Port Arthur

While we were in Hobart for Noah's two year 'angelversary' we spent a day at Port Arthur - a former convict settlement.  We had actually planned on going to Port Arthur with our friends the Winkels from the USA, when they came on a cruise ship to visit Tasmania, but they arrived when there were terrible bush fires in the area, so we ended up going to the Tahune Airwalk with them instead. 

It was incredible to see just how huge the bush fires were as we drove down.  It was sad to see new houses being built and knowing what had happened, and crazy to see older houses right next to the new ones which were lucky to have escaped the fires somehow.  It was nice to see new growth on the trees all the way down to Port Arthur.
The boys had never been to Port Arthur before, but Aaron and I had gone a couple of years after we were married.   Aaron and I went about a year after the massacre  so it felt a lot different this time, and things had changed a lot since we had visited.  The whole entrance had changed, the cafe where many people were killed was now totally gone, and it was a lot more interactive.   I was very impressed with how much they had improved things since we last went.

The boys didn't know very much about Port Arthur before we went, so on the way we were talking about why Port Arthur was set up and what some of the convicts were sent there for.   When we got there they were excited to learn more about it.

When we entered we were each given a playing card which matched one of the convicts.  We could read about why they were sent to Port Arthur and the boys cards were related to children who were as young as eight years old.   A tour guide was telling us that four and five year old children were sent to work in those days.  I laughed with her about how I couldn't get Kobe to walk around Port Arthur without him complaining that he was tired!

The boys loved the things that you could do in the museum, which you went through before going outside to go on a guided tour, harbour cruise and then explore on your own. 

After we went on a short guided tour with a group, we had fun exploring the different buildings on our own. 

 

The boys were patiently waiting for Kobe to come over for a photo, but I actually love this pic more than any I took that day.  I thought Kobe would get bored, but he loved going through all the old buildings and ruins.  It was like a big adventure for him.

He was more than happy to pose in this photo for me though! He was cracking some other tourists up as Jay and Harri just wanted to get the photo over with, but Kobe kept smiling and posing. 

The boys loved that they were given their own children's map which had things for them to do on the way around.  They had to answer questions at certain spots to get a stamp from one of the tour guides, and could draw different things that they saw on their map. They were able to get one of the stamps at the commandant's house when they found out which commandant served the longest. 

The separate prison was a lot different to when I saw it before.  It had a lot more information about the prisoners and what it was like to be in there. 

I loved seeing inside the houses.  The boys had to ask a question at the junior medical officers house to get another stamp on their maps. 

The quilts were so beautiful.  I was tempted to steal one for my bed at home! ;)


I love the old church.






Kobe is the kind of kid that you want to kill half the time, and the other half you are just laughing at the funny things he says and does.  He knows how to make you laugh and was cracking us up with the poses he kept doing whenever I would pull the camera out. 



I hate getting my photo taken, especially since I've been eating my feelings for the past two years and have a lot of weight to lose, but this is proof I was actually there. 



I asked Jay to take the photo for me and he said 'What!? You ask your least favourite son to take the photo so he's not in it!?'.  He's a very cheeky and funny teenager lately.   Here is a photo of my least favourite son, just to prove he was also there ;)



We had a wonderful day and even though we were there for about five hours, we could've stayed a lot longer as there was so much to see and do.   I'm sure we will go back again sometime.

Two Years

It's crazy how two years can feel more like twelve months.  For Noah's two year 'angelversary' I decided to take the boys to Hobart so we could be close to where he was when he passed away, but also try to have some fun while we were there.   They were so excited about going because we decided to stay in the same hotel as when we went down at the same time last year, which they loved.

Kobe was counting the days down until we went to Hobart and Harri said he was more excited than if we were going to Sydney or Melbourne! They loved the hotel because it has a swimming pool and just wanted to spend the whole day there.





We spent a few days in Hobart and did some fun things, and today the day was focused mostly on Noah.  We had emailed the hospital to say we were coming down, but unfortunately the doctor who was with us when Noah passed away is in England so we couldn't meet up with him.  I haven't seen him since he came to Aaron's funeral, but hopefully we will be able to catch up with him again in the future. 

The lovely nurse Brodie, who was with us when Noah passed away has just had a baby so she also wasn't there, but it was actually nice to go back into the ICU and see a few staff members who were there during our week there.  The nurses couldn't believe how much the boys had grown. 

I just went to look at the post from last year and cracked up when I saw the boys wearing exactly the same jumpers! I promise they do have other jumpers - these are obviously their favourites.  I need to hide them at the back of their cupboards so they wear some of their other clothes :)   Kobe decided to do some crazy pose for me which made us laugh.  It was nice to laugh while we were there as I felt teary all morning.

We decided to go up Mt Wellington to release some balloons.  I felt for the lady at the party shop who served me.  She asked what they were for so she could suggest some colours and styles and I told her about Noah.  She was so lovely and although she felt sad for me, she didn't stop asking me questions.  It often makes people feel really uncomfortable when you tell them that you have a child who passed away, so it was nice to talk to her about Noah when she asked me if he had been sick and how old he was. 

When we got to the mountain a lady asked us why we had  balloons there.  I didn't know what to say as I didn't want to just spring it on her and make her feel uncomfortable, so I said 'it's a special occasion'. 



The boys loved going to the top of Mt Welllington.  Jay was the only one who had been before, and he couldn't remember it as he was only young. 



I have found that the lead up to an anniversary is usually harder than the actual day, but that wasn't the case today.  I was surprised that I felt really teary all day. I always feel sad but usually I can control the tears, or hide how I feel pretty well.  As we were walking around at Mt Wellington Jalen asked me what was wrong.  It must have been obvious and I just told him that I was feeling sad, and he put his arm around me and rubbed my back.

We then went into the city and had some lunch and did some shopping.    I was looking forward to finishing off the day doing some retail therapy, but after lots of arguing between the boys I lost it, and told them we were going home.   Usually I am pretty patient with them, but today I just couldn't deal with any extra stress.

I felt awful as I was driving home feeling really angry with them, knowing that it wasn't really their fault that I was so upset.  Kobe was in tears because they missed out on getting Cold Rock ice cream on the way home because I decided not to go as I was annoyed with them for arguing all morning, so on the way home all of us were in tears for different reasons!   Jay was upset because he hates seeing me upset. It's so hard because I feel like I have to hide a lot of how I feel from the boys so that they don't get worried or upset.  I talked to Jay about it on the way home and tried to reassure him that it's okay for me to have a sad day, without him stressing about it.  He has gone through so much in the last two years, and I think he worries that things will get bad again, if we just have a bad day.  I have to keep reminding him that we will always have bad days, but it doesn't mean that we won't have lots of good ones in between. 

Luckily it was a two hour drive home, as it gave us time to cry, talk, yell and get it all out and by the time we got home we were feeling a lot better.    It was nice to go away but we were really happy to get home.  Our friend Alison dog sat Milly for us and surprised us with some beautiful flowers, a lovely cake and cooked tea.  It was nice to get home to after a sad day. 

It was nice to get so many lovely messages throughout the day.  Thank you to everyone who was thinking of us.  My Mum also released some balloons and my friend Simone wrote a lovely post on her blog today which made me cry, but it was a good cry to see how much Noah touched her life. 

Tonight I was looking for Noah's death certificate as I needed it for something, and came across Aaron's talk which he wrote for Noah's funeral. I loved seeing his handwriting on it, and loved remembering the things that he said about Noah.  I love that he hand wrote 'if you never got to know Noah or feel of his love, I'm so sorry'.  He knew how special it was if you knew Noah, because you felt so happy just by being near him.  

Reading Aaron's words were a nice way to finish off the day.  A lot of it made me laugh as I remember Aaron sharing poo stories at Noah's funeral.  I hope they're still laughing together.  We miss them both so much. 

 

The Decision

I've had to make some hard decisions in my life, and especially in last twenty months, but no decision was as hard as the one that Aaron and I had to make two years ago on this night. As hard as it was, it was also an easy decision to make because Noah made the decision for us.

This time two years Aaron and I went to bed after leaving Noah in the ICU. During the day we were still hopeful that Noah would pick up, but that night it was clear that in the morning it was time to tell the doctors that we knew it was time to turn off the vent he had been on for the past week.   It was an easy decision because Noah had shown us that he was ready and was just waiting for us to be ready as well. 

He was showing no signs that he could breath on his own, started to have hundreds of seizures a day, was in pain, and his body was continuing to shut down. He hadn't been well for months leading up to it and in my heart I knew that the end of his life on earth was getting closer.

Our hearts were broken as we didn't know how we could sit by his bed for the last time and say goodbye. What was an easy decision to make because it was really taken out of our hands, was the hardest thing we ever had to do.   It was the shortest and saddest day of our life as we waited for my family to arrive so they could say goodbye.
The doctor and nurses who were with us were incredible and helped us so much. Aaron washed his hair for the last time and joked with him as he asked what type of hair do he wanted. He always knew how to make us laugh, even when his heart was breaking.

I clearly remember the lovely doctor coming back to the hospital about 6.30 pm. We had told him of our decision in the morning and he told us to spend the day with  Noah saying goodbye.  When he walked back into the room that night I just wanted to yell at him to go away, because I didn't know how we were going to do it. 

As hard as it was, I just knew that I had to be strong.   Strong for the boys, strong for Aaron and most importantly, strong for Noah.  He had been strong for ten years, and now it was my turn. 

 Just after 7pm on 8th October, we sat around his bedside and said our last goodbyes before the doctors and nurses turned off his machines which were keeping his body alive.

  

It was very peaceful and as strange as it sounds it was actually a privilege to be with him as we watched him leave this life. We were so proud of him and knew that we had given him the best life that we could. I was happy for him that he was no free of his sick and disabled body but my heart was broken as I didn't know how I could walk out of the hospital and go home without him. We stayed with his body and washed and dressed him again before leaving him for the last time.

Our family wasn't complete without him. 110 days later Aaron passed away from a cardiac arrhythmia, otherwise known as a broken heart.