The Decision

I've had to make some hard decisions in my life, and especially in last twenty months, but no decision was as hard as the one that Aaron and I had to make two years ago on this night. As hard as it was, it was also an easy decision to make because Noah made the decision for us.

This time two years Aaron and I went to bed after leaving Noah in the ICU. During the day we were still hopeful that Noah would pick up, but that night it was clear that in the morning it was time to tell the doctors that we knew it was time to turn off the vent he had been on for the past week.   It was an easy decision because Noah had shown us that he was ready and was just waiting for us to be ready as well. 

He was showing no signs that he could breath on his own, started to have hundreds of seizures a day, was in pain, and his body was continuing to shut down. He hadn't been well for months leading up to it and in my heart I knew that the end of his life on earth was getting closer.

Our hearts were broken as we didn't know how we could sit by his bed for the last time and say goodbye. What was an easy decision to make because it was really taken out of our hands, was the hardest thing we ever had to do.   It was the shortest and saddest day of our life as we waited for my family to arrive so they could say goodbye.
The doctor and nurses who were with us were incredible and helped us so much. Aaron washed his hair for the last time and joked with him as he asked what type of hair do he wanted. He always knew how to make us laugh, even when his heart was breaking.

I clearly remember the lovely doctor coming back to the hospital about 6.30 pm. We had told him of our decision in the morning and he told us to spend the day with  Noah saying goodbye.  When he walked back into the room that night I just wanted to yell at him to go away, because I didn't know how we were going to do it. 

As hard as it was, I just knew that I had to be strong.   Strong for the boys, strong for Aaron and most importantly, strong for Noah.  He had been strong for ten years, and now it was my turn. 

 Just after 7pm on 8th October, we sat around his bedside and said our last goodbyes before the doctors and nurses turned off his machines which were keeping his body alive.

  

It was very peaceful and as strange as it sounds it was actually a privilege to be with him as we watched him leave this life. We were so proud of him and knew that we had given him the best life that we could. I was happy for him that he was no free of his sick and disabled body but my heart was broken as I didn't know how I could walk out of the hospital and go home without him. We stayed with his body and washed and dressed him again before leaving him for the last time.

Our family wasn't complete without him. 110 days later Aaron passed away from a cardiac arrhythmia, otherwise known as a broken heart.