Today Jay came home from school very upset. I knew he was going to have a bad day right from when he woke up. When he got home from school he told me how hard his day was and said that he really wanted to ring me, so he could come home. He said that he felt today like he did 'back in grade 7' which was just after Aaron passed away.
Later tonight we all had a talk about how it's okay to have a really sad day, and that sometimes there's nothing we can do about it, but we just have to accept that it's a bad day or week. I reminded the boys that they should know that it's not going to last forever, because we also know that we have a lot more happier days now.
As I started to talk about it, both Harri and Kobe started crying. Harri told me that he actually hadn't been missing Daddy and Noah very much, but had been forgetting about them. He was really upset because he said that he couldn't remember them very much, and he asked if it was okay not to miss them. I told them that it's okay, but that upset him as well because he said 'I don't want to forget them though'.
It's so hard to see his grief change....from missing the little things like watching Friday night footy together every week, to being upset because he is forgetting those things and what it felt like to have both of them here.
When Harri started to get upset, Kobe's lip started quivering and he came to give me a cuddle. I asked him what he was thinking about and he said 'I just always miss Daddy and Noah so much'. I know he doesn't remember them very much, but he knows how different it is without them, and I know that's what he misses. We are constantly talking about Aaron and Noah, and Kobe hates that he can't remember the things we are talking about. 
I feel so sad that Kobe will grow up without Aaron here. It's not fair that the boys have have to grow up without their Dad and brother. It's not fair that they died when they're so young, and will grow up with the memories fading more and more. Hearing stories, and seeing pictures and videos just aren't the same.
I don't get angry very often about what has happened, but when I do it's because I just feel so ripped off. I always knew that Noah would pass away, and that was hard to live with every day, but we dealt with it the best way that we could. There was a lot we couldn't do when Noah was here, but we didn't mind. We talked a lot about the things that we could one day do 'when Noah isn't here'. It wasn't that we were looking forward to it, it was just that we realised how different our lives would one day be.
Yes our lives were different when Noah passed away...for three and half months! A very, very hard three and a half months. Then life changed forever, and I can't help but feel ripped off. How can it be fair that Aaron had to go so soon after Noah!? Aaron and I had talked about special things we would do together like go on a cruise during his long service leave, or go to the USA together. Now that will never happen.
I feel like I now have nothing to look forward to, until I'm with them again. We are dealing with life okay and we have a lot more joy in our life than we used to, but then I just can't see how life will ever really be as good as it was when they were here. Doing things with my boys, is not the same as doing things with my best friend.
We want a break from the grief, but then we also don't want a break from it, because we don't want to forget what life was once like, when we were a family of six on Earth.
Those pics are so hard to look at. You do so well to control your anger…. Whenever I see a picture of Aaron that you post i get a little mad that he's not here. Why did such an amazing husband and father have to go - it seems so unfair. All I can do to control my bad thoughts is to think how lucky you are to have so many beautiful people around you (an amazing extended family and so many good friends) and how lucky you are to have experienced true love from a companion that some people only dream about! Look forward to eternity!!! (easy said, I know!) xx
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy, I wish you had Aaron here to enjoy every day with, I really do.
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa - I nodded my head ALOT thru this post. I just said to someone yesterday (at my husband's family reunion) that I really hate the term "new normal". People ask me that alot - how is life now that your only child is gone? Are you adjusting to this "new normal"? I want to scream "there is nothing normal about this!!!!!". I want to find happier days ahead - and yes, some days I do find joy and find myself laughing. But when the crash comes (and it always does), it hits so hard. And I get angry all over again at why my son was taken from me, why why why?? I have NO answers for you, Lisa - none at all. It is not fair what happened to you and your boys. It is not fair what happened to my son Jonathan. But we will find our way thru this - life looks different but our boys would be happy to see us all move forward - slowly, a little tiny step at a time.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you,
Diane
Here I am - once again - wishing there was something I could say to make it "better". I cannot even imagine what you all are going through (daily) but I DO care.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if thinking ahead to the years when your boys start their own families, and there are new grandbabies to love and treat without the day-to-day care, is helpful at all. Or, is it just too far away? I am so glad you have your three boys and so sad you are missing two.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across this blog 6 months ago whilst googling for colic (my newborn had severe colic). After reading the one post on Noah's colic, I thought your blog was great so I then went back to the beginning of the blog and started reading.
ReplyDeleteI was therefore extremely upset and shocked to read of your husband's death, a few months after I started reading. I just couldn't believe it. Only 3 months after your beautiful boy.
I have since been bowled over by the strength and dignity you have displayed by dealing with not just your son's death but also your husband in addition to solo parenting 3 grieving children.
I have never lost a spouse or child but having lost a very dearly loved immediate family member 10 years ago I can say it does get easier. It is true that time is a compassionate healer. You do come out the other side, eventually. The new normal never becomes better but there comes a time when you don't feel guilty about laughing and you start to look forward to things. After a while you start to feel that there are things to anticipate. How long it takes to feel this why is completely different from person to person. For me it was nearly 8 years before my new normal became OK. 10 years later, things still aren't normal and they never will be but I can honestly say the new normal is OK and I get out of bed most days looking forward to everything it might have to offer.
As someone who has never dealt with what you have, I can't offer anything useful to say to you. All I can say is that your husband would be very very proud of you. Wherever he is, I reckon he is cheering you on, until you're back with him.
with love xxxxxxxx
Thank you so much for your kind words xxx
DeleteYou are so often in my thoughts. I wish things were so very different for you and your boys. So thankful for you that you have amazing support, even though it isn't the same. Hold on to the knowledge that you will see each other again. Xx
ReplyDeleteLots of love coming from the USA for you. We have never met but I just love you and your family. My heart aches for you and your boys and I wish so much I could take your pain away. My father lost his dad when he was a teenager and 50 years later he still gets choked up about it. Keep playing those videos and always share those pictures because even though you can't see or talk with Aaron or Noah they ARE with you and beside you. I pray for peace and love for you all, memories fade but Aaron and Noah will never be forgotten. xoxo
ReplyDeleteLots of love coming from the USA for you. We have never met but I just love you and your family. My heart aches for you and your boys and I wish so much I could take your pain away. My father lost his dad when he was a teenager and 50 years later he still gets choked up about it. Keep playing those videos and always share those pictures because even though you can't see or talk with Aaron or Noah they ARE with you and beside you. I pray for peace and love for you all, memories fade but Aaron and Noah will never be forgotten. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHello
ReplyDeleteYou are always in my thoughts and prayers. I think you are all doing very well under the circumstances. Those of us who have lost loved ones totally understand how you feel. We all have bad days where we wish we could change the past. My dad died from cancer in 1991 and I still have days I cry a lot and miss him terribly. He has missed out on so much in our family since 1991 and that makes me feel angry and frustrated. I think it is all a normal part of the grieving process.
It is wonderful you have so many photos from the past that you can cherish and look back on. It is times like this where photos are very important. Please know a lot of people care for you and your boys and understand how you feel. Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way. Please take care of yourself from Susan McGuire in Sydney xxoo
I am so sorry for your loss and send good thoughts your way from the US. You are a great mom, keep moving forward, you are doing a wonderful job. Your boys are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I just want you to know how AMAZING you are! Wow! You have become a hero in just moments of looking over your blog. I was recommended to your blog, because my husband passed away, unexpectedly, 3 months ago. He died of a Pulmonary Embolism (blood clot in the lung). I was there when he first couldn't breathe on our living room floor, and I was there when they unplugged the machines that were keeping him alive, and when he took his last 3 breaths in the hospital. He was 37 years old. I am 34 years old, with 4 children. One of which has complications with his kidney's. As I look over your blog, I find great strength from your words, your insight, and openness in talking about hard things. I am amazed by the amount of challenges that you are facing, and handling, with such grace and faith. I will be following you from now on… I hope you don't mind! I have realized more than anything, that life is so precious. I ache for my love, but I have also a renewed sense of life. This mortal life phase is so very short, and precious. And if we are granted a few more days on Earth than our departed loved ones, then we need to make the most of those days. Each day is another day closer to being with them again. That thought makes each day so very precious -- even the very hard and awful days. In the 3 months since my husband's death, I have given myself to exercising daily, blogging, family history/temple work, teaching my gospel doctrine class, and serving others… and somehow, someway -- I am happy now. I was given a blessing just a few days ago that said, "Look back on the sweet memories with fondness, but look to the future with a hope for greater happiness than you have ever experienced." I hold to that as I move forward with faith in the future. I hope you can do the same! The future is as bright as your faith -- or so they say! :-) You are AWESOME! Thanks for sharing your life. I blog at: www.vanormerview2.blogspot.com so you can know I am a real person. :-)
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