Widows and Friends

This afternoon I was so excited to see photos pop up on Instagram of these amazing women together, who I have 'met' and are part of the 'widow wives club'. 

Carly, Aly, Keri and Tiffany all met today in Utah.  I wish so much I had a passport and a spare couple of thousand ( or five) lying around, so I could've jumped on a plane to have met with them too.  I have been a widow the longest (by just 20 days) so it's crazy to think about what has happened to all of us in the past two years. 

I know that their hearts are broken as much as mine, but it's so lovely to see them all smiling together. 
Carly said that they had a great night eating, laughing, crying, and trying to figure out how to make it through without 'our boys'.   Tiffany has 'only' been a widow for over few months, so I'm so happy for her that she could meet them so soon.  I wish that I had that support early on.

Having a Brother with a Disability

Last week Jalen said to me that he always wondered what it would be like to have a brother who wasn't disabled, and now that Noah isn't here, he knows that it's not good at all.   Our life is so different now without Noah.  We can just jump in the car and go somewhere without thinking twice.  We don't have to worry about seizures, or sickness, or meds or feeds, or suctioning or toileting, or wheelchair access. 

But Jay agreed that he would prefer to have all of that back, if Noah could still be here with us.  I knew it wasn't always easy for Jay because Noah needed so much care, and after he said that, I joked with him that he should do a blog post for me.  He said that he would like to, and this is what he wrote:

Ever since I was younger I've always wondered what it would be like to have a brother who wasn't disabled. And now I know.  It sucks.
I feel like Noah has made me who I am today, he taught me to accept people for who they are and to be more caring. From a very early age I've always loved Noah and he was my only brother for a while. 

 

 I remember on my first day of school I came home and went up to Noah and asked "Did you miss me Noah?" All he did was smile! His smiles were the greatest things in my opinion it would lighten up my day and makes everything so much better, sadly he didn't do it as much as he was getting older.

People would find Noah so interesting or feel sorry for us but I just found him normal and just treated him like anyone else and like he could talk and walk, but at times I wished he wasn't disabled so I could have a brother closer to my age to hang out with and play with.


 
A few month before Noah died I asked Mum how much longer do you think Noah is going to be around for? She said "Maybe a little bit longer"I said to her "I think he is going to die soon" then a few months later Noah was in hospital for the final time.
The day Noah died, Mum and Dad took me and the boys and told us Noah would be passing away.  This was the biggest shock for me and I thought he was going to be fine as he has been with all his other trips to the hospital. I was so upset and cried for ages just looking at the clock all day. When the time came it was the hardest thing for me to say one last goodbye to him  When he passed away it felt peaceful in the room and I was happy for him to be out of pain.

I'm so grateful to have Noah as my brother for all the blessings, life lessons and memories he has brought me and my family, and I want to make him proud during my life time.

Widow Wives Club

Since Aaron passed away I have been blessed to have 'met' so many beautiful people who have touched my life.  Some I have been able to meet in person, and others I have only met through the internet.    These women and their husbands mean so much to me.

 Aly and Cade

Tiffany and Ryan

Carly and Michael

 Keri and CJ

We all have the same faith and I'm so grateful for that, because I know that these women get me...because they are all widows too.   I 'met' Keri first, when Stephanie Nielson's mentioned her on her blog as they are friends.   Her husband CJ was killed in an accident, as he rode his bike to work on Valentines Day.  He died just 20 days after Aaron.  Keri and CJ were only married for 18 months, but their love is so evident in the photos that she posts on Instagram and her blog.

They are the cutest couple ever and I love seeing the pics that she puts up of them together.  

 

My heart is so sad for her as they hadn't had any children yet, and I know that she just wishes so much that she was able to have kids with CJ.  Keri recently got the cutest little dog - Tiny, and I know how a dog can help, but it can never really take away the grief and loneliness that we feel without our husbands here.  Keri looks for 'love notes' from CJ every day and keeps hold of them or takes photos of them. 

I love seeing photos of Keri with Megan, whose husband Josh passed away from cancer.  I always feel like I am too young to have lost Aaron, but my heart just breaks for Megan and Keri who lost their husbands not long after they were married.

Aly's husband Cade passed away after an 18 month battle with cancer.  I'm so glad that he got to meet his son Luke before he passed away. I love that Cade loved Pepsi as much as Aaron did, and smiled when I saw this photo of Aly and Luke as his grave with a bottle of Pepsi.

Carly lost her husband Michael very suddenly just a year ago, and not long later gave birth to her twins. 

It's very hard being a single Mum, but I can't imagine having to give birth to twins just after my husband passed away.  

She is amazing and her twins are so cute. 

The most recent widow is Tiffany whose husband Ryan was killed in an accident, just five months ago.  They have two gorgeous girls. 

Whenever I think about Tiffany I remember the shock after Aaron passed away, and imagine the things she is going through right now. 

As much as I hate that we have all lost our husbands, I'm so grateful to have 'met' these amazing women.    Even though we are in different stages of our lives, and our stories are different, we are still very much the same.  We all miss our husbands incredibly and it's nice to have met people who really get what it's like. 

We started a hash tag on Instagram #widowwivesclub where we put the hash tag on any pics that we post with quotes that we think each other may like. 

It's definitely not the coolest club to be in, and it's not a club I wish anyone would have to join, but I'm grateful for these women who I one day hope to meet in person.  I am wishing so much that I could just jump on a plane and fly to Utah in the next couple of weeks, as they are all talking about meeting up very soon. 

I can't wait to see photos of them together and imagine the laughs and the tears as they talk about their men, and how much their lives have changed in the past couple of years.

Priceless Gifts

Mid December I was really regretting the idea I had for a Christmas present for the boys.  I had been thinking about making them each a photo book for a while, with photos of each of them with Aaron and Noah.

In November I thought I'd get started on sorting out photos.  Going through just over fourteen years of photos was really hard. I loved seeing all the photos that I had forgotten about, but it was emotionally draining as I felt like I was living through a lot of things again, and it just really hit me how much I miss Aaron and Noah.

I made each of the boys a separate folder on the computer and spent hours, and hours and hours (and was wondering why the heck I decided to do it!) copying every single photo that they were in with Noah and Aaron.   I hated that there were no digital photos before 2003 as it meant I had to scan four years of Jalen's photos.

I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to things like this, and then sorted all of their photos into categories - baby and toddler, birthdays, Christmas, seasons, footy, family holidays, hospital visits etc.  Then I had to do the biggest job of making the books online.  I ended up going with Snapfish as they were having good specials at the time, and I got the books at 50% off. I didn't really care how much it was going to cost, because I knew that the books would be priceless to them.

I can't even count how many hours it took to sort the photos, and then put the books together, and I was seriously regretting my decision in the middle of December when I was trying to get them done in time for Christmas, plus being really busy with everything going on at the end of the year.

Jay ended up with almost 1000 photos, Harri around 850 and Kobe about 750 (shows how many more photos I took as the boys got older), and each book ended up being 150 pages.  There was no way I could keep it a surprise from the boys as I was on the computer whenever I had time, to get them finished, and they were really looking forward to getting them.  I told them that if they didn't look at their books for three hours every day (after all the work I put into them) then there would be trouble! ;)

It's so nice to see the boys looking at their books all the time, and telling me how much they love them.  There has been lots of tears as they've look at them, but also lots of laughs as they talk about remembering certain things. 

I told the boys tonight I wanted to take a photo of them with their favourite pages, and these are the ones they chose.

Kobe came up to me a couple of days ago with this page open. He said 'this is a really cool page Mum when Dad is at Noah's grave with us, isn't it?' (it has a funny line around the page as it's a screen shot from the website).  It is really strange seeing photos of Aaron at Noah's grave now, as we have been so many times without him.

This is my favourite page in Kobe's book.

Harri loves this page in his book, and so do I.    He looks so much like Kobe, and Kobe is sure that some of the pics of Harri are actually him.

This is my favourite page out of Harri's book.  I love the photo of Aaron and Harri looking at each other.

I love the spring page in Jay's book. 

I also love this page in Jay's book, of the day that he did the head shave to raise money for the Leukemia Foundation. 
Even though it was hard physically and emotionally to get the books done, I'm so glad that I did as the boys now have their own special memories with Noah and Aaron to keep forever.