Forgetting but never forgotten

Grief is a crazy thing.  Sometimes you feel like you will never feel 'normal' ever again, and other times you have a good day or week, and forget for a little bit how hard grief can be.  The hardest thing is not seeing an end to it.   Our 'new normal' is a lot easier to deal with these days, but I can't ever imagine a day when we won't experience grief in some way.

Today Jay came home from school very upset.  I knew he was going to have a bad day right from when he woke up.  When he got home from school he told me how hard his day was and said that he really wanted to ring me, so he could come home.  He said that he felt today like he did 'back in grade 7' which was just after Aaron passed away.

Later tonight we all had a talk about how it's okay to have a really sad day, and that sometimes there's nothing we can do about it, but we just have to accept that it's a bad day or week.   I reminded the boys that they should know that it's not going to last forever, because we also know that we have a lot more happier days now.

As I started to talk about it, both Harri and Kobe started crying.  Harri told me that he actually hadn't been missing Daddy and Noah very much, but had been forgetting about them.   He was really upset because he said that he couldn't remember them very much, and he asked if it was okay not to miss them.  I told them that it's okay, but that upset him as well because he said 'I don't want to forget them though'. 

It's so hard to see his grief change....from missing the little things like watching Friday night footy together every week, to being upset because he is forgetting those things and what it felt like to have both of them here.
When Harri started to get upset, Kobe's lip started quivering and he came to give me a cuddle.  I asked him what he was thinking about and he said 'I just always miss Daddy and Noah so much'.  I know he doesn't remember them very much, but he knows how different it is without them, and I know that's what he misses.  We are constantly talking about Aaron and Noah, and Kobe hates that he can't remember the things we are talking about. 

I feel so sad that Kobe will grow up without Aaron here.  It's not fair that the boys have have to grow up without their Dad and brother.  It's not fair that they died when they're so young, and will grow up with the memories fading more and more.   Hearing stories, and seeing pictures and videos just aren't the same. 

I don't get angry very often about what has happened, but when I do it's because I just feel so ripped off. I always knew that Noah would pass away, and that was hard to live with every day, but we dealt with it the best way that we could.  There was a lot we couldn't do when Noah was here, but we didn't mind.  We talked a lot about the things that we could one day do 'when Noah isn't here'. It wasn't that we were looking forward to it, it was just that we realised how different our lives would one day be. 

Yes our lives were different when Noah passed away...for three and half months! A very, very hard three and a half months. Then life changed forever, and I can't help but feel ripped off.    How can it be fair that Aaron had to go so soon after Noah!? Aaron and I had talked about special things we would do together like go on a cruise during his long service leave, or go to the USA together.  Now that will never happen.

I feel like I now have nothing to look forward to, until I'm with them again.  We are dealing with life okay and we have a lot more joy in our life than we used to, but then I just can't see how life will ever really be as good as it was when they were here.  Doing things with my boys, is not the same as doing things with my best friend.

Sometimes my mind is irrational and I just want to yell at Aaron and ask how he could leave us! I know he didn't have a choice (well I really don't think he had a choice) but it's times like this, when the boy's grief is hitting hard again, that I just wonder when we will ever have a real 'break' from it.

We want a break from the grief, but then we also don't want a break from it, because we don't want to forget what life was once like, when we were a family of six on Earth.