Do You Know?

Just when I feel like I'm on top of things, and that things are starting to get easier, grief hits really hard all over again.  We have been going quite well for a couple of months now and I even stopped going to the cemetery regularly.  I don't love or hate the cemetery - it's just that sometimes I feel like I want to be there and other times I don't. 

I haven't taken the boys to the cemetery for a couple of months - probably since we went for Father's Day, and I haven't felt like going until last week.  Over the last couple of weeks I've felt like being back at the cemetery, and I have gone a couple of times on my own after work.  

I don't ever go to the cemetery to 'talk' to Aaron and Noah because I think I would feel like a total nut case if I did.  I guess I just hope that Aaron can 'hear' the things going on in my head because I like to just go and think, and hope by being there they are watching and are with us more than usual. 

The thing I miss the most is just being able to talk to Aaron every day.  Some people don't know how lucky they are to be able to sit down at night and just talk their partner about their day.   People are so lucky to have their partner walk in the door at night, or to be able to text them, ring them, message them, or Skype them.   I have so much on my mind every day, and I just want to talk to Aaron about it.  I would give anything to just be able to sit down and talk to him again. 

I want to tell him about my day at work.  I want to tell him all the funny things the kids at work have said and done.  I want to talk to him about the boys and to share how proud I am of each of them.  I want to ask him how his day was, and to hear his funny stories about the grade 8 girls.  I want him to be here to talk footy and basketball with the boys.  I want to talk to him about how I'm worried if I'll have a job next year, but if he was here then I wouldn't be need to be worried about that. 

I want to talk to him about Noah and his appointments and what dose his medications would be, because I would often adjust the dose and would let Aaron know, in case he was going to make them up the next day.   

I want to look forward to Christmas and summer, instead of dreading it again.  I don't want to have to pretend that I'm excited for it, so the boys don't pick up on how hard it really is.  

The other day I noticed that an older man who was often at the cemetery at the same time as us, had passed away.  He was always tending his wife's grave and he always had beautiful artificial flowers there for her.   He passed away in August and from the headstone I noticed that were only apart for four years.  I couldn't help but think how lucky he was to be with his wife again, and how hard those four years would've been for him. 

Sometimes I just want to say to people 'do you know how lucky you are!?'.  No one's life is perfect and I know that, but so many people take for granted what they have.  I know I took for granted that Aaron and I would would be together for a long time before we would have to say goodbye to each other.  I never imagined I would be sitting at his grave, wondering if he could hear all the things going on in my head.