Dear Aaron 2021

Dear Aaron

When I think about how it's been almost ten years since you died, my mind finds it hard to comprehend that you've been gone for so long and that we've been through so much without you here. 

The other day the boys and I were talking about all the things that you've missed out on and how much the world has changed since you died. It's only been ten years, but so much changes in ten years.  

Jay and I were talking about how there's been so many Marvel and Star Wars movies that you would've loved, that you will never see.  You would love all the streaming services....no more having to pull out a DVD or Blu Ray to watch something.  You can now just watch pretty much anything you want on either Netflix, Stan, Amazon Prime, Binge or Disney +. Every Wednesday the boys are usually hanging out for 7pm when Disney + releases another episode of their latest show, and no doubt you would be sitting there right along with them to watch the latest episode. 

The boys have gone from being little boys, to being young men who no longer need me as much physically or emotionally and that's taken some adjusting to.   I'm now enjoying that they don't rely on me as much, because for so many years I've been on the edge of burning out.  Being a single mum is exhausting, let alone being a single mum to three boys who have been through grief and trauma.  

It's still hard and exhausting at times, but I now have more time for myself.  Right now we are on summer holidays and I can now sit on the deck with a book for hours without being disturbed or worried what they're getting into. It's taken me a while to just not feel guilty about even doing that, but I now realise it's what I need to do, to be able to continue working full time without losing the plot during the year.   

It's a huge change from all those years of watching the clock for Noah's med and feed times, running to appointments, sitting in hospital for weeks and planning our day around Noah's mood and health.  It's 'funny' as it's actually hard to remember those days, and I would give anything for life to be back how it was all those years ago when we were all together as a family of six, but I also know how lucky I am to have time to do things such as reading a book or jumping in the car to go to the gym or for a swim, because there were many years when I wasn't able to do that. 

I still can't totally give up blogging. When I went to do this post I had a little laugh because I did a total of 11 posts last year, and that's because I felt like I had to, rather than really wanting to.  I want to continue having my memories in one place, but I don't enjoy writing like I used to. It's no longer my therapy like it used to be. 

I have never blogged because I've wanted readers or followers, but it's always nice when someone reaches out and tells me they've been following our family for many, many years.  There's a lot of times when I feel very lonely, so when someone sends me a message, I realise that there's a lot of people out there who are cheering us on, hoping that we are happy, despite what has happened. 

I'm also very aware that the boys don't really want me sharing lots about them now that they're older, so I pull back on giving lots of information about them because it's not really my story to tell anymore. So posting very sporadically on my blog and using Instagram more regularly, is how I'm trying to keep our memories together somehow. 

Now what can I tell you about 2021? Well, you know how I told you last year about Coronavirus and how it was a pandemic?  Yeah well, that's still going on and it's worse than ever.  The world's gone crazy and sometimes you wonder if it's really about to end.  There was a time when I'd be quite happy for the world to end so that we could be together again, but I'm quite happy to be here and just wish things were back to normal before we had to think about Covid, toilet paper shortages, sanitiser, checking into places, learning from home, social distancing, wearing masks, hot spots, lockdowns, vaccinations and boosters and people arguing about them, PCRs, RATs, close contacts, isolating and cancelled events. 

In Tasmania we were actually very lucky for most of 2021.  Our Premier pretty much shut the border to the rest of Australia and the world.  The only way you could come to Tasmania was if you were an essential worker or if you weren't from a 'hot spot'.  The great thing about that for us was that we pretty much lived Covid free for about 18 months.  We pretty much went about things as normal. There were some restrictions such as numbers at events, having to wear masks at some outdoor events and having to check in, but compared to the rest of the world, we were very lucky.  

But these restrictions also meant that we also couldn't travel like we are used to.  Since you died we've pretty much travelled to Sydney a couple of times a year, but we haven't been for so long because it was a hot spot for most of last year. The saddest thing is that Kobe (and I) was so excited to go to Sydney to see Hamilton which is a musical he's obsessed with, but we've had to cancel our trip/tickets twice and I still don't know when we are going to get there. 

With 90% of the Tasmanian population aged 16+ vaccinated, the borders finally opened up on the 15th December. It sounded like a good idea at the time because we knew that we needed to learn to 'live with Covid' and we were ready to do that, but it seems like the government wasn't really prepared for what that means.  There's been people lining up for hours to get a test and then testing centres closing down before they can get one, no one could get hold of a rapid (RAT) test for weeks and businesses are shutting down because they have no workers as they're in isolation. 

I'm worried about how school is going to be this year.  We've done all that we can and have to learn to 'live with it', but it's still scary because I know that some people can get really sick with it, and so many have died from it. Nicki, Alex and Alex have all had Covid last year and I hear about the long term affects it has had on them, and I just hope that if any of us do get it, that we have mild symptoms and recover completely. 

There was a time when 33 cases of Covid in Tasmania was huge and we all had to go into lockdown, but now we have over 8000 active cases and we are still to reach the peak.  This year it was strange for us to have to wear masks at some large outdoor sporting events (when the rest of the world had been doing that for over a year) but now we have to wear masks indoors and it's normal to have masks on the washing line drying and to have them at the front door, ready to go. 

The boys and I actually joke about who is going to get it first in our family. It kinds of feels inevitable that we are going to get it and I feel like I just want to get it over with, but then it also scares me, because I hope I don't get really sick and I hope that the boys and I don't get it at the same time, because there's no one else to care for them. 

Right now it feels like Covid is all we are thinking about, but we have had a busy year not having to think about much about it (until now).  Last year we spent Australia Day at the beach with my family and cousins.  I was hoping to have a happy day (despite it being nine years to the day since you passed away) but it was a really hard day. I was ready to pack up and just go home and this year I'm trying to not have any expectations about how the day will be, because it's too upsetting if it's not how I hoped it would be. 

 

Harri and Kobe loved going to watch the BBL cricket in Hobart last summer and it was a really fun day (despite me not loving cricket). 

The thing I find hard about the boys' ages is that they still want to do certain things (like go to the cricket) but I have to drag them out of the house to do other things (or I hardly see them because they'd rather be with friends/girlfriends or at home) and if they aren't really keen on it (even though it could be a really fun day) then it turns out to be not fun at all.  They remind me of you in that way.  You were always so happy to just sit at home watching sport on TV, and it used to frustrate the hell out of me. I'd rather be out living life and enjoying the sun. 

It's crazy to think that it's already been over a year since my cousin Jarom passed away.  If there's anything good to come out of it, it is that we've spent a lot more time with my cousins Emily and Levi and their families. We only usually see them during the holidays, but I love that the boys have gotten to know them and we have lots of fun together. 

It was very stressful having to organise a bathroom renovation on my own.  Even though you'd also have no idea about what to do, at least I would have someone to talk to about things if you were here.  We had a big leak in the bathroom all of a sudden, so it meant I had to get the bathroom renovated.  After lots of stress, I found two awesome builders who were so lovely and amazing at what they do.  I had no clue how to even pick out things for a bathroom, but I'm so happy with how it turned out. 

In April Chrish came down from Sydney (before it was a 'hot spot') and we all finally helped Mum clear out her container (it always takes Chrish to get things done). It was a hard day emotionally for Mum as a lot of her things were damaged, but we ended up the day with lots of laughs, when we found her dress ups. 

When we had to put Milly to sleep I remember thinking that I'm glad Mum wouldn't have to worry about Josie dying for a very long time, as it was unusual that a dog would die so young. Unfortunately Mum has also had her heart broken this year, and had to put Josie to sleep recently.  I feel so sad for her because Josie kept her going and she is so lonely and sad without her. 

Can you believe that Jay has now graduated from Uni! We are the parents to a Uni graduate, although I'm not letting you take any of the credit, since you've been gone since he started grade 7! 

I'm so happy that he has a lovely girlfriend and has made so many great friends and loves living in Hobart.  We've been able to meet lots of them. 

Can you believe that we have a 22 year old now!?

Harri has had a mixed year.  He's still working at Maccas and has a love/hate relationship with it. He has lots of friends who work there, which can mean that work is fun if he's working on the same shift as them, but every time I pick him up he tells me work was 'busy and stressful'.

He's the most like you, out of all the boys.  He loves music, sport and fashion, just like you did, but thank goodness you weren't as moody as him! He loves going through your box and is always pulling out another one of your old vinyl records or sporting tops (often without me knowing until I see him wearing it!). 

He's had a very mixed year as he got glandular fever half way though the year and I've never seen him so sick before. He was so sick that I had to take work off to care for him (usually the boys would just stay home on their own if they're not feeling great and can't go to school). 

It was actually pretty scary seeing him so sick, and I didn't know how to help him. The doctors were telling me there was nothing they could do, but thank goodness a nurse at the doctor's surgery suggested going to a particular chemist, to talk to the pharmacist who was good at functional medicine.  What she suggested helped him more than anything, but it did take a couple of months before he felt back to normal. He was so sick that he couldn't do his mid year exams.  It worries me that he could get very sick if he gets Covid, but hopefully all we did to get him well again, has helped and he won't affect him too much (if he gets it). 

He was also so disappointed because he was chosen to play basketball in his college Division 1 team, but they played in the college basketball championships just after he got glandular fever, so instead he could only sit on the bench and support them.  They ended up winning the college championship! 

He was really disappointed that he couldn't finish off the basketball season properly because of his glandular fever. He played his last year of junior basketball as well as men's basketball this year. He hated paying men's, and has no choice but to do that this year,  so hopefully he'll enjoy it a bit more this year, because sport is really good for his mental health.  He does go to the gym regularly which has been good for him. 

I hardly see Haz anymore because he's either at work, with friends or at his girlfriend's house, but he's (mostly) happy so that makes me happy. He loves fishing with his mate Joe and always sends me photos when he catches one. It reminds me of you the night you passed away as you texted me a photo of you fishing with Eden, Chrish and Alex and when Jay asked you what you caught when you got back, you said 'don't be a smart ass Jay' because we all knew you didn't catch anything.  We actually laugh so much, that those were the last words you said to Jay and I remind him that it's your advice to him for the rest of his life! 

Because we had no Covid for so long and it was everywhere on the mainland, we got a lot of extra AFL footy matches in Tassie last year.  Harri was so excited because he got to watch his team GWS play live (yep - I'm sorry to say he still doesn't go for Hawthorn any longer! I know you'd be rolling in your grave about that!). 

It's crazy to think that he's now finished Year 11 and is 17.  He's been very slack at saving up for a car, so he hasn't gotten one yet but he's much easier to teach to drive than Jay was. I'm not sure if it's because it's my second time.  Hopefully it won't be long until he gets his Ps. 

Remember when I won Tasmanian Mother of the Year in 2015 (I know....me either!), well I think I deserve it again this year because I slept in a pod for Kobe's birthday! It was the worst sleep of my life (it was very noisy, hot and squeaky!) but Kobe said it was the best night ever! I'm actually glad I did it because it was on Kobe's bucket list and it was a bit of an adventure, but I've told him that I'm never doing it again! 

He's had the best time in grade 7.  He really hated primary school.  Every morning he would say he hated school and I thought he was just saying it, but he really did hate it. He's made lots of new friends at high school and has done really well. He was asked to be in a year 7 leadership group and his teachers all tell me what a lovely boy he is, and a great role model. It makes me proud because that's what I really want to hear from the teachers.  If they do well at school that's great, but I'd rather hear that they are kind and respectful. 

Actually I take back that I deserve Mother of the Year, because I've learnt to look after my own mental health and haven't let the boys do anymore than one sport each.  I'm just not physically able to get them there if they do more than one sport (because every sport has games plus training) and I can't be in more than one place at a time.  Kobe has begged met to let him play footy for years, so I'm so happy that he's been able to play it this year at school. He's absolutely loved it and was chosen to play in the division 1 year 7/8 team. 

His dream came true when his team finally played at the Aaron King oval. I love that his teacher took a photo and emailed it to me.  We always say what a big head you would have because you have a footy ground named after you! 

He also played in the year 7/8 basketball team for his school in the high school basketball championships.  He loved playing (despite it being a hard competition) and all I could think about was how you used to coach your high school teams, and I wished you were here so that you could coach the boy's teams. 

I feel really sad when I think about how you used to go off for a weekend of coaching, but we couldn't be there because Noah was never well enough to be out for too long and the boys were too little for me to deal with them there as well.  I wish you were here so that we could just experience weekends of basketball together now that the boys are older. 

Kobe has improved so much this year and is a great little player. He doesn't give up and listens and does whatever his coach asks him to do. I was so proud of him when he was awarded the coaches award this year. 

Kobe is still at the age where he's (mostly) happy to hang out with me and always joins Mum and I on adventures. I keep joking that I've probably only got another year, where he's happy to hang out with me and he tells me that's not true, but I remind him that Jay and Harri used to love hanging out with me. 

Because it's often just Kobe and I together, we get lots of yummy food together. He loves it and I tell him he's very spoilt because he's the only one around. 

I love that he's adventurous and loves to try food from different cultures.  

Kobe has grown so much this year and is catching up to Jay and Harri very quickly.  

My heart broke a month ago when I heard that six students were killed in a freak accident at school in Devonport.  It really hit me hard even though I didn't know anyone involved in it.  December is usually hard with your birthday and Christmas, and I think it was extra hard this year, because I had the accident on my mind and as a Mum who has lost a child (and husband!) and also being a teacher, my heart just went out to everyone involved.  

Even though you've been gone for 10 years, you are a part of our lives. We talk about you all the time and I feel like we continue to live our lives to make you and Noah proud of us. 

I wasn't able to present memorial awards this year (thanks to Covid and being busy at school) but I actually didn't really mind because going back to your old school and the boys' old school doesn't feel the same since all the students and staff have changed since you both passed away. 

I still donate memorial awards though and love to hear who won them. 

We hardly go to the cemetery anymore, but I know that you wouldn't mind that.  We only really go on your birthdays and on the anniversary of the days that you both passed away. 

As for me, what can I tell you? This year I've learnt to look after my mental and physical health better.  After being diagnosed with adrenal fatigue I have to be really careful so that I don't burn out. I've gone from going to bed late every night 'because it's the only time I get some peace and quiet' to wishing the boys would hurry up and go to bed, so that I can go to bed.  I usually get to 9pm and am ready to sleep.  I'm sure the boys think I'm an old woman, but it's so nice to feel on top of my health a lot more.  

I've absolutely loved going back to the gym this year.  I no longer do Step or Body Attack like I used to love doing, but have learnt what my body can cope with and needs and love going to Yoga and Aqua Fitness regularly.  All my school gym buddies ditched the gym a long time ago, but I didn't mind going on my own, and was so happy to discover that Bonnie also goes there, so now we always go to class together. It's been great having a gym buddy again. I'm not skinny or fit, but I always feel so much better mentally and physically when I go. Even when I'm tired after work, I make the effort to go a few times a week, because I know it's going to make me feel better for it. 

I still absolutely love my job as an EAL teacher and feel so lucky to have such an incredible job.  I would give anything to be able to come home from work and talk to you about my day and the beautiful kids that I teach.  Every day I look forward to going to work because I feel like I'm making a difference.  Just after you died it was the boys that kept me going, because they needed me.  Now that they're older I feel like it's my work that keeps me going, because it makes me feel useful and I love seeing the progress of the kids and their families, as they learn a new language and adapt to living in Australia, while maintaining their own customs and culture. 

I am so happy that I'm going to be at the same school again this year, but I'm getting sad and nervous that I'm probably going to have to move schools soon.  The school I'm at right now is the largest EAL school in Tasmania, and I've gotten to know the families, kids, staff and how things work there really well.  I feel like I am not 'just an EAL teacher' at this school, because I'm so involved in the whole school including going on excursions, running the school disco, being in the staff band and taking photos at all school events. 

I'm feeling anxious about having to start all over again, and when I think about it a lot of trauma and grief pops back up because it's making me feel unsettled, and it reminds me that I've still got a lot of healing to do. 

My circle of friends has gotten a lot smaller over the years, but the friends that I have are amazing and I feel very lucky to have such special friends, that I've been friends with for so long. 

Between my small group of friends, the boys and work I feel like it's all I need. I've become very used to being single and am very happy just being a homebody most of the time. There is still no way that I would ever want to have another relationship, and the more time that goes on, the more I realise that I never want to meet anyone else. It's not even because I don't think you could ever be replaced. I'm just so used to being single and actually enjoy being single and doing my own thing. I think being in a relationship would just annoy me! I've become very selfish because I'm used to doing what I want, when I want and am used to being on my own. 

I still get people saying to me 'you never know what will happen in the future' or 'you're too young to be on your own' and I know they're doing it because they think it would make me happy to be in a relationship, but it's seriously not even on my radar to think about being with someone else. My Instagram account is private and sometimes I'll add a guy who wants to follow me and then they're sending me private messages, wanting to chat.   Next thing I'm deleting and blocking them! 

I still hate Christmas and wish I could love it like we used to, when you were here. If it wasn't for the boys I would just go to the beach with a book on my own and be quite happy to just pretend it was any other day.  Instead I try to enjoy it, but can't wait for Boxing Day to come, so that I can start enjoying summer holidays. 

You would love the new escooters around town now. The boys had a great time riding on them on Christmas Day. 

We had a great time hanging out with lots of my cousins and uncles and aunties on New Years Eve. They are lots of fun to be around and when we are together it always makes me miss you even more as I imagine you talking cricket or basketball with Ty and Cade or teasing all your nieces and nephews to make them laugh. I wish you were here to get to know my other cousins who you didn't get to spend much time with when you were here. 

There's so much that I wish you were here for and I still feel really angry and ripped off because we only got three and a half months together after Noah passed away.  I see other couples and families going on holidays together or just doing everyday things together and I am so envious and want to tell them to not take it for granted. 

I'm grateful for the boys but nothing can ever replace the relationship that we had. I miss the things we should be doing together - taking long service leave and travelling around the world (once bloody Covid goes!), going to watch the Ashes cricket together (even though I'll be bored out of my brain, but I'd do it because I know you love it), watching the NBL and AFL live games together, traveling to the mainland and having a decent holiday now that the boys are older, going to concerts or just going to the beach together.  

Instead I'll continue to work out how to be 'happy' without you as much as possible.  Covid has put a big stop to me having something to look forward to (which is what kept me going for many years) because right now you really can't plan ahead for anything.  I've learnt to just be happy doing the simple things - looking after my health, putting everything into my work and trying to navigate and enjoy the dynamics now that the boys are older. It's hard to imagine what this year is going to bring. 

Just know that whatever we do, we continue to keep you and Noah in our lives as much as possible.  The boys are so much like you in different ways, that it feels like you are living on in them. 

I hope we are making you proud. I hope you are still watching over us and know what we are up to. I don't feel you as close by as you used to be, but there are times when I have no doubts that you're around. I see you and Noah in my dreams quite often and I'm grateful because it helps me feel like you are not too far away. Our grief hasn't gone, but our lives have grown around our grief.  I love you and have missed you every single day over the last (almost) ten years that you've been gone. I can't imagine living another ten years without you, but unfortunately I have no choice but to. 

This video shows what we have been up to every single day in 2021.