Saturday, 17 May 2014

I don't want to forget

For about seven years,  I have been going to Kings Meadows High School's Child Studies class, to talk to them about Noah and what it is like to have a child with a disability.  This week I got an email from the teacher, who was also Aaron's colleague and friend, to see if I could come in and talk again this year. 

I was more than happy to because I love talking about Noah, and when someone gives me the opportunity to share anything about Noah or Aaron I jump at the chance.  I guess it's one way that I can make sure that people don't forget him, and I can help others understand the difficulties and joy of having a child with a disability at the same time.  

Yesterday I went to talk to the class and even though it has been two and a half years since Noah passed away, I couldn't hold back the tears in the end.   Out of all the years I have spoken about Noah, even after he just passed away, I had never cried during a Child Studies class.  I'm not sure why it hit me so much this time, but when I was sharing what Noah's last week was like, it brought back so many emotions.   

There were a lot of girls also crying by the end, and I'm sure many of them were also sad because they knew Aaron too.  I felt terrible that I had upset them, but hope that they knew that I would do it all over again if I was given a choice. 
I also spend a lot of time at the school yesterday, taking photos for them.  I always love being at Aaron's old school, and it feels like I could just walk around the corner and see him there with a group of students.  I still can't believe that it has been so long since he was here.  

When I left the school I still felt very teary.  I decided to go and drown my sorrows with Maccas (I'm sure Aaron would've been proud!) and went and sat at Aaron's grave and had a good old cry.  I am usually pretty positive about everything, but while I was there all I wanted to do was punch something and yell and scream about how unfair it all is.  It's my new normal now and I'm used to many things now, but I still hate it.  
I hate that my life has turned out like this.  I hate that my best friend isn't here anymore.  I hate that I can't walk around the corner and see him at his work, but instead have to sit at his grave at the cemetery.    I hate that I have to raise my boys on my own, and have to stress about whether or not I have a job and how I am going to pay the bills, because I'm now the only one earning the money.

I hate that when the boys go to bed I'm sitting alone every night, and wake up to an empty bed every morning. I hate that people think that the way to 'fix' things is to get remarried again, when all I want is Aaron.  I hate that I have been left to grieve for Noah on my own, when we should've been getting through it together.  The thing that I hate the most is that he had to go so soon after Noah.

I hate that I am forgetting doses of medications that I used to prepare every day for Noah, without even thinking. I hate that I feel like I have so much time on my hands now, when all I want to be doing is watching the clock for Noah's next feed or med, or nebuliser.  I don't want to forget what life was like when we were caring for Noah, but I am slowly forgetting.   

Thank you Fi for asking me to talk about Noah again.  I hope that you know that even though there are tears, I love being able to talk about him  There was once this amazing, chubby little boy who was here, who never said a word, but he changed my life forever, and that's something I never want people to forget.  


  1. Great post. It is nice...more than nice really....when people want to hear about our kids

  2. I'm so sorry that you are missing your beautiful boy and your best friend.

  3. He certainly was one amazing little boy. I'm so glad he stayed for longer than the drs said and proved them wrong and changed yours and Aaron's lives so much. I'm so glad for the impact he had on my life. I often think about his gift of love that he shared so unconditionally and for the precious moments I got to share with him. I will never forget that soft thick dark brown hair that I was so jealous of.

  4. I sure do wish I could reach all the way to Australia to give you a hug. When my grandfather died when I was 13 (quite some time ago) I always thought my grandmother would just up and remarry right away. Now that I am older and understand true love, I get why she never remarried. I wish people were understanding of that concept. Again - sending you and the boys hugs!!

  5. Hugs to you and the boys Lisa. I am so sorry.

  6. My heart breaks for you and your family. Love you all from the other side of the world. I wish your young family didn't have to go through so much already. Much love and thoughts always going your way.

  7. How brave you were to talk to everyone at school. I think as time goes on, it gets harder and we miss our loved ones even more. And, it is o.k. to cry. I love the picture of Aaron and Noah napping. It is beautiful. Love and prayers for you and your sweet family.


We are so grateful for everyone's love and support, and appreciate your comments xoxo

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...