Dear Aaron 2020

Dear Aaron

Where do I even start about 2020?! Have you seen the craziness that's been going on in the world this year?  Are you up there knowing everything that's going on,  and do you know how it's going to end up?  Is the world ever going to get back to normal after this year?

If you want the 'short' version, this is one second every day of our year, but I'm sure you've seen it all, or I hope you have! (Can only see it on the ‘web version’).  I don't feel you around as often anymore, so it's hard to know how close by you still are.  But you'd better be sticking around to read the long version, because I've got a lot to say to you! 

The year started off great. We were enjoying summer holidays with Chrish here from Sydney and Nicki and the family here from the USA, and it was one of the best summers we'd had for a while. 

Kobe loves spending time with his cousins.  He can find summer quite boring, because the 'big' boys do their own thing, so last summer was lots of fun for him, with so many cousins around. 

We always love having Chrish down on holiday, and we always do the fun touristy things with him. 

One of the best days last summer was when we all went down to Pop's river for a swim.  It brought back so many good memories of when we were kids. 

It was sad saying goodbye to the Watsons, especially as I don't know when we will see them again.  As much as I'd love to go to the USA one day, I really don't know if it'll ever happen until the boys have grown up, because it will just cost so much, and there's always other things to spend money on like bathroom renovations, which I put off for way too long, but I couldn't avoid anymore, when we had a leaking kitchen ceiling. I hate having to deal with such huge things on my own, and wish you were here to help me sort things out. 

Even though I don't know whether we will ever make it to the USA, I know how lucky we are to have some great trips to the mainland since you passed away.  Every summer since you've died, we have kept busy and have gone to Sydney, but we always said we wanted to go to the Australian Open sometime. I saved up a lot last year, and we finally went to the Open and Mum came with us. 

We watch the tennis a little during the summer, but don't really follow it closely, but we had the best time!  It was actually one of our favourite holidays we've ever had.  We got to see so many of the players either training or playing, and the atmosphere was awesome.  If we got sick of watching tennis, there was always something else to do.  

We got to say a quick hi to Jelena Dokic after her training session, and the boys were excited to meet her.  It's funny now to think that we had lunch together, as it seems like so long ago. 

The boys all had things on their Melbourne bucket list that they wanted to do.   Jay wanted to go to Taco Bell, which had just opened up there.  It was a bit of a trip out on a tram to get there, but it was fun and we actually all really liked it.  I wish we had one here in Tassie, and I'm sure that we would keep them in business, if we did. 

Kobe really wanted to go to the Harry Potter store in Myer, but a friend from Melbourne messaged me to tell me about an even cooler store that he would love to visit, so we also went there.  He was in heaven checking out all the Harry Potter merchandise. 

Harri was just keen to do lots of shopping.  He's still working at Maccas and gets a lot of hours every week, and loves having his own money to spend.  He is soooo much like you in many ways.  He's crazy about watching almost every sport, loves all different types of music (I love hearing him sing in the shower every night and thank him for the concert :D ) and loves to buy clothes, just like you did. 

Oh and did I mention the shoes!? Remember how you used to drive me mad, because you wanted to spend (waste) money on shoes you didn't need. That's Harri all over! But apparently he needs them all.  I'm actually happy for him, that he has his own money to spend, because it's the reward for working hard. 

During the summer holidays Australia had terrible, devastating bushfires.  News of it went all around the world, and there were huge concerts to raise money to help families who had lost everything.  We didn't think that 2020 could get any worse, but it did, but I'm sure you already know that. 

After summer holidays I always hear you, in me, as I complain that I don't want to go back to school.  But then once I get there, I love it again (just like you did).  It helps that I work with awesome people, who make going to work a lot of fun.  I often think about how busy we were with Noah and the boys, when you were here.  You would tell me about your day at work, but I feel like I didn't really take a lot of it in, as I was so tired and focused on Noah and his needs. 

I wish so much that we had the opportunity to both work at the same time, as I would love to just get home from work and tell you about my day.  The boys don't want to hear all the trivial things, or if I do tell them things, I know they really don't care.  I know you'd get all the stories I come home with about things the students had said or done, and would understand the relationships I have with other staff at work.  We have lots of fun at work and also outside of work, and it's nice to feel like a real part of the team. 

Remember how you kept talking to me about one of your friends from work, and how good she was at photography and how I should check out her photos? I'm sure that you saw that I met her for the first time at your funeral, and I told her that you had said all those things. Now we see each other quite regularly, as I take students on transition visits to the high school that she works at now.  

She sent me a message a couple of weeks ago, on your birthday.  It was a Facebook memory of you saying 'goodbye' with a sad face on her Facebook page, as it was the last day of school and you couldn't find her, to say goodbye in person. She never got to see you again, and told me that she now always makes sure she says goodbye in person to everyone.  Oh how I wish you got to say goodbye to her in person, that day. 

I knew that Harri was going to be on his school's Leadership Board as the House Captain for Allen and also the treasurer this year, and then Kobe told me that he wanted to try out to be on the School Leadership Board.  

I have to admit that it stressed me out.  I didn't want to discourage him to go for it, but I also wasn't going to encourage him, because he doesn't take disappointment very well.  Resilience isn't one of his qualities, and I was imagining the aftermath when he found out that he didn't make it, because so many kids would go for it, but only eight get in.  

I told him that he'd have to make sure he did a really good speech, and that it was up to him to think of the ideas for it.  We brainstormed his good qualities together and also his ideas for what he would do if he was a student leader.  I then suggested that he put a couple of jokes in to make it interesting for the students,  but that he also needed to put in the serious stuff, so the teachers knew that he would do a good job. 

When I asked him how his speech went, he said it went really well and that lots of people told him after that they voted for him.  I have to admit that I was very shocked when I heard that he was voted onto the Student Leadership Board and also as a Sports Leader.  He was absolutely over the moon, and I felt so happy for him, because Kobe is one of those kids who just cruises along.  He doesn't excel at anything in particular, but I would hope that he was a good kid who treats others well, and he seems to get along with everyone, so I'm sure that helped him get in. 

Before Jay headed back to Uni, we got to see Harri be presented with his blazer,  for the Student Leadership Board.  

I was so proud of him, and knew he'd had a great year, finishing off high school.  It's on days like those that I miss you the most.  I know how proud you would be of the boys, especially as a teacher, and I wish you were here to let them know that.  

Life was pretty normal until about mid March.  We heard on the news about 'Coronavirus' or ‘COVID-19’ in China and how it had become a pandemic, but we didn't really think much of it for a while.   Everything started off as normal. School excursions went ahead. sport started, we went to a live footy match, and people got married.   I remember at Kate and Danny's wedding at Boat Harbour that they joked about it, by tapping elbows before they kissed, and when we said goodbye to Mum that weekend (she was looking after Kobe while I went to the wedding) we did a foot tap as a joke.  

But then it started to get serious.  The boys were told that they couldn't shake hands at sport, and then all training sessions were called off.  Suddenly sanitiser was everywhere, and then it was hard to buy it, as it was sold out along with gloves.  People started hoarding things and panic buying,  including toilet paper.  Stickers started appearing on floors everywhere, telling you were to stand so that you were socially distanced. 

It actually started to get really scary as COVID-19 hit Tasmania.  I had to admit that at first I was very paranoid and on edge about it.  I was scared for Harri being at work as he was dealing with the public all the time. I would make the boys wash and sanitise their hands flat out.   Harri started to become quite anxious about it, and lots of his friends stopped attending school and did school from home.  He begged me to let him do the same, and I was in two minds about it.  

I thought it was important for his mental health that he kept up a routine and went to school, but he was so anxious about being there, that it wasn't worth it.  In the end I told him he could do school from home, even though school was still open.  Then suddenly we were told that schools were shutting down, except for students of essential workers.  It all sounded like a far fetched movie, but it was real life.

The two weeks of school holidays in between Term 1 and Term 2 was actually so relaxing as we had strict restrictions over the holidays.  We were only allowed to go out for shopping for essentials and to exercise with one other person.  It was a forced holiday really, as usually we would be trying to fill our days in with going places, and visiting people.  This was the first holiday ever that I could relax, without feeling guilty.  

I made sure that Kobe got out for a walk with me every day, and it became a really fun routine to do together. 

As an essential worker I had to keep going to work after the holidays, and we had many kids still attending school.  It was quite full on working out how we were going to support students and families at home and students at school, at the same time.  Jay ended up coming home from Uni as it all went online, and  restrictions got tighter.  It meant he could no longer hang out with his friends in groups, so it wasn't worth staying down in Hobart, as he'd just be stuck in his tiny room, day in and day out.  We weren't sure how long he would be home for, and he hated having to do school work on line, while not having any social life, but we all got used to being home together again. 

Harri and Kobe both did learning at home as well, even though they could've gone to school.  Kobe lasted a couple of weeks, before I spat it (I'm not really sure who I was spitting it with.  I was cranky with him for not doing the work well without me around, which I know wasn't really fair, I was cranky about school expectations of what he should be doing at home, during a health crisis, which was impacting more on his mental health, and just the whole situation that the world was in the middle of a pandemic, and I just wished life could be normal) so I told him he was going back to school.  

He was stressed at home, trying to work out the technology and expectations of what he needed to do, and I was stressed coming home after work, having to help him complete his work and figure out what he had to do for the next day.    Things were much better once he went back to school, and we were both a lot less stressed. 

For Kobe's birthday I wanted to buy him a new bike.  It turned out that a lot of people decided bike riding was a good activity to take up during lockdown, and it was impossible to get a bike for a while.  He was very excited to get a late birthday present.  I was super keen to start riding with him, and borrowed Harri's bike one day. It was heaps of fun, until the next day when I realised I had injured my tailbone! What an old lady! I don't even know what happened as I felt fine while riding, but after months of pain, doctors visits and chiropractic treatment, I'm still a bit scared to get back on my bike (which I bought for myself, and it's only been used once!).  I'm going to try to be brave over the summer and give another go, and hope I'm not in pain for another 3 months. 

Can you believe that Kobe is now 12!?  He's still the cutest kid, but he's also hard work! I always thought Harri would be the hardest one, but he turned out to be pretty easy, really.  Kobe is so emotional a lot of the time and likes to argue and question everything.  Don't get me wrong, he's still a great kid, but he's also exhausting to deal with at times.  

I was just thinking this week about how he's now a little older than Jay was when you died, but he still seems so much younger than Jay was. I don't know if it's because Jay had to grow up pretty fast and always had extra responsibilities because of Noah, or whether I've just treated him a lot different as the 'baby' of the family. 

Kobe has a lovely group of friends and is so ready for high school next year.  He's never loved school because he just hates to work hard, but loves the social aspect of it.  I think (and hope!) that it'll be different at high school. 

I was a huge shock that Kobe won the Respectful Student Award.   It's not that I don't think he's respectful (I would hope he was!) but there's so many students who could've won the award, so I was especially proud of him.  I would always want the boys to win an award like that, over an academic one any day.  

It's crazy to think that Noah would've turned 19 this year.  We don't really go to the cemetery much anymore, but always do on your birthdays or anniversaries.  It's not that we don't think about you as much, but it's just not a place that I feel like I need to be as much anymore.  I was telling someone recently how when you first passed away. I would go to the cemetery every day, for about the first year or so.  It's hard to remember when or why things changed, but I'm glad that they did because although grief is still there, it's not as raw as it once was. 

Did you see the beautiful picture that Aaron and Katie organised for me?! I was blown away that they would do something so kind and love that they also included Milly in it.  I'm used to not having Milly around now, even though she was a huge part of our lives for six years.  

The boys still ask me if we can get another dog, and I tell them there's no way that's happening.  I'm so used to how easy life is without a dog, and don't want to go back to the puppy stage again.  Also when we got Milly I was working part time, so I was home quite a lot.  Now that I work full time, I just feel like it would be cruel to get a dog, and then be gone most of the day.  The boys promise me that they'll be the ones to walk it and feed it and pick up their poo, but they also promised me that they'd do that with Milly, and we know who was the one who did it all - me! I know nothing would change and the novelty would wear off quickly.  I loved having Milly in our family and she was just what we needed at the time, but we aren't a dog family anymore.  

Can you believe after having so many years off going to the gym, that I joined a gym again!?  I had been thinking about it for a year or so, and started looking into joining somewhere, but wasn't brave enough to do it until March this year. You know how much I love swimming, so I thought that joining the gym at the pool would be great, as I could also swim and do aqua fitness classes. 

A conversation in the staff room at school about wanting to get fit, turned into three other friends from work joining with me, and one other, who was already a member, joining us for aqua classes a couple of nights a week.  It was so much fun going to the gym with friends again, but then bloody COVID came to Tassie and gyms had to shut down.  

Once it opened up again, I went straight back, but none of my work gym buddies have been back.  I actually don't really mind because I just love going, even if it's on my own, as it makes me feel so much better mentally as well as physically.  The bonus is the spa, which I always jump in at the end of aqua fitness.

I'm loving going to the gym again, but I'm not the same gym junkie that I used to be.  There's no way that my body would cope with high cardio classes anymore, so I'm taking it really easy.  A few aqua fitness classes a week, plus a couple of yoga classes, suits me just fine. I'm often the youngest one in the aqua class, but I love it and the oldies are always really friendly.  At first I wasn't sure about yoga, especially with all the 'namaste' and chanting at the end 'shanti, shanti, shanti'. I felt like a total idiot and refused to do it at first, but now I don't even think about it and I'm putting my hands to my heart and chanting 'om shanti' along with everyone else! I actually find I’m going for my mental health, instead of my physical health this time. It just makes me feel so much better when I go. 

I'm still absolutely loving my job and am so happy that I've finally been made permanent to EAL.  I've been lucky to have stayed teaching EAL at the same school for the past 4 1/2 years, because I love it there.  It's the biggest school with students from an EAL background in Tasmania, and there's always so much to do.  I actually can't imagine teaching at a school with a small number of EAL students now. I think I would get really bored with it.    

I love teaching students from all different cultures and religions, dealing with their families, supporting teachers and admin staff, and especially the pastoral care that comes along with the job.  I love hearing students speak all different languages and love that they share parts of their culture with me.  I'm always very spoilt by my students, and often they'll bring me in some fresh home cooked food.

Before I started this job I didn't know much about Eritrean coffee ceremonies, Nepalese refugee camps, processing of visas by the UNHCR, Diwali, Tihar, momos (I just knew them as dumplings), chatpate, Eritrean porridg or  jalepi (so sweet, but so good!).  

The kids tell me incredible stories about why they had to come to Australia as refugees, and I'm always amazed at their resilience and positivity.  My job is one of the best things in my life right now, and I look forward to going to work every day, to teach these beautiful kids.  It amazes me that 9 years ago I wasn't even teaching, or considering teaching again, but now I'm teaching full time in a job I never even knew existed. 

I love getting involved in dress up days at school, and the kids couldn't believe that it was really me under the wig and make up :) Days like that, remind me of when we used to dress up for different things.  I miss being silly with you.

Harri was so happy to get back to school once the COVID lockdown ended.  He was especially excited to play footy at school, and got to play one last time on your oval.  I love that his teacher (who you used to teach!) makes a special effort to get a photo of the team, in front of the sign.  Harri always says he feels quite emotional when he plays there.  It's so great to see some of your old students teaching now, and I love hearing that you were one of the big influences on them, wanting to be a teacher.  

At the beginning of the year Harri said he wanted to play club footy, and I finally agreed to letting him play, but then suddenly he changed his mind again! Towards the end of the season they had a lot of injuries (one of the reasons I didn't want him to play) so they asked him to fill in, and he ended up playing the last month or so of the season.  

Can you believe that I actually loved it! I could sit in the car and stay warm and dry, and could still watch him play.  I was surprised that he was actually pretty good, especially considering he's never really played before, except at school.  He says he wants to play the whole season next year, but we'll see what happens at the beginning of the season. He may change his mind again. 

Another reason I wasn't keen on him playing, was because I knew you had to travel to games.  It actually wasn't that bad as most games were very close to home, but on the last week we travelled to St Helens.  We made a day of it and went for a walk on our favourite beach, even though it was freezing. 

It feels strange to be there, knowing that's where we spent our last day together, but when we are there we have lots of happy memories. 

Covid was the big news for the year, but I think that even bigger news was that it snowed in Launceston! We've had sprinklings before, which was always very exciting, but this time we woke up to snow absolutely EVERYWHERE! It's a once in a lifetime event and I still can't believe it now, that it actually happened. 

I actually heard it snowing during the night, but didn't realise it was snowing.  It just sounded like really heavy rain.  Before we went to bed we had a lot of sleet, but we went to bed thinking that it would just stop.  You should've heard me screaming to the boys to get up and come outside at 6:30 am! 

I was sure that it would melt really quickly, and expected that as I drove to school that the snow on the ground, would stop after a while.  I was very wrong! It was absolutely everywhere and all the way to school. It was exciting but also a little scary driving to school in the snow.  My friend and I from work were like little kids in the carpark, pelting snow balls at each other when we got out of the car.   

A lot of the kids at school hadn't seen snow before, and it was so fun to experience it with them for the first time.  They weren't allowed to go and play in it, but we did take them out for a look and quick throw of a snowball or two.  I had to keep explaining to our 'new arrivals' that this doesn't happen all the time. and not to expect snow again next winter.

The snow hung around till after lunch, and even when I got home, there were still patches of snow in the shady spots in our garden.  A few days later Kobe and I went for a drive 15 minutes out of town, and there was still snow around! 

I was dreading Harri turning 16 in September, because I knew that it meant I would have to teach him to drive.  He got his Ls on is birthday and was very nervous to drive at first.  I had to practically force him to go for his first drive on the quiet roads near Mum's house, but since then he's become a lot more confident and is actually a pretty good driver. I thought we would fight a lot, because he's very strong headed, but he's been very good at listening to me and taking advice. I wish you were here every day, but especially to teach the boys to drive. 

Harri was saying during the year that he hated school (which he hadn't really said before) but I think once school went back after COVID restrictions eased, he just couldn't get back into it.  Then suddenly it was Term 4 and he was saying how he wished high school wasn't ending.  He has a lot of friends (and girlfriend!) in Grade 9, so he wasn't keen on leaving so many friends.  He featured on the Launceston College Facebook page with students from other schools, on their Orientation Day. 

Harri also won an award at his end of year Presentation night for Sports Science, and was also recognised for being on the Student Leadership Board as House Captain for Allen (who also won the shield for the first time in 9 years!) and for being Treasurer.  He's not sure what he wants to do after college, but he's thinking something to do with Sports Science, Sports Psychology or being a physio.  I've suggested following in your footsteps as a Maths/PE teacher, but he says he's not keen on kids (sounds just like you hey!). I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually.  

It was a big year having two leavers' dinners for the boys.  It didn't look like they would even go ahead for a little while, so we were so happy that they got to go and celebrate the end of primary and high school.  Harri was set on going to the leavers' dinner with his mates, rather than a girl, and I was really happy that he did that. I knew he would have heaps more fun going with a mate, rather than going with someone he wasn't close to.  No one wants to be stuck with someone on the biggest night of their high school life, that they're not really comfortable with. 

It doesn't seem like that long ago, that it was Jay's Leavers' Dinner.  I hate that you miss the every day stuff, but also the big stuff like this.  It's hard seeing other kids with both their parents at their special events, knowing that the boys are missing out on so much. 

Harri had lots of fun going with Seb to the dinner.

I'm so glad that he has so many great mates who will be going to college together next year. 

Kobe also has some great friends, who I hope he sticks with during high school. 

It's definitely the end of an era with Kobe finishing primary school, Harri finishing high school and Jay in his last year at Uni this year.  People often talk about how sad they get as their kids grow up, but I love the boy's ages and stages. I think it's much easier now they're older and more independent, and I'm very lucky that they're great kids (most of the time!).  People often tell me it's because they've got great parents, but I tell them you're not taking any credit for that! You've been gone for way too long now, to have any influence on them! Haha! If you don't laugh, you cry, so sometimes it's easier to just make a joke and laugh about the whole situation. 

This year I really wanted to get my health sorted out once and for all.  I knew it was going to be a big investment, but decided to finally go and see Fil to see if she could help me with my health issues.  I haven't really been sick, but then I also haven't really been well either. Even after I lost a lot of weight last year, I still had a lot of health stuff going on, and got sick of the doctors adding in another puffer or treatment for my 'asthma' which wasn't typical asthma, or adding in another med for reflux. 

It's been 6 months, but after a lot of testing, supplements and working on different things such as my stress levels, exercise, sleep and food, I'm feeling so much better.  It feels so good to be off all my medications that the doctors had put me on, and to know what was going on and why, and how to fix it. It's going to be something that I'm going to have to continue working on for the rest of my life, to stay as well as I can, but I really know what to do now.  Being diagnosed with adrenal fatigue wasn't a surprise at all, but I'm also glad that it wasn't as bad as it could've been, with all that I've been through. I had been trying for years to keep on top of things myself, as much as I could, but just couldn't do anymore to get well, without the help of Fil.   

It's hard to look after yourself when you're a single mum, working full time.  It seems like there's always something to do and never enough time to do it.  The garden goes ballistic in spring and that keeps me busy, and then there's always stuff inside the house that needs fixing. Kobe was great at helping me lots in the garden this spring. 

Your Dad and Carrol have aged so much this year and are finding everything so much harder now.  I feel for them. because I know how much they wish their bodies would just be how they used to be.   They always love it when we go and visit.

The boys love that they are all taller than Nanna now.

Covid has been so bad all around the world.  Millions of people have died and so many have lost their jobs as things have shut down, but we have been so lucky here in Tasmania.  We currently have no cases of Covid, and I was so lucky to be in a job that wasn't affected by anything. 

The Tasmanian government gave out a lot of travel vouchers to encourage us to travel around the state.  We were lucky enough to get one, and got to use them on a lovely few days down in Hobart.  We went to Port Arthur and on the Tasman Island Cruise with Mum, which was one of the best things we have ever done.   

We caught up with Jay while we were in Hobart a few times, but he didn't spend the days with us as he was busy with Uni and things going on with his friends.  He's had the best year at Uni this year. and was so happy to get back to Hobart after COVID restrictions eased. He's made so many new friends from all around Tassie, the mainland and also from around the world.  

It seems like they're always up to something fun together, such as playing sport against the other colleges, going out for dinner, hanging at people's places, having balls or parties, going to the beach and he's even gone camping with them! We didn't see him at the end of the year as he didn't come home at all, but I was so happy for him as I knew it meant he was having a good time.  

He's home for the summer. but is so keen to get back and I know he's going to have another great year down there.  He's the Christ College Communications Officer this year, which will keep him busy, but I know he will also love it. It's hard to believe that he's only got one more year, and then he'll have finished his degree.

I didn't get to present the memorial awards at Kings Meadows High this year (bloody Covid restrictions!) but I was glad that I could still watch the presentation assembly online, later that night. 

I did get to present the 'Noah King Friendship Award' to Jai Chugg at Kobe's school, and it was lovely to chat to his parents before the assembly.  They asked me what the award was about and his mum became very emotional and started crying as she told me that she heard me speak at the International Women's Day event with Jelena Dokic.  His dad told me that the week before they were walking together through the cemetery and came across Noah's grave.  Jai told him that he knew about Noah (because of Kobe and Noah's memorial garden at school) and he was so happy that he would be winning his award that year.   I did feel you close by that day, and had to smile when your favourite song (Oasis, Wonderwall) came on in the car as I was driving away, after I presented the award. 

It was a huge shock when Aunty Faye passed away, and although we expected Uncle Chayne to, it was also really sad.  It was an even bigger shock when Jarom took his own life, and I think it hit me extra hard because I was with Levi when he found out.  

As sad as it has been, it's also reminded us all of how special and important family are.  I have loved reconnecting with my cousins again, as we have bonded over childhood memories and laughed and cried together.  We realise how lucky we are, to have such as special connection.  

Cousins are the best type of friends, but I'm also lucky to have just a few close friends who have stuck around since you passed away.  I feel like my group of friends is very small now, but the friends that are still there, will be there whenever I need them, even if we don't see each other often. 

Do you celebrate birthdays in Heaven?  I actually look forward to your birthday now, as we try to make it a fun day.  I'm so lucky to have such a good friend in Simone, who is always there, even when she's tired and busy and after working all day.  Can you believe that she actually loves Pepsi now and drinks it all the time! Oh she cracks me up so much! 

I love the tradition that just started after you died, of having a Pepsi on your birthday.  I love that people send up photos from all around the world of them having a Pepsi, or something to do with Pepsi.  It means a lot that people take some time out of their day to do that for us, as it reminds us that you aren't forgotten and we aren't the only ones who wish you were still here. 

It's my favourite time of the year again, and I'm so grateful to have some time to relax before the year gets busy again.  This is the first summer that we aren't going to be traveling to the mainland since you died.  I just don't want to risk having to quarantine for two weeks when we get back, but it also means that the holidays will seem extra long, unless we keep busy.  I'm quite happy to have days of lots of reading, catching up on shows and swimming, but I don't want Kobe sitting around on technology too long, so I always feel like we have to do stuff to keep him busy.  

He loved camping with cousins recently and was so depressed and bored when he got home. I took the soft version of camping, and hung out at camp during the day and evening, and went back to Mum's to sleep at night :) 

These two entertain themselves really well, and a lot of the time I don't see them, or especially Harri as he's out with friends or his girlfriend.  I don't mind it at all though, as I'd rather him be out, than sitting on technology all day.  They're lots of fun to be around, and they give me a lot of crap like you used to, just to stir me up.  

We just had the Sheila May Memorial Sponge Cake Bake-Off and I'm sure Nan absolutely loved it.  I hope one day the boys do something similar with their kids and grandkids for you (or me!), but I'm not sure what dish they would choose to cook for us. I love getting together with my extended family and know how lucky we are to have so many cousins and uncles and aunts living close by. 

I wish you were at family events like this with me. I know how you would've been the life of the party there, chatting with all my cousins, making my aunties laugh, playing knockout in basketball and teasing all the little kids.

I wish you got to see the boys growing up. I wish you got to yell at the footy, cricket and NBA with  them. I wish you got to talk to them about movies and music and girls.  I wish you got to play cricket on the beach with them, and go fishing off the jetty with them.   

I wish you got to be a part of helping them make decisions. I wish you got to share the parenting with me.  It's exhausting physically, but especially mentally, being a sole parent. 

It's almost nine years since you left us, and it feels like forever since you've been here.  Some days I imagine you just walking through the door and things being just how they used to be, but then at the same time I feel like a different person, who has a totally different life now.   

Back then I was a tired, stressed out stay at home Mum to four children who were all here with me, but I was also very happy.  I'm still tired and stressed, but because of much different reasons.  I am as happy as I can be with what's happened, but it's hard to ever feel the joy that I used to, when you and Noah were here.  

I can't imagine what life would be like with Noah still here.  A few weeks ago I was sitting in the spa at the pool, and was watching all the people with disabilities with their carers, swimming in the pool next to me.  I couldn't help but remember how hard life was back when we had Noah.  We lived our lives to help make Noah as happy and as healthy as possible, and we would've and did do anything for him.  But it was hard mentally, physically and emotionally.  

It's not lost on me how different and 'easy' life is now compared to then.  We can just jump in the car and go to the gym or swimming without a second thought.  We can go to the movies or out for lunch, without worrying about Noah's mood or health or who is going to stay home with him.  

I don't want him back in his tired, disabled body as that wouldn't be fair on him.  But then I wish life was how it used to be, when we were a family of six. I wish I had my other half here, as you made me complete. I wish you were here to share the small stuff and the big things. 

I wish we could both experience working at the same time! We never had two incomes coming in, and if we were both working right now, we could do all the things we always dreamt about, like traveling to the USA together.  I wish we got to celebrate more anniversaries together. I get so envious of couples who are celebrating another anniversary together, when we won't ever celebrate more than 17 years together.  

Oh how I just wish things were different.  I wish we weren't going into another year without you.  

Why did you have to go!?