the other) and the second dream I can't stop thinking about. 

In the dream I was in a wheelchair.  People were walking past me and had pity in their eyes because I was in the wheelchair, but I looked at them and told them that it was okay.  I was in the chair, but I was feeling better every day and my legs were getting stronger every day.  I even proved it to them that I was feeling better by showing them some tricks while I was in the chair. I flipped up my front wheels and did a wheelie and spun the chair around.

Even though I could do tricks, my legs felt really weak.  I wanted to walk and went to get out of the wheelchair, but my legs were so weak that I needed to hold onto a pole to lift myself up.  I was so proud that I could stand up, because I had been in the wheelchair for a long time.

I knew I still had a lot of work to do to make my legs really strong so that I could walk again, but I was so happy that I could get out of the wheelchair and pull myself up.

 

When I woke up from the dream it hit me that is how my life is right now.  I'm still feeling very weak, but my 'legs' are getting stronger every day.  There are days when I feel like I can flip up my wheels and do some tricks in my chair.  Athough my legs are feeling heavy and weak but I am pulling myself up slowly, and it's nice to feel a little bit of strength in my legs at different times.

Book Week

This week was Book Week at school.  There were a lot of fun activities for the classes to do and each class made a beautiful banner about space to display in the school foyer, as the theme for this year was 'Read Across The Universe'. 

Harri and Kobe were very excited about the Book Week parade.  Harri had thought of what he wanted to dress up as weeks ago.  His class have been reading Roald Dahl books this year and he has loved reading them at night time when he goes to bed.   He decided to dress up as Willy Wonka. 

Kobe wanted to dress up as a pirate from Peter Pan which was easy.  I quickly had to think of a costume, when I realised that a lot of the teachers dress up too.    Luckily Kobe has a picture book called 'Jackson's Footy' and we of course have a lot of Hawthorn clothes, so my costume was easy to throw together.

When I got to school I got a lot of 'Go Mrs King!! That's my team!' and a couple of 'Hawthorn are losers!' (which actually isn't true at all this year :)  

I wish I could post pics of all the kids from school, as there were so many amazing costumes.  It was really fun and so cool to see most of the kids and teachers at school dressed up.  I feel very blessed to be able to work where my boys go to school, especially as it means I don't miss special days like this, but also get to take part with them. 

Milly People

I'm sure everyone is getting sick of all the dog talk, as it's kind of like when you have a newborn and all you start talking about is your new baby.  I promise every blog post from now on won't be about our new dog Milly. 

We've now had Milly for two weeks and it's strange how quickly she has become a part of our family.  I was really worried that having a dog would be a lot of work, but to be honest she has been so easy.  When we bought her she had already been trained a lot which has made it so much easier for us.  She does have accidents inside at times, but is also good at holding on all night and going on demand when we take her outside.  Next week we start puppy training with her which we are looking forward to. 

Kobe spent the first week up on the couch and wouldn't get down because he was nervous around Milly.  Now he begs to have Milly sleep in her crate in his room at night, and runs around the house with her calling out 'Miwwy, Miwwy!'.

He loves waking up in the morning knowing that Milly will jump up on his bed to have a cuddle.  He's given Milly the typical Aussie nicknames of 'Millzy' and 'Millza'. 
Even though Jalen was the one who started begging me for a dog to start with, I have been surprised that although he loves Milly, he hasn't been the one who pays the most attention to her.  He loves that she will just hang out with him while he's relaxing, and Milly always runs to his bedroom to see if he is in there and jumps up on his bed looking for him. 

It's nice to see the smile on his face and for him to be excited to walk in the door after school to see Milly.  I often hear him saying 'I love you Milly' which is lovely. 

The thing that has surprised me about the most is how much Harri is loving Milly.  He had been scared of dogs for so long, but he's the one who has really taken charge of playing with Milly the most and loves taking her for walks.  It's so cute when he walks in the door hear him say 'how are you going gorgeous gir?!' in a high pitched voice because he's copying how I talk to her. 

I wouldn't call myself a dog person at all, but I've definitely become a 'Milly person'.  When I was growing up with dogs in our family, I was never close to any of the dogs.  It's so strange to have this little puppy follow me around all day long.    Milly loves each of the boys, but she obviously knows that I'm her master.  She listens to me whenever I ask her to do something and is always so excited to see me.  It feels like I have a little toddler in the house again who just wants to be near you all day, as she comes over and just puts her head on my knee, wanting a pat. 

I told the boys that if we ever got a dog that it would be an outside dog.  Because Milly doesn't shed and is a small to medium sized dog I've been happy to have her inside.  She spends time outside when I'm at work and the boys are at school, but she is always waiting at the back door when we get home, wagging her tail to come inside.  

I have to admit that getting a dog was definitely a good decision to make.  We keep talking about how much Aaron would love that we have a dog.   He always wanted a dog, but because I wasn't keen we didn't get one.   It's nice to have some company at night when the boys have gone to bed.   It's lovely to have a little bit of joy back in our family again.  It doesn't take away the grief at all, but it's nice to see the boys smile and laugh again in between their sad days. 

You can check out a blog post by our friend Alison about the photos she took with us last weekend here.