Saturday, 3 June 2017

Mother's Day

I think about Aaron and Noah every day, and miss them so much, but when I think about them now I'm not always sad.  We will often have a laugh about things that Aaron used to do, or Kobe will ask me something about Noah and when we talk about them I don't always feel sad.  Most of the time I'm on top of my grief - I can go about my day and function without feeling overwhelmed with grief or anxiety or depression.  There are still many moments of sadness or course, but it doesn't stop  me from functioning or doing what I need to do to get through the day. 

Most days I'm fine, but Mother's Day hit me so hard this year.  Celebrations, anniversaries and birthdays are always hard, but every year I have found Mother's Day by far one of the hardest days of the year (along with Christmas). 

Aaron used to make Mother's Day a lovely day -  he would made sure the boys had made me a card, or bought something from the Mother's Day stall at school.  He would also buy me something that he knew I would love and would cook tea and made sure that it was a special day for me.  It was nothing huge, but it was just nice to know that I could have the day 'off' and that he would do all he could do to make it special.

But Mother's Day isn't hard because all of that is gone.  It's hard because Aaron, who made me a mother isn't here to celebrate the day with.  It's because one of my children who I spent 10 years caring for in a way that no Mum ever dreams of having to care for their children, is no longer here. And I now have more 'free' time than I've ever had in my life, but I would give anything to have the long days and nights back again.  

It's such a hard day because it's not just a birthday or anniversary for one person - it's a day which thousands of people are talking about. It's all over the shops and in your face and there are so many reminders around of the day and what you are missing.
The boys are boys and I don't expect them to go all out, and I don't even care about whether they buy me anything or not.  But it's always nice getting cute little presents from them.
But to me Mother's Day isn't about the presents.  It's more about just knowing that you are appreciated and loved, which I already know every most days.  My boys always tell me they love me and thank me (most of the time) for everything I do for them.  So I feel very lucky that I don't feel like I need a day to know that.  But even though I knew it was coming up, and I thought I would be okay on the day I woke up and knew straight away that it was going to be a rough day.

I probably should've stayed off social media as Mother's Day was in my face (literally!) all day.  People posting things about their own Mums, people wishing all women whether they are a Mum or wish they were a Mum, a happy day.  People sharing photos of lovely things they were doing together as a family that day.

We spent two days with my Mum before Mother's Day and took her out for tea, but on the day it was just the boys and myself.  The boys gave me their presents and asked me what we were going to do for the day. The week before I thought about going somewhere nice for a walk with the boys, but on the day it was the last thing I felt like doing.  I felt really, really angry and sad for the first time in a long time.  But it took all my energy and strength to even get out of bed.  I haven't felt like that for about four years, but all I wanted to do was stay in bed.  I can usually hold things together and don't even cry very much, but the tears started early in the morning and wouldn't stop all day. 

I don't usually feel sorry for myself, but on Mother's Day I think a couple of years of tears and anger came out all at once.  I had a good cry in the morning and pulled myself together for a bit and told the boys I was going out to the cemetery.  We don't go and visit very often anymore, and I hadn't been since Easter, but I just felt like I wanted to sit at Aaron and Noah's graves. It felt like a good idea at the time to get out of the house, but the cemetery was like Grand Central Station - there were people and cars everywhere.  It definitely wasn't the best day to go and sit and meditate in peace.
I lasted about 10 minutes and then came home and decided my bedroom was probably a better place to be.  As much as I tried to stop crying, I just couldn't.  I didn't want the boys to know I was sad, but poor Jay heard me sobbing in my room and came and gave me a big hug and apologised for it being an awful day.  I told him it wasn't his fault and was just how it was because of the day it was, but I know the boys felt bad that I was having a really hard day.

I was relieved when the day was over, and I felt wiped out for the next few days.  I felt bad when Harri asked me five days later if I was okay.  I asked him why and he said I looked 'tired and sad since Mother's Day' and although I felt okay he obviously picked up that it had been a hard week.  I always tell Harri that he's going to make a great boyfriend and husband one day, because he always compliments me and always knows when I'm feeling tired or down.  

I'm glad that I can see all the best bits of Aaron in the boys in different ways.  I know that he would be so proud of all of them. I just wish he were here to see what awesome boys they've grown into. I wish he were here for all the anniversaries and birthdays and Mother's and Father's Days and Christmases that just are just so hard now.

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