Monday, 17 March 2014

I wish they were never here

Grief is such a long journey.  At times I feel like we are starting to get on top of things a little bit, but it never lasts long.  It seems like the four of us are never feeling 'okay' at the same time.  It's so exhausting having to deal with my own grief, as well as helping the boys through theirs.

Each of the boys have struggled in their own ways since Noah and Aaron passed away, and at the moment it's Harri who is struggling the most.   He has been struggling a lot since the summer holidays, and I hoped that starting school would help to settle things down, but it seems to have made it worse.

He was excited to start doing Rainbows again, as he knew that it helped him a lot last year, but it doesn't seem to be helping him as much as it did last time.  He said that it makes him sad to go, as it makes him think about Aaron and Noah more. He has been very teary every day, but especially at bed time.  He's having trouble sleeping, having nightmares, is very anxious and has started sleep walking again.
A couple of weeks ago I realised how busy I have been with work, and how much the boys were feeling it, especially Harri.  I told him that I felt like I haven't been spending very much time with him lately, and he looked at me like I had gone crazy and said 'I see you all the time Mum!'.  I told him that seeing each other, and actually doing some fun things together was different, and he then started crying and agreed with me.  I asked him if he wanted to go on a special date - just the two of us.  At first he was excited, but then he started crying again and said it made him feel sad because the last time he had a special date was with Aaron and I just after Noah passed away.

I told him it was up to him, and he decided that a little shopping trip in town and Cold Rock sounded like fun. 
It's nice to see him smile, but unfortunately it doesn't stay for too long.  He keeps on crying lately saying that he wished people didn't have to die and asks why two people from our family had to die.  He has been looking at their photos, and then saying to me that he wishes they were never here. 

When I asked him why he says that, he says it's because then he wouldn't be sad. 


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  2. Oh Lisa. You are doing such a wonderful job holding yourself and the boys together. This is so hard to read and it must be even harder for you to live on a daily basis. Your decision to spend some one on one time with Harri may bring a small moment of happiness and it might not seem like much but it really is huge right now. All of those small moments will help him and you heal and it is going to take a long, long time to recover. Remember you are greatly loved and so many people are here to support you xx

  3. Feeling very sad and tearful this morning as I read your blog. You are a wonderful person/mother . All I can say is that I am remembering you and the boys in prayet

  4. Lisa, I read your blog often and it is such a hard journey that you are going through. You are doing it with grace and dignity. It was good to hear that Rainbows was a good intervention for your boys, but given the intensity of the boys' continual struggles an individual intervention with a psychologist who specialises in complex grief might be worth thinking about.

  5. Lisa, I am so sorry that you and the boys are still struggling. My bereavement group chaplain said that grief is like a see-saw. It goes up and down. One day we are feeling pretty good and life seems to be good and then we get a punch in the gut and start all over again. Grief takes its own time. As she says, "there are no grief police around to tell you when you should be through with your grief". You grieve as you have to. One day, the loss of both Noah and Aaron will be "softer" but they will always be in your heart. It's been three plus years since my David passed away. It has taken me three years to finally turn the corner and start to enjoy doing the things I liked doing before he passed--sewing, knitting, etc. I now have a purpose, as I am making things for my church fair. I also go to New Hampshire to a Bed and Breakfast where David and I have been going for years. It's not the same there without him, but I have made friends with the innkeepers and also have friends in the area of the B&B and always visit with them, have lunch with one, dinner with the other. One of my friends is also a widow, and I get to visit with her when I go to NH. We catch up with one another and it is good for the soul. She does a lot of quilting and has made some beautiful quilts for nursing homes and Veterans. However, in your situation with your boys, it is so difficult for them and they miss their buddy and their Dad--so very understandable. You do wonderful things with them to help them stay positive. They are at tough ages right now. They have that emptiness in their hearts just as you do and it is difficult for them to wrap their heads around what happened to part of their family. I think you are doing all the right things and at some point, the boys will be a little better. Just keep them busy and try to stay positive for them. You are an awesome Mum. I'll keep you all ln my thoughts and prayers. Sending love and hugs from Massachusetts.

  6. Dear Lisa,
    Yesterday evening we saw a boy in a documentary about the hopeless situation in Syria.
    He was interviewed for a few minutes, and told the interviewer that his father had died recently. His father had been shot. The moment the interviewer asked friendly " Is there anything you would like to say to your father right now?" a huge sadness flowed into the eyes of the boy as he simply said " I miss him."
    It fills my heart with sadness to know that there's war all around there and people have no time to mourn about the lost children, women, men.
    It seems to me, that the best thing that can happen to your son I this given situation, is you.
    You love, you listen, you ask, you help, you plan and do fun things together. You are there.

    I am sure that I don't know the first thing about what it feels like to be in a situation such as yours.
    I have never experienced something like it. So forgive me if I talk , like I do.
    Still, it fills my heart with hope when I see people such as yourself, doing what you do,
    coping how you cope.

  7. Lots of prayers coming your way!

  8. Missing someone you love is an ache beyond words... Please know how much I care...

  9. This is really sad, I hope as your boys grow up they can better understand / handle this and they look back at all the good times.

  10. Lisa, time does have a way of healing wounds. I have seen it with myself, as well as others who have lost loved ones. It never goes away, but there does come a time when you are not thinking of them every minute, There are hours, even half days that go by and you are freer, I know this will come for you, but even though time has passed, nobody can gove you a calendar as to point out when it will get better.

    You are really an awesome mom!

    Maybe take Harri to a sleep clinic? I know that the problem is grief, and not necessarily the sleeping problem completely physiological, but, helping with with the physiological aspect of the problem can help him sleep better, and have better, hopefully less teary days. One reason he is crying so much is also because his quality of sleep is off balance. Address that, and it may help him handle the grief of his life better.

    Just a suggestion.
    Hugs to you from Israel!! XO

  11. Lisa, you and your boys are on my mind and in my prayers! I'm so sorry that your Harri is having an especially difficult time right now. I know that as time goes on, he (and all of you) will be able to feel that Aaron and Noah are close by and that you are linked together through the Savior's love for you entire family. Sending love your way! :)


We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

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