19 Years

Nineteen years ago today Aaron and I were married.  

Oh the things I wish I could tell that 21 year old girl.  I knew that life wouldn't be easy, but I didn't expect it to be so hard.   After Noah was born, we knew how important it was to make the most of every day, but that didn't mean travelling the world or jumping out of a plane.  We just learnt to appreciate the little things in life.
We were grateful for healthy days and little smiles from Noah.  We knew it was a good day when we could all go out to do something as a family together.  The best days were when Noah was in a good mood, and looked happy and well.
When Noah passed away, the light in Aaron's eyes went away.  We were both grieving for our beautiful man and I knew we had a long road ahead of us.  We could now travel the world if we wanted, but it was the last thing we wanted to think about.  All we wanted was to have Noah back with us. 

I'm not sure whether I would like to know that I only had 111 days left with Aaron, after Noah passed away.  If I did I wonder if we would've done things differently.  I'm not sure that we would have, but I know without a doubt that I would've just held him more.  I would've told him more how much I loved him.   I would've told him more how proud I was of him.  I would've told him more what a great Dad he was.

We were blessed that Aaron was able to take some time off work after Noah passed away, and we got to spend a whole month together.   But that month was filled with a funeral, sorting out things at home, returning equipment and wondering how we were going to fill our days without caring for Noah. 
That month was filled with visiting the cemetery, and helping the boys through their own grief and trauma.

In many ways we were blessed that Aaron passsed away towards the end of summer holidays.  It wasn't the summer we planned or wanted, and it wasn't the same without Noah, but we were so blessed to spend every day together.    For the first time in over a decade, Aaron and I got to spend some time without any of the boys.  It was hard to actually be apart from them for the first time since Noah passed away, but we knew we needed some time together -  just the two of us.  I still smile when I think about how excited Aaron was to just have a couple of days together.  He cracked me up as he fist pumped as the boys drove away.   

I think that was kind of a turning point for us as we talked about how Noah would want us to be happy even though he wasn't there.   We talked about the things that we had to look forward to, that we couldn't do before.

 

Two weeks later Aaron passed away.  I was lucky to be married to my best friend for 16 years, but I just wish I had many, many more.
I received a message from an old friend this week, who said that he hoped for my happiness.  I'm doing okay and some days I feel like I'm doing well,  but I really don't feel like I'll ever feel truly happy until I'm with Aaron again.  I had 16 years with him on earth, and we've now been apart for almost 3.  I try to think every day that we are onother day closer to being together again, but I hate that we've been apart for so long, especially when it feels like it just happened yesterday.  

I am still asked a lot about getting remarried, but I have no desire to even think about another guy in that way, let alone get remarried (unless it was Hodgey! ;)  I still laugh with the boys about Aaron saying that if he ever died, that I couldn't find someone as hot as him anyway.   I still feel like we are married, and I actually still wear my wedding ring.   I actually think Aaron wouldn't mind if I got remarried, and probably would even want me to, but I still have no desire to. 

I hate being on my own, but I'd rather be on my own that be with someone who isn't Aaron.  I don't feel like a single Mum, because I'm not.  I'm now bringing up my boys on my own, but I have an amazing, funny, passionate husband who still influences us every day.   The boys talk about their Dad every day and we all try to live our lives to make Aaron and Noah proud of us.  At times we feel him around, and I wish we could feel him around more often, but I'm grateful for those moments when he lets us know that he isn't too far away.