Our First Christmas Without Them.

The boys were so excited about Christmas which was nice because it would've been easy for me to just not worry about Christmas at all this year.   We would usually wake up at home and open up presents before heading out to my Mum and Dad's at lunch time, but this year I didn't want to wake up on our own, so we headed to my Mum and Dad's to stay on Christmas Eve.

The boys were so excited because my brother Chrish has got three months long service leave from work, and has come home for three months (minus a month or so when he will be travelling to the USA - so jealous - wish I was going with him!).

The beautiful Cupcake Fairy - Nic gave the boys some bags of reindeer food to put out which they were excited about.   The reindeers obviously weren't that hungry though as they didn't eat very much of it.  Harri was surprised to see it on the lawn on Boxing Day still (and Mum was silly enough to think that the reindeers and the wind would actually get rid of it).

Kobe was excited to give Santa some milk and cookies and the boys thought it was funny that Santa had left some cookie crumbs near the back door the next morning. 

I was surprised that Harri didn't wake up till 6.30 am on Christmas (supposedly Jay had woken up about 3.30 am and had snuck down to get his presents from Santa because I told him he could if he woke up early, and then went back to sleep).  By 7 am the boys couldn't wait anymore and decided it was time to wake up Kobe so we could go downstairs to open up presents.

Jay had been talking about getting a Wii U for months as he knew it was coming out and had read lots about it on the internet.   I couldn't justify spending that much money on a new console when we already had the old Wii, but when Jay said he would save up his pocket money and birthday money to put towards it, I knew he would appreciate it a lot more.  He was excited to finally get it on Christmas morning.   

Mum made us a beautiful cooked breakfast and we had to drag the boys away from the Wii U to come and eat with us. 

For lunch we headed out to my brother Eden and his wife Steph's house.  Chrish drove with us and we kept stopping along the way to take photos.

My lovely sister in laws Steph and Becky both organised Christmas lunch for us all and gave out a few assignments of what to bring, but did most of it themselves.  I felt bad that I wasn't doing my fair share but they were so lovely in making Christmas as easy as possible for me this year.   We decided a few months ago to make it as simple as possible and had a lovely BBQ with salads, prawns and ham.

Steph's sister Scarlet and her husband Jony joined us and it was so lovely to have them with us.

I felt really sad all morning and just really wanted the day to be over with, but it got easier as the day went on.  After lunch the kids started to have fun with the water guns and playing in the sprinkler.

Eden then pulled out a huge roll of black plastic and got a slip 'n' slide happening in the back yard. The kids thought it was the best thing ever and even some of the adults joined in on the fun.

It looked like so much fun, so I ended up getting my bathers on and having a turn too.  I wasn't quite as graceful as the kids but it was lots of fun! It was much more fun having the boys pull us.

We then all headed to the beach to meet up with lots of my cousins and Uncle and Aunties.  We didn't get down there until around 5.30 pm but it was such a beautiful day still. Everyone had lots of fun playing cricket, swimming, chatting and playing frisbee.

Everyone had a laugh about Dad and Uncle Tom dressing the same. They are obviously brothers!

My sister Nicki and her husband Alex and the kids flew into Hobart that morning, and arrived at the beach later in the evening. It was lovely to see them and we all then headed back to Eden and Steph's for dessert and for the kids to swap presents.  We decided that each child just buys for one of their cousins and it's nice because it makes things a lot simpler and easier for everyone. 

Becky had borrowed some cool ice cream makers from her work and everyone had fun rolling them back and forth to each other, to make ice cream.
What started out as a really sad day, turned out to be a nice day in the end. I was so glad that it turned out to be the year when all of my brothers were home for Christmas because every second year we have a quiet Christmas where it's just Mum and Dad and us and the Watson family.  It was nice to have everyone together this year (except of course Aaron and Noah).  It was also nice to do something different to what we would other years and I loved going to the beach and seeing other families that I love on Christmas Day too.

Past posts about Christmas Day are here (our first Christmas without Noah), 2010, 2009, 2008, and 2007.

The lead up to Christmas

The boys think we are very lucky because it's Christmas day in Australia earlier than many other countries, because of the difference in time zones. They are so excited because Santa has already come and it's nice to see them happy and excited despite everything that has happened this year.  This year has obviously been a lot different and the whole month has felt a lot different especially to me. I'm lucky I've got my three boys who are almost as excited as every other year.   

One thing we always loved doing was taking a Christmas photo of the boys to put on Christmas cards for family and friends.  I was usually in charge of taking the photo and Aaron would often put it together for the Christmas card.  Last year he was very clever in making sure that Noah was still on our card. 

 I love looking back at our old Christmas photos and seeing how much the boys have changed over the years. Check out how cute Jay and Noah were when they were little!

This year I wasn't sure what to do but wanted to acknowledge that things are different because that's just the way things are unfortunately.  I ended up using this pic for the front of some cards, and then putting photos of Noah and Aaron and I inside. 

 I ran out of cards so I then ended up just printing them all together. 

Yesterday we visited Aaron's Dad and Step Mum Carrol to exchange gifts.  
I had ordered them a photo book which had lots of photos of Aaron from when he was little up until the day before he passed away, in it.

There were a few tears when his Dad opened it and he couldn't look at it without crying, so he said he would look later on when it was quiet.

Jalen had the best Christmas present when we realised that he has grown so much lately that he is actually taller than Nanna now.

The lead up to Christmas has been so different this year.  I have hated being in town so much, as people race around buying gifts, and Christmas carols blare out of the shops.  I have avoided town as much as possible, but have had to go in to get the boys presents.  This year more than ever I realise how unimportant all of that is and if the boys could've coped with it (which I'm sure they wouldn't have!) then I would've been so happy to not do presents at all this year.  

Every year Aaron used to pester me by asking what I wanted for Christmas and I would always say 'nothing' or 'I don't care' as I seriously didn't care.  It's always nice to get a gift and I appreciated it if I did, but I would also be just as happy to not get any presents at all. 

I would prefer to just spend the day with family, having a special meal together and remembering what Christmas is really about, and this year more than ever I wish we could just do that.  This year more than ever I realise that nothing that you can buy or get will ever replace your loved ones and I would give up everything I have and own to have Aaron and Noah here with me.  

In saying that it's actually nice to see the boys faces when they get a special present they had been hoping for, and it's nice to see them happy, even if it is just because they got something they were hoping for.  I know they would also give up anything they get for Christmas to have their Dad and brother back. 

Because it's been a hard month without Aaron and Noah I've chosen to hide away as much as possible instead of doing our usual traditions as a family.  I wasn't keen on going to Carols By Candlelight like we do other years, so instead we decided to have a special picnic on the lounge room floor like we usually do on Christmas Eve and watched a Christmas DVD.   The boys thought it was great fun, and it was much nicer than going to Carols By Candlelight which I knew would just upset me. 

Every year we would stay up late one night and go out to look at the Christmas lights.  All month Harri kept asking when we were going to go and do it, and I had no desire at all to do it, so I was glad that we were out late enough on Aaron's birthday night to catch some lights on the way home.

Even though it's been a harder month than usual we've felt very spoilt by beautiful friends from church.  All of the families of the kids from church have been so lovely in doing a '12 Days of Christmas' for us where something was dropped at the door each day.  The boys were so excited to see what was going to be dropped off and loved running to the front door to see if they could catch who the culprit was for that day.  

We were very spoilt and had lots of lovely treats, books, and gifts dropped off.  The boys loved the 'we adore you' sign on our front door when we got home one night.  Thank you to anyone and everyone who dropped off something - it brightened up our month to know that so many people are thinking of us.

 
We are spending Christmas with my family and hope that the day will be full of fun, laughter and special memories as we spend our first Christmas without both Aaron and Noah.

Daddy's best birthday party ever!

There are so many anniversaries etc that come up between Aaron and Noah and this month is full of them.   It's probably the hardest month with it being Christmas, but today would've also have been Aaron's 40th birthday.   Aaron loved having his birthday close to Christmas because he said everyone was always in a good mood because Christmas was just a couple of days away.   I felt for him though because it was too close to Christmas, so often it was just a blur of trying to get ready for Christmas and felt like such a pain to have a birthday thrown in as well.

We always tried to do something special and fun together though so this year felt so strange to know how different things are.  Yesterday was a really hard day.  It always seems the lead up to an anniversary or birthday is worse than the actual day and that was definitely the case again. I woke up this morning and was grateful that Aaron's birthday was on Sunday as it meant I got lots of hugs at church and was around lots of people for most of the day, which always makes things easier.

A few weeks ago my friend Lisa asked if I had anything planned for his birthday.  She wanted to invite us around for tea, but I had actually thought that I would like to go to the Punchbowl for a BBQ together and wanted to invite my friend Simone and her family too, but hadn't asked them yet because I knew how close it is to Christmas and knew how busy everyone is at this time of year.

Luckily everyone was keen, so after church we went to the Punchbowl.  The kids had a great time playing cricket, footy and throwing a frisbee around (thanks Alison for the great present!).   I couldn't resist joining in on playing frisbee. There were a few fights about whose turn it was!


Aaron would've been loving Hallie in her Hawks gear.

 

 Harri being Harri :)

Gaz was the only guy with us since Simon had to work and took on BBQ duties - thanks Gaz!

Aaron's favourite drink was Pepsi and we hardly ever drink it anymore, but I went out and got some especially for the day.

Eliza and Phebe are two of the most beautiful girls you will ever meet - inside and out.  Aaron and I used to babysit Phebe when she was a baby and he always loved hanging out with them too. 

I was loving watching them take photos together on Phebe's iPod, and loved seeing the finished product later tonight on Facebook.

They weren't the only ones taking photos of themselves.  We couldn't resist a shot together too, but I'm yet to see the finished product.  I'm a bit scared too! 

It was such a beautiful warm night.  At 9 pm it was still 23 degrees (celcius).

Aaron would've loved Sarra's hat too!

Kobe is testing me big time at the moment. He settled down for a little while after feeling really sad and angry all the time.  He's definitely back in the angry stage because his emotions are out of control.  He has gone from being a beautiful placid little boy to yelling, kicking, punching, running away, and not listening to anything that I say again. It's really hard and I find myself losing my patience with him all the time, but then he can switch back to the beautiful little boy that he is deep down again.  Tonight was no exception.  I look forward to when his moods are more stable and he doesn't fly off the handle as much.  I hate that he is so angry and sad and it breaks my heart when he says 'I'm missing Daddy so much'.

At the park Kobe said that 'this is Daddy's best birthday party ever!'. 

After tea and a play at the park we went to the cemetery together.  It was late so the gates were locked so we had to walk in. 

We visited Noah's grave first.

Near Aaron's grave were some people visiting another grave so we were lucky to grab one of the guys to take a photo of us all together.

It made me smile to see a can of Pepsi at Aaron's grave when we got there. I have no doubt it was from his friend Kristy who he worked with.

Lisa brought a bottle of Pepsi and cups so we could have a toast around Aaron's grave. I bet he was smiling down as he saw what we were up to.

It was actually the first time EVER that Simone had tasted Pepsi. She had talked all week about how she was going to taste it for the first time on Aaron's birthday.   I couldn't stop laughing as she tried it as she wasn't too keen on it and said it tasted a bit like medicine.

Simone suggested that we all go around the circle and say something that we loved about Aaron.  It was nice to hear all the things every one said.

Eden said (with some encouragement from me!) that he was handsome.

Kobe said he loved it when he went in the dodgem cars with him and he got to run into him in the car. 

Lisa loved that he didn't take life seriously and was funny.

Sarra loved that he went for the hawks.

Jalen loved everything about him.

Eliza loved that he would just go and talk to anyone and was funny.
Gary loved that he would 'give the forks' to people (that made me laugh!).

Phebe said he gave good advice.

Simone said she loved how he built people up with humour.

Oliver and Hallie both loved that he went for the Hawks.

Harri loved that he watched Friday night football with him (and he started to cry after he told us that and said how much he misses watching it with him) and I said he was a good dad and could've said a lot more of course, but with Harri crying I wasn't keen on starting as well. 

What I thought would be a very hard day, was actually a lot nicer than I imagined and it was nice to have some fun together. I think Aaron would've been glad to see that we were doing things that he loved and smiling and laughing even though we miss him so much. 

It has been so lovely to read all the birthday messages on his Facebook wall today, mostly from students who loved him.  I loved Jalen's message that he wrote today and am proud of him as I know he is trying hard at the moment to deal with everything in the past year, the best that he can.   I know that Aaron is really proud of him too. 

Aaron's past birthday posts are here, here, here, here and here.  I'm so glad I started my blog all those years ago.